Feeling Pain To Get To The Other Side

I have had quite the month in July, for the past 28 days, I have been able to exercise every single day. That's probably not always a good thing as I do need to rest my body from time to time. I ended up walking an average of 14,000 steps, about 7 miles and over 85 minutes of active exercise daily. Yet with all of this, I have just maintained my weight since I stopped being accountable for my food... because the truth is that I cannot out exercise poor choices in food, be it the type of food or quantity.

Why have I been over eating? Self sabotage? Sadness? Anger? ... a little of everything, I am disappointed with the way some things have turned out in my life. When I sit back and ponder about how far I have come, I ask myself if I have gratitude for that?... the truth is I do... I am very thankful for all the trials I have overcome and all the changes I have made in my life to become who I am today. 

I was angry this week because I felt as though I didn't have the right to be disappointed or sad... I do though. When did it become bad to feel these things? I know I shouldn't live there all the time... but I think that is what is wrong, the minute I feel sad/disappointed, people start counting off my many blessings... or telling me all their trials that they went through and survived or implying I am selfish and not grateful for what I do have in my life.

 

You know what this does, at least for me...it makes me want to cover it up... just like I did in the past when I felt a deep heartache... instead of dealing with it, I did everything I could not to feel... I should have felt it and moved through it, instead of always trying to go around it. Every time I went around it, it would always came back for me to deal with later. Usually it was even harder as I had more pain to add to it. 

I am grateful that I am not judgmental of others and their choices, I have come to know that forgiveness is more about setting myself free and that loving myself is a good thing... it helps me to love others even more. I have learned to set boundaries for myself and I gave myself permission to say no if I feel like others are stepping over those lines. Mostly I know that I have the right to feel disappointed with where I am in certain parts of my life, it doesn't mean that I don't have gratitude for the wonderful parts, it means I am working through the pain.

Someone asked me if I thought I deserved to be happy? My answer is yes and although I am not in that place at the moment, I know it exists... I have felt it... it is incredible... it is worth working towards today and in the future... I know heartache will happen, unfortunately it's what seems to help me grow ... some things are more difficult than others to deal with but because I have felt true joy, I know pain won't last, however; feeling sad is okay... feeling pain is how we get to the other side.

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My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

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Excuses Are Unacceptable For Me

I wrote last night ... I was too tired to add the pictures and publish it ... when I woke up this morning, I re-read it and realized it wasn't something I should publish here. I added it to my private blog. I couldn't delete it totally because it was how I felt and I just needed to get it out. However; it made me realize a few things... it is not news to anyone I know that I have been very sad for a long time... I wear my my heart on my sleeve. I don't know how to compartmentalize that part of myself, not that I didn't try because when I was numbing myself by zoning out of my life that was my effort to hide my sadness.

That didn't work out for me so well, instead it built up more and I tried numbing it more. I ignored everything, I would come home, veg in front of the TV then go on the computer, then sleep. Anytime I thought about the sadness that was threatening to engulf me at any moment ... I dove into anything and everything that would cover the sadness. It didn't work though as it rarely does, what it does instead, it ends up destroying me. I don't know about other people, I just know about me and whenever I bury something, it comes back stronger.

Then like I wrote before, an incident at Christmas was eye opening to me... and I knew that if I was to ever overcome the sadness, I had to feel every last bit of it. Hence why I don't sleep as much as I should, my mind never turns off. What I neglected to see through the last year and a half was that I was angry too... that was not something I wanted to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. However; I had to let myself feel that too... that was what last nights post was about...

I was angry at 'him' for a number of reasons that I won't go into here... I do wish I could have said the words I had inside to him, he needs to know... but then I don't think he would own the truths, instead he'd lay more blame outside of himself, probably on me. I actually took the blame he laid on me at first but as time went on, I realized he was afraid of what I knew and what I could say. This proved he never really knew me and it took me a long time to accept that... because if he had really known me, he would have known that I would never ever do anything to hurt him... even though he had hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

I let go of the anger before the New Year... I didn't want to bring it with me, the sadness is slowly going away. It's because I am changing my life, this year is really about 'No Excuses' for me. I rarely miss a day of exercise, if I cannot walk because of nasty weather, I have danced and I am continually looking for alternatives. I want to be successful, so I am thinking outside the box daily.

I cleaned and organized my home a bit more, little by little I am going to be ready to move and really make a new start by downsizing to absolute necessities. The more things I have, the more clutter I have... the less peace I have. I am making and keeping plans with friends, there is a dance this weekend coming up and I am going, I even have a little black dress for it (my first one). I plan to just have fun and dance with my girlfriends... As well I have made commitments to have people over and just talk... I think with the internet we lost that ability for small chat... I miss that.

With everyday that goes by that I don't numb my feelings or thoughts... I see that I have two choices in front of me... one I can go back to where I was or two I can move forward, there honestly is no standing still. Since I know exactly what is back where I was, that is no longer an option for me... so moving forward is all I have, it's all we ever really have... 

I am giving up the idea that there are limitations on where I am and what I am able to achieve, if I decide to make a change and really put my mind to it, I am capable of achieving it ... it will take work but I am not afraid of putting in the hard work... I would be more afraid of not putting myself out there and conquering the trials that have been given to me... that would mean I was going backwards and not growing. That is unacceptable to me... For today and going forward it is full steam ahead and 'No More Excuses'.

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Forgiveness Is A Choice

 

I have been thinking about a question I was posed last week.  The person wanted to know if I could articulate why I have been feeling the way I have?  I sat there for a moment before I answered and then I said... I guess I thought my life would be different.  I get up, go to work, come home, be a mom, try to sleep and then repeat over and over. That isn't living, that is surviving; there really has to be more to life than this, right?

Please don't tell me that happiness is a choice, that's a lovely thought but sometimes there are circumstances out of our control.  I am going to be honest here, when I hear things like that or others like I need to accept the way my life is or that I am the one standing in the way of my own progression.... It makes me feel like I am not worthy of love or happiness, like it's my fault. If I just changed the way I thought, I would have peace and happiness.  Sometimes it is not that easy.

I do know one thing, I am not a person who can live with holding a grudge or really disliking someone as it eats at me.  Yes there are plenty of people that we meet that we don't connect with or don't like ... when I say I don't hold a grudge or dislike someone, I mean I don't let them have space in my head. I just move on, I don't think of them.

It can be really difficult when a person continues to do everything that they can to tear me down, I want to be the stronger woman and just prove to them and everyone that no matter how many times you try to hurt me, I only come back stronger.  Truthfully if everything is rosy and perfect in your life, you wouldn't have time to waste looking for ways to bring me down, especially since you don't even know me.

For me to move forward, I have to forgive you for hurting me, otherwise you will always be in my life where you can pull me down to your level.  I don't want you as a part of my life in any way, I don't want to dislike you as I have and I don't want to waste my time even thinking about you.  I suggest you do the same... you have what you want, isn't that enough?  I guess not, if it was... I wouldn't be front and center in your life.

I am an open book, I am the same here that I am in real life.  I don't hide behind my words, I don't pretend to think or act like I have it all together.  Quite the opposite, I say it like it is, I tell the truth... even if it's not what people want to hear. I know it makes people feel uncomfortable but I don't know how to be any other way. I am not what you want to think or say I am, I am so much better than that... Hopefully you will feel that way about yourself one day and realize the only real damage you are causing is to yourself...

This thought and post came about because it is Easter, a time to reflect on gratitude and forgiveness.  I realized I was angry at this person for continually trying to hurt me, I want to forgive them and move on, even if they keep trying to hurt me, I am going to ignore them.  Frankly they are not worth my time, they are not as important as they think they are... Is there someone in your life that is taking up space in your head and not in a good way?  Forgiveness is a choice. . .

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My First Successful 5K

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I walked/jogged my 5K, I competed and interestingly enough, I competed with me.  It is good to be in a group with other people but ultimately we compete with ourselves.  I felt free while jogging, feeling like I could go on forever but because I never put enough training in for this, I wouldn't allow myself to just keep going.   Eventually I will be able to jog a whole one and that is what I am committed to learning for the Spring.  I had a great deal to overcome in a very short time, I had to quit smoking, I had to lose over 50 pounds (53 to be exact) I still have another 35 pounds I want to take off.

Hear me and hear me now, I will not be too skinny, I will be 20 to 25 pounds over what doctors, Weight Watchers and such think I should be. If I were to go down to what they think is right for me, then I would be too thin.  I have NO desire to be too thin, I LOVE my curves, I love that I am shaped like a woman. I will have a bigger booty than most with a smaller waist, I am more than okay with that.  I have absolutely no desire to get down to a size 4-6-8... Not because I can't but because I don't want to, I would lose what I love most about my body, my curves.

So, I will be happy with a size 10-12-14 and I will look just fine and I will be healthy. Healthy because I will continue to exercise 5-6 days per week, I will do fun things like strength training, Zumba and I am looking into salsa dancing... Eventually I want to swim, once I tone some of my body up.  That will come with strength training. and some time.  I am 100% committed to really getting into shape.

So for my 5K, I completed it in 44:10 minutes, I was hoping to do it under 46:00 minutes, I did and I beat it by nearly 2 minutes.  That was wonderful.... Of course others did this in under 30 minutes and one day with training, I will be able to do that as well.  I have to learn how to breathe when I am running/jogging and I have to believe I can continue and not have a heart attack... lol.  When it was all done, I averaged a mile at 14.09 per minute... all I can say is WOW... so much better than I thought I was capable of... that is why I know I can and will get better.  I believe in myself and I have Faith that I will only get better.

I used this walk/jog to work out an issue that has been on my mind... I have been angry, sad, despondent, afraid, ticked beyond belief... What I am going to say here won't be enough but know that I plan to direct it to the right person, they need to know.  There was a breach in trust and when it all went down, it devastated me, made me feel that deep down, the trust I had with a person was only one sided... Otherwise you don't hide things from someone you trust and you don't blindside them.  Trust is about being there for someone, no matter what.  I have not changed that, I will be there for them... I will show them what trust really is.  Yes I am mad/angry and disappointed but this person will learn in time that they are the ones that had the lack of trust... it was never me... I was always there, as I always will be...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

I'm Hoping I Left Some Of It Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am not even sure what I want to write or if I should write... I haven't slept for a couple of days, other than an hour or so at a time... even when I took the opportunity to nap in the day over the weekend, it was only an hour here and there.  Tonight, no matter what I do, sleep eludes me... unfortunately for reasons I can't talk about, reasons I feel like I have no one to talk with...  I don't ever think I have felt this lonely and alone in my life. How did I get to this place in my life where I have no one, no one because I feel I would be judged.

Only my David and he is busy as well as healing... he never judges me, why can't more people be like that? I feel so frustrated that I could scream and I know I can't because that would not solve anything... I feel sad and nothing I do is making the sadness go away... I feel angry and I don't want to feel this way.  Truthfully a huge part of me wants to do anything I can so that I don't have to feel the way I am feeling right now... so many silly ideas ran around in my head all day long...  Not one of them were viable... as in the end, none of them would make me happy, none of them would take the pain away.

It would still be there, how would that solve anything?... I guess I have to walk through the pain, no matter hard it is, no matter how sad it is... I want to make it to the other side... In the past I avoided walking through the pain... I did everything and anything so that I never had to feel it... What did it accomplish?  Nothing... the pain was still there... I am just so afraid that I will walk through the pain and it will still be there, then what do I do?

I walked tonight, I really walked fast on the track... I kept going around and around the track, hoping I would tire myself out so that I wouldn't have to think... I sat down after forty some minutes and the sweat literally rolled off me and dripped everywhere, it stung my eyes, my pony tail was soaked against my back, every article of clothing I had on was stuck to me.  I just sat there... and then the tears came, the ones I had been trying to hold back.  No one knew, it looked like I was sweating ... I didn't care.  I felt empty and yet the tears continued and pain didn't cease.

Now I can't sleep and the tears won't stop ... the only good thing is that I have not fallen back into old patterns... I didn't breakdown and eat everything, I walked... I did two good things and it is still the same... But because they are the same, it showed me that falling into old patterns never solved the pain, maybe with my new pattern... eventually I will walk through the pain to the other side.

My whole life is flipped upside down... I'm not complaining, everyone has that from time to time... it is apart of living.  Just as I say and believe, it isn't the amount of challenges we get through, it is how we get through them... I want to get through this one in the best way possible.  So many times today I wanted to lay on the floor in a fetal position and just cry until there was nothing left inside but honestly this pain will not be cried out in a day... it will take a lot of time. It's probably one of the most difficult days of my life and I thought the day that David told me we were not going to make it was the hardest day.

This was much worse, I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly sad I am and how much pain I am feeling.  There are not enough words to adequately explain what I am feeling.  I am sure people have felt more than I have had to deal with today... but I can tell you this... I would take back all the pain I have had in the past and trade this day away.  I was burned in a fire that I have to live with everyday... it changed my family and I have been physically and emotionally abused as a child for many years, I was degraded and emotionally abused in my marriage and then finally raped by Andrey,

I would take back every single one of those if I could trade today away but of course I can't... this is one of those defining moments in my life, the kind that will ultimately break me or make me so strong that I will not even believe it is possible.  I know how tough this is to read, believe I know... I wrote it, it was and is inside me... I wrote tonight in hopes that I could leave some of it somewhere, other than inside my heart and head... Maybe I could sleep for an hour or two... I'm hoping....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

I Am Going To Re-teach People How To Treat Me

I probably shouldn't post tonight, I am irate... Oooo, I don't like feeling this way but for whatever reason I let some people bring this out in me... Normally I just don't hang around these people but for some people I allow them to frustrate me and get away with it... This is something I need to change... why am I so afraid to stand up to certain people.  I think what I need to get into my head somehow is that if I say what I feel and they don't like it, then so be it... If I don't feel safe enough to say how I am feeling, why are they in my life.

Why do I feel the need to keep people in my life that don't deserve me?  It's like I think so little of myself that I am afraid I will lose those people and I would be lost... REALLY???  How about they would be lost without me?  I wonder if they ever think of that...? Probably not, because they see that no matter what they say or do that I still let them in my life.  I don't have a problem telling a person that is being mean and hurtful to me to move on ... I have problems saying it to others who just say insensitive things without even thinking.  Maybe I should tell them how insensitive they are and let the chips fall where they may.

If they can't understand that they are hurting me, maybe they need to be told... than they can either stop or stay out of my life.  Who wants anyone in their life that doesn't bring them up?  Not me anymore... I don't know what it is in my DNA that I allow anyone to be that way with me.  I try very hard not to be insensitive... I try to think of the other persons feelings. I swear I have a tattoo on my forehead that says... please walk all over me... it is only visible to those people.

My rant is over... instead of continuing to rant... I am going to confront those people and say how I feel... what is the worst thing that could happen?  I could lose them... Oh well, right at this moment, I think I could care less... Ultimately long term they will realize they have lost something even better... ME! I am very faithful, honest, open, caring and loving with my friends... you would think they wanted to be the same way with me... maybe not...

I guess I just needed to say how I felt and now I feel a bit better... I am still going to stand up to those people and tell them they are aggravating me with their insensitivity ... otherwise they might never know.  Besides, like I wrote the other night, any man future or otherwise should feel lucky if I give them a chance... I deserve for someone to feel lucky to have me.  My friends should try to remember this... The saying is true, You Teach People How To Treat You!  

I wanted to end this on a positive note after starting it out with so much frustration...  Today I was able to walk for over 3 miles, I am so pleased with myself... I even have blisters and I don't care, I am going to walk as much as I possibly can... I do need to eat a little more food than I am eating... I am not eating enough... for some reason, the more I walk the less I want to eat which isn't good as I am not even eating the minimum calories and I am expending so much energy, my body will think it is going into starvation mode (which makes me laugh since I am far from starving) However, I understand that my body doesn't get that... it just thinks I am depriving it.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Challenges Can Turn Into Rewards

I wondered what would get me out of the funky mood I was in... I almost made one of the biggest mistakes of my life because I was sad... I forgot to remember that the future isn't written yet and I can change the outcome by changing my present.  Luckily I was prompted not to make a decision and I actually listened to it... believe me I am one of those people that usually has to be hit by brick to hear those promptings.

If I hadn't listened I could have hurt two people, one of them being me.  I am NOT the kind person that tries to or wants to hurt anyone... I am the girl who will do whatever she can not to hurt or upset another person. Even when people hurt me, I don't look for ways to hurt them...  I usually just let it go and move on, mainly because I don't think it is for me to even the score, it is for me to forgive. If you read my blog regularly, you know that I don't hold malice or anger towards people that have either intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. 

I will tell you this though, look out if you hurt my family or my very good friends, that is where I need to learn to forgive.  I have a problem with anyone who could hurt someone I love and it makes me cry, the people that are my family or my close friends are good and kind people and when I see someone go out of their way to cause any pain to them, it takes everything within me not to lash out at them. I know I need to learn to be more forgiving that way but for me, that is the hardest one.

I keep reminding myself that it is not up to me to dole out punishment... It just hurts me so much more when someone that I love is being hurt over and over and they are a good and kind person that does not deserve to be continually hurt.  I don't know what to tell these people who no matter how loving and wonderful they are that unfortunately challenges are a part of life. With me, most times I can handle the challenge, it is usually because of a choice I have made in the past.

I guess why I get so angry at people that hurt my family or close friends is because not everyone can see that forgiveness is the only way to heal and letting it go... I know this and believe I feel grateful for that knowledge I can't give that knowledge to anyone, they have to learn that on their own.  So I become sad because they are sad or hurt or angry and I want to do whatever I can to take that pain away for them... however; I can't... I just have to be there for them...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Anger Is Usually A Waste Of Energy

You know how people always tell you not to go to bed angry?  They couldn't be more right... last night I had a conversation with a friend that just ended up rubbing me the wrong way, so I signed off from talking to them but I didn't forget how perturbed I was.  So, I went to sleep like that and woke up in the same mood... the more I thought about the conversation the more ticked off I became, it just started to make me wonder how people that are your friends and care about you can say things without thinking.

Anyhow, I kept the mood up all day, right into getting Valentina off to bed.  Then I sat down to think about it and process it... I decided that I can continue to be angry about it and let it bother me or I can let it go and move on... I want to let it go... otherwise I won't be able to continue the friendship and that would disappoint me more.  I can let go of my hurt feelings, I know that none of it was intentional, it all hurts the same though.

I wanted to talk to my friend but I really think they are oblivious to the fact that they upset me because it was through chat.  A lot of times we have no idea how we could be upsetting someone because you cannot gauge someone's reactions... I love social media but nothing beats hearing someone's voice or seeing them and talking with them.  That way you have a much better idea of what the other person is inferring because of voice and body language.

I think our society has lost the art of conversation because of chat and texting, although I love these methods, nothing beats sitting with a friend talking on the phone or in the same room.  I am sure that if I was in the same room with that friend or on the phone, I would have come away from the conversation feeling a whole lot better.

It's because the situation would have been dealt with immediately and we would have ended everything off with laughter... instead I went to bed perturbed and carried it through to today, actually adding to it by adding other things the person said before, trying to justify my mood... Unfortunately I realized or knew that there is nothing that can justify my mood.  Just because someone says something hurtful, whether they meant to or not, does not mean that I should pass that on.

Here I am chatting with my friend again tonight, everything is fine... they honestly have no clue.  I am going to be a lot more careful what I put in a chat or text, I don't want someone upset with me for something I didn't mean to infer... If anything like this happens in the future, I will make the decision to move on before I go to sleep.. then I won't waste so much time being angry at nothing.

  I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Clearing My Mind To Untangle My Thoughts

 

I didn't have the energy to blog last night, due to the fact that I only had two hours of sleep the night before.  I attempted to write as I had some very wonderful inspiration, however; everything I wrote was garbled, it made no sense... I ultimately gave up and went to sleep.  I am still studying The Purpose Driven Life, it's very enlightening... I always come away with something profound or thoughtful.

I will write two catch up posts tomorrow to get back on top of things.  I already have a general idea of what I want to say, I just need to have the rested mind to actually write those thoughts out so that they don't come out all tangled up together.

I have been thoroughly enjoying being back to work, laughing and chatting with my co-workers... I really felt the love when I came back as so many people hugged me and told me how much they missed me.  It is wonderful to know how appreciated you are, they even wrote me daily notes on a note pad, counting down my return and how happy they were going to be... I felt so special ....

The other reason my thoughts are all tangled up is that I am disappointed and angry (the last one being my least favorite mood as being angry serves no good purpose), however; I am... It comes from when people say one thing to me, then do another and than act like I am stupid, either that or they are... either way it is maddeningly frustrating when it happens to me.

Then I am upset with myself since I don't address the issue because I am afraid of flying off the handle and then saying things that will make it much worse... instead I have allowed myself to feel angry which is foolish... I guess I will have to confront the individual and say my peace as nicely as possible...

Finally, I am really considering joining up with The Canada Games Center, it has a pool, a track, workout rooms, Zumba classes, yoga and so much more. I am wanting a family pass so that Valentina and I can spend an hour or more there in the evenings getting ourselves healthy.  It is a little spendy but so worth it for all the health benefits.  Much less time with TV and general wasting of time... I will have to be organized to still be able to put my blog together each night but I think this is a good thing.  I will blog about my progress as I want to keep a written journal...

If you have had anger with someone who says one thing to you but turns around and does the complete opposite, how did you deal with it?  If you confronted the person, was it worth it?  Did it change everything between you?  I totally believe in forgiving people and not holding onto hurt... this one has me stumped though... I am hoping with time, I will get a handle on that feeling and not let it take over my thoughts completely.... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥