I Am Not Giving Up, I Am Winning

I read a couple of blogs today that really touched me and made me cry.  These two women for different reasons have such low self worth and they reminded me of how I feel deep inside.... the part I try to hide from everyone.  The part that wonders if I am good enough? ..  I hold her back and tell her that she is, she is more than worth it but somewhere deep inside I doubt it.

This time though, I am not going to eat that lack of self worth, I am not going to sit in my house because of my lack of self worth... I am going to eat healthy, I am going to walk.  Regardless of how that part of me feels, I will acknowledge her but I will not feed that fear.  It has taken me a long time... a very long time to stand up to that part of me and say, I know you have valid feelings but eating junk and sitting on my butt is not helping. 

I have to do something different for us, I have to be strong for both of us... that little girl inside that feels worthless needs me to make things different for her.. So, no matter how hard it is, I am staying the course.  Nothing and I mean nothing will get me off course this time. I am dedicated to this, dedicated to seeing this through to wherever it leads. I am grateful for my tenacity and that I dig deep and keep challenging myself.

The old me would have said, it is too hot... hop on the bus... look at your face, you are so red, people are looking!!  This won't change... just give in.  This is what I have to say to her, I don't care how hot it is, I am walking, I don't care how red my face gets, everyone can look... who cares... All this walking will change me! I can already see it in less then two weeks.  I started out with a 20-25 minute walk where I thought I might pass out... I didn't... I walked  again the next day.  Each day gets easier ... new challenges come along but I just keep knocking them down, one after the ofter.

I walked almost five miles today... I never would have thought that was possible.  I did it and it was incredibly hot today, I didn't care about the heat, my sweating or my red face.. what I care about is showing that little girl inside of me that burying her feelings with food or other addictions never brought her joy, how about giving something else a try.  She is hard to reach but I am not letting her win by giving up... I am going to win this time... which means she will too.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Worth The Journey

I am wide awake, I took a nap this afternoon... how come it seems so much easier to nap in the day than it does to sleep at night?  It was one of those cool afternoons where it feels so good to curl up in bed with a couple of your favorite blankets and then just drift off to sleep.  Hopefully I will still be able to sleep tonight, lately it seems I need to take my sleep when it comes, otherwise I may never get any.

I have been having a reflective weekend, one where I go from one thought to the next which then brings me to the next one... Maybe that is why I don't sleep, I have so many thoughts going on in my head that I don't give myself enough down time. I think giving ourselves the gift of time is the best gift we can give... I am really grateful that I am going to be joining The Canada Games Center this week, I feel like this will be giving myself time.  While I am there, whether I am running, swimming, doing a Zumba class... I will be giving time to myself to get healthy.

I am excited for this new chapter in my life, it is one long over due... it is because I didn't value myself enough before.  Lately I realize if I don't value myself, Valentina may not value herself...  I want her see that I take care of myself and that she should take care of herself.  I have let me go because of one excuse after the other, never believing I deserved this... the time is now though, I don't want to be sitting here a year from now wishing I had started.  I want to post a year from now that I not only accomplished my goal, I am still there, keeping it up and having fun.

Valentina asked me how long we would be going, I told her for as long as she wanted... that made her happy, this is something she and I can do together and we will have time to chat on the bus on the way home every night.  I am happy that this will bring us closer together... especially since she will be a teenager before I know it and that is a little scary for me. My Valentina is a really sweet little girl but I am not burying my head in the sand, she will be a teenager soon and it changes even the best of girls. I really think that spending all this time getting healthy together will help her and I stay close.

Once I join this week, I am going to weigh and measure myself and start keeping track... I will just check in weekly with both of these.  Once I feel more comfortable, I will share my stats... I will update you all with the amount of weight I lose as well as all the activities I participate in.  I feel like this is the beginning of a long journey but one that will be worth all the effort...

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Only Need To Give Love

I am of infinite worth, I deserved to be loved by my David, my David deserved to be loved by me.
We both had to know that,  for us to have worked, not just one of us.  I needed to remember that I am of infinite worth and I deserve to be loved. David doesn't have to love me for me to know that, I had to know that for myself. I have felt that before but not like I did tonight, I actually had chills from it.

I was reading a blog by a young woman that is a daughter of my very good friend from church which is titled Laura plus Jeremy: Our Little Life Together.  I was so moved by her honesty and openness about how she felt inadequate but that she had been touched by a very inspiring talk by one of our church members who talked about how we just needed to love Heavenly Father, love ourselves and don't compare ourselves to others. We are all deserving of infinite love, all the things we pick apart about ourselves is to keep us from remembering that Heavenly Father loves us, we should love ourselves and we should stop wondering if or why someone has it better or worse than us.

 Which only causes us to forget that we all deserve better and we shouldn't let the things we play in our head over and over, that somehow we are not good enough, for reasons we come up with where we think we don't deserve to be loved and from things we have been told throughout our lives by other people we know or have known.

I have not heard affirming affirmations most of my life... I have usually heard degrading things. Well as an adult I know they are not true but whenever I allow my mind to dwell on those thoughts, I am not allowing myself to see that I do deserve infinite love.  Just like we all do... Laura's blog so inspired me. I am seeing things from a different point of view, it is like I have done a one hundred and eighty degree turn.

I wanted, or rather I needed to write this tonight because I know the day may come that I will have a bad day where I allow my thoughts to dwell in those inadequate feelings,  I wanted this written blog post to remind me that they are not true.  They cannot be real if I don't give them part of my mind to dwell in... I am not even sure I can convey how much of an amazing feeling I had understanding this concept.

I am going to talk about something that I don't normally talk about because I do not like to come of as preachy.  I believe we all have the right to believe what we believe and that we should be respected for our beliefs.  I don't judge other people and I love all people, no matter what religion they are.

So when I read Laura's blog, I really felt the truth that Heavenly Father loves me, Jesus Christ loves me, I don't have to be perfect for Him to love me, I just have to be working at being a better me, a more loving and a nonjudgmental me.  I think I have come a long way in that department and for this I am grateful.

I am hoping I didn't come of too preachy because that is just not how I live my life, I am grateful for my knowledge and I believe strongly in my Faith but that doesn't mean I would profess to tell another how to live.  It is not my place to judge another, it is only my place to love.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥