Choosing The Road Of Success

I have been wanting to write since Saturday but I promised myself I wanted to get caught up with my blogs that I follow first, that took until today... if I take a day off, I get way behind. I honestly love following everyone and commenting because I think that is what the blogging world is about, it is about supporting each other. However; saying this, I do get overwhelmed at times. I do need to cut back a little here and there, I can't comment on every single post as much as I would like to... I am going to get back to allotting myself a set amount of time. 

What I really wanted to write about today is, as you all know I have been struggling with getting back to exercising and eating healthy... I know it is okay to treat myself from time to time but that doesn't mean daily. I hesitate to say these words as I know they will be taken out of context... but I was out of control... I don't think I need to watch every single thing I eat but I NEED to have limits. This is not for everyone but this is what I need, this is how I succeed. 

For the past three months I was upset because I couldn't walk and I sabotaged myself by eating whatever I wanted to... It didn't make me feel better, those things rarely do. I kept thinking in that mentality that I would get it together when I could start walking and exercising again... then I was given the green light and I still continued to eat whatever I wanted... I didn't exercise, I started feeling uncomfortable in my own skin... my clothes were not feeling good on me .... All of this only intensified my emotions more. So, if you remember, I said I was at a crossroads... I chose a path on Friday, I am tracking my food and being accountable for it now. 

Also, today I was waiting for a bus... I looked down the street and realized the sidewalks were pretty clear, I just took off and started walking... it felt great, I pushed myself ... as I walked I wondered why I had allowed excuses to get in the way again?... because it is easier to ignore my feelings and just eat them... that is what the old me did, ignored everything and ate. I didn't like how I was feeling, how I was coming up with one excuse after another. Finally a catalyst happened in my life a couple of days  ago and I couldn't be more grateful that it did... without it I would still be in that rut... 

I feel like I did when I first started my weight loss journey in 2013, which actually turned into my becoming healthy journey... I was so committed, I never let anything get in the way. The weather is not going to always cooperate with me, especially in the next couple of months but that will not be a good enough excuse for me not to be accountable to myself. One day I will write about what finally got me all fired up, for now it's just good enough that I am goal oriented again. 

I realize the most important thing I need to do is prepare my food in advance ... I won't say it is easy as I have never thought it was easy to eat right and exercise daily but I can tell you that I will feel so much better, I remember what it felt like when I did... this is why I never gave up wanting it back... I might have taken the longer road back to where I want to be but the good thing is that I never gave up and I took the right road... the one that will set me up for success. 

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Excuses Are Just Fears

I walked away from blogging for the past couple of weeks without saying anything, I wasn't sure that I was leaving; each day I was gone I wasn't sure when I was coming back ... I didn't know what to say. I sporadically commented on a few posts here and there but I didn't spend any significant time reading. I didn't know why until yesterday and then I was so busy that I didn't have a moment to write.

You all know that I am on my journey to be healthy, which to me entails more than just eating healthy and exercising but that is what I have been focused on for the past two months. I rarely if ever went over the calorie limit I had allowed for myself and I have been exercising a lot. In the month of July and August I walked over 190 miles each of those months... Already this month I have 30 miles... yet in 9 weeks I have only lost 9 pounds. I know that it is good that I lost and that slow weight loss is better but it is very hard to handle when I know that what I eat and what I exercise should show much better numbers on the scale.

Yes, I do feel a bit better with my clothing, however; inches are not coming off as easily either. . . So, I reached out to two people and they both gave me sound advise in that I have to change how I am exercising... you see I LOVE cardio, I could walk 6-8 miles a day if I had the time but apparently my body has become used to my exercise even though I have increased it greatly... I am going to watch a few videos and have some one on one training with a friend. 

I was disappointed in myself, I retreated inward and started working out even more... which ultimately didn't help, I even gained a half a pound. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but if you knew how many calories I ate and how many I expended, you might understand why I was frustrated. It was only yesterday that I realized going inward and exercising insanely wasn't helping, I needed to ask for help from people that I know are successful. I have talked about strength training for the past few years, putting in a tiny attempt here and there and coming up with excuse after excuse... I want those excuses gone now... I remember when I first started walking, it was NOT easy but I worked at it...

I have to do the same thing with getting stronger physically because as the saying goes, 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results' (Albert Einstein). My body is great at holding on to weight it thinks it needs... I have to retrain my body in other ways. I also need to say something here, I do not have any desire to be really skinny, slender or small... that isn't me, I love my curves, I am very happy with my body shape, I just know for me to be healthier that I should lose some more of the weight.

 Also, like I alluded to earlier, being healthy is not just losing weight and eating healthy... for me it is coming to terms with things in my life that are affecting how I feel. I honestly know what happiness is and how it feels, I have had that in many times in my life... and I was happy even when things were difficult... I know that happiness comes from within... I have not felt that for nearly 2 years, I want to feel happy again... so I am going to make many changes in the next few months, which of course I will talk about as I work on each goal.

Something that I honestly learned over the last few years is that until I am ready to make real changes in my life, I will have excuses for each of them... The real change comes for me when I confront each excuse and realize they were just fears... fears that I might fail... I might fail but I will never quit trying... one day I will succeed... 

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My Amazing Bumpy Journey

This week has been both busy and inspirational... I felt lost and focused at the same time... one of those oxymoron's in life. While I was working on my exercise, I had let other things slide. Part of me kept thinking I should and could keep up with everything I need to do... don't other people do this? I must be prioritizing wrong, maybe if I just sat down and made a plan? Each time I would try to do this, something else would pop up. What I ended up figuring out... which I have always known, was that I have no need to keep up with others, just because I think I should.

When I try to keep up, being the best housekeeper, being the best blogger, doing the most exercise... on and on... I end up not being good at anything. I end up zoning out and throwing the towel in and figuring I will do it all tomorrow. I am not everyone else, I am not here to show that everything is perfect, nothing is perfect... everything is work which is fine. I am not trying to show anyone that you can have it all, I think we all have to make choices, ones that are good for us.

For me at the moment, exercising, getting healthy and becoming strong are at the top of my list... I don't want to look back in a year and say, darn, I wish I had started then... do you see that I didn't write about how I wanted to lose weight? I have weight I want to lose but that is not top priority, I believe if I get healthy, become strong and exercise, the weight will work itself out.

Another thing that is important to me of course is being a good mother, I haven't always been one, due to depression in my life... I can tell you that when depression happens to you, you can never understand how difficult it is to function, let alone be a good mother. I have been at the point that I have done the bare necessities... luckily for me I have had very good people in my life that have stepped up and helped me, instead of judging me. I think we all need to remember this as many of us are dealing with much more than any of us are aware of.

The third most important thing to me is getting myself right spiritually... this is not for everyone but it is for me, it helps me to balance my life out... when I am not working on my spiritual side, I am floundering constantly... I am doing things that ultimately make me unhappy which then lead me into a more difficult cycle... it is like I have no purpose. It isn't that life becomes simple as that would be a joke because when I decided to work on that part of my life, everything and I mean everything came crashing in around me... but I knew that was a part of my journey.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and I had written how I may not find the love of my life and get married and how it was all that I had ever really wanted. Someone questioned me and made me think about that... why was that all I had ever wanted? Many people have questioned me over the years about that and I never had a good answer, other than I wanted it... I still don't have the answer... but for once in my life I am starting to question it...

I think each of us has to decide what is important to them and not worry about what is important to others... our journey is going to be different than other people and there is nothing wrong with that. What is important is our journey and what we learn along the way... Mine is and has been bumpy and I may not have always enjoyed every second of it but I can say I am happy to be on that journey. All the twists and turns I have made, have brought me to where I am today and made me a kinder and more compassionate person.

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No More Hiding Behind The Weight

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I have a question for all my blogger friends who have actually written a book and had it published.  Believe me I know it must have been quite the endeavor to do this ... ever since I have taken back my life with exercising and eating healthy, I have had many people in my life tell me how I need to write about it... I scoffed at them, as truly how many people have written weight loss books or how they finally got to the weight they desired?  More and more I have been thinking that maybe they are right, maybe it is time for me to sit down, compile a book of my journey?  I have everything documented either through my blog, my Facebook, My Fitness Pal or Map My Walk... nothing is all in one place.

I guess I wonder how viable it would be to sit down and put this all together in one place, starting from what actually got me started to what keeps me on this path?  I have had many people comment on how determined I am, I have always been determined... I just never channeled it in the right direction or the right places.  I allowed life issues to take over and I allowed myself to use one excuse after the other to not be the best I could actually be.  Maybe out of fear, I don't know... maybe writing the book whether it gets published or not might answer those questions for me.

All I know is that lately I can't scoff at it as easily as I did in the past, sometimes I will be laying in bed and I have written a chapter in my head just like that.. I even have chapter headings and a possible title.  I have always wanted to write, it has been a desire of mine since I was a little girl.  Unfortunately I allowed other people to define me and I let circumstances in my life make me feel less than I was... Even I can see that I have massive determination when I put my mind to it... people can have a food I used to love to eat and I don't feel like eating it, not in the least.  I feel like I want to be healthy and strong over anything else, I do not feel deprived.

I have overcome a fire that burned me and broke my family apart, I have come through childhood abuse by my ex step mother Ruth, I overcame being a young single mother raising my oldest daughter on assistance, I became stronger after all the abuse Andrey heaped on me in our marriage and the rape after we were separated and I survived losing the love of my life my David.  These are all defining moments that could have taken me down and led me to a path of self destruction but I found the strength to come through each of these and even at my lowest after losing my David romantically I found the desire to finally pull out the strength to get my life on track.

Nearly a year and a half after the break up I dug down deep and finally started my weight loss journey, with every pound I lost I started finding myself more.  I never realized how much I had hid myself behind the weight.  As much as I hated the weight, it was my way of keeping me from growing to my potential as the more I lost the more I realized I had nothing to hide behind anymore.  It was kind of scary since I had given up all the other things I did to hide behind too... I had a plan, a goal of sorts and that came crashing down around me a few weeks ago too, still I stayed with exercising and eating healthy.  I can no longer hide anywhere, as each day moves on from the other, I realize I don't want to hide anymore...

Truthfully, if I can get through all of these things that I did, I can lose the weight and become the best me... Now to write the book, if anything it might answer questions for me...

My First Successful 5K

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I walked/jogged my 5K, I competed and interestingly enough, I competed with me.  It is good to be in a group with other people but ultimately we compete with ourselves.  I felt free while jogging, feeling like I could go on forever but because I never put enough training in for this, I wouldn't allow myself to just keep going.   Eventually I will be able to jog a whole one and that is what I am committed to learning for the Spring.  I had a great deal to overcome in a very short time, I had to quit smoking, I had to lose over 50 pounds (53 to be exact) I still have another 35 pounds I want to take off.

Hear me and hear me now, I will not be too skinny, I will be 20 to 25 pounds over what doctors, Weight Watchers and such think I should be. If I were to go down to what they think is right for me, then I would be too thin.  I have NO desire to be too thin, I LOVE my curves, I love that I am shaped like a woman. I will have a bigger booty than most with a smaller waist, I am more than okay with that.  I have absolutely no desire to get down to a size 4-6-8... Not because I can't but because I don't want to, I would lose what I love most about my body, my curves.

So, I will be happy with a size 10-12-14 and I will look just fine and I will be healthy. Healthy because I will continue to exercise 5-6 days per week, I will do fun things like strength training, Zumba and I am looking into salsa dancing... Eventually I want to swim, once I tone some of my body up.  That will come with strength training. and some time.  I am 100% committed to really getting into shape.

So for my 5K, I completed it in 44:10 minutes, I was hoping to do it under 46:00 minutes, I did and I beat it by nearly 2 minutes.  That was wonderful.... Of course others did this in under 30 minutes and one day with training, I will be able to do that as well.  I have to learn how to breathe when I am running/jogging and I have to believe I can continue and not have a heart attack... lol.  When it was all done, I averaged a mile at 14.09 per minute... all I can say is WOW... so much better than I thought I was capable of... that is why I know I can and will get better.  I believe in myself and I have Faith that I will only get better.

I used this walk/jog to work out an issue that has been on my mind... I have been angry, sad, despondent, afraid, ticked beyond belief... What I am going to say here won't be enough but know that I plan to direct it to the right person, they need to know.  There was a breach in trust and when it all went down, it devastated me, made me feel that deep down, the trust I had with a person was only one sided... Otherwise you don't hide things from someone you trust and you don't blindside them.  Trust is about being there for someone, no matter what.  I have not changed that, I will be there for them... I will show them what trust really is.  Yes I am mad/angry and disappointed but this person will learn in time that they are the ones that had the lack of trust... it was never me... I was always there, as I always will be...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Panic Attacks?

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I'm not sure what is wrong... I have had three panic attacks in less than a week.. I might have had three panic attacks in my whole life before that...

The first one came on the day of David's surgery... I can understand this one, my David was not able to text me for a little over eight hours after the surgery and I was scared that something had happened while he was under... but when he messaged me I relaxed, I thought that was the end of it...

Friday rolled around and I had one at work, I thought I was going to have to leave... I even started to cry. Thankfully it wasn't busy and I was able get my breathing back under control. I wondered why I had one again, David was fine, we had talked the night before. I was actually happy and relaxed.

The third one happened Saturday night in the middle of the night. I woke up at 4 am and I was having one in a dream that I continued with when I woke up.. I did not actually go back to sleep... I dozed... I get up at a decent hour and prepared myself to go to church, I was all dressed and ready to leave when I went to the washroom and the toilet overflowed... that was it for me, I crawled back in bed...  All day Sunday I laid in bed, not wanting to move, wondering if another panic attack would hit.

I did finally relax enough to get up, I took Valentina to a friends house so that I could go for a long walk.  I thought it would be good to get some of the energy out, which I hoped would really help me relax enough to sleep... Especially since I had been unable to get any exercise the previous two days due to the weather... I was ready for sleep Sunday night.. I laid there and hoped I could get through the night without another panic attack. There's nothing really stressing in my life... nothing more than usual. Something must be weighing on my mind that maybe I'm not aware of? I would rather deal with it head on than deal with it this way, where it paralyzes me.

Unfortunately if I don't know what it is that is causing it... I can't really deal with it... which makes me want to figure it out as quickly as I can, so that it won't cause anymore debilitating incidences. I can't keep having them and not try to figure out what is bringing them on... I don't want them to become daily occurrences. Luckily I didn't have another one last night but I did wake up at 3 am and I was unable to fall back to sleep, which will make for a very long day.

Also, just a quick update on my weight loss journey, on my 13th week, I was down a total of 42 pounds and still going down. I still weigh in on Friday's at work as I like to get weighed on the same scale to see my weight loss from the beginning. I also get weighed in on Monday mornings on my own scale as my sister and I are still on the journey to see who will lose 10% of their body weight first and we started on a holiday when I was unable to weigh in at work.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

I Am Worth The Journey

I am wide awake, I took a nap this afternoon... how come it seems so much easier to nap in the day than it does to sleep at night?  It was one of those cool afternoons where it feels so good to curl up in bed with a couple of your favorite blankets and then just drift off to sleep.  Hopefully I will still be able to sleep tonight, lately it seems I need to take my sleep when it comes, otherwise I may never get any.

I have been having a reflective weekend, one where I go from one thought to the next which then brings me to the next one... Maybe that is why I don't sleep, I have so many thoughts going on in my head that I don't give myself enough down time. I think giving ourselves the gift of time is the best gift we can give... I am really grateful that I am going to be joining The Canada Games Center this week, I feel like this will be giving myself time.  While I am there, whether I am running, swimming, doing a Zumba class... I will be giving time to myself to get healthy.

I am excited for this new chapter in my life, it is one long over due... it is because I didn't value myself enough before.  Lately I realize if I don't value myself, Valentina may not value herself...  I want her see that I take care of myself and that she should take care of herself.  I have let me go because of one excuse after the other, never believing I deserved this... the time is now though, I don't want to be sitting here a year from now wishing I had started.  I want to post a year from now that I not only accomplished my goal, I am still there, keeping it up and having fun.

Valentina asked me how long we would be going, I told her for as long as she wanted... that made her happy, this is something she and I can do together and we will have time to chat on the bus on the way home every night.  I am happy that this will bring us closer together... especially since she will be a teenager before I know it and that is a little scary for me. My Valentina is a really sweet little girl but I am not burying my head in the sand, she will be a teenager soon and it changes even the best of girls. I really think that spending all this time getting healthy together will help her and I stay close.

Once I join this week, I am going to weigh and measure myself and start keeping track... I will just check in weekly with both of these.  Once I feel more comfortable, I will share my stats... I will update you all with the amount of weight I lose as well as all the activities I participate in.  I feel like this is the beginning of a long journey but one that will be worth all the effort...

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Finding The Purpose Of Me

Before I went in to the hospital in January, I watched an Oprah Life Class (yes, I am huge fan) where she had Rick Warren on who wrote the book The Purpose Drive Life. I finally had a chance to pick up the book and I started to read  it last night.  It has a 40 day challenge where I will be reading one chapter per day for 40 days.  They are not particularly long chapters but there is a lot of thought that goes into each chapter. What I have planned to do is start this on Sunday, I will read the chapter, post the question and then give my answer to the question in my blog post. 

It won't be the only thing I blog about but I think this journey of 40 days that I am taking should be documented in someway.  I am sure I will have epiphanies as I go through each chapter and questioning some of my thought patterns. I want to find my purpose, get my life somewhat on track... I know I am not here to amass things, although nice... things do not fill me up.  If I can find my purpose, maybe I can find joy on a more constant basis. 

I have often heard the phrase that we are not given more than we can handle, which believe me... I question this when I am going through a particularly rough time. I don't handle all challenges well, I have been known to yell when I am tired of handling something difficult.  I feel guilty later when I know that other people are dealing with so much more on their plates than I am.  I am reminded daily though that I have been given challenges that I can and will overcome... I was not meant to fail, I was meant to succeed.  We were all meant to succeed, I think that is what we are afraid of more than anything else, succeeding.

When you succeed, people expect more... when I say people, I really mean me.  If I don't succeed, than not very much is expected from me... Except I know better, I expect better.... and mostly I deserve better. I am really looking forward to this journey for me, I read the first chapter but I am going to reread it on Sunday and start it more seriously then.  I think giving 40 days to really ponder, challenge and question myself to figure out my purpose is not a lot to ask of me. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Getting On Track

I have been thinking about how I need to get on a schedule with my blog, I have no rhyme or reason with the time right now and sometimes I post twice.  So although I may have a few blogs written ahead, since I write when the feeling strikes, I will just post one every morning before I go to work.  I haven't missed too many days since I decided to commit to writing more.  Also, I am going to play around with the design a bit this weekend to see if I can make it more streamline. 

It's a busy day for me tomorrow but a good busy, I am finally getting my hair cut and colored, yeah... I really need it, it has been 5 months or more.  I am doing a little pamper me day, then Valentina and I are going school supply shopping.  Then buy groceries and finally come home and relax.  I might try to squeeze Walmart in there too, I need a lot of little appliances. 

Then Sunday I plan to relax most of the day as I will be starting the cleanse on Monday and I want to be prepared.  I plan to pre-make my salad for a few days at a time, also large sauces that I can use on quinoa and rice.  I want to learn to make a few tasty bean dishes, if there are any...lol.  I think I am going to feel free from social media too, I know I will miss the contact but I will use the phone a little more.  I am actually going to throw in stop watching TV for the 90 days.  I may only watch  2 hours a day but that is 2 hours that I can do more important things.

So I am going to be more active and present in my life, with eating healthier, giving up TV and social media and with exercising.  I will be a very busy girl who won't have time to dwell on the past.  I will be moving forward everyday, I am looking forward to that the most.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I'm Going On A Journey

Today I thought I need to change some things in my life, some big things, some small things.  This got me thinking how I need to go on a journey, one of myself. I have decided that dating is off the table for me for at least one year.  One year of not even thinking about it, not trying to engage in it.  I am just going to be with myself this year.  I am going to get to know myself better in that I am going to try to figure out what makes me, me? 

I'm going back to the beginning, the first memories I had with my mom, then onward through the years of Ruth.... I want to see if I can find the moment in my past that I felt I didn't deserve to be loved?  When did that happen?  It certainly shaped me, allowed me to accept less as I felt I only deserved less. 

I am hoping this journey will finally give me a small understanding as why I have accepted so little and expected even less.  I am thankful my oldest Andrea did not take on that weakness of mine, I am hoping Valentina will not, this time I am taking the time to really figure out why I behave the way that I do.

I know I have overcome a lot of challenges in my life and became better because of them but there are weaknesses inside of me that I really want to change and I think I won't be able to make those changes until I can figure out what it is that had me thinking so little of myself.

Along this journey, I have also decided to finally do something about my weight, first I am going to look into getting into a running club, I am just going to make the time.  I think it will be therapeutic for me and it will help me to feel stronger so I can start doing even more things I thought I would or could never do.

My eating habits have become lazy lately... really unbearable for me when I was eating so very healthy for 6 months and then I just let it go.  So now I am thinking of doing a 30 day cleanse again.  I am also going to get into a yoga class to teach myself to breathe, this next year I am taking care of myself.

I have chosen Monday August the 6th as the day I start.  I will have time to research the yoga and running club places and I will be able to get my kitchen ready.  I am going to measure and weigh myself and I will start keeping up with this on a weekly basis.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield