Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

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I Need To Stop Fearing The Answer

I've been in an off mood this past week, I wasn't even sure why... tonight it came to me, although I love the Fall season, I am literally unhappy that Winter will be following. I cannot think of any real redeeming qualities of that season. The only one that even remotely comes to mind is that it makes me appreciate every other season that follows it much more... I don't like being house bound, nor wearing so many clothes I feel like a snowman, or fearing the ice that could have me fall and hurt myself.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't even allowing myself to think about it but with the cool air reminding me that it's not too far off and seeing the year flying by at the speed of light has brought last years memories back. I honestly thought of moving somewhere, anywhere, as long as there was not massive ice there. I know that all places have their downfalls, nowhere is perfect and for the most part I do enjoy living where there are four seasons... just not where one of the seasons drags on for more months than I care to think about. 

When this time of the year comes, with the time change, less daylight... less chance to enjoy the outdoors, it leaves me edgy. I already miss that I could take off at 9:00 at night and walk for an hour... I especially miss that I didn't need any sort of jacket. I need to be able to just get up and go, it always clears my mind and when I can't I feel muddled... which leaves me off balance, if that makes any sense. This week I was eating food that I normally wouldn't eat, I realized it was my way of not dealing with a question I have, one I don't want to hear the answer to... Last night I reminded myself that not dealing with it would only cause other issues, eating poorly isn't the answer.

Finding out the answer whether I want to hear it or not is the only way to deal with it... because although I am still exercising a lot, I know that I cannot exercise my way out of a bad diet. Thankfully, I don't allow myself to stay in that place of denial like I used to, although I fear the answer I don't want to fear it enough to give up what I have worked so hard to attain. Besides, although I don't want to hear the answer, it probably isn't as awful as I think, it rarely is, right...?

I'm struggling right now, most people don't want to hear that and I understand, I think it's because most of us are struggling and we want to hear good and uplifting things so that we can believe that there is a way through. Well, even though I am struggling I do believe that it will get better because it always has... however; I still have to go through low, challenging trials where I have to put in the work to get to where I want to be...

Though I know change is inevitable and ultimately good for me, it still isn't easy to see the good that will eventually come from it... Today as I spoke with some friends, I was reminded that all those difficulties and challenges that I dealt with in the past taught me strength and empathy... maybe the question I have been afraid to ask is the very thing that will make me stronger when I am finally willing to accept the answer I fear...

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Believing In The Light I Couldn't See

I have been really busy for the past couple of weeks, I realized I had the opportunity to get to a milestone that I never thought was possible when I was looking over my stats on Fitbit and noticed that if I was willing to go all out and walk as often as possible that I might be able to reach 600 miles in three months... and I did it with a day to spare. From July 1st until September 30th I walked over 607 miles, 126 hours of that time was active exercise and I ended up with more than 1,200,000 steps.

I was thrilled when I reached the milestone for many reasons, one because I proved to myself that I could do it, two I proved that age is not a factor if you put all your effort into it and three I removed many excuses out of my life to achieve the goal. There were mornings I thought about just hopping on a bus, misty days I thought about staying home and days where I thought what's a couple of days off going to hurt?... Each time an excuse came up I brushed them off and just walked... do you know what? I don't regret one moment of the steps I took, not one... each one made me feel healthier and stronger. 

What is my next goal? With the cooler months approaching I am going to have to use every available good weather moment to exercise and I have started strength training... I am new to it, so it will take a little time to get comfortable, nothing new feels easy right away, eventually I will be a pro at that too... I have stopped looking for excuses to give up and I just started doing. I think one of the best slogans is the Nike one that said 'Just Do It'... there is nothing more simple and more true.

Am I trying to say it is easy? Not at all... I think we have to work hard to keep getting better, at least for me there is one excuse after another that I could come up with to validate why I can't stay on this path but none of them are true or good excuses. It is funny how I spent so much time talking myself out of doing when it was far less effort to just do it... What I gained more than anything from this was finding out how cathartic exercise really is, whenever something tough or emotional would come up, I would walk and it gave me time to think things through and clear my head. 

 

This was especially true with the last part of September being an anniversary that could have pulled me down if I let it, instead I walked the pain of that anniversary away... I was a little melancholy but I dealt with it in a really good way... I did not give into the sadness. There are more of these days on the way but that was one of the worst ones and if can get through that one, I can get through the other ones... at least the other ones are not nasty painful ones, just good memories that became sad... We all have those, finding out that life doesn't always turn out the way it should or the way we expected....

You know what I learned from the horrible challenge I had to deal with the last two years? I became incredibly grateful for all the trials that I made it through before that one... because each one of those trials was building me stronger to make it through the most difficult one. I knew there was a light even though I couldn't see it, I held onto that... that little bit of Faith and Hope... Trials are a little like exercise, it doesn't necessarily feel good while you are going through it but ultimately it makes you stronger...

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Life Is About Doing And Not Portraying

I know it's been awhile since I have written, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, it has been a time issue. I have stepped up my exercise, this month I have over 133 miles logged so far... also, I spoke of strength training the last time I wrote, hopefully I will be starting that this week... I am working on getting together with the lady who will be giving me some pointers. The last thing I want to do is injure myself by doing it incorrectly, so I will be waiting before I start.

Also, my mood has changed a great deal in the past two weeks... it happened almost overnight... I'm not as melancholy as I have been, which isn't to say that I am overly joyous by any means either... I don't know how to even explain my mood... maybe it's come with all the exercising and focus I have put there, maybe I've come to a point of change finally... All I know is that I have not had any major lows but neither have I had any major highs... At the moment, this is what I need ... I have a lot of anniversary dates coming up that I was not sure how I was going to cope with... Today I feel like I will be able to deal with them... 

Since I last wrote, I was able to lose a little over 4 pounds which was great from all the hard work I have put in... I never want the numbers on the scale to rule me, as that is not what my journey is about... it is about becoming healthier and stronger. As I have stated before I will never be really tiny as I don't want to be, I want to be able to be the best me with exercising and eating nutritious food. I want to do what I say ... instead of saying things I wish and then not doing them. Too many people I know say they want to make changes and then never do anything about it, that was me in the past but I no longer want to be like this.

That is when real change happens, when we really decide that we are important enough to put in the effort and time. When I changed my mindset in June 2013, I didn't do it for a week, a month or a year... I changed if for a lifetime. I fail from time to time as I am human but there is a part of me that will and can never go back to the girl I was before I made it important to look after myself physically ... I am grateful that switch was turned on then because I think that if I had not made those changes then, that all the challenges that came not long after would have buried me. 

I have often wondered why I had to deal with all the loss I did... lately I have come to see that it ultimately made me stronger by not relying on others to show me my worth. It has been one of the most difficult lessons I have ever learned in my life but one that I needed to go through. There were so many times that I thought I was not going to make it, that the pain and grief would be too much to take. However; I am getting through each day and I see my own worth which no one can take from me.

I think the biggest lesson I learned these past two years was that no matter how hard someone tried to take me down, they didn't succeed... I was and am stronger than they or I ever thought I was... Although I wondered for a very long time how someone could be so hurtful and still seem to have all that they desired, I came to learn that it just looked like it... I want to live an authentic life, that means I don't want to pretend everything is perfect when it's not... we all have ups and downs and trying to portray anything different ultimately only hurts ourselves...Life is about doing and not portraying....

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Finding The Beauty Of The Butterfly Within Me

I just wanted to share a quick update, I am still walking a lot... over 39 miles last week, I have to say I really enjoy it. I love knowing I can do this even when I thought it wasn't possible at one time... I love proving myself wrong, it makes me know I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was.

 

I've been thinking about some rather deep thoughts lately, I came across the quote above and realized how true it was... I know many people who are amazing and are unable to see this in themselves, I have often been unable to see this in myself too... When I think about what the butterfly goes through to become the beautiful thing that they are born to be, I am in awe... It is much like all the trials and tribulations that we deal with that help us to become the butterflies we were truly meant to be... and yet we sometimes fail to see our beauty.

 

This past couple of weeks has had me questioning how unfair life seems, I cannot fathom why some people seem to lie and hurt others but then have what they want and others who are honest and could never hurt another, doesn't have the things they desire... Although it is highly unfair, I came to the conclusion that the people that lie and hurt others are weak and the people that are honest grow stronger through each trial. 

Who would I rather be? Even if it is more difficult I want to be the girl that goes through each trial and comes out stronger for them... When I am going through them, it is hard to see the good that can come from them... One in particular nearly destroyed me and I was so positive that I could never get passed it... Some days are still harder than others, some days I see the good and I know one day I will have the answers to why I had to deal with something so devastating that a part of me wondered if I could stop feeling broken... 

I know what broken feels like inside, I can never explain it to someone who hasn't felt it... but I do know others who have felt this way too... When someone has told me in the past that all I need to do is see the good and have gratitude, I have honestly wanted to scream at them... I do know that staying there won't help me grow but going through it is what will ultimately strengthen me... I read a quote one time about damaged people being dangerous because they know they can survive... I'm a survivor... if I can climb out of a sadness that threatened to engulf me completely, I can pretty well get through anything thrown at me. 

I hope that I will be able to help others get through the trials they are going through because of what I have had to deal with, something good has to come from it... I know for sure I won't just tell someone to see the good and show gratitude... I will tell them to feel the pain, no matter how difficult it is... because one day they will emerge from the cocoon and become the butterfly I know they can be... Eventually they will see the good and show gratitude.

I love that last quote... I am looking for the magic for I want my soul to soar... that would be true freedom and happiness for me. I have found it in the past and I will again in the future. Today I plan to look for the beauty inside me... and remember it was always there.

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Life Doesn't Get Easier, You Just Get Stronger

I lost focus this week because of disappointments, you would think I would know better by now but I am human, no matter how much I want to always rise above my challenges and disappointments just like that, it isn't that easy... some days I need to take the time and deal with the feelings and emotions of having life not work out the way I had hoped. What did I learn from it? I learned life doesn't get easier, I just get stronger.

 

It's okay that I take a step back but I have to decide if I am going to be stronger than the lesson or if I am going to give into it... I don't want to give into it, I have done that in the past. It didn't bring me happiness, I only thought it did at the time... This whole week I thought, life isn't fair... other people attain their dreams why not me? I know that sounds selfish and I don't like to sound that way, nor do I want to feel that way... Disappointment has a way of allowing me to feel that way, even though I know that absolutely no one has it easy. 

Just because I look at someones life and I think they have it all together, past experience has taught me that is crap, that's a lie... no one has it easy, no one has all that they desire or wish for... if they did, they would have nothing left to work towards. How boring would that be? The truth is that even though disappoints hurt more than I can ever convey, they also teach us something about ourselves. 

The real question is if I want to learn from it?... it means really looking deep inside myself and changing a part of myself bit by bit... It cannot all be changed overnight, that would be too much to deal with all at once. I have the choice of walking away and giving up but frankly that has never helped me grow, giving up always made things worse because the lesson comes back, bigger and stronger... I either take the time to learn from it now... or I learn from it the harder way later on.

This week taught me that I can either have excuses or I can make changes, I cannot have both, that is sitting on the fence and that isn't possible. There is no standing still, we are either moving forward or we are going backwards... and I don't want to go backwards anymore... I have learned the trip back is only more difficult than if I kept going forward to begin with.

Yes I have had huge disappointments and challenges many people would never want... but so has everyone else... and when I think about some of the other challenges other people have to deal with, I am grateful that I don't have them... Regardless of how many disappointments I have to deal with in the future, at least I know my worth and not everyone can say that... So, even though life doesn't get easier, I am thankful I am getting stronger.

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My Amazing Bumpy Journey

This week has been both busy and inspirational... I felt lost and focused at the same time... one of those oxymoron's in life. While I was working on my exercise, I had let other things slide. Part of me kept thinking I should and could keep up with everything I need to do... don't other people do this? I must be prioritizing wrong, maybe if I just sat down and made a plan? Each time I would try to do this, something else would pop up. What I ended up figuring out... which I have always known, was that I have no need to keep up with others, just because I think I should.

When I try to keep up, being the best housekeeper, being the best blogger, doing the most exercise... on and on... I end up not being good at anything. I end up zoning out and throwing the towel in and figuring I will do it all tomorrow. I am not everyone else, I am not here to show that everything is perfect, nothing is perfect... everything is work which is fine. I am not trying to show anyone that you can have it all, I think we all have to make choices, ones that are good for us.

For me at the moment, exercising, getting healthy and becoming strong are at the top of my list... I don't want to look back in a year and say, darn, I wish I had started then... do you see that I didn't write about how I wanted to lose weight? I have weight I want to lose but that is not top priority, I believe if I get healthy, become strong and exercise, the weight will work itself out.

Another thing that is important to me of course is being a good mother, I haven't always been one, due to depression in my life... I can tell you that when depression happens to you, you can never understand how difficult it is to function, let alone be a good mother. I have been at the point that I have done the bare necessities... luckily for me I have had very good people in my life that have stepped up and helped me, instead of judging me. I think we all need to remember this as many of us are dealing with much more than any of us are aware of.

The third most important thing to me is getting myself right spiritually... this is not for everyone but it is for me, it helps me to balance my life out... when I am not working on my spiritual side, I am floundering constantly... I am doing things that ultimately make me unhappy which then lead me into a more difficult cycle... it is like I have no purpose. It isn't that life becomes simple as that would be a joke because when I decided to work on that part of my life, everything and I mean everything came crashing in around me... but I knew that was a part of my journey.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and I had written how I may not find the love of my life and get married and how it was all that I had ever really wanted. Someone questioned me and made me think about that... why was that all I had ever wanted? Many people have questioned me over the years about that and I never had a good answer, other than I wanted it... I still don't have the answer... but for once in my life I am starting to question it...

I think each of us has to decide what is important to them and not worry about what is important to others... our journey is going to be different than other people and there is nothing wrong with that. What is important is our journey and what we learn along the way... Mine is and has been bumpy and I may not have always enjoyed every second of it but I can say I am happy to be on that journey. All the twists and turns I have made, have brought me to where I am today and made me a kinder and more compassionate person.

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I Made The Choice To Change

This week found me taking some much needed time for myself, I had been letting myself do what I wanted when it came to eating and lack of exercise... I had a 'good' excuse with the weather being so nasty that I had given up on myself in the past six weeks. Finally I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel of this Winter... before I saw it though, I had made a decision to change my mindset. I kept saying there was no where to walk for me but I live close to a grocery store and across the street from a mall that keeps their areas very well cleaned.

Four days ago, I decided that although it was not my optimum walk that I wanted to do, I mapped out a path of a mile in a figure eight around both areas. I cannot begin to tell you how much better I have felt physically and emotionally with the exercising back in my life. I also know there will be days where other weather conditions will take over and attempt to give me excuses not to exercise. For the rain, I have a great pair of rain boots and a raincoat.... so what if I get wet, this is my health and that is important to me to look after myself.

As well, I will have down times from cardio, it's not good to do it every single day, even if I enjoy it... yes, you are reading this correctly, I enjoy cardio. It feels good to push myself beyond what I think I am capable of, I am slowly building up as I am going to be completing a 10K this Fall. The sign up for it is in May, once I pay for it then, I will have no more excuses not to do it... I don't care that it will cost me money to join up, I am worth the money. Although I do plan to run some of this 10K, I will most likely walk/jog most of it and that is okay with me... completing it is my goal.

I will be keeping you up to date with my progress as I go along... I am excited that I have finally decided to get back on track. I had allowed the Winter to get in my way, I know that before the next Winter gets here, I will have to have a plan in place so that I don't let it give me excuses not to succeed... Nobody can make me want this for myself, I am the only one... and although I am highly competitive... I am more so that way with myself. Each time I go out, I try to be better than I was the last time...

I am aware that life will get in the way and that I will not be on all the time, I love to think that I will but that is not realistic... however; I am not giving myself permission to go off the rails for any length of time... I am accountable to myself. Ways that I am going to be accountable is with using My Fitness Pal and tracking my food everyday... using Map My Walk and turning it on whenever I am walking... as well using my Fitbit to keep track of steps.

Today was one of my first tests, when I went to bed last night, I saw on the Weather Network that it was going to snow today (UGH)... I made a decision right away that when I got up, I was going to go for my walk first thing... It was cold as I only had a tee and a hoodie on... but I know myself in that I become extremely hot the further I walk... I sucked it up, did a four mile walk/jog and had a small rest and then went out and did another mile... I just looked outside and it is snowing... exercising is going to be about being prepared and doing the hard work.

I had allowed circumstances and people to get in the way of my desire to be healthy and strong... No one can make me do the hard work that is needed, I had to decide I was important enough, I had to make the choice to change...

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The Answer To My Trials Is 'Try Me'

I was waiting to write a post after my blog makeover was complete, I am just waiting for the new header, I won a make over from Kristina of Kaye Luxe Design by entering a contest through Anett from Bella Pummarola ... to say I was excited to win would not be a good enough word to convey how happy I was about it... I had been thinking how I needed to have an overhaul of my blog, as change can be really good. However; I did not have the money I needed to do this, nor the technical ability... so winning this made me see how blessed I was that the opportunity came about after I had been thinking about how I could make the changes. 

This week was also a difficult one for me, it found me using excuses... so much so that I couldn't even write, each time I sat down to write, I would find something else to do... Writing meant that I would have to admit that I was using excuses and I am not one that likes to admit that I have allowed a trial to win or control me. Some challenges are more difficult to deal with, especially the kind where I can't stand up and defend myself.

I am one of those people who wants to defend myself when I feel attacked, this trial had me frozen though, I kept thinking how unfair it was that I was not able to defend myself but as the week moved on, I knew that no amount of defending myself would change what was said or done to me... Sometimes it is true and that I have to let go, walk away and not look back because defending myself would just be giving it more power. 

Then I remembered the quote above and realized my best answer to this trial was not to say Why me?... it was to say Try me... I am not giving up on myself because of one petty trial or challenge... I am much stronger than that. We are starting another challenge at work to lose weight but really more to get healthy... I am using that to kick start this Spring into the Summer to become the best me. I have my Fit Bit that I am going to be using to keep track of my steps and keep my goals in line. 

Mostly, I am going to find solutions to each excuse that I have used this week and find a good way to deal with the next challenge that will come along... unfortunately that will happen, knowing it and being prepared is half the battle. Pretending it won't come along is burying my head in the sand and setting myself up for failure. I won't be failing, I will be succeeding...

From now on my answer to needing to defend myself against a trial is not going to be Why me?... it is always going to be Try me... 

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Forgiveness Is A Choice

 

I have been thinking about a question I was posed last week.  The person wanted to know if I could articulate why I have been feeling the way I have?  I sat there for a moment before I answered and then I said... I guess I thought my life would be different.  I get up, go to work, come home, be a mom, try to sleep and then repeat over and over. That isn't living, that is surviving; there really has to be more to life than this, right?

Please don't tell me that happiness is a choice, that's a lovely thought but sometimes there are circumstances out of our control.  I am going to be honest here, when I hear things like that or others like I need to accept the way my life is or that I am the one standing in the way of my own progression.... It makes me feel like I am not worthy of love or happiness, like it's my fault. If I just changed the way I thought, I would have peace and happiness.  Sometimes it is not that easy.

I do know one thing, I am not a person who can live with holding a grudge or really disliking someone as it eats at me.  Yes there are plenty of people that we meet that we don't connect with or don't like ... when I say I don't hold a grudge or dislike someone, I mean I don't let them have space in my head. I just move on, I don't think of them.

It can be really difficult when a person continues to do everything that they can to tear me down, I want to be the stronger woman and just prove to them and everyone that no matter how many times you try to hurt me, I only come back stronger.  Truthfully if everything is rosy and perfect in your life, you wouldn't have time to waste looking for ways to bring me down, especially since you don't even know me.

For me to move forward, I have to forgive you for hurting me, otherwise you will always be in my life where you can pull me down to your level.  I don't want you as a part of my life in any way, I don't want to dislike you as I have and I don't want to waste my time even thinking about you.  I suggest you do the same... you have what you want, isn't that enough?  I guess not, if it was... I wouldn't be front and center in your life.

I am an open book, I am the same here that I am in real life.  I don't hide behind my words, I don't pretend to think or act like I have it all together.  Quite the opposite, I say it like it is, I tell the truth... even if it's not what people want to hear. I know it makes people feel uncomfortable but I don't know how to be any other way. I am not what you want to think or say I am, I am so much better than that... Hopefully you will feel that way about yourself one day and realize the only real damage you are causing is to yourself...

This thought and post came about because it is Easter, a time to reflect on gratitude and forgiveness.  I realized I was angry at this person for continually trying to hurt me, I want to forgive them and move on, even if they keep trying to hurt me, I am going to ignore them.  Frankly they are not worth my time, they are not as important as they think they are... Is there someone in your life that is taking up space in your head and not in a good way?  Forgiveness is a choice. . .

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I Can Weather Any Storm

I have been wanting to write for days, I have started the first line many times...  I know what I want to say, I just didn't feel like I could say it.  My words have been used against me, twisted in ways I don't even recognize them.   That is why I wrote my last post ... to make myself perfectly clear.  The thought that someone would do everything they could to hurt me is beyond me, I have no desire to hurt anyone like that.

I realized that anyone who took the time to search all of my writings to twist my words to paint me one way, doesn't make them right.  I am not what they want to portray me as, I am tenacious and I never give up... this is the way I have always been... I have had to come through a lot more than this last challenge and I have always come out on top.  I survived ten years of child abuse, being a single mom at the age of eighteen, the emotional abuse in my marriage, the rape... losing him... I can survive whatever is dished out to me.

Believe me when this last challenge came along, I wanted to lay all the words out to prove that they had twisted everything out of proportion but I knew that this is what they wanted from me, I will never break my promise ... some things will stay where they belong and that will leave them to wonder...  Besides, even when it is in plain English, these types of people will find a way to twist them for their own benefit.

It's because they are insecure and they don't believe in themselves... otherwise they wouldn't take hours out of their day trying to pull another person down.  I personally don't have hours in my day to waste hurting anyone... I believe in karma.  I know you cannot keep hurting people and it not come back to you, it is a fact of life, I almost feel sorry for them, because I know that what karma gives back is worse than what is given out. 

So, think about how many hours of your life that were wasted searching for ways to pull me down... since nothing could really be found, my words were twisted so that you could feel better... I am never going to stop writing and I will say what I feel even if my words are taken out of context to appease someone else.  It's better that this person wastes time pulling me down, instead of hurting someone else who might not be able to deal with it... I am strong and tenacious, I can weather any storm.

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I Am Worth An Hour And A Half Per Day, So Are You

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

All day yesterday I felt the need to get out and exercise... it seemed there was one thing after the other that came up to prevent me from actually getting out there... Finally just before nine pm, I pulled on my yoga pants, tank and sneakers, I set out to walk/jog a 5K...  The little app Map My Walk that I use tells me when I have walked a mile and how long it took, well last night it said in the low 16's which is really good for me, so it pushed me to walk faster and by the second mile I was still on track with being the low 16's... then I really picked up speed and sprinted off and on the rest of the way home.  I was so thrilled to make it home and see that I had beat my old time by four minutes, that is big for me.

I was really grateful that I didn't give up and say it was too hard to get out and take my walk last night, I really enjoyed it, it was cooler out and there were very few people out so I could just be free and sprint when I felt like it... Tonight when I went out, it was a little earlier but I wanted to be in bed at a much earlier time, anyhow... it was still sunny and warm... which made for a slower walk for me but I was grateful that I got out for this walk too... each one of these walks are just building blocks to make me stronger so that I will be ready when my 5K happens in October. 

I remember thinking, how am I ever going to run a 5K, I can barely walk a mile without wanting to stop and catch my breath???... Eight weeks ago I was so out of shape and I wondered what I had got myself into with joining the contest at work and now here I am, still a big girl but I am feeling amazing... I cannot believe how easy it was to change my life around in such a very short time.  I am loving the changes so much that I am really hoping we don't have a rough winter here this year, I want to continue to walk outside as much as I can... Even if we do have a lot of snow, I am going to find a way to incorporate exercise into my daily life...  I see how I miss it if I don't do a lot one day... I want to keep up with all the health benefits.

Also, I have been hearing some people say, that is great for you but I couldn't do that... they are right, they can't do it because they say they can't....  one of my favorite quotes of all times is 'Whether You Think You Can, Or Think You Can't, You're Right'...  I used to be one of those people, reading blogs of people that made time for fitness and thought, great for them, I couldn't do it.. Then I changed my mind and just got out there one day and started walking and never stopped... I am here to tell you that it is possible but YOU have to believe it, there is nothing I can say or anyone else for that matter... YOU have to believe it and just get out there, take the first step... will it be hard?  You bet it will be!!!  Does it get easier, a little but then I am continually pushing myself to be faster, go further so frankly it isn't easier for me and that is okay.

If you have thought about losing weight and getting healthy, open your front door tomorrow and go out for a walk, even if it is only a mile... it might only be a mile for the first little while but keep going, keep trying because eventually you will see yourself in a place you never thought possible and you will know that it really is up to you as I found out for myself... It was totally up to me, I had to make the time and really it is only an hour to an hour and a half per day... I am worth an hour and a half a day, so are you.  If you complain to me that you don't have time, I won't judge you, I will just let it go... I am not here to judge you or anyone else but if you make the effort, I will be your biggest cheerleader... I will root you on no matter where you are in the world.

Once the contest is over, the next thing I want to work on is strength training, I have long thought this was not my thing... however; with all the changes I have made in the past eight weeks, there is very little that I don't think I am capable of anymore. I know that when I put my mind to something, anything... I will be able to achieve it, it is only me who stops me... no one else.  I don't want to stop me anymore, I want to be my biggest cheerleader... I want to show myself I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Taking A Leap Away From Fear

It's funny and not funny haha... funny strange how the smallest thing can turn me around and bring me back to where I need to be... Here is the whole thing, I have been afraid, simply afraid.... I have no other words for what I was going through.  It's why I couldn't sleep, why I cried so much, why I felt lost...I felt hopeless and weighed down...  Fear does that to us, roots us to the spot and making a step in any direction is paralyzing....

At least that is how I see it from my eyes when I am filled with fear, I FINALLY took a leap instead of a step an honestly it was the best leap I ever took...  My fear was just that a fear, I turned away from it last night and I gained a lot of strength today knowing I was being held back because of my thoughts.  Those thoughts are so overpowering... once I saw that the fear was nothing more than my thoughts... I turned away from them and I became honest with myself and with the people close to me.

Guess what I got, love... I felt like the darkness was lifted and a light was finally able to shine in...  and all I had to do was push the fear down and take a leap.  I know, you are saying... that's all?... that's scary... You bet it was, I was shaking, barely breathing, crying... I felt this enormous pain.  The fear kept saying, don't do it, do you really want to know?  What if the outcome is exactly what I had been telling myself?  What if I changed everything, how would I deal with that?  I was positive I would be crushed, not wanting to get out of bed....

All because I thought it was better not to know... now instead of berating myself over not dealing with it head on, I am grateful that I finally took the plunge.  I was wrong, I like that I was wrong here... it doesn't matter to me how long it took for me to get here... it only matters that I arrived here. I am sure I will have ups and downs... that is a part of life.  what is very important about this one is that regardless of what happens down the road, I know the truth and nothing can change that... that makes me smile.

What finally got me to this point?  Two young women who are fighting anorexia... they both commented on my blog and when I read their stories, I saw myself in them, minus the anorexia (my eating is the opposite... over eating).  Regardless, I realized that I was using food and other substitutes to handle getting through the day... but I wasn't handling, I was just getting through... These two young women are incredible and they both inspired me, so much so that I was able to see a light in my darkness.  I am praying for these two women that they will see the light too... They are two very strong people as well as gifted writers, they have a no hold back type blog (the best kind as far as I am concerned).

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥