Focusing Is A Choice I Make

As you can see from the picture above, I did something this weekend that I have been wanting to do for a few years... I had my hair colored purple and pink... I'm going to keep it up until the Fall... I am very happy with the outcome.

I feel like I am in limbo... you know that feeling where you are not sure which way to go? I know we all go through those times in our lives... some are small choices, some are life changing. I feel like I am in one of those life changing choices. After getting injured in November and then re-injured again two weeks ago ... I have allowed myself to be derailed. The first thing I had to do was accept that I had allowed it to happen... yes, I also understand that there are times in our lives that we can see our lives propelling out of control and cannot seem to find a way to get back on the path. Sometimes it is lack of commitment, desire and often times it is from disappointment... 

My derailment this time has come from disappointment, does it make it any less or more of an excuse... no.. but it is one of my more difficult feelings to overcome. I believe admitting it is something I need to do, then I have to decide what I want more... I know that I don't feel comfortable where I am right now... I don't believe weight should make or break how I feel about myself... because the weight is not who I am... but by allowing disappointment to derail me it has shown me that no matter how on track, on the path or on the right road I think I am... it is a never ending challenge to always stay focused. 

There is always going to be something, some reason, some excuse that I can use to not focus... to say what does it really matter? Is any of that a good enough reason?  I don't know that I can keep denying to myself that the excuses shouldn't matter, I have to really decide what I want. Often times it's a choice we make within ourselves and I am the first one to admit that none of those decisions are easy... we have to deal with trials and challenges to see how much we want something, how much work we are willing to put into our hopes and dreams. 

 

I have had a couple of friends ask me if I would be willing to give love a chance again? My answer to them is I don't think so, I don't know that I want to trust anyone that much again. I think once trust is destroyed and mine was, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to ever want to put my heart out there again. It has been hard getting to this place as I wanted romantic love in my life for many years... I have come to the point that I no longer believe the pain of loss outweighs the chance of love...

First I used getting injured, then winter, then the re-injury as excuses... part of me wonders if I wasn't looking for an excuse to eat whatever I liked... When I started my weight loss journey in the summer of 2013, I seriously did it for me... no one but me. As I lost the weight I stared seeing the opportunities it gave me, one of them was to date, however; I realized that losing the weight does not make it any easier to trust in a relationship. I then gave up the desire to find romantic love... that was when I started using food to fill that void. 

 

I don't want to fill that void or any other void with food... I have become uncomfortable with myself... not because of the weight, that isn't who I am ... but I'm uncomfortable with the choices of eating that I so readily fell back into...  When I think of the many addictions I have or have had... food is an acceptable one because we need to eat... other addictions can be given up a hundred percent... Food is the addiction I need to learn to come to terms with and not abuse it when my life goes out of control... Focusing is a choice I make...

 

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Excuses Are Unacceptable For Me

I wrote last night ... I was too tired to add the pictures and publish it ... when I woke up this morning, I re-read it and realized it wasn't something I should publish here. I added it to my private blog. I couldn't delete it totally because it was how I felt and I just needed to get it out. However; it made me realize a few things... it is not news to anyone I know that I have been very sad for a long time... I wear my my heart on my sleeve. I don't know how to compartmentalize that part of myself, not that I didn't try because when I was numbing myself by zoning out of my life that was my effort to hide my sadness.

That didn't work out for me so well, instead it built up more and I tried numbing it more. I ignored everything, I would come home, veg in front of the TV then go on the computer, then sleep. Anytime I thought about the sadness that was threatening to engulf me at any moment ... I dove into anything and everything that would cover the sadness. It didn't work though as it rarely does, what it does instead, it ends up destroying me. I don't know about other people, I just know about me and whenever I bury something, it comes back stronger.

Then like I wrote before, an incident at Christmas was eye opening to me... and I knew that if I was to ever overcome the sadness, I had to feel every last bit of it. Hence why I don't sleep as much as I should, my mind never turns off. What I neglected to see through the last year and a half was that I was angry too... that was not something I wanted to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. However; I had to let myself feel that too... that was what last nights post was about...

I was angry at 'him' for a number of reasons that I won't go into here... I do wish I could have said the words I had inside to him, he needs to know... but then I don't think he would own the truths, instead he'd lay more blame outside of himself, probably on me. I actually took the blame he laid on me at first but as time went on, I realized he was afraid of what I knew and what I could say. This proved he never really knew me and it took me a long time to accept that... because if he had really known me, he would have known that I would never ever do anything to hurt him... even though he had hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

I let go of the anger before the New Year... I didn't want to bring it with me, the sadness is slowly going away. It's because I am changing my life, this year is really about 'No Excuses' for me. I rarely miss a day of exercise, if I cannot walk because of nasty weather, I have danced and I am continually looking for alternatives. I want to be successful, so I am thinking outside the box daily.

I cleaned and organized my home a bit more, little by little I am going to be ready to move and really make a new start by downsizing to absolute necessities. The more things I have, the more clutter I have... the less peace I have. I am making and keeping plans with friends, there is a dance this weekend coming up and I am going, I even have a little black dress for it (my first one). I plan to just have fun and dance with my girlfriends... As well I have made commitments to have people over and just talk... I think with the internet we lost that ability for small chat... I miss that.

With everyday that goes by that I don't numb my feelings or thoughts... I see that I have two choices in front of me... one I can go back to where I was or two I can move forward, there honestly is no standing still. Since I know exactly what is back where I was, that is no longer an option for me... so moving forward is all I have, it's all we ever really have... 

I am giving up the idea that there are limitations on where I am and what I am able to achieve, if I decide to make a change and really put my mind to it, I am capable of achieving it ... it will take work but I am not afraid of putting in the hard work... I would be more afraid of not putting myself out there and conquering the trials that have been given to me... that would mean I was going backwards and not growing. That is unacceptable to me... For today and going forward it is full steam ahead and 'No More Excuses'.

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Is Silence Golden?

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I have been wanting to write all weekend but my mind wouldn't settle long enough to get the thoughts out... I would start a blog post and half way through I would be writing about a completely different thought.  So I scrapped those two and decided it would be best to just get to bed early, I ended up waking up at 3:30 am and basically I have been up ever since.  Which has left me a great deal of time to just think about things, some things are hard to let myself think about so I tend to do whatever I can not to ...

I did let myself think about it this morning and I came to a realization that I am lost right now, I don't seem to have a direction, I am going in so many ways that I now understand why I can't sleep.  I am not settled with anything right now, everything is up in the air.  I have to move by no later than June, it has not been easy to find a place where I want at the price I want.... I have to figure out something soon though, I can't and don't want to stay here after June.  My work is even chaotic right now, a lot of changes happening that means I have to make drastic changes to stay with them... more training, more knowledge.  Which I sometimes feel I am out of the loop there at times.

Since I am not sure where I will be living, I may have to think out of area which would be changing Valentina's school, I think that would be really hard on her, she will be eleven this spring. That is weighing on my mind, I want to do the best for Valentina and I think keeping her with her friends is the best option, if at all possible. Also with work, it could mean changing positions which could be different hours, like I said, lots of changes for me in the near future.

Plus I have unresolved issues that I am still trying to work out, those tend to be harder than the other issues combined.  I mean, I know I will find a place and move by June, I know I will figure things out at work and move up.  I don't know the answers to my unresolved issues, there isn't an answer that I can come up with, I have tried to work it out to no avail. I wonder if sometimes there is no answer?  That frustrates me, I am the kind of girl who wants answers, explanations, discussions, I don't do well with silence.

I am still losing weight but slower which is fine, I need to get more committed to the gym again, which means less time for writing.  It's a good healthy trade off to be able to get to my goal, I am really excited about that.  It has been a long time since I have been excited about anything, I would like to take this excitement into other parts of my life.  I went out on a date, really nice guy, friendly, respectful but there was nothing there for me.  At least I am trying, I am sure I will meet someone else soon, I am just taking my time and waiting for the right one.

Living On Purpose Is The Path To Peace

I read this chapter this morning and throughout the day as I thought about it, I wondered what I would write about it...  then I came home after my first day of work and I pulled up the audio message and after listening for maybe ten minutes I begin to understand what I was supposed to get from the message.

I want peace as we all do, peace will bring happiness even when things don't go the way we want them to go... I remember a day in my life, it was January 25, 1995... I had gone to the store to buy a chair for my nanny, I was doing many errands for her and I was grateful that I was able to do these things for her. I purchased the chair and had it set up for delivery and then I stopped to call her from a payphone (cell phones were not the norm then) to tell her I had acquired the chair, then I told her I would talk to her soon.

I got on the bus and as I was traveling home I felt as if I should stay on the bus and go visit her but I phoo phooed it as I had just been there the day before and I had plans to go down the next day.  I went home and called her before I laid down, there was no answer...  I didn't think too much of it and I laid down for a nap.  I woke up about an hour or so later and I called her again, there was still no answer... I then called her my aunt to see if she had heard from her and she had not.  I started to get panicky but I couldn't leave as I was looking after a boy who was coming to my house after school. 

I kept calling her and then I started begging God that she was okay, I cried, I was fearful.. finally I stopped and prayed that I would be able to accept and handle whatever the outcome was and I felt at peace.  A friend came by and she drove me down to my nanny's place, I had a key and when I opened the door she was on the carpet and she had passed away.  I was heartbroken because she had always been there for me all of my life when Ruth my ex step mother made life unbearable, my nanny's house was a refuge.  I went through the grieving process but I never forgot the calm peace that came to me when I prayed that I could accept the outcome. 

I am kind of going through that again with my David, he's alive but I am grieving the loss of what we had and what we could have had.  I have been in that panicky begging mode for so long because I know the huge potential he and I could have for happiness, love and joy... unfortunately he couldn't see it and when I thought about that day when I prayed for acceptance  for what I would have to deal with, I knew that I would have to pray for acceptance with David too.  Otherwise I will always be in a state of grief over him forever.

Let me tell you, that is so hard when I know that my soul mate and my best friend will only be my friend.  I have worked hard on letting go and moving on but today I realized I have not accepted it... I have been in that state of begging and bargaining with God which has left me still in grief, somehow I have to come to accept it, that is the only way I will be able to move on. I won't know the why while I am here but one day I will know, one day I will be able to understand. Part of me thinks that I need to learn my purpose in life and that if I had ended up with my David so easily that I never would have searched for it.  I would have thought I had found my purpose to love my David with all my heart and spend my life making him and me as happy as I possibly could. He's my other half that I fit together with perfectly, he makes me laugh and he understands my quirkiness....

That is not my purpose though, maybe I had to lose my David as the love of my life to realize that I have a much higher purpose, one I don't even understand yet but I will one day.... I want peace in my life and the only way is acceptance.  Another day of crying, more like sobbing but that is a part of acceptance. I will get there one day and sooner rather than later.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Don't Need A Measuring Tape Anymore

I have written about Mastin Kip from The Daily Love before and how he writes a blog that inspires me to be a better version of myself daily.  I was reading through some quotes and I came across this one by Mastin that rang very true for me.  How often have I thought I wanted to be more like this person or more like that person... when what I need to do is stop measuring myself against other people.  We all have different challenges and some of us are really good at hiding it to the world.  I don't necessarily think that hiding is a good thing, I am sure it comes out in other ways in their lives... something that doesn't show outwardly. 

I then read the above quote and I felt how if I could wake up each morning as a child does, excited to go to school or play.  Whatever the day held, I was excited for the most part... I lost a lot of that over the years.  I can get it back though, all I have to do is wake up in the right mindset and start looking for things that excite me, things that give me feelings of passion... That way I will stop measuring myself against others, than I can become the best me...

I want to forgive myself when I don't measure up to what or where I think I should be.  This doesn't mean that I'm not going to practice excellence in whatever I put my heart into... it means that I am not going to put myself down if it takes me bit longer to achieve all my goals.  It is not about how quick you attain a goal, for me it is more about showing myself that I won't give up on myself and I will be loving with myself. 

Basically I don't need a measuring tape anymore...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Kindness Begins With Me

Kindness beings with me ♥

I have been thinking about the way we treat each other... I know that I have been guilty of taking on other peoples moods, however; there have been those times that I have turned it around and by the time the encounter is over, the person has taken on my mood. I believe it all begins with kindness and it begins with me... I am going to make a concerted effort to not let other peoples moods change mine. 

My day goes better when I don't allow other peoples bad emotions to dictate mine.  I deal with clients at my job and I have found that when I show a bit of kindness for whatever issue they have, they have shown great gratitude and actually thanked me for my kind attitude.  I have to say those calls are the best, the ones where I felt I made someones day. 

I have had those people when I have had to call in for an issue... where I might not have been in the happiest mood but they show me a little kindness and by the time the call is over, I have adopted there good mood. What we really need to remember and when I say we... I really mean me, we are all dealing with a lot, if we can remember that and show a little kindness, we could actually make someones day a bit brighter.

I am going to remember this the most with my family and friends... this is where I need to start being more aware of my mood, the more kind I am with the people close to me, the more they will feel like spreading that kindness to others.  I am not a Pollyanna... I am aware there are people I will deal with that no matter how kind I am, they will not change their attitude.  That's okay, what I am saying is that I want to continue to be kind in spite of their attitude... we are all dealing with many battles.  I want kindness to begin with me.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

More Memories Of My Mom

My mother

After I wrote the post about my mother it had me thinking about childhood incidents I had with her and while I lived with her.  When we lived with her in Grimsby Ontario, she had me start out in a little school that I remember learning how to get sap from a tree and we made syrup... a nice memory.

I also remember a time where I wrote my name all over the walls and then blamed my sister Shelly, haha.  Of course my mother saw through that and I had to wash the walls.  There was no spanking, no name calling, no degradation... just punishment that fit the crime, I never wrote on the walls again, I learned my lesson.

My memories of my childhood are fleeting... especially when I lived with my mom before the age of six.  I am glad my mom shaped me to be who I am today, I had enough of a strong foundation for who I was so that no matter how difficult my ex step mother Ruth tried to make it for me, I remembered somewhere inside that I was loved and wanted at one time.

One of the most freeing times in my life came when I was 15, nearly 16 years old... it was when my father finally left Ruth and he and my mother rekindled their relationship.  I was finally able to show emotions, say how I felt without fear of being spanked or screamed at that I was basically nothing.  My mother took all my anger in stride, she never raised her voice or belittled me, she was there for me.

When we decided to move to Niagara Falls as a family so that Dad could find Ruth's ex husband Murray that she had claimed was dead.  He wasn't so my father needed to find him so he could annul the marriage to Ruth. My mother became a stay at home mom and she always made a great breakfast for us in the morning to get us off to school.  She always did my hair, in pony's, braids.... all with different variations... I loved that time with her in the morning.

Then we would come home for supper and it was always cooking on the stove.  We didn't have a TV and we didn't miss it, we always sat in the kitchen, listening to music... talking, playing scrabble.  She spent numerous hours helping me with school, I went from a student who barley passed grade ten to the honor roll.  I excelled with my mother being there for me... Unfortunately for me, my parents decided to go to Oregon for the summer I turned 17 and I didn't want to go.   I wanted to go home to Halifax, if they had not gone to Oregon, I would have had a much different life.

Something I neglected to mention was what an incredible artist my mother was, below is photo of a huge portrait that she did for my grandmother that has three stages for my dad and my sisters.  She was beyond talented and unfortunately never really did a lot with it...  Also she could sew and I mean really sew, she made tuxedos and bridal gowns.  She could take a pattern and make it her own by changing things, everything looked very professional. 

I visited my mother for a few summers over the years and one of my most treasured times with her was when my sister Darlene made it possible for me to go to Oregon for a visit in the summer of 1995.  I was able to meet all my sisters on the west coast and I was able to spend long weekends with my mother.  She treated me like a princess, cooked my favorite meals, watched movies, played scrabble and talked.

My mom and I had played endless games of Scrabble over the years and not once did I beat her but we had so much fun and we talked about everything.  I miss those times, where I used to listen to all her stories of how she grew up and what she had been doing while we were separated.  Keeping in touch was so hard back then, it is not like it is today... When I think about my mom ... I still have questions that were never answered but I have some really treasured times with her, I felt loved, I felt safe.

 My mother more as I remember her, she did grow her hair out long again after this picture.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

For A Dream To Be Realized

I wasn't sure if I would write tonight, I became quite exhausted at 7:00 pm that I fell asleep... I did wake up two and a half hours later... feeling a bit more refreshed.  I am trying to get in a comfortable position on my bed so that I can write with ease... I think I have found the solution.

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."

- Paulo Coelho
I read this quote above from the blog 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp... I feel like it is a metaphor for everything I have gone through and how I want to realize my dream and I want to appreciate the path I took to get there.  If I want to be victorious and I do... I need to expect that I will be severely tested and I think I should be more thankful for that... for with each trial, it gets me closer to having my dream being realized.

It's like the quote about 'Happiness is not the destination, happiness is the journey'.  So many times we say... I will be happy when... I need to be happy now even if I have some trials that seem difficult and overwhelming, I do know in my heart that things will turn out the way they are meant to be.  This knowledge doesn't always make me see my trials in this light as we all have down periods.... until we are able to see again.

This leg of my journey seems like one of hardest roads I have ever followed... and I have survived some REALLY difficult trials and became stronger for them... but for some reason, this one seems like one of my biggest challenges.  But then I think... hmm... one of my biggest challenges will bring me to one of my biggest dreams.  Time to go head on... if I want that dream realized... and I do.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Always Becoming Love

I was looking over my Pinterest board of quotes and I read the one above and it made me think how what we really all want is love... how do we get this love? we have to become love by giving love.  There is no other way to have love and the wonderful thing about giving love is that you really do get way more in return.  Soon you are so filled with love that instead of looking for ways to give love, you will just be opened to each new experience.

I see that a lot of people have settled for less than love... less than butterflies.  I have done this in the past myself, thinking I didn't deserve the butterflies... but I deserve the love with butterflies, I deserve the whole thing.  I deserve nothing less.

I am here to be an example of Love!

I was reading The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp today and he always writes three positive affirmations after he writes... this one above resonated with me... I want to be an example of love.  This means becoming who I am meant to be, not living small... it means believing in myself.

Truthfully it means not settling for less than butterflies... we all deserve the best, we all have that ability, we just have to decide we are worth it... I have decided I am worth it... Will you make the same decision?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Your Own Self Rejection Is Turning People Away

I heard this phrase the other day 'Your own self rejection is turning people away'.... I was incredibly  struck by it, every time I think the least bit negative of some body part or quirky quality I have, I am turning people away.  WOW, I have seriously done this all my life.  I know that I have become more positive about what I deserve but I constantly have self doubt about my looks, not that I think I am ugly... I'm not... I am just a heavy girl.  This phrase made me realize that since I was rejecting my own body daily that I was turning people away from loving me.

So I have been thinking that I really need to do is love those things I have disliked about myself. I know when I focus on the great things about myself, they seem to stand out.  I have fabulous hair, really amazing... I have been very blessed, my hair is long, thick and soft... it only becomes more beautiful since I like it so much.

 

This reminded me that I have changed things about myself that I didn't like before such as I was SO shy.  I could barely talk to anyone unless you were family or a good friend.  When I was 25 years old, I decided enough was enough... I just started conversations with anyone.... it was hard and scary but I started telling myself that I was good at this, I was comfortable with this and one day I realized I was good at it.

I stopped disliking that shy quality I had, it had held me back for many years.  Job hunting was difficult when I had very little self confidence that I could handle speaking in the interview.  Now I ace interviews, love interviews.... I am really comfortable in them.  If I have a strong desire to get a certain job, all I need is the chance to have an interview and then the job is mine.

I never would have gained that great quality if I hadn't decided to love myself and open myself up for new experiences. I'm doing that again now... I have a date set for my operation, it is going to be January 31st, I'm finally getting the opportunity to have my leg healed after 11 years.  I am going to take the time to heal and relax.

I am grateful that I am having this chance, I am lucky that I am where I am at this moment because I have people that are going to be there for me, dropping by, checking in on me.  I am sure I won't be lonely for company.  I will get to read and catch up on my writing.

That little phrase 'Your own self rejection is turning people away' has really made me think about how I am projecting myself out in the world.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Cherish My Past, I Accept My Present, I Dream For My Future

I have been going through a change lately, I think a lot of it is due to not being healthy because of my leg... I have been limited in what I can do and for how long.   Grocery shopping exhausts me, the smallest tasks overwhelm me... but I am lucky, I have some very good friends who help me and keep me level. 

Plus all this pain has made me grateful that I have been so healthy and I will heal from this too.  I am on an upswing, I am healing slowly... I am getting through year end without a huge meltdown.  I have a great team leader who knows what I can handle and helps me to deal with what might become overwhelming.

I have been spending a lot of time with myself, just thinking, writing and reading.  Which had led me to a lot of self examination of my life... not so much about my past but more about my present.  I have been selling myself short, unbelievably short.... I can tell you that with that eye opening thought I will never do it again.

I will not except less than everything I deserve, I happen to believe that I deserve it no matter my past.  On the other hand, people in my life are still living in the past... the way to deal with the past is to let it go.  Especially if it is a bad past.  Who cares about what happened in the past, you are not there anymore, you are here... you are better off in the present.  That was a hard lesson for me to learn but I have that now.

This just made me think about how I cherish my past, even if there were some really bad experiences... I think it made me more compassionate to other people and I don't believe in judging other people.  After writing yesterdays blog about accepting what I cannot change and moving on... my new motto for my present is that I accept it.  I dream for my future, I dream big...  I am going to attain everything I want... I am very focused.

I cherish my past, I accept my present, I dream for my future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield