Far Too Long

It has been so many months since I have sat down to write, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, as I have written many posts in my head. Sometimes no words would come which frankly I had never dealt with since I started writing... All I had to do was sit down at the computer, start writing and the words would spill out faster than I could type. I didn't understand how words failed me when it has always been what I could fall back on to when my life took twists and turns... I always felt like writing helped me to make sense of the tests and trials I have had to deal with... we all have had to deal with. 

I thought back to the past and what each trial or test had taught me over the years ... I have always ended up seeing the wisdom of why I had to go through things I often wondered if I would survive... Many of those trials taught me empathy, forgiveness, love and what true beauty was...

That was until I lost 'him' as I best friend, I had to put that one in a box and stop trying to figure out something I could not seem to find an answer for... then I ended up getting injured and it changed my life in a way I never believed I would ever see. I had worked so hard to get myself healthy and into shape. I was thankful and extremely grateful that I had found the path I was on and I was so happy to be there... now my health has been slowly declining. 

I force myself to go out when I don't feel like it, I walk short distances to keep myself mobile... every step is painful, sometimes unbearable. If it's not my legs, it's my back... I just cannot understand what this trial has to teach me, what am I supposed to learn from this? I keep thinking is this it? Is this how I am going to feel for the rest of my life?  I know there are many people that have to deal with chronic pain in their lives, I had no idea how they coped, nor did I want to know... I felt blessed that I was in minimal pain and that I could exercise often.

I don't want pity from anyone for where I am today as I am sure most people who deal with chronic pain don't want that either. I just want to deal with the pain better than I have been handling it... I want to hold onto hope that things can change, maybe even learn why this trial was given to me... however; at this time I am not close to learning and hope seems too far away for me to believe it will change. I am not trying to be negative about what I am going through, I am trying to find the good things that I have in my life. Truthfully, if I were to sit down and write all the blessings I have in my life, they would be endless... yet I would get to this trial and be stumped... unlike being able to put losing 'him' in a box... I can't put my physical health in a box, I have to deal with it daily. 

Anyhow, I wanted to thank many of you who reached out to me over the months making sure I was okay. I honestly can't thank you all enough. I kept up with my other social media because it was easy to like a picture or share a post... at least I could keep up you all and know how you were making out. I have truly missed writing... and I have missed the blogging world... we have a pretty close community. I have come to know so many of you through other methods of social media, I am pretty grateful for the technology that gives us the ability to be and stay in contact with one another. 

I'm going to write at least once a week, more if I feel the need and I am going to take this next week to catch up with all of your blogs. I am looking forward to getting back into the blogging world again. It will take me a little time to get back into the swing of it, I know once I am back on track... it will be like old times... I have been gone for far too long...

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Someday I Will Know Why

Catching up has been a daunting task to say the least, I am hoping I didn't miss anyone... I follow a lot of blogs, I knew I did but it was still eye-opening.  It's been a busy week but really a good week, I sincerely missed being involved in the blogging world, it's like our own little family. Plus we are all open to meeting more people who are interested in being involved.  

This week I will be spending time getting my office completely organized, I purchased a huge cabinet so that I can get rid of all my smaller ones... It's quite the endeavor but it is going to be a great way of purging. I believe the more ready I am the easier the change will be, I really look forward to having time with Valentina and time for me to exercise. She even told me she wants it so that we can chat in the morning and have breakfast together...

I want to thank everyone for being so kind with your comments, part of my not wanting to write was because of the depression I am dealing with and not knowing how to be as  positive as I like to be when writing. I know we all have difficulties in life and it's not easy to have to read that someone is struggling, I am though... I am finding it a challenge to just get up, go to work and make it back home. Truthfully if it were not for my new friend, I often wonder if I would leave the house otherwise... Thankfully she is there to offer some outings that are good for me.

She has been the one who has come up with inexpensive ideas to make my home feel like a home because for eight years I kept thinking I was always going to move and I never truthfully settled here. Once I decided this is where I will be staying for years to come, she put up nice drapes, rearranged my kitchen to make it more open and comfortable... and found furniture for my office so that I will be set up for success to work from home... I feel like I am ready and I am grateful she has got me to that point.

I wanted to write with honesty here because although I am struggling ... I understand that many of us are dealing with overwhelming trials. Life isn't easy, nor do I expect that it should be. For with painful tests, they bring us experiences we might not aquire... It can take wisdom and years for us to see the benefits of any trial we may deal with... holding on until we can see the blessings from challenges is really all that we can do. I also am very aware that trying to have a good attidude will go a long way for me to handle the conflict given to me... 

Is it easy to always rise above controversy in our lives... no... but deep down I know it's worth it. I believe one day I will know and understand why I had to deal with something I felt I couldn't and maybe even be grateful... maybe. This is the reason that I keep putting one foot in front of the other... The knowledge and hope for the future...

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Gratitude For What I Have And What I Lost

Sometimes it seems like I never have enough time in the day, between working, walking and having a little down time... I have a desire to write but it always gets put on the back burner for other things. When I first started really writing in early 2012, I wrote nearly everyday and I did this for almost 2 years of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I did that but it was something I needed to do to heal my heart, that is what writing does for me.

I rarely go back and read those posts I wrote a few years ago because they were raw and bring back memories of a time I believed in dreams that never came to pass... I read a couple of them this week and although they were very sad at times I also saw that I have grown more than I ever thought I was capable of... There were days back then where I wondered how I would or could make it through. Days I was sure that my life would never get to a point where I could ever believe in anything again. 

I had a couple of defining moments, one was when I finally decided I was tired of the excuses as to why I could not lose weight ... for the first time in my life I shelved every single one of them and put my whole heart and soul into me... I believed in myself, I saw my successes and each day I begin to know more and more that I could and would succeed. The second was losing 'him', I cannot even convey the pain I dealt with... words could not describe it... although I still miss 'him' I gained closure that I was unsure I would ever find.

I even think one day I will know why I had to go through that loss, there has to be a bigger reason, I will get the a ha moment out of the blue and smile to myself and think... that was why. Until then I rarely let myself think about 'him' or the past ... he pops in and out of my mind but I don't let 'him' reside there for too long. Usually I get up and go out for a long walk... it clears my mind and I gain focus again. One thing I learned is that although you can have a best friend as we were, you can only rely on yourself, people change. 

This is a difficult weekend for me as it is the anniversary of the fire where I was burned so badly at 15 months old and where my sister died... that catastrophic event changed my families life and challenged us all. Even though we lost so much that day, I still work on finding gratitude for what I have and what I lost... I survived and I thrived... 

Yesterday I went for a long walk, part of me was trying to convince myself that first I could skip a day and then second I only needed to do a couple of miles but I didn't listen to that part, I walked for almost 6 miles and I felt gratitude that I didn't give up, I pushed myself even though part of me didn't believe I could... It was an accomplishment that showed me, each day I wake up and make a choice to be better than I was the day before, I fought against all the odds and became a strong person who refuses to give up.

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Feeling Pain To Get To The Other Side

I have had quite the month in July, for the past 28 days, I have been able to exercise every single day. That's probably not always a good thing as I do need to rest my body from time to time. I ended up walking an average of 14,000 steps, about 7 miles and over 85 minutes of active exercise daily. Yet with all of this, I have just maintained my weight since I stopped being accountable for my food... because the truth is that I cannot out exercise poor choices in food, be it the type of food or quantity.

Why have I been over eating? Self sabotage? Sadness? Anger? ... a little of everything, I am disappointed with the way some things have turned out in my life. When I sit back and ponder about how far I have come, I ask myself if I have gratitude for that?... the truth is I do... I am very thankful for all the trials I have overcome and all the changes I have made in my life to become who I am today. 

I was angry this week because I felt as though I didn't have the right to be disappointed or sad... I do though. When did it become bad to feel these things? I know I shouldn't live there all the time... but I think that is what is wrong, the minute I feel sad/disappointed, people start counting off my many blessings... or telling me all their trials that they went through and survived or implying I am selfish and not grateful for what I do have in my life.

 

You know what this does, at least for me...it makes me want to cover it up... just like I did in the past when I felt a deep heartache... instead of dealing with it, I did everything I could not to feel... I should have felt it and moved through it, instead of always trying to go around it. Every time I went around it, it would always came back for me to deal with later. Usually it was even harder as I had more pain to add to it. 

I am grateful that I am not judgmental of others and their choices, I have come to know that forgiveness is more about setting myself free and that loving myself is a good thing... it helps me to love others even more. I have learned to set boundaries for myself and I gave myself permission to say no if I feel like others are stepping over those lines. Mostly I know that I have the right to feel disappointed with where I am in certain parts of my life, it doesn't mean that I don't have gratitude for the wonderful parts, it means I am working through the pain.

Someone asked me if I thought I deserved to be happy? My answer is yes and although I am not in that place at the moment, I know it exists... I have felt it... it is incredible... it is worth working towards today and in the future... I know heartache will happen, unfortunately it's what seems to help me grow ... some things are more difficult than others to deal with but because I have felt true joy, I know pain won't last, however; feeling sad is okay... feeling pain is how we get to the other side.

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Trust Can Be A Scary Two Way Street

I have been wanting to write all weekend, there seemed to be one thing or another that got in the way of that, so I finally had time to sit down and write and then the computer was acting up... I thought I might have to blog from my phone and that did not excite me... I would much rather type on a keyboard. Anyhow, I finally got my computer working.

So, I had this pretty wonderful week that I was flying high, I have been talking to the new guy a great deal... then on Saturday he surprised me with a text that he was going to be in Halifax for a few hours and he wanted to spend that time with me. We talk non stop on the phone... okay, if I am being honest, I talk non stop ... lol... he said he loves listening to me talk, he is a keeper. I do ask plenty of questions which he openly answers, however; getting to see him face to face is even better. 

We just went for a drive and talked even more than usual, you can't beat seeing each other while you are talking and being able to hold hands. He tells me all the time he is the luckiest guy to have found me... I think that is sweet but I also think we are equally lucky, I didn't and don't want to be on some sort of pedestal... I am NOT perfect I have made many mistakes, he said he doesn't care and that although he thinks I am pretty wonderful, he won't put me on a pedestal, there is no where to go but down from there.

I have decided that I will put my heart out there and give him a chance, can I tell you all how scary that is... well, it is about the scariest thing I have done in years. This coming from a girl who wants that commitment ... I know how far down I am capable of falling after trusting someone with my heart in the past and frankly that scares me more than anything I have had to deal with... He's afraid too... he has been hurt, I told him I thought we were worth the try, he said yes... and that he knew I was more than worth trying for..

Even though it is has been a little challenging with his work and having to be out of town... he is very transparent with me and I actually think the distance has been a good thing. It has forced us to talk a lot and really get to know each other and the few times we have been able to get together we are both so excited that we laugh and talk endlessly wanting to find out as much as we can about the other. Thankfully, he has downtime in the Winter where we can really have one on one time to spend together, by then we will both know what we truly want from the other...

Here is my dilemma because of the way men have treated me in the past I find it extremely difficult to trust them ... I have told him that and he said he understands, he knows how men can be and he can understand where I am coming from. I told him I am tired of games and I won't play any of them... he told me he's not out to play with me, he is out to win my heart... I am going to trust him unless he gives me an excuse not to... he's doing the same with me... Trust can be a scary two way street... so far so good.

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Life Doesn't Get Easier, You Just Get Stronger

I lost focus this week because of disappointments, you would think I would know better by now but I am human, no matter how much I want to always rise above my challenges and disappointments just like that, it isn't that easy... some days I need to take the time and deal with the feelings and emotions of having life not work out the way I had hoped. What did I learn from it? I learned life doesn't get easier, I just get stronger.

 

It's okay that I take a step back but I have to decide if I am going to be stronger than the lesson or if I am going to give into it... I don't want to give into it, I have done that in the past. It didn't bring me happiness, I only thought it did at the time... This whole week I thought, life isn't fair... other people attain their dreams why not me? I know that sounds selfish and I don't like to sound that way, nor do I want to feel that way... Disappointment has a way of allowing me to feel that way, even though I know that absolutely no one has it easy. 

Just because I look at someones life and I think they have it all together, past experience has taught me that is crap, that's a lie... no one has it easy, no one has all that they desire or wish for... if they did, they would have nothing left to work towards. How boring would that be? The truth is that even though disappoints hurt more than I can ever convey, they also teach us something about ourselves. 

The real question is if I want to learn from it?... it means really looking deep inside myself and changing a part of myself bit by bit... It cannot all be changed overnight, that would be too much to deal with all at once. I have the choice of walking away and giving up but frankly that has never helped me grow, giving up always made things worse because the lesson comes back, bigger and stronger... I either take the time to learn from it now... or I learn from it the harder way later on.

This week taught me that I can either have excuses or I can make changes, I cannot have both, that is sitting on the fence and that isn't possible. There is no standing still, we are either moving forward or we are going backwards... and I don't want to go backwards anymore... I have learned the trip back is only more difficult than if I kept going forward to begin with.

Yes I have had huge disappointments and challenges many people would never want... but so has everyone else... and when I think about some of the other challenges other people have to deal with, I am grateful that I don't have them... Regardless of how many disappointments I have to deal with in the future, at least I know my worth and not everyone can say that... So, even though life doesn't get easier, I am thankful I am getting stronger.

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All The Scars That Made Me Stronger

This last week was a week that gave me time to reflect, due to two massive snowstorms that essentially shut our city down. We had so much snow that it was actually a little scary... I thought about people who might need medical care or if a fire were to happen.

Thankfully I didn't lose power, so I just waited it out. I do live very close to a store that is open 24/7, so I ventured out there once the storm stopped. What normally takes me 3-4 minutes to get there, took me about 10-12 minutes of hard exercise. I used muscles I didn't even know I had.

We are all hoping this is the last of it, it's been a long hard Winter here that has made me think about some alternatives. Which I'll get into later after I look into my options more in depth. The Maritimes can be a tough place for the Winters, yet I am aware that all places have there weather issues.

It's much like the trials we have been given throughout our lives... we often think life would be easier without the challenges we have ... but truthfully aren't they what makes us who we are? Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by them and I just want to hide but there's a part of me that won't allow that.

I'm sure many of you know that I was burned in a fire when I was 15 months old, I wrote about it in the post The Fire - 48 Years Ago. Over the years I have often wondered where I would be in this life if I had not had to deal with the trial of the fire. I learned early on that we are not truly loved for what we look like on the outside, that comes from who we really are on the inside.

I have thought over the years that my being scarred has prevented me from finding love. I have even had a few men tell me that it bothered them, which hurt but I came to the conclusion that if they could not see past the outer me, they were missing out on the real me.

I am the girl who would love someone with her whole heart and I would be tenacious enough to never give up because of superficial things. I feel sorry for the men I have met in my life who couldn't look past the scars I have...We all have them, some of ours are more visible than others.

Even though my life was incredibly difficult with having to live with the scars, I don't think I would change it if I could because I might not have learned that we are not truly loved for who we are on the outside, it is what is inside that counts.

I believe those scars made me stronger, kinder and more compassionate than I would have been without them. They helped me to be more real, more myself and more understanding... I wouldn't trade them for anything. 

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Christmas This Year

Our Christmas tree, 2014

I have had another busy week at work, thankfully I had a little time to decorate the tree with Valentina... I completed my shopping, now baking and wrapping. I am thinking of begging someone else to do the wrapping as I don't have a fondness for it, I am usually wrapping on Christmas eve. I might actually have it all done by this weekend, that would be great, then I can just relax and enjoy my time off.

I read a couple of blogs that were writing about their goals for 2015, which has inspired me to think about the goals I want to set for myself. I don't care much for New Year's resolutions as I think the day we decided to change a behavior or do something good for ourselves is the right day for us. I also know from past experience that there are going to be many bumps on the road to my goals but it is the road I want to travel, so I will deal with the bumps as they show up.

I wanted to also take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas or any holiday you may observe... I wish you all much joy and happiness. I have been deeply touched by many of you over the last year as I dealt with my world being turned upside down, you reached out and gave me a little hope that one day it wouldn't be so difficult.

I won't be writing again until after Christmas, I want to spend as much time as I can with Valentina making memories, I am excited to see the look on her face when she opens her gifts. I never spend a lot of money but she is one of the most grateful little girls and this year I was able to get a few items she had been hoping for. . .  so I know she will be a little more excited this year.

My tree turned out beautiful after a small mishap... the first time we decorated, it fell over... it's back up though and all redecorated, I will share more of them on my media when Valentina is unwrapping her gifts. I will be back after Christmas but I will be checking in with you all when I can before that...

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A Two Week Break For Me

My new haircut after having 6-8 inches cut off

I am going to take a blog and social media break for the next two weeks, that is not going to be easy for me but it is needed. I love reading blogs, commenting on them and using social media to promote them when I am inspired to do so. However; for me, I am an all or nothing kind of girl and I spend more time reading blogs then I do studying. Well, it is a lot more fun but it won't get me a passing mark.

I am going to miss all of you, I am even deleting all my apps off my phone in the morning so that I will not be tempted to log into them. I promise you all if you do leave a comment here; when my exam is over, I will drop by to visit and comment on your blogs. Otherwise, I will just start fresh with my blogs when I come back as there will be no catching up after two weeks.

Did I tell you I am going to miss you all, with the past few weeks you all know how emotionally difficult this time has been for me with all the memories of 'Him', I have been so grateful for so many of you who have reached out to me through all the different media sites I am on, not to mention all the beautiful comments. A couple of examples, there are many... I had a sweet reader from England who asked if she could mail me something and she sent me the sweetest card that made me cry and lifted me up at the same time. Another reader from Australia who tweets me daily to check on me, I love all our conversations, we are like best friends even with the distance. There are so many more of you that are always there for me and I can never, ever thank you enough.

I will most certainly be back after my exam is written but for now, I really have to focus and that means I have to make hard choices for myself... otherwise in two weeks I may not be prepared and then I would be disappointed in myself.... I don't like disappointing anyone ... not even myself... So... I am off to prepare to study for the next few weeks... have an awesome two weeks and thank you all again for the wonderful support you continually give me. Two weeks is going to feel like an eternity...

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I Choose To Rise‏

(Just a quick update, I finished my mid-term. I feel good with where I am at in the course and two, I have been doing really well with my food choices, it feels good that I am not giving into random food choices.)

I've been a little reflective lately, I kept wanting to get to a point of understanding and something came to me today. I know we have certain challenges given to us for a reason, we can choose to rise or fall to them.

I felt like if I could understand how this has made me a better person, has it taught me anything? I wanted to make sense of it... Today it did, I think I had to lose contact with 'him' so that I could understand the importance of keeping in contact with people even when things get tough. So many people across the world reached out to me and kept reaching out to me.

I felt like I wanted to put more effort in to get to know people better. Many of you are on other media sites with me (FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, FaceBook Fan Page, Bloglovin), where we interact through them, pretty regularly. I've made some real friends here, people that I would love to meet some day if I could... I should say will.

I think that if I hadn't dealt with such a great loss... I might not have come to know so many of you and so closely, all of your comments or messages always uplift me and make me smile... I lost a lot but I gained a great deal in return...

I understand that I had to be grateful for that loss or I might never understand why... I have some amazing memories of 'him'; I was very happy ... I had been wondering if the high was worth the low? The answer today is yes because I gained so much more. Today I choose to rise and show gratitude for difficult challenges.

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Goodbye To You‏

This letter is a very long time in the making... I didn't even realize I was going to write it until I opened this up to write. I had actually written the better part of a blog post but took a break, when I came back this was inspired instead.

Last week I found out through a mutual friend that 'he' was going in for major surgery. Our friend was shocked that I didn't know; how would I know? I don't talk to 'him'. I immediately prayed for him and asked others to do the same.

I then found out he was okay a couple of days later... I was so thankful, I wish I had the words to express how much but honestly I don't have them. I have had a few days to think about it and then I messaged our friend and I told him I no longer want to hear how 'he' is.... I would prefer not to know, he understood and agreed.

Over the last couple of days I have gone through a wide range of emotions... from being elated that he seems to be on the mend to being saddened that for how close we were for the last few years, I had to hear this through a friend.

Although I have moved on and made my peace with the whole mess that it turned into. It hurt that words were taken out of context and misunderstood and instead of talking about it one on one, I just received written words that never gave me the opportunity to respond.

He was my best friend and I will miss that friendship, I know I will love again but will I ever find a best friend again? That is what made losing him out of my life so emotionally hard... how very close we were and how we told each other everything and anything.

In this past week that I came to terms with the fact that 'he' and I will not be friends again. I needed to say goodbye, I wanted to send it to 'him' but I figured he wouldn't read it anyway. So I wrote it here to make it real, if I write it where others can see, it becomes more real to me.

I hope that he's happy, I most certainly wish this for 'him'... wherever he goes in his life...

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2013 And Beyond

Christmas day 2013 is over, Valentina and I had a lovely and quiet holiday this year, she was up early and excited about all her gifts.  She is one of those children that is very happy with whatever she gets, she is a very grateful little girl.  Most of her gifts entailed jewelry this year, all kinds of kits to make her own too and of course she is into make up these days as well.  We had a nice dinner and I didn't bother counting calories, I didn't go over board but I allowed myself to indulge a little... Christmas is about having fun and relaxing, the New Year is just around the corner, I am looking forward to all that it will bring.

So, update on the date... he doesn't live in the city, we had freezing rain in both places last Saturday so it was postponed until this weekend... So far the weather looks like it will be good in both places, we are tentatively speaking about meeting on Friday night.  Hopefully the weather will co operate and we will be able to meet to see if we are as attracted to one another as we seem to be.... Either way I am sure it will be a fun night out of getting to meet someone new.

One week from today the new year will have been rung in, I think this is one of those years I am looking forward to saying good bye to, other than losing the weight ... it has not been a good year.  There were just too many incidents that out weighed the good... maybe it wasn't that there were too many incidents, more like there were bigger issues to have to deal with than I thought I could handle.  I have to say one thing here, I don't like the saying that 'we are never given more than we can handle', I am paraphrasing that.  This year I feel like I was given way more than I could handle and I haven't dealt with the challenges as well as I had hoped.

Losing the weight and becoming healthy was one of the best things I have ever done for myself... I wish I hadn't taken so long to put exercising and eating correctly together, however; even though it took me some time... I am glad I finally got to that crossroads and took on the challenge to become the best me.  I am excited for 2014 and continuing on my healthy plan to take off the last 20 pounds or so that I want to lose. I am aware that it will take making a goal, having dedication and exercising.... the great thing is that I actually love exercising and I see this as a way of life in the future.  I remember wondering if I would ever love exercising but I found my niche (walking) and when I did, it helped me to stay with my goals.

I know that loss in the sad form is something we all have to deal with in our lives ... this year it seemed like there was one loss after the other, each one became more difficult to handle.  One came along and it almost took me down, I don't sleep well to begin with but I rarely slept for months following this loss.  I still don't sleep through a full night, I am actually lucky if I can rest for more than 2-3 hours at a time... this doesn't help me to deal with the challenges I have to handle... sleep would go a long way to helping me... I have been learning to deal with the lack of rest, I wish I could find a way to handle the other challenges I have been given.

I guess that 2013 was a year of change and a year of growth, although these types of years can be overwhelming and challenging... in the long run they can turn out to be the greatest years. It is not easy seeing that, especially since I am still in the middle of all of the changes... I am hoping in 2014 that I will be able to look back and know that everything worked out for the best and I might even be able to be thankful for each challenge I was given...

Trials Equal Blessings

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I logically know that I cannot control anything,  yet I am continually trying to control something in my life.  Today I was at work and waiting in between calls, just thinking how far I have come since June 15, 2013, when I started my journey to get healthy and lose weight.  I got on the scale at work this morning and was pleasantly surprised that I was down 65 pounds since then, I have less than 25 pounds left that I want to lose.  This goal is so within my reach, I have taken to walking a little in the morning and at lunch.  I have been working late most of this week so I haven't been able to walk in the evening and Valentina has been sick for about 10 days so we have not been out to the Canada Games Center.

I am giving her the weekend to feel better, she is starting to but I don't want her over doing it and becoming sick again.  So, I won't be back to the gym until Monday... until then I am going to find times to walk, even if they're only for 15 or 20 minute intervals. It is better that I exercise a little than none at all.  I like that I don't dread going out and having to walk now, I usually get out, start walking fast, do a few sprints and then walk fast again... I always feel rejuvenated once I have been out and really pushed myself.

Everyone is saying it's great that I have lost the weight, some people think a little too fast, I don't think so, I really have put a lot of effort into this, besides I have found that it is the one thing I can control right now, eating healthy and exercising as much as I can.  Everything else in my life is up in the air, I personally need to have that one place that I don't feel like I am spinning out of control...  I just want a few things to settle in my life, so that I won't feel like I am going around in circles all the time.  It can be difficult to deal with when it sometimes feels like I don't get a break before the next trial is tossed my way.

I sound like I am not grateful but I am, I am really blessed and very thankful.  When I am having one thing handed to me before I feel like I have the last issue resolved, I start reminding myself of all the great blessings I have in my life.  Sure there are some missing pieces, we all have those but I have so much to feel gratitude for... some days I have to work a little more than others reminding myself of them.  However; I never give up on believing that nothing remains the same, life is always changing and just because my situation doesn't look great right now, does not mean that it won't or can't shift.

I honestly believe that each challenge I have been given in the past few months are ones that will help me to grow beyond what I thought I was capable of... I have to say though, it has been awful, really awful.  Those huge challenges might come with great rewards but while I am going through them, they are overwhelmingly tough.  Right now I am reminded of that story about how we are being sanded and polished with each challenge, I am thinking enough is enough.. a few rough edges are okay with me. Personally, I don't mind a few places that are not polished perfectly, that can come later... however; maybe I don't know best.

I guess I have to give up trying to figure out how to control everything in my life and remember that just because I cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there because it has always been there.  I want to get through this and look back, breathe a sigh of relief and think wow, I made it through and it was worth it... maybe I can say that in the near future.

Back, Refreshed And Ready To Work On My Goals

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am back, back to social media, back to blogging.  I think I just needed a short break to clear my head and get my priorities straight.  When I originally took the break it was to take the time to look for an apartment, after discussing this with Cindy, I have decided to wait until after the new year.  She is right, I have had too many changes in the last few months and I am still working on getting healthy, plus Christmas is around the corner.  It's probably best not to be in the middle of packing when I am trying to have Christmas for Valentina.  So, that is on the back burner for now, I will revisit that in January or February, I will be more settled with other things in my life too.

I should actually be at or very near my goal weight by February and then I will just be maintaining it... I say that like it will be an easy thing, not... I don't have delusions about that, I am sure I will yo-yo up and down with five or ten pounds until I figure out how many calories I should be eating and how much I need to exercise. I am up for the challenge though, I know I never what to go back to where I was and I really enjoy all my new exercise.  I went out to Zumba class last night, I arrived early enough that I was able to walk the track for thirty some minutes, it felt amazing... I have not been walking as much as I used to as I had chosen Zumba and swimming.

Well, last night proved that I missed walking and it truly is my forte... I have decided that I will definitely be walking more.  I adore Zumba but because I don't know all the steps and some of them I am unable to do because of my knees, I don't feel that I get the best workout there.  I am still going to go but I am going to be walking the track for thirty minutes before I take my Zumba class, that way I will get a decent work out. Besides I want to do more 5K's in the future and eventually I would like to do a 10K.

I will start back to commenting on the blogs I follow tonight, however; I am not going to be able to comment on every single one of them, especially if they are daily blogs.  I will read them all, I have still been reading them while I took my break but I just figured out that I follow well over 200 blogs just on Bloglovin alone, it is near impossible for me to keep up with them all with comments. I do love to comment though and I will comment when I can, I just wanted you all to know that I have been reading them while I was off, I usually read them on my phone while I was on my long bus ride too and from work, so it made the time pass and I was entertained.

I also want to thank each of you for your comments and the readers who actually take the time to read my blog.  I truly appreciate it as I know it can be time consuming.  I have somethings I want to write but I will save that for another time... Suffice to say the time off brought a lot of changes and I came to an understanding about something that I was concerned about, I am not concerned about it any longer.  I don't have to be concerned, that is wasting my energy and I need all of my energy to work towards each of my goals.