Taking A Break To Get Balance

I have been thinking about this for a while, Thursday brought it front and center and I realized I have to change something in my life so that I can began to sleep a little more than the few broken hours that I get every night and that I have had for the past 7 months.

Since it is working hard on becoming Spring here, today was gorgeous... it gave me great hope that more days are on the way.  One of the things I want to do is work out more, I have been walking a great deal since my last post. I have walked over 12 miles, it has felt wonderful to get back out at it, I have lost a little speed but I am sure I will get it back soon.

I think exercising will help me relax and I want to spend more time getting organized as I am actively looking for a new place and I have people looking as well. I need to be prepared to move and not have excess baggage to weigh me down.  The older I get the more minimalistic I become.  I seriously want to get rid a good 50 percent of my stuff because I don't use it, it just takes up space and causes clutter.

I also want to spend a lot of quality time with Valentina, we have been cooking together, playing a board game here and there, watching a TV show together... It has been good but we need more of those days.  So I have already been around to many blogs where I left comments and emailed others to let you know that I have decided to take a blog break and a social media break starting Monday morning and I am not sure how long I will be gone.

I am going to miss you, I know I have missed messaging a few, I follow a lot of blogs and so many of you inspire me or leave me lovely comments on my blog.  Some of you I have come to know through other forms of social media and I have really loved connecting which I will be back to ... just as soon as I figure out how to get some sleep.

I am sure I will not know what to do with myself for a while, I usually wake up... have a shower and then read and comment on blogs... then more on the way to work, at lunch, on the way home... So I have decided to walk as much as I can and spend as much time as I can with Valentina.

I will still be answering emails so if anyone wants to say hi and let me know how you are doing you can email me here .  I have a little work to do and it involves spending a little time just meditating and not filling time up so that I don't have to think or deal.  Which only spills over into my life where I am unable to sleep... Let me tell you that I have gone without sleep many times in my life, having a baby is one of those times but a bit different as I napped whenever I could and I did get 4 hours strung together.

I rarely sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and sometimes 3 hours... That is not enough to really focus on work and being a parent, both of these need my full attention and when I don't sleep they are affected.  I hope when I come back it will be where I have a little more balance in my life ... with sleep being one of them.

I look forward to catching up with you when I get back, until then I will miss you... 

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Missing In Action

I've had the desire to write but first I had to write to someone.  It has been a very long time since I have sat down and wrote an actual letter by hand.  I wanted this to be personal, I seriously think we have became an impersonal society with all of our technology.  Instead of being thoughtful, we text out a quick sentence... it's wonderful that we have that ability but with that quickness we lose the meaning sometimes.

I have to admit it was taking me awhile since I seem to think so much quicker because I am continually taking in so much information all the time.   Like right this moment I am writing this and going back and forth reading notifications.  I'm not focused, I have been noticing this lately but I realized it more when I sat down to write that letter...

I had to turn everything off.. not an easy thing for me to do and I didn't know why.  Then writing that letter made me realize how I always try to keep it noisy, even when I sleep... I NEVER turn my phone off, that changes tonight... I often fall asleep with the TV... another thing to go.

That letter took a lot out of me emotionally... I wrote and rewrote it, it's finally done.  While writing it, I had no energy to write anything else... I had the desire but I was exhausted.

Tonight I was reading blogs and Dawn who writes Healing Morning wrote about meditation... it's the answer to what I need.  I'm starting this tonight and in the morning... I need to clear my mind, I need to make quiet time.  I know that when I do this, I will have a better start to my day, hopefully with less stress. 

It might help with my insomnia... it may have me focused in the morning.  I can see this being good for me.  I'm looking forward to that fifteen minutes or more... eventually I want it to be 30 minutes twice a day. An hour a day for myself seemed like a lot but I give those hours away so easily for unimportant things that I realized an hour a day for myself is a small thing to ask. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Taking A Step Back Can Be Good

I have been wanting to write all day after taking the night off last night.  I had parent teacher night where I met Valentina's new teacher... very sweet, you can tell she loves her students and she adores my Valentina, also she is doing so wonderfully in English and not struggling like she did when she was in French Immersion., so I am happy for her that she is excelling in school now.

I figured I would get up early and write but Cindy my best friend and sitter has been really ill lately and I have had to take Valentina to her house which means leaving at around six am to bus her up there and than me back down and out to work.  Sadly it looks as if Cindy will not be able to continue to care for my Valya, as she is so sick, She and I are going to work on finding someone else.  This is hard though, I want someone that loves Valentina as much as Cindy does and has the same values.

This is going to be so difficult for Cindy, Valentina and me, I always knew how blessed I was to have Cindy, I never ever took her for granted. She is the one that was there for me through all the craziness and supported me no matter how many bad choices I made.  I just want Cindy to be better and without pain.... no one should have to deal with that kind of pain...

So, after work today I had an appointment to cut Valentina's hair, her idea... not mine.  It turned out short but very cute. It will be much more manageable for her and besides her hair grows fast, we had wanted to donate her hair but you need at least ten inches and she only had eight to give.... We are keeping that hair in a pony with a ribbon and then I am going to box frame it.  The hair dresser even thought we had colored her hair because of the amazing natural high lights she has in her hair.  My daughter is nine... I do not color a nine year olds hair.  My oldest daughter Andrea has blonde hair with white blonde streaks that hair dressers always thought we did to her hair, they were always in awe when I explained it was natural.

I then went to buy groceries and I did not get home until after eight pm, I had to put her to bed and then finally could sit down and relax.  I did way too much today and my legs are letting me know it, I plan to rest them tomorrow afternoon as we have one more big activity, her school spring fling.  She loves it and she always has so much fun.

I need to simplify again, I don't like being busy every minute of the day... I want some downtime to rejuvenate me.  When I take a little more on than I can handle, I compensate by doing things like over eating, which is definitely not good for me.  The truth is that if I don't take care of me, no one else will.  I don't want to be a hermit in my house all the time by any means but I do like a night here and there without having to go somewhere after work.

The good thing about aging is that I don't stay in that state where I wear myself too thin trying to be everything to everyone.  It isn't possible, when I find that I am spinning a little out of control, I take a step back and start focusing on what is really important.  Eighty percent of what I think I need done can always wait and it is more than okay for me to say no when I am not capable of taking on one more thing.  I have really come to learn a great respect for someones time, that's one of the reasons if someone is driving me somewhere, I am waiting outside for them.  I don't expect them to wait a minute longer than necessary.. There are times it is good to take a step back and then more forward again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Life Is A Balancing Act

I spent the whole day with my Valentina, we went shopping together and for the most part had a really good day but the preteen took over my Valentina and she snapped at me twice at the store... I was not impressed, so much so that I told her everything would go back if she could not control her words.  She maintained herself for the rest of the day.  I did not forget so easily though, I didn't want to start a scene in public but when we got home, I explained how she had made me feel and that in the future I would not tolerate the behavior. 

She certainly has the right to vent and voice her opinion but she is not allowed to snap at me like that, I do not snap at her.  If I am speaking in a harder tone than normal, it is because she has acted or said something inappropriate, I don't just snap.  Yes I understand that she is nine but I am very cognitive of the fact that if I let m guard down, she will feel it is okay to be inappropriate. Luckily my Valentina is a very kind and loving individual but we all have our days.

Monday I am hoping to go sign up so that we can start exercising daily... I have been very exhausted lately, so much so that I just want to crawl into bed and sleep but of course insomnia kicks in and I don't have full night sleeps.  I know, this is why I am exhausted, I am not sure how to train my body to sleep through a whole night.  I used to be an amazing sleeper, I would put my head on a pillow and sleep all the way through until the morning. Ever since I took on two jobs and had very little time to sleep, my body forgot how to sleep.

Even now when I only work one job and I rarely do overtime here either... but my body has never recovered from working so many hours at so many jobs.  Just because we can work like that, doesn't mean we should... I value my time now, if I do work a few extra hours here and there, I book time off instead of requesting the money.  I love my job but we all need time for ourselves, something always gives if we don't give enough time for us.

I am watching David do that right now, he is basically doing two jobs right now, he has very little time for himself.  Thankfully this will only last a few more weeks than he can take some time off for himself. I know that David loves his career, he is very dedicated and gives a hundred percent to his job but there has to be a balance.  I learned that about five years ago when I started my new job, I had left a job where I was working sixty five plus hours a week.

It felt good to slow down and relax, I guess that is why I guard my time so much now, I appreciate the quite times I have to just read or write.  I also realized that all the hours I put in for overtime, didn't really mean all that extra money, a lot of it went to taxes.... so I wasn't really winning there.  What I gained from all that was I didn't take care of myself and today I am still paying for it all with the insomnia...

I just need to get my life under some sort of balance... not that it stays there but at least I want to be putting out the effort.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning It Around

I'm in the mood to write poetry and even though the word poetry sounds flowery and pretty, not all poems are, yet I find those ones the most meaningful, the ones I connect to.  They are the real ones that make you realize you are not alone in your trials and challenges, other people are dealing with the same pain and by writing the pain out in poetry, it helps them and the reader to understand what they are going through.

So, today truly started out great... I had an amazing morning with Valentina, I made it to work early so that I could relax... I had a nice quiet day where I was able to help the clients, it was a day I felt satisfaction with, however; within an hour of leaving work, my mood had changed around.  I came home read some blogs and a couple of them really touched me because they had had a bad day too but they were going to do what they needed to turn it around.  I decided I will write out my feelings in a poem and then turn this day around and end it on a really good note.

 Do you think before you speak?
you must because you have to type it
yet you type it all without thinking and hit send
then you wonder why I feel the way I do?

Really? Do you think if I think the way you do
that I will be happy and everything will be fine?
That's not the way it works, you can't have it both ways
Why didn't I know this before?

Will you feel less guilty if I do what you ask?
will it make you happy, even if you know it won't make me happy?
Therein lies the difference between us
I could never be truly happy if you weren't

I feel like a fraud with you, always saying what you want to hear
never saying how you make me feel
always thinking before I type
then sending, hoping it will bring a smile to you

I want it to be in the future and that we made it past all this
but right now I can't see a good ending for us
which makes me very sad...
We both will lose, I wonder when you will realize that...

I just needed to purge and say whatever was inside... now I am going to have a nice hot bubble bath then curl up with a good book and get some sleep... I can almost feel things turning around :)

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Feel Like The Princess And The Pea

I didn't sleep last night, not sure why... it is getting ridiculous as when I am at work all day, I am sure if I laid my head on my desk I would pass out and start drooling in my sleep.  I have even entertained the thought of crawling under my desk and drifting off.  Of course I don't do these things and I am sure my bosses wouldn't think very much about me.  A girl can dream though... However, I get home, I unwind, do a little cooking, cleaning, blogging and then finally I head off to bed and then boom... my eyes are wide awake.  I yawn, I change positions over and over, I have blankets on, I take them off, I fluff my pillows, I take pillows away. 

I love my bed, it is one of those memory foam mattresses which is absolutely perfect for me since I am built like a large hour glass, it is wonderful for my hips, they never have to be uncomfortable on a spring.  Believe me, I don't care how comfortable your pillow top mattresses are, the minute I curl up on my side, I feel the springs.  I feel like the girl from The Princess And The Pea.  These days, however; I am beginning to think no matter how comfortable my bed is, it seems I am unable to sleep.

I have gone as far as taking a nice warm relaxing bath, changing my sheets, having my room cleaned, turning off all sounds, TV, computer, music... you name it.  It is dark and quiet but do I sleep... NO...  I never sleep more than two or two and a half hours at a time. Which believe is not conducive to concentration... everything is funny to me, I laugh uncontrollably.   Which is not a bad thing, I think laughter is great, more people need to laugh a little more than being so darned serious.  Mine is a little overboard, especially when I haven't slept for long periods of time.

Saying all this... I am off to bed again; I am off to dreamland... hoping that the dream lasts for four or five hours.  That would be beyond amazing, I miss those days when I could lay my head down and instantly fall to sleep for six or seven hours.  I used to hear of people who had insomnia and I considered myself blessed that I didn't have to deal with the lack of sleep.  Those days are gone, apparently my body thinks I have slept enough from when I was a young adult. 

The only other idea that comes to mind is that hopefully once I start working out daily, I will exhaust myself so much I will pass out and dream for four or five hours.  I am not giving up on the idea that sleep will once again be my friend.  Maybe I should take my mattress apart and see if there is a pea underneath... that would mean I was a princess, then again, all women are princesses, why not me?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
 

Relaxing And Checking In

I have spent the past couple of days with an infected leg that I was unable to walk on without severe pain.  Even sitting up was uncomfortable, I spent my weekend in bed... sleeping a lot. I woke up sporadically to check in with David through a text.  His surgery did not go as simply as it was supposed to, he had a fever and a few complications. He spent 5 days in the hospital, he's home now so I am relieved.

Every time I wanted to write, I really didn't have much to say as I was going between worry for David and feeling the pain in my leg that wouldn't subside.  So, I didn't feel overly creative, I really needed this weekend off just relaxing, resting my leg and not stressing myself out. 

I am feeling back to myself tonight, I can walk a lot better, it is still tender but bearable.  I just wanted to check in, I am headed off to bed early, I have a long busy day ahead of me tomorrow.  I didn't get out this weekend for groceries, so I have to do that tomorrow night. 

Also, I am looking forward to catching up on all my blogs, I can't wait to see how everyone is... it will probably take me this week to catch up. I'll write on the way to work, since I know have an hour long ride to work in the morningl 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield