Finding The Beauty Of The Butterfly Within Me

I just wanted to share a quick update, I am still walking a lot... over 39 miles last week, I have to say I really enjoy it. I love knowing I can do this even when I thought it wasn't possible at one time... I love proving myself wrong, it makes me know I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was.

 

I've been thinking about some rather deep thoughts lately, I came across the quote above and realized how true it was... I know many people who are amazing and are unable to see this in themselves, I have often been unable to see this in myself too... When I think about what the butterfly goes through to become the beautiful thing that they are born to be, I am in awe... It is much like all the trials and tribulations that we deal with that help us to become the butterflies we were truly meant to be... and yet we sometimes fail to see our beauty.

 

This past couple of weeks has had me questioning how unfair life seems, I cannot fathom why some people seem to lie and hurt others but then have what they want and others who are honest and could never hurt another, doesn't have the things they desire... Although it is highly unfair, I came to the conclusion that the people that lie and hurt others are weak and the people that are honest grow stronger through each trial. 

Who would I rather be? Even if it is more difficult I want to be the girl that goes through each trial and comes out stronger for them... When I am going through them, it is hard to see the good that can come from them... One in particular nearly destroyed me and I was so positive that I could never get passed it... Some days are still harder than others, some days I see the good and I know one day I will have the answers to why I had to deal with something so devastating that a part of me wondered if I could stop feeling broken... 

I know what broken feels like inside, I can never explain it to someone who hasn't felt it... but I do know others who have felt this way too... When someone has told me in the past that all I need to do is see the good and have gratitude, I have honestly wanted to scream at them... I do know that staying there won't help me grow but going through it is what will ultimately strengthen me... I read a quote one time about damaged people being dangerous because they know they can survive... I'm a survivor... if I can climb out of a sadness that threatened to engulf me completely, I can pretty well get through anything thrown at me. 

I hope that I will be able to help others get through the trials they are going through because of what I have had to deal with, something good has to come from it... I know for sure I won't just tell someone to see the good and show gratitude... I will tell them to feel the pain, no matter how difficult it is... because one day they will emerge from the cocoon and become the butterfly I know they can be... Eventually they will see the good and show gratitude.

I love that last quote... I am looking for the magic for I want my soul to soar... that would be true freedom and happiness for me. I have found it in the past and I will again in the future. Today I plan to look for the beauty inside me... and remember it was always there.

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I Want The Magic

I've been trying to write for awhile, my internet keeps going off... apparently it will now be out until 8... a couple of hours.  Valentina and I took the opportunity to make smoothies and play a board game. It was fun going back to basics, I even ignored the phone as it had to be recharged in my room.  Valya decided to take a bath, so I took the opportunity to write my post in an email.  Then I can take an hour and catch up on all your blogs .

I was finally able to find a couple of stores that sold some cute and unique shirts.  I even found two dresses and two skirts.  I had a little fun going out and trying things on until I got over heated.  The good thing about getting new clothes was one I have clothes that fit me and two it gave me a reason to clean out my closet... Then we cleaned out Valentina's too... both of them look so good, we now see what we have.

I still haven't sleep, I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever sleep a full night again?  I want to believe that somehow it will resolve itself... I know of only one way that I can see and unfortunately it's not an option. Instead I just keep getting by with broken sleep, how long can I function like that? I never thought I could could last six months but I'm here passing the six month mark.

Why do some trials we have to deal with seem so unfair...?  I have friends I know dealing with challenges that make me wonder how they get up each day.  Then I realized that I too could curl up and stay in bed day after day but I don't allow myself to wallow there... Some days are tougher than others, a good day is when I don't cry on the way to work.. or when someone makes me laugh... or when I feel that one day all of this will make sense.

I want to rise above this latest challenge... not just survive it but really grow from it.  Otherwise I will continually play this scenario out, over and over.  Truthfully I'm tired of the same results... I deserve better and I know I expect better.  It is scary to trust again, especially when the person I trusted more than anyone changed in ways I didn't think was possible.  I have asked myself why I would want to ever take that chance again?  Then I heard this somewhere, we continue to want to fall in love, because it is the closest thing to magic... I want the magic. . .

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