Forgiveness Is A Choice

 

I have been thinking about a question I was posed last week.  The person wanted to know if I could articulate why I have been feeling the way I have?  I sat there for a moment before I answered and then I said... I guess I thought my life would be different.  I get up, go to work, come home, be a mom, try to sleep and then repeat over and over. That isn't living, that is surviving; there really has to be more to life than this, right?

Please don't tell me that happiness is a choice, that's a lovely thought but sometimes there are circumstances out of our control.  I am going to be honest here, when I hear things like that or others like I need to accept the way my life is or that I am the one standing in the way of my own progression.... It makes me feel like I am not worthy of love or happiness, like it's my fault. If I just changed the way I thought, I would have peace and happiness.  Sometimes it is not that easy.

I do know one thing, I am not a person who can live with holding a grudge or really disliking someone as it eats at me.  Yes there are plenty of people that we meet that we don't connect with or don't like ... when I say I don't hold a grudge or dislike someone, I mean I don't let them have space in my head. I just move on, I don't think of them.

It can be really difficult when a person continues to do everything that they can to tear me down, I want to be the stronger woman and just prove to them and everyone that no matter how many times you try to hurt me, I only come back stronger.  Truthfully if everything is rosy and perfect in your life, you wouldn't have time to waste looking for ways to bring me down, especially since you don't even know me.

For me to move forward, I have to forgive you for hurting me, otherwise you will always be in my life where you can pull me down to your level.  I don't want you as a part of my life in any way, I don't want to dislike you as I have and I don't want to waste my time even thinking about you.  I suggest you do the same... you have what you want, isn't that enough?  I guess not, if it was... I wouldn't be front and center in your life.

I am an open book, I am the same here that I am in real life.  I don't hide behind my words, I don't pretend to think or act like I have it all together.  Quite the opposite, I say it like it is, I tell the truth... even if it's not what people want to hear. I know it makes people feel uncomfortable but I don't know how to be any other way. I am not what you want to think or say I am, I am so much better than that... Hopefully you will feel that way about yourself one day and realize the only real damage you are causing is to yourself...

This thought and post came about because it is Easter, a time to reflect on gratitude and forgiveness.  I realized I was angry at this person for continually trying to hurt me, I want to forgive them and move on, even if they keep trying to hurt me, I am going to ignore them.  Frankly they are not worth my time, they are not as important as they think they are... Is there someone in your life that is taking up space in your head and not in a good way?  Forgiveness is a choice. . .

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Goals Are Promises I Make To Myself

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

Well it is supposed to rain for the next few days so I took the opportunity to walk home from church in my new Nike Air sneakers, they felt amazing... I love them.  I had a backpack and my purse so unfortunately I wasn't as quick as I wanted to be but at least I got out walking.  I am going to have to be creative and ready at a moments notice to just go for a walk when the rain is light.  I don't want to stop walking for 3-4 days just because of some rain.  Besides I am not made of sugar, I won't dissolve by going out for a walk in it.  I just don't want to walk in downpours or if it is thunder and lightening.  This is a wake up call for me and makes me realize I have to have some sort of alternative exercise planned, especially with winter on the way. I have really been spoiled with this summer, I have been able to walk almost every single day for the eleven weeks of the contest.

Besides I am thinking if I join the gym like I wanted to do in the past, this will get Valentina motivated to exercise too... She doesn't enjoy walking like I do but maybe she will enjoy going swimming or working out in other ways.  There is so many things she could do out at the Canada Games Center... I will just have to take the plunge and get signed up and start organizing myself to go out there at least 5 nights a week.  It might get her on a better path than she is on now, which lately has been sitting in front of the TV, a time waster in my mind ... especially since I haven't watched it in over 11 weeks, I wonder how I ever had time... different priorities then...

So, my sister has been here and gone, she and I had that bridge walk together and all I can say is wow, I became more motivated that ever to get better and better with my walking.  I realize I need to pull it up a notch and really push myself.  It is easier when you have someone who you can complete against, although I am always completing against myself to better my last time.  It really helps when you have someone there... I am thinking of getting a group together where we can walk together, it would have to be somewhere cheap because walking outside is going to become more and more difficult to do as the weather gets colder. Anyhow, my sister has come up with an idea to complete against each other, we are going to start tomorrow and see who can lose 10% of their body weight first and we both love Victoria Secret bras and the loser will have to buy the winner one... I told her I want a purple one.

I don't think she knows how motivated I am, she does have to lose less but as competitive as she can be, I am more so... I am willing to do whatever I need to become as healthy as possible. She works more than I do, so I have more time to exercise.  Either way, she and I will be winners because we will both lose... we will be taking pictures weekly of being on the scale and following each other on Fitness Pal...  I can hardly wait to pick out my new bra from Victoria Secret... hahaha.  She told me which one she had her eye one, I told her I am sure she will enjoy buying it for herself.

I am off for the next few days so I will be able to write a little more and get my house back in shape after having guests... something had to give this last week, housework and writing both went by the wayside... but that is okay.  I was able to spend some quality time with my sister and I was able to walk a fair amount for the limited time I had.  I am going to get to take Valentina to her first day of grade 5 on Wednesday, she is just about ready.. we just have to pack up her bag.  I see my doctor on Tuesday, I am sure she will be shocked when she sees how much weight I have lost... although 37 pounds is a lot, it is even more with the inches that I lost.  When I started the contest 11 weeks ago, I never measured myself, I was into the 5th week before I started and in the past 6 weeks, I lost 5 inches off my waist, 5 inches off my hips, 4 inches off each thigh and 3 inches under my chest.  I can only imagine how much I actually lost in inches since the beginning.

I don't want to post a picture of myself until I see David as I want to surprise him with the weight loss, he knows I am losing it but knowing it and seeing it are two different things.  However; I am thinking of putting a picture up on Instagram, if you have an account there than you could see it, I just have to find someone to take the picture for me... I wish it was either my son in law Paul or my daughter Andrea... both of which take amazing pictures of me.  Oh well, I have to be content to find someone else to take the picture.  I will post here to let everyone know when I put the picture up.  I will email it to a few of my friends but I don't want to post it on Facebook just yet... besides I plan to lose more weight and become even healthier than I am now.

So, I have two new goals, one to prepare myself for my 5k walk/run on October 6th and to lose 10% more weight before my sister does, both of which I will be doing.  It feels great to be committed and have goals... I also have a long term goal I am working on, once I get closer to it, I will write about it here, it is just in the beginning stages right now.  Goals are promises I make to myself, getting to each goal means I don't break those promises...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Progessing Outside My Comfort Zone

I think I have way too much on my plate right now, I just keep adding to it... not a good thing to do when I went from having basically 24 hours per day free time to now having very little free time.  Since I have been back to work, I have watched maybe an hour of TV (not a bad thing).   However; I rarely have downtime for myself which means that I don't relax enough and in turn I don't sleep enough.

So, I read my fifth chapter of The Purpose Driven Life and I came away from it in tears again, once again, not a bad thing but I have decided not to blog about it daily... because I want to have some happy uplifting posts in between and although the book is a massive eye opener, it also has me highly emotional about what I have been learning.  I am still going to read and study the book but I am going to write about other things, except when I feel compelled to write about what I have learned.

I have really been enjoying being back at work, I am sure I will be tested with a nasty client soon but hey, that is a part of life.  I am totally enjoying being back and dealing my all my co-workers... I really missed them, they are my work family and they always make me feel pretty special.  I don't have issues of people backstabbing me at work, we all try to help each other out whenever we can.  We all have things we are good at, I am really amazing at helping clients with their issues for ROE's (record of employments).  The good thing is that whatever someone else is good at, they are willing to share with each of their co-workers too.

We have a great mixture of people on our teams now and I was really grateful to find the teams didn't change while I was gone, last year we had so much change all at once that it was a lot to deal with for me.  However; that change ended up being good in the long run since I ended up meeting so many new and wonderful people that were hired.  It just didn't seem like that at the time.... here's the whole thing, I know that soon it will be time for me to move on to another department in my company as I am one of the last one's on my team that has not changed positions.  Mainly because I am really comfortable and happy in my position.  I mean it's perfect for me, I love to talk and I get to talk for a living...  who could ask for more than that.

I do know that I won't grow any of my potential if I don't advance somewhere along the line, which my team leader has been getting me to think about for the last six months. I kept holding off because I don't like to feel uncomfortable in my job but if I don't go outside my comfort zone I will never progress... which is not what I really want for myself and not what the company wants for me.  This company is all about leaning and growing, they work with us to find the next move for our careers.  They are all about helping each of us grow to our potential in anyway hey can, I have never worked for a company like that...  the only person holding me back is me, it is not my company.

About a month ago I was talking to my David, he has been an acting Major in the army for the last year or so and he told me that they wanted him to consider working on becoming a Major... I was happy for him and said congratulations... he told me, he wasn't ready.  Now if you really knew my David and anyone who reads my blog knows a lot about him as I blog about him often.  He LOVES his career in the army, he takes his responsibilities seriously and give his job 100%, I love how dedicated he is.... yet he doesn't believe he is capable of that position... I told him if the army thought he was ready then he was and I really believe in him as well.

That was when I realized that I do the same thing about my job and I knew that it was time to believe in myself as much as my team leaders and bosses believe in me.  Although I know it will be difficult for me to leave my teammates and move on in my career... that is what I need to do to grow.... my David helped me see that and he didn't even know it... it was because I see his potential and I saw a little of me in him with the fear that he didn't think he was ready.... that is how I have been in the past.

I know that in the future my David will become the Major he is meant to be, it's just a matter of time until he believes what I know... and before too long, I will be in a learning mode again, feeling uncomfortable and growing because of it all.  The more uncomfortable I am, the more I will know I am meant to be there... if life was meant to be easy, we would never progress from grade to grade and then progress in our careers or anywhere in our lives. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥