My Faith Will Be Bigger Than My Fears

I have been wanting to write for the last week, each time I would think tonight would be the night... I would have had a very stressful day at work, I also ended up having vertigo 3 days in the last week and I have been spending a lot of time organizing my social media. First and foremost the physio therapist has given me the green light to start walking again... now if the weather would cooperate, unfortunately there has been a great deal of rain, the long range forecast looks pretty good for now, which I am looking forward to... Second, I have been sabotaging myself when it comes to food.  I am not even sure why, I know I have to figure out why so that I can continue on my healthy path. 

I have had small dips here and there over the past couple of years but this has been a big long dip, I am not sure what it will take... I know that once I get walking again, I will have something more to focus on other than sitting in front of a TV... Here's the funny thing, I don't even like the TV, I find it boring and monotonous, I actually don't watch full shows, I just have it on while I do my social media on my phone. However; that is not a good excuse for me to just throw everything I have learned away. 

There are going to be tough times in my life, food isn't the answer to those issues. I am not berating myself or thinking I am a failure in any way... I just need to figure out a better way to handle disappoints and trials. Walking these past few years has really had me focused, I never even knew how much it kept me on the path until I couldn't do it. I have to learn other methods because as much as I love walking, it isn't always going to be feasible. I don't know what the answer is yet but that is what I am working on at the moment. 

I have had a lot on my mind and I feel like I am at a crossroads, which I think we all come to often in our lives...some bigger than others. In the past I usually let circumstances take over and make the decision of which path I will follow as I never find it easy to make decisions. I know, not always the best way to deal with choices... I can think of a couple of choices in my life that were made for me because I refused to make them for myself... the aftermath of those choices being made for me were life changing and not always in a good way... what did I learn from them?

That is why I am thinking about the place I am in my life and looking down those paths and choices I have. I always thought I was the girl that needed stability... even if it was boring. When my father would up and move to another province or country in a heartbeat or change jobs on a whim... I would think, how does he sleep at night, isn't he worried about what might happen with the choices he made? However; in the last few years, I have come to understand him a great deal more... although he didn't face his past head on... he did live his life the way he wanted to...

I know I have spent my life not making choices because I was too concerned what people might think or say... but as I grow older and understand more and more that the life we have been given was meant to live, to explore and grow. We all have different paths in our lives and no one should tell us which one to take because they feel they know what is best for us... I know the path I want to take, I just need to figure out how to get there... and the truth is that I believe if it is meant to be, a way will be made... My faith just has to be bigger than me fears...

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Believing In The Light I Couldn't See

I have been really busy for the past couple of weeks, I realized I had the opportunity to get to a milestone that I never thought was possible when I was looking over my stats on Fitbit and noticed that if I was willing to go all out and walk as often as possible that I might be able to reach 600 miles in three months... and I did it with a day to spare. From July 1st until September 30th I walked over 607 miles, 126 hours of that time was active exercise and I ended up with more than 1,200,000 steps.

I was thrilled when I reached the milestone for many reasons, one because I proved to myself that I could do it, two I proved that age is not a factor if you put all your effort into it and three I removed many excuses out of my life to achieve the goal. There were mornings I thought about just hopping on a bus, misty days I thought about staying home and days where I thought what's a couple of days off going to hurt?... Each time an excuse came up I brushed them off and just walked... do you know what? I don't regret one moment of the steps I took, not one... each one made me feel healthier and stronger. 

What is my next goal? With the cooler months approaching I am going to have to use every available good weather moment to exercise and I have started strength training... I am new to it, so it will take a little time to get comfortable, nothing new feels easy right away, eventually I will be a pro at that too... I have stopped looking for excuses to give up and I just started doing. I think one of the best slogans is the Nike one that said 'Just Do It'... there is nothing more simple and more true.

Am I trying to say it is easy? Not at all... I think we have to work hard to keep getting better, at least for me there is one excuse after another that I could come up with to validate why I can't stay on this path but none of them are true or good excuses. It is funny how I spent so much time talking myself out of doing when it was far less effort to just do it... What I gained more than anything from this was finding out how cathartic exercise really is, whenever something tough or emotional would come up, I would walk and it gave me time to think things through and clear my head. 

 

This was especially true with the last part of September being an anniversary that could have pulled me down if I let it, instead I walked the pain of that anniversary away... I was a little melancholy but I dealt with it in a really good way... I did not give into the sadness. There are more of these days on the way but that was one of the worst ones and if can get through that one, I can get through the other ones... at least the other ones are not nasty painful ones, just good memories that became sad... We all have those, finding out that life doesn't always turn out the way it should or the way we expected....

You know what I learned from the horrible challenge I had to deal with the last two years? I became incredibly grateful for all the trials that I made it through before that one... because each one of those trials was building me stronger to make it through the most difficult one. I knew there was a light even though I couldn't see it, I held onto that... that little bit of Faith and Hope... Trials are a little like exercise, it doesn't necessarily feel good while you are going through it but ultimately it makes you stronger...

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Light Will Shine Through The Dark

Monday was a rough day for many people after we learned that Robin Williams had not only died but he had taken his own life. Most of what I read was very respectful and emotional. I know from reading that there were people that thought he was selfish, I don't think that he was, I think he was in a lot of pain. I have been in that kind of pain... it's a sad place to be in. For me I am grateful I have a strong foundation that no matter how bad it gets, I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone knows that, not everyone can hold on until it shows up.

I know that this last challenge for me was harder than anything I have ever dealt with, for nine long months I held on because I knew somewhere along the line a light would show up and things would get better. It was probably the longest nine months of my life, each day I had to convince myself that life would get better, I would smile again and I would find joy. I never lost hope, there were days that it was incredibly hard but thankfully I did hold on and like it always does, the light showed up, I smile again and I feel joy.

I know I don't ever want to experience that pain again but I found out I was stronger than I ever believed. I wish other people that are suffering with depression find something that helps them to believe things will get better. Nothing is perfect, I still have a day here and there... the good thing now is that even a bad day has a light. I'm trying to write it all down so that when another rough patch comes, I can come back here and be reminded that life always gets better.

I always feel sad when someone is not able to hold on... I hope they are finally free on the other side. Nobody knows the pain others have had to deal with ... I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding that a depressed person cannot just get over it and move on, sometimes it takes counseling and even medication. What's truly needed though is compassion ... I think we all could show a little more love towards one another, there would be more people holding on if we did...

I also came away with a great deal of gratitude that I had the tenacity to hold on and that I continued to believe that no matter how bad it was and it was heart wrenching pain... I made it through. I would like to think that with each challenge I have overcome, that I would be that much stronger to handle the next ones that may come along. Also, I have been sleeping for about a 5 hour stretch at a time, for the last 3 days, with the sleeping the dreams have followed...

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I Don't Play Games, I Win Games

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Finally, I will sleep like a baby tonight... it's about time.  I was worried for nothing... I forgot my own worth, it is back now... I am no longer going to sit around and be upset about anything that isn't important.  My new motto is watch me... I have now taken 56 pounds off in 18 weeks, I have about another 30 pounds to lose. I am excited to finally get to where I wanted to for so many years.  I stopped with the excuses, there is no excuse out there that will take me off my course ever again.  I went swimming last night and let me tell you, what a workout that was, I was swimming, running in the water, doing flips, hand stands for ninety minutes... I felt like I was in my twenties.  It helps to have lost a great deal of weight.

People that have known me all my life are dropping there jaws, my picture is not even showing the weight loss as well as it does in person.  People are telling me that I have lost enough... I haven't as even when I lose the 30 pounds I will still be considered overweight by 20-25 pounds.  However; I won't be the least bit overweight, I will be curvy, just the way I like myself.  Right now, I am so centered on becoming even better than I am now... that means swimming once or twice per week, taking Zumba twice a week, walking 3-4 times per week and adding in strength training 3-4 times per week.

I am in the zone, I cannot believe that I was the least bit upset about NOTHING... when it is all said and done... I will be the one who comes out on top.  I forgot my own tenacity, I have overcome more than most people have ... and I always come out on top... First and foremost, if I want something... I go after it and I get it... sometimes I realize somethings are not worth it and I move on to better things. Once I make my mind up, I make it up fast and there is no changing it.  It will even be faster now that I have my full self esteem back in place where it should have always been.

I also know and believe that everything will be as it should be, worrying about it, being sad about it will not change it...  I am just going to focus more on doing the things I need to do to become the best me that is possible and everything else will fall into place.  My problem was that I was worried about something I need not worry about... sometimes I wonder when I have so little faith when I have seen so many things turn around on a dime.  I don't play games, I win games...

I Only Need To Give Love

I am of infinite worth, I deserved to be loved by my David, my David deserved to be loved by me.
We both had to know that,  for us to have worked, not just one of us.  I needed to remember that I am of infinite worth and I deserve to be loved. David doesn't have to love me for me to know that, I had to know that for myself. I have felt that before but not like I did tonight, I actually had chills from it.

I was reading a blog by a young woman that is a daughter of my very good friend from church which is titled Laura plus Jeremy: Our Little Life Together.  I was so moved by her honesty and openness about how she felt inadequate but that she had been touched by a very inspiring talk by one of our church members who talked about how we just needed to love Heavenly Father, love ourselves and don't compare ourselves to others. We are all deserving of infinite love, all the things we pick apart about ourselves is to keep us from remembering that Heavenly Father loves us, we should love ourselves and we should stop wondering if or why someone has it better or worse than us.

 Which only causes us to forget that we all deserve better and we shouldn't let the things we play in our head over and over, that somehow we are not good enough, for reasons we come up with where we think we don't deserve to be loved and from things we have been told throughout our lives by other people we know or have known.

I have not heard affirming affirmations most of my life... I have usually heard degrading things. Well as an adult I know they are not true but whenever I allow my mind to dwell on those thoughts, I am not allowing myself to see that I do deserve infinite love.  Just like we all do... Laura's blog so inspired me. I am seeing things from a different point of view, it is like I have done a one hundred and eighty degree turn.

I wanted, or rather I needed to write this tonight because I know the day may come that I will have a bad day where I allow my thoughts to dwell in those inadequate feelings,  I wanted this written blog post to remind me that they are not true.  They cannot be real if I don't give them part of my mind to dwell in... I am not even sure I can convey how much of an amazing feeling I had understanding this concept.

I am going to talk about something that I don't normally talk about because I do not like to come of as preachy.  I believe we all have the right to believe what we believe and that we should be respected for our beliefs.  I don't judge other people and I love all people, no matter what religion they are.

So when I read Laura's blog, I really felt the truth that Heavenly Father loves me, Jesus Christ loves me, I don't have to be perfect for Him to love me, I just have to be working at being a better me, a more loving and a nonjudgmental me.  I think I have come a long way in that department and for this I am grateful.

I am hoping I didn't come of too preachy because that is just not how I live my life, I am grateful for my knowledge and I believe strongly in my Faith but that doesn't mean I would profess to tell another how to live.  It is not my place to judge another, it is only my place to love.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Not An Accident

We walk away from our dreams afraid that we may fail or worse yet afraid we may succeed.

The second chapter of 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren was easy for me to agree with as I already believe that I am not an accident and neither is anyone else.  I have always believed that you have the children you are destined to have, with the people you have them with.  I never believed a child to be illegitimate because their parents were not married, like Rick states, maybe the parents are illegitimate but not the children.

I cried when I listened to the message on the internet that comes along with it after I read the second chapter.  He stated how God never stops loving me, no matter what... he may not be pleased with some of my decisions but He is always there for me.  He never turns away from me, it is I who have walked away....  I know that not all people believe in 'God' per say but whatever it is that you believe in... a higher being... I just can't believe that this Earth was created by accident, it was made perfectly for us.

 

The reason I cried was because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and yet I continually walk away from him when I am disappointed or sad or angry... and I am amazed every single time when I turn back towards Him and see that He is always there.  I love my children and I don't believe there is anything they could do for me not to love them and yet they can drive me a little crazy.  Mostly because I can see their potential and it is frustrating when they don't believe in themselves.  Much like God or your higher power that can see the potential in us and we fail to see what He sees in us.  It must be frustrating for Him too. 

I have been very emotional for the past couple of weeks, I think because I have to think about and deal with things I don't want to... I am usually able to keep myself busy but being home has made it much more challenging ... and studying this book is only making me more emotional, which I did not think was possible... but it is.  I think it is good though, I am finally dealing with some things that I didn't want to because they were too painful... to sad.

I had an a-ha moment which really made me really emotional, one that I can't share right now because I need to share it with someone first, than I will post it here later.  Suffice to say that even though I had the a-ha moment, it doesn't make it any easier, it is still sad, still difficult to handle.  See.. even when you know the right thing to do, it doesn't make it any easier, even though it should....

I am only two days into this forty days, if I am feeling like this now... I am wondering how I will feel in forty days... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Having The Faith To Change

First some good news, my leg is healing pretty good... my insurance company from work has approved for me to be off until April 3rd, they told me they wanted to make sure my leg was healed before heading back to work.  I am quite grateful to say the least, have I said how much I love the company I work for?  If not, I love the company I work for... I am able to have surgery and recuperate without any financial worry.  I am going to spend the next three weeks building up my strength, it is easy to lose your muscle while lying around healing. 

The quote above by Jeanette Winterson that states how we handle change, how change is natural... what I perceive from this quote is that we have to have faith that everything will work out as it should, since change is a constant in our lives... we need to learn how to deal with it and the best way is to just have faith.  I know for myself that when I come up against a change I am not sure I can handle, I tend to think about it too much instead of having a little faith that the change is necessary and good. 

The quote above is not always easy to follow but sometimes it is all we can do... have faith that we are strong enough or that we will be made strong enough to handle the challenges given to us.  Those challenges are there for us to make the choice if we want to become more of who we are meant to be or if we want to take the easy way out.  Although learning how to fly on the way down might be extremely tough, I would rather not take the easy way out or I may never learn to fly.

This year is a year of change for me, I am finally being healed... I am going to be able to start exercising soon, I am going to face my fear of heights this summer and I am learning to have faith in the changes that are happening.  I really had lost faith in myself in 2012, I was so wrapped up in my loss that I couldn't deal with anything else.  I understand that there are events in our lives that will bring us to our knees, test our faith and question all that we know... This was the time for me to have faith and know that one day the answers I searched for from my loss would be made known to me. I needed to stop wondering and give myself the permission to move on without the answers.

Having faith really does mean that I will have trust that what the future holds is exactly where I am meant to be.  I don't think any of this is easy but when I think of the alternative which is living with fear and chaos, I am realizing that having faith is a much better option... Also, I still have my hopes, wishes, dreams... we should never give up on our dreams but when they are not working out perfectly, sometimes shifting things another way will still lead us to our dreams.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Magnificent Gifts Await Us

So often when things change in our lives, we have such a resistance to the change. This is because when people see a big change appearing they are often fearful that it is something bad. But it is important to remember that when something big changes in our lives, it means something better is coming. There cannot be a vacuum in the Universe, and so as something moves out, something must come in and replace it. When change comes, relax, have total faith, and know that the change is ALL GOOD.

Something more magnificent is coming to you!

May the joy be with you,

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... bringing joy to billions

I not only follow many blogs on a very regular basis, I also have many emails sent to me that are uplifting quotes, thoughts and ideas.  One of them is from Rhonda Byrne (The Secret)... I love the paragraph above, it says exactly what I have been thinking and pondering about lately... That foolish fear that stops me in my tracks and keeps me from progressing.  2013 is the year for me to push past this, I am going to make it to the other side of my fear, I want to see what is there.

So I am getting to the end of this month and I have pretty well kept my goal to write every day.  I was late by 5 minutes one night, I didn't get home until 11:00 pm.  Another night the power went off but I just posted twice the next day.  Now I am going to see what I am made of, I am going to attempt to have 7 days worth of posts set up to be released every day while I am in the hospital and recuperating.  I have been a procrastinator for too many years, always trying to do every thing at the last moment.  I usually get through it but I don't think that is the best way to live.

You know what I can't wait for, that magnificent thing that is waiting on the other side of my fear... I am going to immerse myself in the change... instead of fearing it.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Holding On Could Mean Holding Back

If I had to explain why, I couldn't.  Shouldn't I at least understand why?  Am I not meant to know?  Am I always meant to wonder?  Or am I just supposed to accept without questioning?  So many questions without any answers.  Is that the way it should be? 

A year later and I am more in the dark than I originally was; each day does not get easier.  Lately it becomes more cloudy, harder to see the outcome. I loved when things were clear, they were.  Something came along and took away the clarity.

Maybe I don't have the Faith I need, do you think it because I've been let down so many times it's hard to hold on to Faith?  It's not impossible, it's just difficult.  I wish I could forget the past, not hold onto it so fiercely.  Maybe I need to let go completely?  Maybe that's the only way? 

Holding on could mean holding back, I don't know how to let go! I've tried and quickly I grab on and hold on for dear life believing that by giving up or giving in means losing.  What if by holding on I'm losing the most.

When will I believe I'm worth giving in and realize it's not losing at all; it's really a growing experience that will show me the true path I'm meant to be on.  Maybe the truth was that I deserved even better.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Changing The Outcome To Change The Cycle

Faith precedes the miracle!

I feel like my life goes in circles, I learn a lesson, I feel enlightened and then I'm tested and often I fail. I try again and I go through the same cycle; constantly trying to change the outcome so that I don't end up back where I started. My goal is to move forward daily, doing better than the day before.

Some days I succeed, others I wonder if I'll make it through.  I feel selfish sometimes as I'm well aware that there are people in this world who have a much more difficult life than I do. People that have overwhelming challenges that blow me away.

When I constantly remind myself of this, it shows me just how blessed and lucky I am.  I unfortunately seem to be one of those people who need to have it driven home to me daily instead of having the faith to believe.

Until I learn to have faith, I will continually be caught in that vicious circle where I'll never find true happiness.  What if this is what I need to learn to have what I truly want?  What if I am holding myself back from the blessings that are waiting for me? 

What if the dream I've had for myself isn't big enough?  Am I letting fear holding me back?  I've been through the fire literally many times throughout my life, I could not have been saved for a mundane life, none of us were.

I need to be truly grateful for each and every trial I've had, otherwise I'll never learn the lesson and grow to my potential.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Having Faith, Is It Really That Easy?

I wrote a post last night that I couldn't put on my blog, it was sad and way too emotional.  I've been this way for the past couple of days.  I went on the cleanse so that I could work hard to clean up all aspects of my life.  Some changes were easier, some were downright hard.

I realized that I haven't healed, not nearly as much as I thought or hoped.  I just masked all the pain and I can't or rather I won't continue to cover it anymore. So instead I'm living in each moment of sadness and pain, things I was sure I had dealt with.  Come to find out I hadn't dealt with it all, I had covered or buried it. All in an effort to feel better, to feel healed.

 Unless I am willing to continue to cover my emotions for the rest of my life, I will have to break down and learn to be comfortable with them and with me.  It's so difficult to live with the pain I feel and believe that everything will be okay. 

Why am I the one who has invested so much of my heart and soul to only have it broken time and again?  Why can't I get to the point that I don't care, where I can walk away and say it was all their loss and truly believe it?

 

I wish... I know... I shouldn't say I wish, I need to change this trait in my life, why are some traits so hard to change?  I feel like I opened a dam that I can't close.  I have put so much effort into getting myself together for the past 10 months and then I just threw all that hard work away and I feel like I am back to square one.


I keep hearing all I have to do is have faith, is it really that easy? 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Will Have The Courage To Fly

It's not until you have the courage to step off the ledge that you'll realize you've had wings all along. ~ Gail Lynne Goodwin

The quote above is true if very scary, it is always hard to take that first step and have faith that we'll have the wings to fly.  We have been promised that if we have faith, miracles can happen.  I've seen this happen in my life often.
               

When we feel as though we don't deserve miracles is when we need to embrace this even more. We most assuredly deserve wonderful awesome things in our lives.  It's our human side that makes us feel as if we are not good enough.  Just because we are alive means we deserve amazing things.

It's the human side of us that is sure because we made mistake after mistake that we don't deserve happiness.  I've felt this for years, I even felt this when my relationship with David didn't work out.

There was no reason that it didn't work out so I felt it must have been because I wasn't worthy?  Something awesome was given to me, only to say, ha ha... Did you really think after the way you lived your life that you deserved someone as kind as wonderful as David? 

It's taken me years to believe that I do deserve someone wonderful, kind and loving. Just because I've messed up in the past, that does not mean that I don't deserve to be loved by someone with their whole heart and soul.

Some people don't realize what they could have had and they waste their opportunity.  I'm not going to waste mine, my time will come...  I just have to believe and have faith.  Everything will work out as I know it was meant to.

I will open those wings and soar above the clouds.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield