Starting Today

I have been wanting to sit down and write for the last few days but life has been extremely busy with the holidays... when I finally had some time to relax, I chose to catch myself up with everyone's blog and I have taken a great deal of time to think. I really have never been one that sits down on New Years Eve and makes resolutions, although I do believe in making goals because if I don't make some sort of goals, I flounder around.

I have used excuses in the past couple of months for not exercising, not eating healthy, not being present... I had my course, my new changes at work and of course Christmas... However, as I thought about it over the past couple of days, I knew that they were only excuses to give myself permission to do as I pleased, I decided today that I am not letting anymore excuses get in my way.

Starting today, I will be eating better, I will be filling in my food journal on My Fitness Pal... I will also be walking/exercising as much as I can and I will be tracking this on Map My Walk again. This Winter seems to be more mild and I couldn't be happier, so I am going to use the nicer weather while I can to get myself started back on track.

This past year I rid myself of excess items, I have a lot more that I need to let go of before I actually move this Summer. My motto lately is about becoming minimalistic about things, I don't feel the need to have excess items, they just take up space and clutter my life. I am downsizing in so many ways and actually looking forward to it...

I also want to take my last payroll course this year which I will likely do this Spring, after year end and before I am in the craziness of moving this Summer... Then I can look at other options and who knows where they will lead me. Although change is extremely difficult, especially when it is handed to us... it really is a good thing, it is just not always easy to see that when we are in the middle of it...

2014 was a year of ups and downs in many ways, I started off the year unable to sleep... that lasted for nine long months but I finally found a way to get more rest. It was a year of learning, constant polishing... wondering if I would get passed all the trials.  There are still some I am working on, others that I got through... and through this whole year I held on to hope.

Hope that all the challenges and changes I had to deal with would eventually make sense one day... I still hold on to that... It is that hope that I have held on to that made me think about what I have been doing in my life and where it was leading me? ... It then led me to think about how hard I had worked to get to where I am today and how I was throwing away all the hard work. My question to myself of course was why? ...

The answer was that I allowed myself to slide so that I could numb myself in whatever way I could find, just so that I wouldn't have to feel. Thankfully, I know that I just had to decide to get back on track and with some hard work, I will be even better than I was in the past. I am well aware that I am going to have to deal with feelings, which I am hoping will be easier now that there is less chaos in my life.

My new motto each morning to myself is 'Starting Today' I will or will not do one thing for the day.... I never want to go back to where I was... which means that I have to make the necessary changes... the key word is 'I'... So, starting today, I am going to be accountable to myself.

I thank each of you for reading and or commenting, it has been a wonderful year of growing new and old friendships over the internet, you all made me feel less alone....  I want to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers a very Happy New Year... I hope 2015 brings you all joy and peace❤

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Today I Succeeded, What About Tomorrow‏?

Andrea showed up quite late last night... about 3:00 am, she went directly to her dads... They showed up about lunch time at my house and I was finally able to kiss my handsome little Jackson... he is one adorable little boy.  I hope the weather clears up, I want to take him for a walk to the Public Gardens so he can feed the ducks.

I didn't get much walking in today... only 30 minutes due to all the waiting around.  Tomorrow I am just going to take my walk first thing in the morning, probably an hour to an hour and a half.  I need to clear my head and walking does that for me. Also, tomorrow is the last day of school for Valentina, a short day but that will be when I take my walk.

 
I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today, mainly because I'm used to talking to my 'D' pretty well everyday, it's been a couple of days for me.  I just need to hear from him... to know that everything is okay.

I have been so focused on walking and eating healthy that I haven't even realized that I've been pushing my feelings down so that I don't have to deal with them.  They are still there, threatening to spill over.  It's not like I think I have it all figured out because that's not even possible.

The other day my doctor asked me if I was happy? I was about to give the pat answer that of course I was... but this is my doctor, I have known her for close to 25 years... so I said, no...  Isn't it possible that I could stop being sad most of the time?  Instead of feeling that I walk and I write... I've already wrote once today and walked... Today it wasn't enough... today I cried...

Today I felt like doing anything but feeling, today I fought the desire to eat or use anything I could think of not to cry... Today I succeeded but what about tomorrow?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥