The Light Always Shows Through In Time

It's been awhile since I blogged, I was hoping to come back with a little positive news... I saw my doctor, she prescribed a medication that has side effects I am not fond of, it makes me groggy all the time and it makes me dizzy... which is not good while working, I end up being a little loopy. It's only been about a week and a half, I know medications take time to work, so I am giving it a chance. ... I am not feeling hopeful as the pain has not lessened in my legs at all... if anything there is more pain.

Friday I took a vacation day and pampered myself by getting my hair cut and colored, it has been a long time... it took them seven hours (it's a school) ... I got some more purple in my hair and got a root touch up, plus fixed what I did while I didn't go to a professional... I won't wait so long in between, it normally doesn't take them that long. It feels good to have it done, it makes a difference, it gives me a boost. I plan to get an updated picture this week, once I do my make up and have my friend over to take the picture.

Even though I think things feel bleak at the moment for my health, I am trying to stay hopeful... maybe these pills won't work but something else might... I want to thank everyone who reached out to me, either through the blog, email or messenger. One person gave me hope as she went through something similar quite a few years ago. It took awhile but her doctor figured out what the issue was and she was able to get her health back, along with her life.

Our spring is just around the corner, or at least we hope it is... there still seems to be a little more snow on the way but I know the spring will be here before we know it and winter will be a distant memory... although it is painful to walk, I am going to walk a little each day, even if it is only for 10 minutes ... despite not feeling like it, I don't want to stop moving completely. I've seen people who have given up, I find they just get worse... I don't want that to happen to me.

I was talking to a friend of mine in Australia and I told her that I felt like I was being selfish because the pain I have been dealing with is all that I can think of or talk about... she was kind enough to tell me that she didn't feel I was being selfish and that it was human nature to focus on ourselves when we are in pain... it made me think how there have been so many times in my life that different types of pain have taken over my life... when I was raped I wondered if I would ever see the good in men and trust them again... I did. Then losing 'him' I wondered if I could love again ... it took me a long time but I think I could.

Pain has a way of making us selfish, I think it's a way of protecting ourselves at times... at others, I feel like it helps us to look inwards to find answers... it ends up showing us that we are stronger than we think we are, we learn that no matter how difficult emotional or physical it is... there is a way through...  I always hold on to that in my toughest times, it might seem dark and that there is no way through... but the light always shows through in time...


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The Light Within That Leads Me

After I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt burned out and so I just stopped reading and commenting on blogs for almost a week... I would read one or two and then stop. After a week I really missed everyone and couldn't wait to catch up, I pulled up my blog list and I had over 150. I had to be selective if I was ever going to get on top of it... Last night I caught up, it felt good... we all need breaks from time to time, it was good for me. As I was reading many of my followers blogs they too were echoing my sentiments and making decisions to cut back... we seemed to be on the same wave length. 

I didn't do a lot but relax and think... I also read many of my older posts, which had me thinking about how far I have come but how far I still had to go... Many challenges I have overcome, others are still controlling me... It made me realize that I cannot just overcome something and think that was it, when I choose to think it's as simple as that, I fail and have to relearn the lesson. For myself I have had a defeatist attitude in the past when I had to go through the same challenge.

I thought about what was gained by having that attitude? Since the truth is that I am able to get through the challenges given to me, even though I may doubt myself time and time again. It has never been that I cannot overcome a trial, the question has always been if I wanted to?  I don't think we choose our trials but I know we choose how and if we deal with them... I have been a master of ignoring them, burying them and defending myself against them... Until I decide to face it, the issue continues to return. I read a blog yesterday where the writer explained how they were tired of trying to overcome their trials, that the pain was too much... this person has been through a great deal, however; I don't think giving up is the answer.

I say this as I know from past experience that deep pain that doesn't seem to allow light in has been a part of my past. I am sure a great deal of us have been there... some of us are better at dealing with it, I always seem to take the long road through the darkness, until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel... it's only after I get there that I realize the tunnel was the illusion, not the light. I fail to understand why I cannot remember that when I am going through the next challenge... because there will always be another challenge. It's not easy to elevate ourselves over our human nature that continues to doubt.

I have to continue to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing, it's not true, I am learning... because each failure is teaching me something. I have to be open to learning it so that I can move forward to the next one. For me disappointment is one of the most difficult things to get past, there is a constant reminder of what could have been... I know looking back isn't good, hence this is why I have been moving forward but it doesn't always stop the sad feelings...

 

I have a chance for some big changes, I am aligning myself with them... although they may be extremely challenging, I feel these ones will be worth it... I have been wanting to do things that I have not have had the time to do... there is a good possibility I will have the opportunity to have the time I need... I would be grateful for any and all good thoughts ... once I know more I will write about it... I am letting the light from within me lead me...

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Believing In The Light I Couldn't See

I have been really busy for the past couple of weeks, I realized I had the opportunity to get to a milestone that I never thought was possible when I was looking over my stats on Fitbit and noticed that if I was willing to go all out and walk as often as possible that I might be able to reach 600 miles in three months... and I did it with a day to spare. From July 1st until September 30th I walked over 607 miles, 126 hours of that time was active exercise and I ended up with more than 1,200,000 steps.

I was thrilled when I reached the milestone for many reasons, one because I proved to myself that I could do it, two I proved that age is not a factor if you put all your effort into it and three I removed many excuses out of my life to achieve the goal. There were mornings I thought about just hopping on a bus, misty days I thought about staying home and days where I thought what's a couple of days off going to hurt?... Each time an excuse came up I brushed them off and just walked... do you know what? I don't regret one moment of the steps I took, not one... each one made me feel healthier and stronger. 

What is my next goal? With the cooler months approaching I am going to have to use every available good weather moment to exercise and I have started strength training... I am new to it, so it will take a little time to get comfortable, nothing new feels easy right away, eventually I will be a pro at that too... I have stopped looking for excuses to give up and I just started doing. I think one of the best slogans is the Nike one that said 'Just Do It'... there is nothing more simple and more true.

Am I trying to say it is easy? Not at all... I think we have to work hard to keep getting better, at least for me there is one excuse after another that I could come up with to validate why I can't stay on this path but none of them are true or good excuses. It is funny how I spent so much time talking myself out of doing when it was far less effort to just do it... What I gained more than anything from this was finding out how cathartic exercise really is, whenever something tough or emotional would come up, I would walk and it gave me time to think things through and clear my head. 

 

This was especially true with the last part of September being an anniversary that could have pulled me down if I let it, instead I walked the pain of that anniversary away... I was a little melancholy but I dealt with it in a really good way... I did not give into the sadness. There are more of these days on the way but that was one of the worst ones and if can get through that one, I can get through the other ones... at least the other ones are not nasty painful ones, just good memories that became sad... We all have those, finding out that life doesn't always turn out the way it should or the way we expected....

You know what I learned from the horrible challenge I had to deal with the last two years? I became incredibly grateful for all the trials that I made it through before that one... because each one of those trials was building me stronger to make it through the most difficult one. I knew there was a light even though I couldn't see it, I held onto that... that little bit of Faith and Hope... Trials are a little like exercise, it doesn't necessarily feel good while you are going through it but ultimately it makes you stronger...

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One Year Later I Can See The Light...

One year ago today, I woke up like any other day and I headed off to work, little did I know that it would end up being a defining day of my life. Some of those so called defining moments are the worst ones to bear, even when everyone tells me it will all work out for the best.  You all might be right, I still don't see it that way yet but I also don't see it the way I did that day.

That day I had to leave work early because my emotions were all over the place, when a client called in, I ended up bursting into tears... I quickly messaged someone that I had to leave, I looked for my quickest exit and I barely made it to the door before I was sobbing beyond control.  I walked a fair distance to catch the bus so that I could get my emotions under check. Still I sobbed on the bus, then at home... that was the night I stopped sleeping for nine long months.

The roller coaster of that day never really got better, it actually was worse... I just learned to deal with the ups and downs... mostly downs. I keep looking for the good in all of this, I have yet to find it... I know that doesn't sound positive and uplifting... But I have never been one to pretend everything is okay, when it's not...

However; saying all this, I have moved on from that day, I finally started to sleep about three months ago, which was a blessing... I have NO idea how I functioned on so little sleep?  I never want to do that again. Also, I don't cry most of the day anymore, which is so much better. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel but I held on when I couldn't see it because I KNEW it was there.

I think we all have defining moments in our lives that could totally tear our foundation apart and that day was one of those days for me... Somehow, I held it together and I came through. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be emotionally, I never thought I would have come as far as I did.  Yes, I still have a way to go but at least I am on the right path now... for nine months I wasn't anywhere, I was in limbo... and that is not a place to live.

If I could change that day, would I?  I would if I could but of course I can't... instead I have to keep living with the fallout ... just keep moving forward. Even when I don't see the whole picture yet, the light is enough to keep me there until I can see the full picture.

I hope when I look back on that day in a year or two, I will see that everything happened the way it should have... for now I will continue to hold on to the light I can see because for nine months I couldn't even see that...

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I Like The View Of The Path I Am On

I have been having a rough road for the past 8 months, last week being one of the most rough ones, next to the first week or two right after... I had some times tougher than I have ever had.  I lost a great deal which was harder than I ever thought possible. The pain was greater than every other pain combined.

Then I started feeling a shift within myself the last few posts and how I could really feel so many people hoping, wishing, praying that I find happiness... joy... peace.  I realized with that many people wanting this for me, that I would be able to get through the dark tunnel I was in.  Lo and behold I have started coming out of it.

I know it took believing I could get through and honestly I didn't believe it for myself, not until the many, many heart felt comments that have either been emailed to me, placed on my blog, Twittered....  I could really feel that the good energy was out there, I am completely grateful for that ... I needed people to believe in me when I was having a hard time believing in myself.

It all changed on a dime and I can see that light now that alluded me for so long ... along the way though I lost touch with my very best friend. Also, I found out that although I had always been honest and open, that others I have known have not always been as open with me.  I know that I live my life with wild abandon and I have wonderful times... then it also flips to some of the hardest times... Although this last one was very long, almost unbearable, I feel like I might be able to say it was worth it for what I gained.

This last year I gained myself back, I had lost me.... not sure I had ever really known me.   Once I started to lose the weight, it also helped me to see things in a different light... I have written about this before but it needs to be said again, I learned to love myself where I was, I gained a confidence that I had never had before.  I know I still have some work to do with that but at least I am on the way.  If tonight is any indication to what is to come, I have to say I like the view of the path I am on... The light is starting to shine through ♥

(I won't be able to respond to everyone until Saturday, I have an activity planned tomorrow but I cannot wait to catch up with everyone...)

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Taking A Leap Away From Fear

It's funny and not funny haha... funny strange how the smallest thing can turn me around and bring me back to where I need to be... Here is the whole thing, I have been afraid, simply afraid.... I have no other words for what I was going through.  It's why I couldn't sleep, why I cried so much, why I felt lost...I felt hopeless and weighed down...  Fear does that to us, roots us to the spot and making a step in any direction is paralyzing....

At least that is how I see it from my eyes when I am filled with fear, I FINALLY took a leap instead of a step an honestly it was the best leap I ever took...  My fear was just that a fear, I turned away from it last night and I gained a lot of strength today knowing I was being held back because of my thoughts.  Those thoughts are so overpowering... once I saw that the fear was nothing more than my thoughts... I turned away from them and I became honest with myself and with the people close to me.

Guess what I got, love... I felt like the darkness was lifted and a light was finally able to shine in...  and all I had to do was push the fear down and take a leap.  I know, you are saying... that's all?... that's scary... You bet it was, I was shaking, barely breathing, crying... I felt this enormous pain.  The fear kept saying, don't do it, do you really want to know?  What if the outcome is exactly what I had been telling myself?  What if I changed everything, how would I deal with that?  I was positive I would be crushed, not wanting to get out of bed....

All because I thought it was better not to know... now instead of berating myself over not dealing with it head on, I am grateful that I finally took the plunge.  I was wrong, I like that I was wrong here... it doesn't matter to me how long it took for me to get here... it only matters that I arrived here. I am sure I will have ups and downs... that is a part of life.  what is very important about this one is that regardless of what happens down the road, I know the truth and nothing can change that... that makes me smile.

What finally got me to this point?  Two young women who are fighting anorexia... they both commented on my blog and when I read their stories, I saw myself in them, minus the anorexia (my eating is the opposite... over eating).  Regardless, I realized that I was using food and other substitutes to handle getting through the day... but I wasn't handling, I was just getting through... These two young women are incredible and they both inspired me, so much so that I was able to see a light in my darkness.  I am praying for these two women that they will see the light too... They are two very strong people as well as gifted writers, they have a no hold back type blog (the best kind as far as I am concerned).

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning The Light On My Pain

I read  a blog called scribbles from the ether that touched me today, Katie the author of the blog had left a sweet comment on mine, I always reciprocate and read the persons blog... and leave a comment thanking them.  I was drawn in immediately with her candid and open honesty... I connect well with people like that as I am the same way.  The last paragraph resonated with me, it gave me an answer to some issues I have been dealing with.  I have what she called an abusive relationship, hers is anorexia... how she used to feel it was her twin but how she now saw that no matter how much she might love her twin, she could see it as being much more abusive than helpful now that she is going through recovery.

She is right that the light or the good feelings that you get from the abusive relationship you are in (drinking, drugs, food... etc) end up being slivers compared to the pain and damage these relationships actually end up bringing.  I never really thought about it this way but her post clicked with me, I understood more that anything I do to myself to make me feel better and actually ends up hurting me more in the long run... needs to be eliminated from my life.  The small amount of good feelings that come from attempts at making myself happy through these things are just not worth it anymore. 

I know I am not writing it nearly as eloquently as she did, Katie was just being truthful about her addiction with anorexia and how she keeps herself from going back down that road daily... she remembers that although it felt good to have control, the side effects were not worth it ultimately. It doesn't start out that way, it starts out feeling good most of the time but than it slowly feels less and less good... That is the way it is with many addictions we hold onto in life, mine is overeating... or more precisely eating the wrong things...

I want to be on the healing side of that addiction, the first step is seeing that although the food I eat may be tasty and might bring me comfort at the time.... it ends up being a burden carrying the extra weight around, that doesn't feel good at all.  I have to have a relationship with food but I need to get into the healthy side of that one... I needed to read what she wrote because it turned a light on inside me that I am looking forward to keeping turned on more often today and in the future....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Slices Of Light

I think of my yesterdays
Remembering specific feelings
Standing in the dark
Wondering if I would see or feel the light

Suddenly, I feel the light before I see it
My insides are bursting with happiness
Everything seems clear
All the questions I had, finally answered

I feel safe standing in the light with you
Nothing is jumbled, it's bright
Brighter than I have ever seen or felt
I'm not afraid

Then the dark is back
Maybe the light was never real
Only in my imagination
I lay curled in my bed

Trying to sleep
The feelings all still three
Never going away
They were real, the light was real

Today I sometimes wish it was a dream
I could dismiss it all
Remembering slices of light
Only remind me I am back in the dark

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Seeing The Light Eventually

I spent my whole Saturday busy with Valentina and cleaning.  First, I didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time Friday night.  Second I went to an Easter egg hunt with Valentina on Saturday morning. The third thing was cleaning, laundry, dishes and a total re-do of my bedroom. Thankfully a friend came over and helped me clean and organize my room... I was so exhausted I just passed out after she left.

My emotions are on a rollercoaster... I'm agitated and snappy or I'm crying.  My friend said that it is normal with everything I have handled for the past year or so.  She explained that grief and loss can take two years or more to get through.  Most people think I should just be over it... so I hide it, let people think I'm okay... when sometimes I'm just not.  I almost feel like I don't have the right to be sad ... but I do.  

If I don't allow myself to be sad occasionally ...  I will forever sabotage any growth possibility.  I need to be able to cry, maybe if I let myself cry... I'll finally be able to heal.  I really think the answer to dealing with pain is head on, I need to cry, be angry or whatever else it takes to get through the loss.  Why do people think that getting over losing someone or a dream is easy?  Why are people afraid to let other people grieve in their own time?  There are people who think I should just take a pill to heal myself but I don't think that's the answer... that just masks the pain and I never end up actually dealing with it. 

 

I was reading Mastin Kipp's blog The Daily Love today and I read this paragraph:

 

The metaphor of today is exciting and a reminder that no matter how dark it might seem, no matter what we might be going through, the sun will rise again and we will be reborn stronger, wiser and with greater insight than we had before. 

 

I know that the day will come where I will be stronger and wiser... until that day comes, I will deal with my pain more openly.  That means no more hiding, no more covering, no more everything is fine when it isn't... That does not mean I will be a total downer, I have ups and downs like everyone but I cannot continue to pretend that everything is fine just to please others.  That also means that I am going to start a conversation that I am afraid to start but if I never start it, I will never know.

 

Dealing with loss and pain SUCKS, if it was easy, none of us would mind... it's not easy though.  I am doing this for me, even if it means I lose something I love very much... what is the use in loving something if I cannot love it openly.  There is no use in that, it only causes more pain down the road.

 

Once you see the light, you come to understand just how deeply in the dark you have been. ~ Amethyst Wyldfyre

 

This quote above reminds me that I have seen the light before on many things I was in the dark about... I will see the light about this too...

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

 

Just Enough Light

Amber May Be inspired my latest post with this quote she had on her blog it is one of our most difficult challenges in life, to keep taking that step forward when we are unable to see the outcome and we just have to trust... trust that the little light we are given will show us the right path.

I am one of those people that keeps trying to see ahead of the light.. instead of just having faith that the light knows the path.  There in lies my issues with trust, it seems that until I begin to actually trust that I am on the right path, going in the right direction I will never travel without fear of the unknown.

Trusting is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life... it comes from not being able to feel safe.  From the time I was a child being raised by my insane ex step mother... I wondered if all people had to deal with this but found out that this wasn't normal.  I know that I have not been the best mommy (mama)  but I definitely try to build trust and happiness into my relationship with my children... I want them to feel safe.

Unfortunately because of my trust issues... I continued along in my life making poor choices that led me down paths that were incredibly challenging.  Ones I wondered if I would ever escape from... finally I reconnected with my David and I actually felt safe... I felt like I was home.. I felt like I could really trust someone.  Then everything fell apart with us too... we ended up being just 'friends'. 

When I read Amber's blog and saw this quote... I realized that I needed to trust in myself... trust that I am on the path I am meant to be on and that I will take baby steps to keep following the path.  Maybe it's because I am older and I understand that truthfully, we don't always know what is best for us... sometimes I just need to put my foot forward and believe that the light knows the path better than I do.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥