I Understand Why

This week seemed to be a turning point for me ... I started off great with the IF program I wrote about last week, I had a few small bumps when I had to deal with some upsetting news. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I was left trying to get air in... the air of course came and so did the tears. Within a day I had said a heartfelt prayer and others joined in with me. By mid week the crises was over.

I decided that nothing mattered, not the past, not things... only people matter. I realized while dealing with this that all I wanted was for everything to be okay ... even if it meant that I might never regain things I had lost. Although that thought is sad, anytime you lose someone important, it's not easy to deal with... But... if it means they are happy, isn't that all that matters? I decided that was all that mattered to me.

I've been sleeping a bit better, actually dreaming even. Although some dreams are sad, it feels good to dream again. Some of them are good, some quite hopeful.. after this week of turmoil, I understood why some things worked out the way they did, if they had not, other things would not have been able happen ... and they needed to happen.

I couldn't see the big picture for a long time, when I did catch a glimpse of it this week... I was in awe of what was possible. I knew precisely at that moment that I had to go through the nine months of deep sadness that I went through so that I could be ready for what awaits me in the future.

It has changed my outlook on so many things, I'm not sure I can even put words to what I came to understand. This has been a refining and a defining week for me, I could have totally fallen apart but I didn't... and because I didn't I gained some insight I really needed to learn.  I understand a little better why....

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Finding The Purpose Of Me

Before I went in to the hospital in January, I watched an Oprah Life Class (yes, I am huge fan) where she had Rick Warren on who wrote the book The Purpose Drive Life. I finally had a chance to pick up the book and I started to read  it last night.  It has a 40 day challenge where I will be reading one chapter per day for 40 days.  They are not particularly long chapters but there is a lot of thought that goes into each chapter. What I have planned to do is start this on Sunday, I will read the chapter, post the question and then give my answer to the question in my blog post. 

It won't be the only thing I blog about but I think this journey of 40 days that I am taking should be documented in someway.  I am sure I will have epiphanies as I go through each chapter and questioning some of my thought patterns. I want to find my purpose, get my life somewhat on track... I know I am not here to amass things, although nice... things do not fill me up.  If I can find my purpose, maybe I can find joy on a more constant basis. 

I have often heard the phrase that we are not given more than we can handle, which believe me... I question this when I am going through a particularly rough time. I don't handle all challenges well, I have been known to yell when I am tired of handling something difficult.  I feel guilty later when I know that other people are dealing with so much more on their plates than I am.  I am reminded daily though that I have been given challenges that I can and will overcome... I was not meant to fail, I was meant to succeed.  We were all meant to succeed, I think that is what we are afraid of more than anything else, succeeding.

When you succeed, people expect more... when I say people, I really mean me.  If I don't succeed, than not very much is expected from me... Except I know better, I expect better.... and mostly I deserve better. I am really looking forward to this journey for me, I read the first chapter but I am going to reread it on Sunday and start it more seriously then.  I think giving 40 days to really ponder, challenge and question myself to figure out my purpose is not a lot to ask of me. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I've Always Known And I Always Will

I have started to write a post for two days now, nothing is coming out even though I am completely overwhelmed with feelings.  I feel helpless and lacking, right at this moment, all I want to do is go to Edmonton and then Wainwright and look after David.  Realistically I know that cannot happen, I have too many commitments with work and no money to go out there. 

My 'D' has messaged me, he even made me laugh as usual, he knows how to make me smile... he is still having a few small health issues from the operation but he should be out of the hospital tomorrow.  He will really need to rest a lot and I am stuck here, working when this man that I care so much about is far away.  No matter where our lives go, he is always going to be be My One And Only.  He gets me, he knows what to say to calm me down.  There are not many people that can do that for me... I am one of those people that freak out first and then get it together and do what I need to, to make it work out. 

I have never freaked out with David, he knows what to say to me so that I figure out how to keep it together without freaking out... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.  I grew up with so much uncertainty in my life, so much of not feeling wanted or loved.  I had to get past that, I had to learn to love myself.  It has not always been easy but I won't ever give up trying to better myself; it's just so much easier when you have someone that totally believes in you and wants the best for you.  That's what my "D" does for me... he makes me feel that I should always remember that I am special and deserve love.

I want him to be so happy, that would make me happy... I love him with my heart and soul.  I feel like I have known him all my life and although I have known him for 34 years, I have really only known him for the past 4 years.  I am sure many people who have met their soul mates know what I am talking about... there are just people who you fit with and know that they were and are meant to be in your life always.

I had an epiphany the other night that I want to write about that soon, first I just need to make sure my David is on the mend; than I can clear my mind and talk about my amazing experience.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

The Long Hard Road And Me

This past 10 days or so have been one epiphany after another, sometimes good, sometimes difficult, mostly eye opening.  I have such a bad track record with men, they have either been men who have be mean or abusive or men that are emotionally incapable of taking the next step forward.

I guess that says a lot about me, I keep choosing these men. Do I like a challenge?  Or more likely I lack self esteem:(.   I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix that default in me; however, I suppose I wouldn't learn the lesson I so desperately need to learn to get to the next level. 

It seems as humans that we always want the easy way out.  Life throws us one curve after another and instead of learning the lesson we become angry, sad and despondent. 

This makes the lesson so much harder to learn and if truth be known, if we don't learn it there, we will have to learn it down the road eventually. This is hard for me since I seem to think I know what's best for me.

I rarely know what's best for me and usually what I fight against ends up being the best thing for me.  I just always have to take the long hard road and I sincerely want to take the easier path.  It's about time that I learn to trust that God/Universe knows what I need.

I need to start somewhere, I need to trust, even if just a little.  I might be pleasantly surprised.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Can Stop Blaming Myself Now

I have had a massive epiphany tonight, I got the answer to a question.  I so desperately want to talk to my David to tell him.  He thought we had discussed it and I couldn't remember but tonight I remember that we did talk about it but it was at a time I was quite upset.

I heard what he said but I didn't take it in, tonight I replayed that conversation and the answer was right there.  I always thought it was because of me that it didn't work out.  I thought it was my scars or that I was overweight, it had nothing to do with me, it was all to do with him.

I took on the blame for our relationship not working when I didn't do anything wrong.  By holding onto the blame, I was unable to replay the conversation that held the key, until tonight.

I'm happy to remember it finally, it helps me to think better thoughts of myself, where I have been so mean to myself lately.  I've been least loving to myself, that's going to change.

I don't know how I can be so happy and so sad at the same time.  I'm happy to finally have that answer but I'm sad because I have this great desire to share this with my best friend and I can't right now.

Hopefully soon, I really pray.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield