Sometimes We Must Lose In Order To Gain

I took an unintended break from writing as I was on a short vacation, I am back to work tomorrow... the time off was great, it really helped to rejuvenate me... I stayed up, slept in, spent time with Valentina also caught up on my blog reading and commenting. This was the week that Andrea was supposed to come home for a visit but the price of tickets almost doubled so that is on the back burner for a while... Hopefully next year it will be more feasible... 

So, I finally decided after eating well for the last five weeks that I needed to get weighed again, I am pleased to say I am back on the path of being healthy and I am very happy about it... although I have gained weight, I also know I can take it off since I have done it before... it feels good to know that I am working in the right direction again... I did exercise three days last week, I'm looking forward to building on it more in the future.

A friend of mine found me the nicest corner desk for my office which she spent a few hours setting up for me... it's really starting to come together... now working from home still has to be approved through work (a very long story)... which may not happen but I am going to remain hopeful. Also staying organized is a full time job when you live with a teenager... I plan to keep encouraging her daily until she hopefully wants to keep it up herself... I know...  wishful thinking with a teen but I'm not giving up, it is important to me to keep the house in order.

Sometimes it feels like there are just one too many trials that come my way... I can't let it determine my mood no matter how challenged I feel I am... A few years ago I would have managed it in a poor way by trying to fill the loss with things that ultimately mean nothing and only damage and weigh me down more. I had to decide what is important and I have to keep choosing that daily if I am going to learn to fill the voids with good choices that will lift me up... 

Disappointment is a part of life and dealing with it in an unhealthy way won't make it easier... Besides as hard as it is to not get what you want, life is much too short to be frustrated all the time. The older I become the more I realize that life throws us curve after curve and how I handle it is what will define me. Eventually everything will work out the way it is meant to... I just have to have patience and have a good attitude.

I learned a great deal by decluttering this summer, I realized that I bought and held on to items that actually didn't bring me any joy... they weighed me down... I really felt lighter getting rid of them, I no longer want to go out and purchase an item just to fill an empty void... I want to be conscious of my feelings... I can tell you that it isn't easy in the short term but I can see it being better in the long run...  Unfortunately sometimes we must lose in order to gain...  

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I Choose To Rise‏

(Just a quick update, I finished my mid-term. I feel good with where I am at in the course and two, I have been doing really well with my food choices, it feels good that I am not giving into random food choices.)

I've been a little reflective lately, I kept wanting to get to a point of understanding and something came to me today. I know we have certain challenges given to us for a reason, we can choose to rise or fall to them.

I felt like if I could understand how this has made me a better person, has it taught me anything? I wanted to make sense of it... Today it did, I think I had to lose contact with 'him' so that I could understand the importance of keeping in contact with people even when things get tough. So many people across the world reached out to me and kept reaching out to me.

I felt like I wanted to put more effort in to get to know people better. Many of you are on other media sites with me (FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, FaceBook Fan Page, Bloglovin), where we interact through them, pretty regularly. I've made some real friends here, people that I would love to meet some day if I could... I should say will.

I think that if I hadn't dealt with such a great loss... I might not have come to know so many of you and so closely, all of your comments or messages always uplift me and make me smile... I lost a lot but I gained a great deal in return...

I understand that I had to be grateful for that loss or I might never understand why... I have some amazing memories of 'him'; I was very happy ... I had been wondering if the high was worth the low? The answer today is yes because I gained so much more. Today I choose to rise and show gratitude for difficult challenges.

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I Understand Why

This week seemed to be a turning point for me ... I started off great with the IF program I wrote about last week, I had a few small bumps when I had to deal with some upsetting news. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I was left trying to get air in... the air of course came and so did the tears. Within a day I had said a heartfelt prayer and others joined in with me. By mid week the crises was over.

I decided that nothing mattered, not the past, not things... only people matter. I realized while dealing with this that all I wanted was for everything to be okay ... even if it meant that I might never regain things I had lost. Although that thought is sad, anytime you lose someone important, it's not easy to deal with... But... if it means they are happy, isn't that all that matters? I decided that was all that mattered to me.

I've been sleeping a bit better, actually dreaming even. Although some dreams are sad, it feels good to dream again. Some of them are good, some quite hopeful.. after this week of turmoil, I understood why some things worked out the way they did, if they had not, other things would not have been able happen ... and they needed to happen.

I couldn't see the big picture for a long time, when I did catch a glimpse of it this week... I was in awe of what was possible. I knew precisely at that moment that I had to go through the nine months of deep sadness that I went through so that I could be ready for what awaits me in the future.

It has changed my outlook on so many things, I'm not sure I can even put words to what I came to understand. This has been a refining and a defining week for me, I could have totally fallen apart but I didn't... and because I didn't I gained some insight I really needed to learn.  I understand a little better why....

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Loss Versus Gain

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

When I feel the need to write, I rarely come up with the title of the post first but today as I was logging in to start reading the blogs I follow... I suddenly thought I need to write about loss versus gains.  As of yesterday, it has been 14 weeks since I started my journey of investing and believing in myself and to date I have lost lost 45 pounds.  I know some people fear it is a lot of weight to lose in a short amount of time, however; people really shouldn't worry, I keep in close contact with my doctor.   There were many times over the years that I would join Weight Watchers and in six months I would lose 60 pounds, just from eating healthy... this time I am using Fitness Pal which is my Weight Watchers without the cost.  I just need to be accountable somewhere about my food... this helps me to be successful.

The difference with the losses I have had in the past is that I never incorporated exercise into the mix... and not just exercising once or twice a week, I mean exercising four to six times per week.  Especially since I am 50 years old, I really had to drastically change my life... the weight was not going to come off by just eating a little better and exercising once or twice a week... I had to change my life totally... a complete 180 degree turn.  I know, everyone is saying, isn't that difficult?  You bet it was, this change has probably been one of the biggest and hardest changes in my life but I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it feels to take control of your own life.  Also, I am diversifying with my walking by starting up Zumba and Yoga eventually (once my knees can handle holding the poses).

I started at the Canada Games Center last night... it was great once I got into it.. first I had to sign up, pay, get my picture taken (eww), which cut into my exercise time.  Then we finally got into get changed, I had brought the wrong exercise pants (I picked up Valentina's by mistake... we both have black leggings and of course I do not fit into hers...)  Then I thought oh well, I will just walk in my jeans...  I then went to lock everything up and the lock I had bought was too big and would not fit.  I became frustrated and thought forget this... I took all of our items out and decided to sit outside the pool to wait for Valentina.  Someone at the front desk noticed I was frustrated and took the time to find out why, they advised I could borrow one of their locks for the evening.  So, off I went walking... it was beyond hot on the track and much different than I am used to from walking outside. I will remember my exercise pants in the future... I flew around the track, lap after lap, listening to music... thinking about somethings that have had my mind in a tizzy lately.

I have to say 30 minutes on the track felt like an hour long walk outside, I am going to have to dig deeper than I have ever dug in my life to make my gym experience successful.  When I am walking outside, I just walk a fair distance from my house and I have no choice but to walk back to it... there is no stopping in the middle.  If I want to get home, I have to walk home... with the track, I have to force myself to keep doing laps, I need to find something deep inside myself that won't allow myself to give up... just because I hit 30 minutes.  I know I can walk for 50 or 60 minutes, I have done this regularly and I have done it quite quickly... My 5K is coming up in a couple of weekends and I really need to make sure I am waking a 5K regularly so that I will do well when I participate.

So, loss versus gain, after talking with my David last night, this came to mind... I have lost a great deal of weight and I have gained a great deal of confidence.  I told my David last night that he lost a great deal by losing me, I put a little hehe after it but I was very serious.  He agreed but I don't think he realizes how much he has lost... one day it will come to him.  We talked about how close we are, how much we laugh together, how we can say anything to each other, how nothing is off limits. I also brought up the fact that it had been really hard and painful to get to this point in our relationship, how sometimes I felt it might not be worth it but that today I was grateful that we had made it through.  He said that is what friends do for each other... then I said to him, I don't think you understand that most people who date as intensely as we dated, make it back to the friendship stage.  However; I did tell him that I was grateful that we were different and special enough to each other that we didn't give up.

For there were many times over the past year and a half that I thought I just couldn't do it... luckily we do love each other, not in the same way... but there is definite love between us and there is total respect.  No one gets me like he does ... neither one of us trusts anyone as much as we trust each other.  I think of us as soul mates, we are like each others second halves... it's not that we are not whole on our own because I think we are, we just compliment each other, we understand and get each other. I just needed to learn my worth to realize that although I lost David romantically... he lost much more by letting me go.  I have come to that point in my life where I have gained so much confidence that I won't settle, just to be with someone... I don't feel it is worth it just to date someone.  Some guy would have to come along and be so special and prove that he was worth taking a chance on... there are not many of those guys around the older I get.... Oh well, I am not worried about it, it just isn't important anymore.

I have lost a great deal of weight but truthfully I have gained more than I ever thought I would with finally believing my worth.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥