Finding The Beauty Of The Butterfly Within Me

I just wanted to share a quick update, I am still walking a lot... over 39 miles last week, I have to say I really enjoy it. I love knowing I can do this even when I thought it wasn't possible at one time... I love proving myself wrong, it makes me know I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was.

 

I've been thinking about some rather deep thoughts lately, I came across the quote above and realized how true it was... I know many people who are amazing and are unable to see this in themselves, I have often been unable to see this in myself too... When I think about what the butterfly goes through to become the beautiful thing that they are born to be, I am in awe... It is much like all the trials and tribulations that we deal with that help us to become the butterflies we were truly meant to be... and yet we sometimes fail to see our beauty.

 

This past couple of weeks has had me questioning how unfair life seems, I cannot fathom why some people seem to lie and hurt others but then have what they want and others who are honest and could never hurt another, doesn't have the things they desire... Although it is highly unfair, I came to the conclusion that the people that lie and hurt others are weak and the people that are honest grow stronger through each trial. 

Who would I rather be? Even if it is more difficult I want to be the girl that goes through each trial and comes out stronger for them... When I am going through them, it is hard to see the good that can come from them... One in particular nearly destroyed me and I was so positive that I could never get passed it... Some days are still harder than others, some days I see the good and I know one day I will have the answers to why I had to deal with something so devastating that a part of me wondered if I could stop feeling broken... 

I know what broken feels like inside, I can never explain it to someone who hasn't felt it... but I do know others who have felt this way too... When someone has told me in the past that all I need to do is see the good and have gratitude, I have honestly wanted to scream at them... I do know that staying there won't help me grow but going through it is what will ultimately strengthen me... I read a quote one time about damaged people being dangerous because they know they can survive... I'm a survivor... if I can climb out of a sadness that threatened to engulf me completely, I can pretty well get through anything thrown at me. 

I hope that I will be able to help others get through the trials they are going through because of what I have had to deal with, something good has to come from it... I know for sure I won't just tell someone to see the good and show gratitude... I will tell them to feel the pain, no matter how difficult it is... because one day they will emerge from the cocoon and become the butterfly I know they can be... Eventually they will see the good and show gratitude.

I love that last quote... I am looking for the magic for I want my soul to soar... that would be true freedom and happiness for me. I have found it in the past and I will again in the future. Today I plan to look for the beauty inside me... and remember it was always there.

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The Choice To Numb It Or Feel It

I have to say I have been wanting to write for the past couple of days and there seemed like one thing after another that came up. Saturday I spent at a conference, it was very good and something that I am grateful I attended. It was about wellness in all forms... I think we all need to hear more about how to care for ourselves better. So then when I got home that night I needed to do laundry as I had been neglecting it due to the vast amount of exercise I have been doing. 

 

Then Sunday came around and I went to church, caught up on many of my blogs and then took a 5 mile walk with a friend. I was quite wiped out by the time I got back. You'd think I would have been able to sleep... but no... I am still waking up 3 to 5 times per night. It doesn't even seem to matter that I am eating great and exercising nearly every single day... Oh well, I am sure I will be able to sleep through a full night one of these days. 

Just a quick update with my exercise, I am still going strong, I walked over 40 miles last week, I do feel better for it, as well I was able to drop some of the weight I had gained in July. Although I do want to lose pounds, it is not the most important thing, getting healthy by exercising daily and eating consciously is my main focus... everything else can and will follow. What I really want to gain from keeping my lifestyle changes is being healthy emotionally. 

This past week has been a reflective one, I was thinking about what I wrote last week wondering if I really meant it...?  Then I remembered a quote about how we just need to fake it until we make it... I also realize that the longer I stay away from attempting to date, the harder it will be to go back. I can be a girl of excuses but I don't want to be her anymore... that girl with all the excuses was in a difficult place, one I never thought I would rise from.

Yet I did rise, and even though I am not completely hopeful that love will ever come my way, I know that if I don't put myself out there, it more than likely won't happen. Also a good friend reminded me that all I have to do is look back and see how far I have come... Difficult challenges are going to come, I know there are people that have dealt with trials I have no idea how they made it through, each day I am inspired with how they have overcome something and grown beyond what they thought they could ever have dealt with.

 

Remember that saying that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle...? I was reminded that wasn't true, he actually gives us a little more so that we stretch and grow. The real question is if we want to grow...?  If we don't want to, we have the choice to give into the pain... however; I am here to say that numbing the pain only lasts so long, eventually we all have to deal with it... I know from personal experience that most times dealing with the pain, isn't nearly as bad as numbing it...

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