If Nothing Ever Changed, There'd Be No Butterflies

I have had a very busy week, hence why I haven't been writing... work has been busy for me, the good thing is... is that I finally have approval to work from home, now the paperwork starts... I am going in really early Monday to see if I can get all the forms filled out... I have been on the site and it says it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. So... getting the forms filled out is extremely important, along with that I still have some work left at home to be ready. Before I have anything from work placed in my office, I will take a picture and share it here... afterwards I cannot due to extremely sensitive information. I even have a lock on my office, I will be treating my work like work and leaving it at the end of the day. 

 

School will be starting soon for Valentina,  a little over two weeks... another thing I have to get ready for. She has decided to change her school this year, it is closer to home... where she will be able to walk back and forth most days unless there is inclement weather. As well, she will be able to come home for lunch... so I plan to take my lunch at the same time so that I can spend more time with her... I think this is going to be good for both of us as the past 8 years of traveling has taken a great deal of time from us... and I think teenagers need their parents more than they realize. 

In the past nearly two weeks since I have written... I have had many thoughts about what I wanted/needed to write... some incidents have come up reminding of me feelings I haven't really dealt with since I was not capable at the time... often I think it is best to put issues aside until I am stronger and with time answers often come up to help me make better decisions.  However; as you know bringing up emotions you haven't dealt with are still not easy... even when you are aware that life probably turned out for the best... accepting that isn't as simple as people want to portray it though. 

It's like dealing with my being raped, I have forgiven my ex and moved forward but it's not say that there are not days that it comes flooding back into my mind ... for the most part, I have become stronger... but it changed me in ways that people can't see... It made me much more empathetic to women who have had to deal with what I did in my marriage, I know that life isn't black and white... there are no easy answers. Of course looking back I can see all the signs that lead up to the emotional abuse in my marriage and how it ultimately lead to being raped...

I am not saying I brought that on me in anyway... I am saying that hindsight is twenty/twenty... I have been talking about this with a friend and she and I discussed how both of us were not able to see the men we married for what they really were... until much too late. However; both of us learned a great deal, it is exactly like Maya Angelou says 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' ... I know we should look for the good in others but that doesn't mean you have to let them in your life.

I have learned over time that I need to look after myself first or I will not be any good to anyone else... As well, if I respect my boundaries, people for the most part will respect them too. I believe that when I honor myself and know that I deserve to be treated with total respect, that is what I will get in return... Is that easy?  No, many life experiences alter us but if we can learn to respect ourselves that is where I think we can grow the most... besides if we never changed, there would be no butterflies...

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Finding The Beauty Of The Butterfly Within Me

I just wanted to share a quick update, I am still walking a lot... over 39 miles last week, I have to say I really enjoy it. I love knowing I can do this even when I thought it wasn't possible at one time... I love proving myself wrong, it makes me know I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was.

 

I've been thinking about some rather deep thoughts lately, I came across the quote above and realized how true it was... I know many people who are amazing and are unable to see this in themselves, I have often been unable to see this in myself too... When I think about what the butterfly goes through to become the beautiful thing that they are born to be, I am in awe... It is much like all the trials and tribulations that we deal with that help us to become the butterflies we were truly meant to be... and yet we sometimes fail to see our beauty.

 

This past couple of weeks has had me questioning how unfair life seems, I cannot fathom why some people seem to lie and hurt others but then have what they want and others who are honest and could never hurt another, doesn't have the things they desire... Although it is highly unfair, I came to the conclusion that the people that lie and hurt others are weak and the people that are honest grow stronger through each trial. 

Who would I rather be? Even if it is more difficult I want to be the girl that goes through each trial and comes out stronger for them... When I am going through them, it is hard to see the good that can come from them... One in particular nearly destroyed me and I was so positive that I could never get passed it... Some days are still harder than others, some days I see the good and I know one day I will have the answers to why I had to deal with something so devastating that a part of me wondered if I could stop feeling broken... 

I know what broken feels like inside, I can never explain it to someone who hasn't felt it... but I do know others who have felt this way too... When someone has told me in the past that all I need to do is see the good and have gratitude, I have honestly wanted to scream at them... I do know that staying there won't help me grow but going through it is what will ultimately strengthen me... I read a quote one time about damaged people being dangerous because they know they can survive... I'm a survivor... if I can climb out of a sadness that threatened to engulf me completely, I can pretty well get through anything thrown at me. 

I hope that I will be able to help others get through the trials they are going through because of what I have had to deal with, something good has to come from it... I know for sure I won't just tell someone to see the good and show gratitude... I will tell them to feel the pain, no matter how difficult it is... because one day they will emerge from the cocoon and become the butterfly I know they can be... Eventually they will see the good and show gratitude.

I love that last quote... I am looking for the magic for I want my soul to soar... that would be true freedom and happiness for me. I have found it in the past and I will again in the future. Today I plan to look for the beauty inside me... and remember it was always there.

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Riding The Wave Of Life

I remember a time I never doubted myself and the path I was on... I knew each time that when challenges came along that I all I had to do was ride out the wave and the answer would be there eventually.  I had a day in March 2008 which was one horrible incident after the other, throughout the whole day I smiled and took the challenges for what they were... to show me where I really should be going, within six months my life changed drastically.  Lately I have been wondering if I will ever recognize the path where I should be on or the answers it will give? 

I sometimes get a glimpse of the path and then it seems to disappear before I get there and I am left standing to wonder if I actually saw it or if it was all an illusion?  When you are shaken to the core in everything that you believe... becoming steady again even when it is calm is not easy.  It's like I doubt that the steady time will last before the next challenge is there for me to handle, lately I have been dealing with one thing... then another one would be delivered on my plate before I got through the first one, I started juggling them... eventually they fall, so it is much better to have the time in between to deal with them... I guess it is true that life is about learning to dance in the rain...

I know that sometimes there are trials that come into our lives that are meant to shake us up to where we become unsure but I also know that if we believe it is something that will pass, eventually along the path we will recognize the reason why we had to deal with that challenge.  For me, I just don't know the reason and because I don't know, it means I haven't been able to get back to where I should be. I feel like I have been floating in the wind... kind of like a butterfly that never stays put too long... instead I flit from here to there and I never seem to get to where I should be going. 

 

I had a thought tonight that made me very reflective of how I see people, more like how I want to see them than to actually see them as they truly are (I see that I have done this a few times in my life)... I realized that the unforgiving and judgmental attitudes were always there from the beginning, I failed to see past what I wanted to see... which makes me melancholy... I know that even though I have forgiven things, my forgiveness might not come ... I only have past behavior to think this, unless there is a great change somewhere, I will have to deal with that insight I gained and possibly one day, count myself lucky ...  Until then I will just ride the wave.

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Always Becoming Love

I was looking over my Pinterest board of quotes and I read the one above and it made me think how what we really all want is love... how do we get this love? we have to become love by giving love.  There is no other way to have love and the wonderful thing about giving love is that you really do get way more in return.  Soon you are so filled with love that instead of looking for ways to give love, you will just be opened to each new experience.

I see that a lot of people have settled for less than love... less than butterflies.  I have done this in the past myself, thinking I didn't deserve the butterflies... but I deserve the love with butterflies, I deserve the whole thing.  I deserve nothing less.

I am here to be an example of Love!

I was reading The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp today and he always writes three positive affirmations after he writes... this one above resonated with me... I want to be an example of love.  This means becoming who I am meant to be, not living small... it means believing in myself.

Truthfully it means not settling for less than butterflies... we all deserve the best, we all have that ability, we just have to decide we are worth it... I have decided I am worth it... Will you make the same decision?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥