Goodbye To You‏

This letter is a very long time in the making... I didn't even realize I was going to write it until I opened this up to write. I had actually written the better part of a blog post but took a break, when I came back this was inspired instead.

Last week I found out through a mutual friend that 'he' was going in for major surgery. Our friend was shocked that I didn't know; how would I know? I don't talk to 'him'. I immediately prayed for him and asked others to do the same.

I then found out he was okay a couple of days later... I was so thankful, I wish I had the words to express how much but honestly I don't have them. I have had a few days to think about it and then I messaged our friend and I told him I no longer want to hear how 'he' is.... I would prefer not to know, he understood and agreed.

Over the last couple of days I have gone through a wide range of emotions... from being elated that he seems to be on the mend to being saddened that for how close we were for the last few years, I had to hear this through a friend.

Although I have moved on and made my peace with the whole mess that it turned into. It hurt that words were taken out of context and misunderstood and instead of talking about it one on one, I just received written words that never gave me the opportunity to respond.

He was my best friend and I will miss that friendship, I know I will love again but will I ever find a best friend again? That is what made losing him out of my life so emotionally hard... how very close we were and how we told each other everything and anything.

In this past week that I came to terms with the fact that 'he' and I will not be friends again. I needed to say goodbye, I wanted to send it to 'him' but I figured he wouldn't read it anyway. So I wrote it here to make it real, if I write it where others can see, it becomes more real to me.

I hope that he's happy, I most certainly wish this for 'him'... wherever he goes in his life...

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I Understand Why

This week seemed to be a turning point for me ... I started off great with the IF program I wrote about last week, I had a few small bumps when I had to deal with some upsetting news. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I was left trying to get air in... the air of course came and so did the tears. Within a day I had said a heartfelt prayer and others joined in with me. By mid week the crises was over.

I decided that nothing mattered, not the past, not things... only people matter. I realized while dealing with this that all I wanted was for everything to be okay ... even if it meant that I might never regain things I had lost. Although that thought is sad, anytime you lose someone important, it's not easy to deal with... But... if it means they are happy, isn't that all that matters? I decided that was all that mattered to me.

I've been sleeping a bit better, actually dreaming even. Although some dreams are sad, it feels good to dream again. Some of them are good, some quite hopeful.. after this week of turmoil, I understood why some things worked out the way they did, if they had not, other things would not have been able happen ... and they needed to happen.

I couldn't see the big picture for a long time, when I did catch a glimpse of it this week... I was in awe of what was possible. I knew precisely at that moment that I had to go through the nine months of deep sadness that I went through so that I could be ready for what awaits me in the future.

It has changed my outlook on so many things, I'm not sure I can even put words to what I came to understand. This has been a refining and a defining week for me, I could have totally fallen apart but I didn't... and because I didn't I gained some insight I really needed to learn.  I understand a little better why....

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