Peace Within Chaos

I have been in a reflective mood this week... thinking about how I just want to attain some peace in my life because I was thinking for me, without peace my life is out of balance... and life without balance is chaos.

I then started looking up quotes about peace and how to attain it... I love quotes that make me feel... that is most of what I collect on my Pinterest boards. I found the quote above that resonated with me... at the same time I understood where the chaos was coming from and the importance of having chaos; but with it I also think I can have peace.  I don't want to have peace where I never get challenged to be more of who I am meant to be, for that is not a life worth living.

The question wasn't how to rid myself of chaos, it became how to have peace in the chaos. This is where I think growth really happens, especially for me... when everything seems calm and I am going along without any bumps is when I am not growing... I am just being. For me, that is not enough... I need to be continually challenging myself and that is where the chaos comes in... it challenges me to think outside of the box I am in at any given moment...

The quote below made me realize that although chaos disturbs me, it also moves me to change. With this I came to an understanding of why I had to have the chaos I had before Christmas as it was what helped me to change my life around. Although this week I was floundering around a bit, I knew that writing about it would help me to figure out what it is that I needed to get back on track.

For me to get back on track, I had to admit to myself that I cannot be in control all the time, I had to understand that giving up control doesn't mean I will fail... it means I need to trust the process and that if I try to be in control all the time, this is where I will fail and never progress... I was in a mindset this week that if I could be in control, I could have peace...

I like when a light bulb comes on with me... as I am sure most of us do... it can be tough being in the dark and wondering if I will ever see the light again... but of course we always do...  When I first started writing today I wanted to figure out how to live my life in peace without chaos but as I wrote I realized that isn't feasible with growth... for me, chaos is a necessity to achieve peace...

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Starting Today

I have been wanting to sit down and write for the last few days but life has been extremely busy with the holidays... when I finally had some time to relax, I chose to catch myself up with everyone's blog and I have taken a great deal of time to think. I really have never been one that sits down on New Years Eve and makes resolutions, although I do believe in making goals because if I don't make some sort of goals, I flounder around.

I have used excuses in the past couple of months for not exercising, not eating healthy, not being present... I had my course, my new changes at work and of course Christmas... However, as I thought about it over the past couple of days, I knew that they were only excuses to give myself permission to do as I pleased, I decided today that I am not letting anymore excuses get in my way.

Starting today, I will be eating better, I will be filling in my food journal on My Fitness Pal... I will also be walking/exercising as much as I can and I will be tracking this on Map My Walk again. This Winter seems to be more mild and I couldn't be happier, so I am going to use the nicer weather while I can to get myself started back on track.

This past year I rid myself of excess items, I have a lot more that I need to let go of before I actually move this Summer. My motto lately is about becoming minimalistic about things, I don't feel the need to have excess items, they just take up space and clutter my life. I am downsizing in so many ways and actually looking forward to it...

I also want to take my last payroll course this year which I will likely do this Spring, after year end and before I am in the craziness of moving this Summer... Then I can look at other options and who knows where they will lead me. Although change is extremely difficult, especially when it is handed to us... it really is a good thing, it is just not always easy to see that when we are in the middle of it...

2014 was a year of ups and downs in many ways, I started off the year unable to sleep... that lasted for nine long months but I finally found a way to get more rest. It was a year of learning, constant polishing... wondering if I would get passed all the trials.  There are still some I am working on, others that I got through... and through this whole year I held on to hope.

Hope that all the challenges and changes I had to deal with would eventually make sense one day... I still hold on to that... It is that hope that I have held on to that made me think about what I have been doing in my life and where it was leading me? ... It then led me to think about how hard I had worked to get to where I am today and how I was throwing away all the hard work. My question to myself of course was why? ...

The answer was that I allowed myself to slide so that I could numb myself in whatever way I could find, just so that I wouldn't have to feel. Thankfully, I know that I just had to decide to get back on track and with some hard work, I will be even better than I was in the past. I am well aware that I am going to have to deal with feelings, which I am hoping will be easier now that there is less chaos in my life.

My new motto each morning to myself is 'Starting Today' I will or will not do one thing for the day.... I never want to go back to where I was... which means that I have to make the necessary changes... the key word is 'I'... So, starting today, I am going to be accountable to myself.

I thank each of you for reading and or commenting, it has been a wonderful year of growing new and old friendships over the internet, you all made me feel less alone....  I want to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers a very Happy New Year... I hope 2015 brings you all joy and peace❤

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves‏ Are The Worst Ones

I've been thinking about how wrong I was about so many things and so many people... I think it's why I don't want to trust myself anymore; because although people have lied to me over the years... the worst lies are the ones I've told myself.

I feel I was lied to... I feel betrayed... I don't know how I could feel less.  I asked the hard questions and I was told lies... lies to make me feel better at the time.  It would have been more merciful to be honest from the beginning.

Instead I paddled about holding on to the lies that were told to me... Everything was as it was and I believed the lies over the sad truth that was never told to me.  Now I'm paying the bigger price. Why did I believe the lies?  The words that were meant to make things better? ... not for me... they made things worse... just as lies always do.

I'm not looking for karma for anyone... I unfortunately believe that happens anyway.  I don't want to see the outcome of all the lies, it would actually make me sad to see anyone feel even a small part of my pain. I wish for peace ... I wish for honesty, even if it brings pain... because although honesty can bring sadness and pain... lies destroy us in a much bigger way.

I wanted so badly to lay everything out, I have the written words to prove I was told lies... I wanted to deflect the pain away but I knew that my returning the favor wouldn't bring me peace.  It wouldn't bring peace to anyone... there would just be more pain to deal with. I don't even need to hear that the words were lies... I know they were... I believed them all...  besides I have already forgiven the lies.  Always say the truth, even if you're afraid...Especially say the truth to yourself because the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself...

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Living On Purpose Is The Path To Peace

I read this chapter this morning and throughout the day as I thought about it, I wondered what I would write about it...  then I came home after my first day of work and I pulled up the audio message and after listening for maybe ten minutes I begin to understand what I was supposed to get from the message.

I want peace as we all do, peace will bring happiness even when things don't go the way we want them to go... I remember a day in my life, it was January 25, 1995... I had gone to the store to buy a chair for my nanny, I was doing many errands for her and I was grateful that I was able to do these things for her. I purchased the chair and had it set up for delivery and then I stopped to call her from a payphone (cell phones were not the norm then) to tell her I had acquired the chair, then I told her I would talk to her soon.

I got on the bus and as I was traveling home I felt as if I should stay on the bus and go visit her but I phoo phooed it as I had just been there the day before and I had plans to go down the next day.  I went home and called her before I laid down, there was no answer...  I didn't think too much of it and I laid down for a nap.  I woke up about an hour or so later and I called her again, there was still no answer... I then called her my aunt to see if she had heard from her and she had not.  I started to get panicky but I couldn't leave as I was looking after a boy who was coming to my house after school. 

I kept calling her and then I started begging God that she was okay, I cried, I was fearful.. finally I stopped and prayed that I would be able to accept and handle whatever the outcome was and I felt at peace.  A friend came by and she drove me down to my nanny's place, I had a key and when I opened the door she was on the carpet and she had passed away.  I was heartbroken because she had always been there for me all of my life when Ruth my ex step mother made life unbearable, my nanny's house was a refuge.  I went through the grieving process but I never forgot the calm peace that came to me when I prayed that I could accept the outcome. 

I am kind of going through that again with my David, he's alive but I am grieving the loss of what we had and what we could have had.  I have been in that panicky begging mode for so long because I know the huge potential he and I could have for happiness, love and joy... unfortunately he couldn't see it and when I thought about that day when I prayed for acceptance  for what I would have to deal with, I knew that I would have to pray for acceptance with David too.  Otherwise I will always be in a state of grief over him forever.

Let me tell you, that is so hard when I know that my soul mate and my best friend will only be my friend.  I have worked hard on letting go and moving on but today I realized I have not accepted it... I have been in that state of begging and bargaining with God which has left me still in grief, somehow I have to come to accept it, that is the only way I will be able to move on. I won't know the why while I am here but one day I will know, one day I will be able to understand. Part of me thinks that I need to learn my purpose in life and that if I had ended up with my David so easily that I never would have searched for it.  I would have thought I had found my purpose to love my David with all my heart and spend my life making him and me as happy as I possibly could. He's my other half that I fit together with perfectly, he makes me laugh and he understands my quirkiness....

That is not my purpose though, maybe I had to lose my David as the love of my life to realize that I have a much higher purpose, one I don't even understand yet but I will one day.... I want peace in my life and the only way is acceptance.  Another day of crying, more like sobbing but that is a part of acceptance. I will get there one day and sooner rather than later.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Forgiveness Will Lead You To Freedom

My day runs one into the other... lots of time to just rest and think.  I'm one of those people who enjoys some me time but I'm also a people person.  I realize though that as much as I want all the contact, I need the quiet... so that I can rest as much as possible.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

- Katherine Ponder

 

When I read this quote above today, it reinforced within me that I don't want to hold resentment of another... I don't want to wonder why things are good for them and not for me?  I don't want to question why some people seem to escape trials while others are inundated with them.  The precise reason that I don't hold the resentment for others is that I want my freedom. 

I don't want to have those chains holding me back, so that I cannot move on.  It always makes me think when people I know don't let go of resentment... I see it as so sad, it holds back good people from becoming what they were meant to become. 

When I was 15 years old and I wanted to be free from Ruth (my abusive ex step mother)... all I did was pray that I would be free of living with her, free of her control... I wished her no harm, I never questioned why she didn't seem to pay... My prayer was answered, I was free not to live with her... it was not for me to wonder why or when she would pay.  I think no ill thoughts of her or anyone that was less then kind to me. 

I never want resentment to stunt my growth and hold me back... just as I felt when I was 15 is how I feel today... Let things go, don't be revengeful... it will never bring peace or freedom.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Take A Small Step In The Right Direction

The quote above reminded me that I was at a very low point over the holidays in 2012, where I could not see how I would or could be happy again.  I had so many memories and emotions that I had to deal with, I wasn't sure I wouldn't break down completely after the holidays.  I was seeing some light at the end of the tunnel but I couldn't see the full picture.

I don't know the single moment in time that it changed but I know that it came with taking a small step... am I saying it has been suddenly easy to deal with the David thing?  No, it isn't simple but I took a step in the right direction... I made the choice to turn it around.  No one else could have got me there, only me.... I had to trust myself enough to take the step.

Last year was highly emotional for me as everyone who either reads my blog or knows me is aware of this.  I just wanted to feel peace again, I wanted to stop spinning out of control.  I realized that I was looking at it all the wrong way, I was looking for peace to take over my life when I needed to give peace to find it... exactly like love.  This is the way it is with anything good, if you want kindness, you give kindness... there are no limitations.

Here is something I have learned this past year, sometimes we have to lose what is most important to us so that we will become who we are meant to be.  This is NOT an easy lesson, it is incredibly difficult, I cannot even begin to explain the depths of emotions that I have had to go through to get to where I am today.

I know I have gone through a great deal but nothing harder than what other people have gone through, just different challenges and trials. We all have highs and lows, learning to deal with the lows without letting them break us apart is the key to our success.  I am ever learning daily what it takes, I won't ever give up trying.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Searching In The Right Places

I read this quote today, ' Wherever we search, we are searched for. ~ David Wilcox' which made me think that I really need to start searching in better places.  If I search for people, places and events in places that I have looked in my past, I will keep having the same results.  If I instead search people/places/events where I deserve, where I expect more because I should have only the best, I will have my hearts desire.

For some odd reason, it has been difficult for me to believe that I deserve the best... I am sure many people think this way too.  I did not pass that trait on to my oldest daughter, she expected the best and she received the it, I am happy for her.  I do of course want my daughters to want better and I instill that in them all the time.  I hope Valentina follows in her sisters footsteps as well... I just hope she is a little less disappointed in me than Andrea.  I do love both of my daughters completely. 

The truth is that if I want my children to want better, I need to want better for myself.  I give a lot of credit to my oldest daughter Andrea, she really had a plan for her life and she is achieving it, which makes me really happy.  Valentina may not have that trait, she may need me to model what I hope for her... of course I will happy with whatever choices she makes, I will wish and pray for the best for her as I always do for my oldest daughter as well.

So I am going to search for what I need in beautiful places, calm places and joyful places.... I already have some ideas of where these places are, all of them are good and uplifting places.  One of them will be postponed until I am healed from my operation, I think once I can start walking then running, the place I do will be a beautiful and calm place for me to be with my own thoughts and no media taking over my life.

I think in this world today where everyone is connected almost every moment of every day, I think we need to find places where we can just disconnect and be so that we will be able to be clear minded and to search the right places...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Being Passionate About What I Love

Through your passion, you will find inner peace out of adversity. ~ Azziza Salem

I read this quote last week and I was touched by it, since I've been working on having inner peace even while going through adversity. I believe there has to be a way to find this peace even when life is tough.  The quote reminded me how I need to live with and by my passion.

I pondered for years what my passion could be, I believe it is my writing.  It's the place I can be myself, much like I am with my David. We all need something or someone that we have passion for and about. I enjoy the process of blogging, writing from my heart, reading other people's blogs and being inspired.

For some reason that I can't explain, not even to myself; I've been weepy.  It's not that I'm unhappy, life is pretty good. I'm feeling more relaxed at work, my house is 95% clean and organized, my David and I are good friends again (I miss him so much when he's out on exercises with the army but it's only a week or more and he'll be home).

There must be something sad underlying. I would hope I had a reason to be weepy.   It's really odd, it comes in waves, I'll just be talking to a client and then suddenly my eyes will tear up?  It doesn't seem to last for more than a minute or two but I can feel this deep emptiness and than it's gone before I can analyze the emotion.

One thing about this cleaning and purging, I feel lighter.  I can walk around my house comfortably, I no longer fear what I might walk on or bump into.  It's so calming, it makes me desire to keep it up, plus Valentina is commenting often on how nice the place is and how wonderful a sleep she has had (hopefully this will inspire her to keep her room clean herself). This has really helped me a great deal.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield