Joy Comes Through Forgiveness

I had to come back to update here... the most important thing that happened this week was that my daughter Andrea had her second child, a girl... she was born on Monday night, her name is Arianna and she is adorable... I am now a Glama nana twice over... I have two beautiful grandchildren to love now... Jackson is a wonderful big brother... I wish I could be there for all of them... hopefully in the near future <3

I have been behind in posting a new blog, first I was super busy with getting all my steps in each day... then Saturday came along and I went to a funeral, I didn't know the man very well ... I went to support someone else... but it is never easy attending functions like this... Then Sunday (today), I spent the better part of my day at church... it was what I needed.

I heard something that really resonated with me about forgiveness, I truly am a person that believes that forgiveness is the only way to free ourselves... I have talked about this many times. I have pondered and thought deeply about the subject because I don't like holding hatred or mean thoughts in my heart for someone as I know that it only hurts me. More often than not, the other person could care less if I forgive them... it is more about freeing myself.

I think about my ex stepmother Ruth who physically and emotionally abused me and my sisters... I was able to forgive her... and Andrey my ex husband who raped me... I forgave him... Today, I knew that although I have talked about forgiving another person that has gone out of her way to hurt me on numerous occasions, I had not truly forgiven her. I held on to my bad feelings for her because no matter how much I had tried to move forward, I kept hearing about how she dislikes me and talks poorly about me. She is one of my biggest challenges and one that I plan to overcome.

Regardless of how she feels about me, I cannot continue to have bad feelings towards her... I have to truly forgive her... I can't begin to explain how hard that is going to be for me. From what I have been told, she feels I am trying to hurt her when that is the farthest thing from my mind... it is not in my heart to even think that way. However; she doesn't know me or she would not think that of me...

One thing I learned today was that of course Heavenly Father forgives us all for the mistakes and judgements we make... because He does, I have to do the same. Frankly no matter what I do or say, this woman isn't going to like me and not forgiving her is only holding me back. Once I truly forgive her for everything she has done to hurt me is when I will be free and she will not have a hold over me any longer.

It is a day I look forward to... I Tweeted the other day how I am not going to let one person diminish the fact that there are many people who think I am wonderful... that is her issue... not mine. Today reinforced that for me even more, almost like an answer to how I was going to forgive her?... Heavenly Father has already forgiven her, I need to extend the same to her, whether or not she moves on from her bad feelings towards me, it is not my issue to worry about any longer.

I truly hope one day that she sees her own worth and realizes that continuing to find ways to hurt me because of her own insecurities, is not the way for her to have joy. I have realized that holding on to bad feelings for her is not the way for me to have joy... besides I know my worth and I am happy to say that I deserve good things and good people in my life... maybe one day she will know that she deserves the same.

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Radiate From The Inside Out

First I walked 4 miles today... it should be 22 miles for the week when I get my second weigh in tomorrow morning.  I'm SO excited... I know the numbers won't always be as good at the first week but it's going to feel amazing to get that first big amount off.

I can't be believe that one week ago I was avoiding walking like it was the plague... Eating the worst food and whining that I couldn't get motivated.  All I can say is Heavenly Father saw into my heart and gave me a way to start.  The contest, Valentina and I getting healthy together and the third reason will be a secret for now.

Let's just say all three of these have given me the motivation to succeed.  Valentina is learning slowly, she is resigned to the fact that we're walking... she didn't even argue tonight.  Besides she got to play at the big playground tonight (more exercise for her).

TV has become a thing of the past... I might watch an hour per week... I couldn't be happier... I also talked to a friend from church and in July I'm going to organize a walking/running club where we can get partners to walk/run with.. The more we have others involved the more successful we will all be...

I want to see us supporting each other... even in the blog world.. Joy from Starting With Myself, and Janice from Fitness Cheerleader and everyone who is fighting the hard fought battle of losing excess weight and just getting healthy.  We we be successful, let's encourage each other as well, let's get out there and motivate others.

My mission is to love my body, curves and all.  I want to be happy with myself so that I will radiate from the inside out... I know that I've been inspired so that I will inspire others... pass it on... I'm filled with gratitude!

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Only Need To Give Love

I am of infinite worth, I deserved to be loved by my David, my David deserved to be loved by me.
We both had to know that,  for us to have worked, not just one of us.  I needed to remember that I am of infinite worth and I deserve to be loved. David doesn't have to love me for me to know that, I had to know that for myself. I have felt that before but not like I did tonight, I actually had chills from it.

I was reading a blog by a young woman that is a daughter of my very good friend from church which is titled Laura plus Jeremy: Our Little Life Together.  I was so moved by her honesty and openness about how she felt inadequate but that she had been touched by a very inspiring talk by one of our church members who talked about how we just needed to love Heavenly Father, love ourselves and don't compare ourselves to others. We are all deserving of infinite love, all the things we pick apart about ourselves is to keep us from remembering that Heavenly Father loves us, we should love ourselves and we should stop wondering if or why someone has it better or worse than us.

 Which only causes us to forget that we all deserve better and we shouldn't let the things we play in our head over and over, that somehow we are not good enough, for reasons we come up with where we think we don't deserve to be loved and from things we have been told throughout our lives by other people we know or have known.

I have not heard affirming affirmations most of my life... I have usually heard degrading things. Well as an adult I know they are not true but whenever I allow my mind to dwell on those thoughts, I am not allowing myself to see that I do deserve infinite love.  Just like we all do... Laura's blog so inspired me. I am seeing things from a different point of view, it is like I have done a one hundred and eighty degree turn.

I wanted, or rather I needed to write this tonight because I know the day may come that I will have a bad day where I allow my thoughts to dwell in those inadequate feelings,  I wanted this written blog post to remind me that they are not true.  They cannot be real if I don't give them part of my mind to dwell in... I am not even sure I can convey how much of an amazing feeling I had understanding this concept.

I am going to talk about something that I don't normally talk about because I do not like to come of as preachy.  I believe we all have the right to believe what we believe and that we should be respected for our beliefs.  I don't judge other people and I love all people, no matter what religion they are.

So when I read Laura's blog, I really felt the truth that Heavenly Father loves me, Jesus Christ loves me, I don't have to be perfect for Him to love me, I just have to be working at being a better me, a more loving and a nonjudgmental me.  I think I have come a long way in that department and for this I am grateful.

I am hoping I didn't come of too preachy because that is just not how I live my life, I am grateful for my knowledge and I believe strongly in my Faith but that doesn't mean I would profess to tell another how to live.  It is not my place to judge another, it is only my place to love.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Not An Accident

We walk away from our dreams afraid that we may fail or worse yet afraid we may succeed.

The second chapter of 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren was easy for me to agree with as I already believe that I am not an accident and neither is anyone else.  I have always believed that you have the children you are destined to have, with the people you have them with.  I never believed a child to be illegitimate because their parents were not married, like Rick states, maybe the parents are illegitimate but not the children.

I cried when I listened to the message on the internet that comes along with it after I read the second chapter.  He stated how God never stops loving me, no matter what... he may not be pleased with some of my decisions but He is always there for me.  He never turns away from me, it is I who have walked away....  I know that not all people believe in 'God' per say but whatever it is that you believe in... a higher being... I just can't believe that this Earth was created by accident, it was made perfectly for us.

 

The reason I cried was because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and yet I continually walk away from him when I am disappointed or sad or angry... and I am amazed every single time when I turn back towards Him and see that He is always there.  I love my children and I don't believe there is anything they could do for me not to love them and yet they can drive me a little crazy.  Mostly because I can see their potential and it is frustrating when they don't believe in themselves.  Much like God or your higher power that can see the potential in us and we fail to see what He sees in us.  It must be frustrating for Him too. 

I have been very emotional for the past couple of weeks, I think because I have to think about and deal with things I don't want to... I am usually able to keep myself busy but being home has made it much more challenging ... and studying this book is only making me more emotional, which I did not think was possible... but it is.  I think it is good though, I am finally dealing with some things that I didn't want to because they were too painful... to sad.

I had an a-ha moment which really made me really emotional, one that I can't share right now because I need to share it with someone first, than I will post it here later.  Suffice to say that even though I had the a-ha moment, it doesn't make it any easier, it is still sad, still difficult to handle.  See.. even when you know the right thing to do, it doesn't make it any easier, even though it should....

I am only two days into this forty days, if I am feeling like this now... I am wondering how I will feel in forty days... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

It's Not About Me





Wow, I have read my first chapter of 'The Purpose Driven Life', it is only five pages long, however; there is a 45 minute video that you watch after you read.  This 40 days that I have committed to is not a quick thing I will be doing.  I have decided that I will choose to watch the video and read the chapter in the morning and then I will think about it through the day and I will blog in the evening...

The first thought or point to ponder is "It's not about me"...  I truly believe this, I know I have tried to make it about me several times in my life by thinking what should I do with my life?  What are my goals?  What are my dreams?  Although I believe having goals and dreams are good things to have in my life... otherwise I founder with no purpose.  Instead of thinking what should I do with my life?  I need to think "What does God want me to do with my life?

I am a Christian, I believe in God... I respect everyone's opinions, I don't force my opinions on anyone else.  I have always been one of those people who does not feel comfortable talking about God with just anyone since I didn't want people thinking I was being pushy or that I know more than they do.  I am not embarrassed to believe in my faith, I have not always been open about it.... especially when I was living the complete opposite of what I believed in, I never wanted the church to be judged on my actions.

Whenever it is brought up, I am honest, I tell people I am a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints (LDS).  I usually ask them not to judge the church by me, I realize that because my life has not gone the way that I wanted it to go that I turned away and basically said 'okay, if I can't have what I want, I will live however I feel like living'.  This makes me wonder how committed I am?  I made this about me and it's not...

This chapter and video reminded me that I was not born to have life my way, I was born to give love, compassion and kindness.  My Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, he wants all of us to find joy and honestly the only way for me to have happiness and joy is serve and love other people.  If I serve, I will be able to stop centering on myself and what I feel I lack... and what do I feel that I lack?  Love... That's pretty self centered of me as I know there are many people who love me... I wanted things my way and in my time and I didn't care about what God might have wanted for me.

I sometimes even thought why does so and so have what I want and they don't appreciate it?  I thought just give me what I want, I will be grateful, I will appreciate it.  Would I though?  or would I be ungrateful and looking for the next thing I want... Besides, who am I to judge anyone on whether they are grateful enough for what they have?  I can only judge myself and not others, it's not about me.

After reading and pondering this chapter, I realize I have been centered on what I want for me ... which I recognize is a bit selfish. I do want to preface this to say that I think it is okay to have goals and dreams for ourselves, I just don't think that I should be so locked into them that I don't see the opportunities that I have to serve and love others.  To have a purpose driven life is to know that it's not about me...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Magnificent Gifts Await Us

So often when things change in our lives, we have such a resistance to the change. This is because when people see a big change appearing they are often fearful that it is something bad. But it is important to remember that when something big changes in our lives, it means something better is coming. There cannot be a vacuum in the Universe, and so as something moves out, something must come in and replace it. When change comes, relax, have total faith, and know that the change is ALL GOOD.

Something more magnificent is coming to you!

May the joy be with you,

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... bringing joy to billions

I not only follow many blogs on a very regular basis, I also have many emails sent to me that are uplifting quotes, thoughts and ideas.  One of them is from Rhonda Byrne (The Secret)... I love the paragraph above, it says exactly what I have been thinking and pondering about lately... That foolish fear that stops me in my tracks and keeps me from progressing.  2013 is the year for me to push past this, I am going to make it to the other side of my fear, I want to see what is there.

So I am getting to the end of this month and I have pretty well kept my goal to write every day.  I was late by 5 minutes one night, I didn't get home until 11:00 pm.  Another night the power went off but I just posted twice the next day.  Now I am going to see what I am made of, I am going to attempt to have 7 days worth of posts set up to be released every day while I am in the hospital and recuperating.  I have been a procrastinator for too many years, always trying to do every thing at the last moment.  I usually get through it but I don't think that is the best way to live.

You know what I can't wait for, that magnificent thing that is waiting on the other side of my fear... I am going to immerse myself in the change... instead of fearing it.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

More Of This Please‏

"Every time you appreciate something; every time you praise something; every time you feel good about something, you are telling the Universe: "MORE OF THIS, PLEASE!" You need never make another verbal statement of this intent and, if you are mostly in a state of appreciation, all good things will flow to you."
- Esther Abraham-Hicks

I appreciate my children, they are wonderful, caring, kind and loving girls.  Although I am not speaking to my oldest daughter at the moment (her choice, not mine), I think of her daily.  I pray for her and her beautiful family.  My youngest is so soft hearted she loves me, sometimes more than I feel I deserve.

 I am grateful for my friend Cindy who has always been there for me, even though I'm sure I've frustrated her on many occasions over our many years of being friends. She amazes me with her love for children, she rarely tires of them with their endless chatter and bountiful energy.  She has so much patience with them, especially with my Valentina.  I credit Cindy with giving her a strong foundation. 

I am so thankful for my close friendship with David. Although it has been a really tough year for both of us, he has been there for me and centered me when most people would have given up on me. I pushed the envelope with him on countless occasions, almost pushing him totally away but thankfully we remain as close as ever. I so desperately want to be there for him as he is and has been there for me.  I adore how much my David  loves his children, he's an amazing daddy!

I love that quote at the top of the page, I'm going to take every free moment that I have, praising the people in my life, being endlessly grateful for each of them.  I want the universe and my Heavenly father to know that I want more of these people in my life.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Long Hard Road And Me

This past 10 days or so have been one epiphany after another, sometimes good, sometimes difficult, mostly eye opening.  I have such a bad track record with men, they have either been men who have be mean or abusive or men that are emotionally incapable of taking the next step forward.

I guess that says a lot about me, I keep choosing these men. Do I like a challenge?  Or more likely I lack self esteem:(.   I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix that default in me; however, I suppose I wouldn't learn the lesson I so desperately need to learn to get to the next level. 

It seems as humans that we always want the easy way out.  Life throws us one curve after another and instead of learning the lesson we become angry, sad and despondent. 

This makes the lesson so much harder to learn and if truth be known, if we don't learn it there, we will have to learn it down the road eventually. This is hard for me since I seem to think I know what's best for me.

I rarely know what's best for me and usually what I fight against ends up being the best thing for me.  I just always have to take the long hard road and I sincerely want to take the easier path.  It's about time that I learn to trust that God/Universe knows what I need.

I need to start somewhere, I need to trust, even if just a little.  I might be pleasantly surprised.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Just Hold On

I was at a loss for words tonight, if you know me that's saying a lot.  I joke around and say I can carry on a conversation for two people, lol.  I do love to talk, I do however listen just as well.

Anyhow, my best friend told me that he felt God had abandoned him.  That makes me sad, I know that's not true since Heavenly Father cannot take away another persons free agency.  Unfortunately it looks like good people are suffering and people that do wrong to others seem to prosper.

It only seems that way, ultimately good will win over wrong.  It's just a matter of time.  I understand how disheartening it can be, I also see that it sometimes seems we are given too much to handle when we are sure we will break.

It's just when we are almost sure we will break that we need to hold on, things always get better.  I'm living proof of that, I'm glad I've never given up totally.  I've had some really rough patches in my life, I've rarely felt abandoned by God, I however, have turned away from Him when things don't work out on my time.

I'm stubborn, tenacious, I learn the hard way. I forget that sometimes what I want is outside of His control, it's in another persons hands.  I often wonder why I just can't relax and say, okay...  I'm willing to have faith that everything will work out, it always does.

My point to this whole post was that God never turns from us, He does not abandon us, He loves us.  Sometimes it seems that there is too much darkness but the light always comes. 

I am praying for people who feel so overwhelmed and burdened with life, everybody needs a little good here and there.  We also need to try to remember some of those good times when life is difficult. That's one of the hardest tests, I've failed in the past but I'm trying again.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Love Can Heal Hate

I read this quote and instantly fell in love with it.  I am wondering how I missed it in the past?  I am sure other people have seen it before.  Makes me question where I've been, lol.  Oh well, I've read it finally and I think it is one amazingly true quote. I'm in awe of Martin Luther King Jr,  he was one amazing man

I'm going to see if I  can find it on line so that I can pin it on Pinterest and I also want to put it on my vision board.  I have an online vision board that I love but I always have to rely on other people to fix it. I have a cork board and I am making one to go on my wall in the living room.  I'm going to get a smaller one for my bedroom too.

Once I've made them, I'm taking pictures for my blog. I'm kind of excited; I can finally put exactly what I want on it not what other people think I should have there. I'm really grateful for my daughter Andrea who made my beautiful board in the past but I do need to change it up.

Martin Luther King Jr. is so right, the only way that we can overcome darkness is to bring light into it. Everyone wants to know why Heavenly Father doesn't stop people from suffering? Because, that would be taking away our free agency.  We are the ones who need to stand up for each other. We cannot expect God to fix everything for us.

We need to love each other and we most definitely need to stop judging each other.  Not one of is perfect on this earth.   When we judge we show how  illiterate we are, or how much we think it's okay when it is NOT okay. I really wish we remembered that love is the way and what will bring us the most happiness.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield