A Better Choice For Me

I had a very good week of exercise, I walked 6 of the last 7 days and a few of those days were nice long walks. Joining up with the two challenges I did really helped to motivate me, I don't need a contest where I can win something, just having others that are in the same situation who encourage and inspire each other, getting healthy is winning anyway. It isn't about who can get the most steps, it is about each of us individually doing our best. We have a goal of about 12,000 steps per day but if we don't reach it, we praise each other for what we have done and inspire each other to do better the next day.

It feels good to be motivated again, it was a long road for me to work myself back to the path I was on... I am no where near where I was and I am aware it will take me a long time to get back there. For the time being, I am not even looking at speed as much as I am looking at distance. I have slowed down but started walking longer distances... I think it is the best way for me to build up my stamina again... going too quickly could one, injure me and two, tire me out quickly where I won't feel like exercising daily.  There is plenty of time in the future to get my speed back up to where it was and beyond.

I have put it out in the universe that I am looking for a three bedroom apartment, it has become imperative for me to work from home, I have a few people looking out for places and I even discussed it with my boss... he said he would help push it through for me to work from home since I have all the stats and I'm able to work on my own.  I understand it will be a whole new lifestyle but for me, it would be so worth it... first I could sleep in an extra hour in the morning, second I would not have that nearly three hour trip of travel time daily and third most importantly I would be there for Valentina when she left in the morning and when she came home.

Many of my colleagues have told me that they couldn't do it as they are way too social... ahh... there are not too many people more social than I am... I don't actually go to work to hang out with people, I go to work to do my job... I can still attend outside work functions when they come up. I would actually be more likely to go to them as I would have the time and the desire. I need the third room for an office, I would love opening the door up, doing my job and then closing it at the end of the day and being home. It would give me time to prepare dinner on my lunch and I could go for a walk after work and still be home at a decent hour. It is a total win/win for me...

This has become incredibly important to me as I feel it is much more essential for me to be engaged in my life, then traveling endlessly back and forth. Life is insanely short, I am irritated by wasting it by constantly running and waiting for buses... sitting in endless busy traffic. I read a few blog posts this week about finding out what our purpose is and I honestly don't believe it entails my sitting on a bus day after day until I retire... I get more disillusioned over time, thinking this is not what my life was supposed to be like...

When I pondered that, I realized I am the only one who is in control of changing that, I can sit her and complain about the wasted hours of my life or I can do everything possible to bring about a different path... I have to decide what I want and I have determined it is very important to put myself first and make my life a little bit easier so that I can have a lot more fun and so that I can be there for Valentina for those tough teenage years... This is a choice I'm making it's better for her and for me... 

 
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A Little More Than Five Years Ago

I should be sleeping, as if that isn't what I have been telling myself for nearly ten months... I think when the upheaval started in my life the end of September, it threw everything out of whack for me... even though I am feeling more at peace in my life now, I still don't sleep any longer than a few hours at a time before I awaken... then I fall back to sleep.  In the beginning I worried about not getting the proper rest I needed to actually handle my day to day life and although I don't think it is a wonderful thing to go through life without proper sleep, the kind where you dream... I have managed to live and find ways around not getting deep sleep.

So, my Valentina came home from camp, she thoroughly enjoyed her time there... except for the massive bug bites she received... note to self, always remember bug spray in the future... apparently there are lots of mosquito's and such in the country.  I really missed her and it looks like she is going away for another week this Saturday.  She is excited because it gives her the opportunity to hang outside, play and swim, so I am very happy for her.

Also, just a bit of a catch up with everyone, I ate pretty well this week and better than that, I exercised four of the last six days ... it felt amazing. Unfortunately I was really ill over the weekend, not sure what it was... but it kept me indoors, I am feeling much better now.  I have even decided that I want to find a few people that will walk with me, however; I need them to be a little competitive, or they may end up walking by themselves as I don't want to just amble along.  This is why I have decided to look for some groups in my area of like minded people.  The more the better, since I want to exercise regularly... I want to set myself up for success.

A friend I hadn't spoken to for a while contacted me and we had a really good talk, the kind I haven't been able to have for a long time... I hadn't realized how much I had bottled up inside myself until we talked, it was a great release. I hope we can talk more regularly ... although we did promise to make time for each other, I know it will take a lot of work.  I am prepared to put in the work... hopefully my friend will too... I think we all need someone we can just say whatever we need to say and not worry about how it will sound.

Today I realized it has been a little over five years since I started my blog... I remember writing my first post and publishing it... I never thought I would write over 700 posts since that day. Everyone who has read my blog, knows that I started to write it to give myself a voice.  I had lost myself along the way when I married my ex Andrey and after he raped me in 2008 I went inward and tried to forget it. Of course that never works, that only serves to destroy a person.  Talking about it was the only way I came through to the other side... once I started writing, I started talking more and once I did that, I found myself and my voice.

Then in late 2011 I fell in love with 'him' and he became the center of my life and my blog... mainly because he was my best friend and he helped me to want better for myself.  I grew a lot in the two plus years we talked... one of them being that I found my self esteem that I had been missing for so many years.  Two, I remember when we first started dating and I used to think how lucky I was to be with 'him'... then I remember last summer thinking how lucky 'he' and I were that we made it through dating and stayed friends.  Today, almost a year later, I honestly believe, 'he' was lucky to be with me.

I know that sounds conceited but I am not, nor have I ever been.  I say that now because I can look back with open eyes and see that I gave a hundred percent of myself to 'him', even when I knew we were only friends. I would never have walked away from 'him' for any reason... that is why 'he' was lucky to be with me, I would not turn my back on him for any reason, not even now.  

A little more than five years after writing my first post, I can look back and say it was one of the best things I ever decided to do in my life.  I found a passion with writing... this was something I wanted to do for years. Also, I connected with many people across the globe, something that I never would have done without the blog.  I have wanted to travel for years, writing this blog makes me want to travel more, I would love to meet many of you. I am not going to write names because there are so many and I would never want to leave anyone out. I am just grateful for each and everyone of you for being there for me as I hope I am there for you too.

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My Father Gary

Dad on a pony at 5 years old

I have been wanting to write about my dad for sometime, I just needed to find some of my favorite pictures of him. First off, forgive me for being a little technically challenged... when I scan the pictures I have no idea how to crop them... oh my.

This first picture is when my dad was only 5 years old and he had his picture taken on a pony... apparently this was something people did in the era my dad was born.  He was born in 1940, I don't know how long after he was born that my grandparents separated and then divorced because no one ever really talked about when it all took place.  Anyhow my dad was raised by a single parent, he did see his dad often as my grandfather was really into camping, skating, boating, swimming... on and on and he would take my dad out on many of these excursions.

My dad had huge dreams, he wanted to be a movie star and he set out to cross Canada by hitch hiking and working along the way... he told me it was one of the best times of his life, traveling to so many places and seeing this beautiful country of ours. When he had saved enough money in one place, he would just get up and go to the next place... He made his way down through Washington and Oregon, on his way to California so that he could get to Hollywood.  He definitely had the looks, believe me, these pictures don't do justice to show how extremely handsome he was... My dad was a young father, he was only 18 when my sister Kimmy was born, so he was always younger than most of my friends dads.

We always thought he was the cool dad, the in style dad... he wasn't frumpy, he was forever taking us camping, snowmobiling, boating. skating, sliding and swimming to name a few.  He wasn't big on being involved with us otherwise except when it came to doing outdoor activities.  As children we totally loved this time with him, we would always have fun... it was a great way to get time away from Ruth (ex psycho step mother).

 My dad in front of a big rig that he drove

While we were growing up, my dad drove everything and anything for a living, he drove a taxi, a big rig, a tow truck... not to mention the items he drove for fun, a snowmobile, boat, motorbike, dune buggy... etc. I have to say that there are only two people that I have driven in a car with that I felt completely comfortable and at ease, one was my dad the other is David. Both of them are calm and alert drivers, something not everyone is, I love how relaxed both of them are while driving but always paying attention.

My dad died in 2004 from heart failure.. he had a heart attack in 1995 and had to have a defibrillator put in to zap his heart back to start if it ever got out of rhythm... I had a couple of really scary times with him, once when I married Andrey and my dad was dancing the Jitterbug (he was quite the dancer... he even danced in New York City), anyhow, he ended up having to go to emergency due to the dancing... that put an end to the festivities at my wedding... the other time was a year after I was married, I was pregnant but ended up miscarrying... he rushed me to the hospital in the nick of time.  I had to be rushed into emergency surgery, this stress caused another issue with his heart. 

My dad had a pretty difficult up bringing, first being raised by a single mom, then having to go to a home for boys (where a priest molested him), to being a young father who then lost his daughter Kimberly (our sister) in the fire. He had many tragic events happen to him over his life time but he never stopped dreaming big dreams.  We used to joke around that dad was such a big dreamer but as I got older and talked to him, I realized he lived a great deal of his dreams.  Most of us never get to travel all over North America, he saw most of it and worked in many of the States and Canada, he was never settled... always thinking of the next thing he wanted to do.

Although I always thought he was so cool, I now think he was like a teenager that never grew up... It was great to have him as that sort of dad as he was fun... however; fun is good but there are times you have to be involved in the adult world.  He was terrible at making decisions, he either took forever to make them or he was rash and went for them without any thought... either way they were rarely good ones. He was happy though, he followed his heart and from all that he told me, he felt like he had lived his life to the fullest.

Of course my dad never made it to Hollywood as he met my mom in Oregon and the rest as they say is history.

Two of my favorite pictures of my dad and my sister when we were little

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Happy Birthday Canada

I am so thankful for living in this country Canada.  I'm free and blessed to have been born and raised here.  Although I have a huge desire to travel the world, mostly in Europe and Australia; I truly would love to see all of the world.  But I would always want to be able to come home to this amazing country Canada.

I know that I am also grateful for our medical programs.  Yes sometimes we might have to wait for care but we are not financially punished for being ill.  I couldn't imagine living in other countries that didn't take care of their people. 

I'm free to worship the way I want and not be persecuted.  I know there are still many more countries that do not have this freedom, that is SO sad.  I pray for these countries to be more like Canada; to give their people a choice.

Canada can always be better and the way for it to better would be for us to stand up and be a better people.  This is not up to our government, this is up to each individual person in this beautiful country.

I am truly grateful for our freedom and I am grateful for the people who stand up for us against countries that would attempt to change our freedoms.  Thank you to the men and women in the Army, Navy and Air Force.

Happy Birthday Canada!!




O Canada!

Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Potential Is More Than I Know

I have had an interesting/dull day, I woke up at five am and worked on my CPA assignment for over two hours.  This course is so much more boring than I ever thought possible...  I am at the point of who cares.  I cannot see myself doing this as a career, trying to figure out which taxable, non taxable car allowance the employee is supposed to have.  I like the job I have now as it is helping people and I don't need to know boring legislation.

I completed the assignment in a little over two hours, of course I did spend a couple of hours last night researching in too... can I say dull.  I am thinking it would be more fun to watch paint dry, lol.  There is one more of these courses that I have to take, I am seriously wondering why I am torturing myself.

Anyhow, I then slept for an hour until Cindy arrived here, I had her look over my assignment, then I sent it.  I read a ton of blogs, there are so many talented and uplifting people throughout this world, I love getting to know other people in the world through their blogs. I am always pleasantly surprised how much we are alike and yet culturally different, I have so much desire to travel and see the many types of cultures out there.  There is so much beauty in this world and I want to experience it all.

Then I wasted the rest of my day away until I picked Valentina up, did laundry and then dishes... woo hoo... Finally, I got to settle down and talk to my David.  I had been kind of weepy today... I had no real idea why.  I mean I have good things going on in my life, I couldn't figure out why I was weepy and reflective, I still haven't figured it out.  At least David and I chatted and he made me laugh as usual.  He can certainly lift my spirits easily, how did I not always have him in my life?  If I just had not been so darn shy when I was younger.

I don't have the time or energy to be shy any longer, it seriously is such a waste of time. I missed out on some very wonderful experiences in my life because of how shy I used to be.  I had been thinking about joining Toastmasters at work but then I realized I don't really need this as I can talk in large groups with no issues.  Not that I always could but as I get older I lose that fear more and more, now if I could just lose all my fears.  Then again, if I didn't have fear, I wouldn't be able to grow to my potential.

Fear is actually a good thing as long as we don't let it control us!  Fear can keep us safe and if it is irrational fear and we see this, we can embrace it and grow beyond our wildest dreams.  I have had some things happen to me today that most people would have fear about, I would have had fear about it in the past.  Today I just think, oh well... that is life, time to move on to my next stage.

Travelling And Seeing We Are All The Same

Now that I have been reading blogs from people around the world, I have a desire to see even more of it.  I have learned that although there are differences in our languages and our cultures, we really all are the same, we want to be loved, we want to be seen.  The world is actually a small place, especially since the internet has brought us together at the touch of a key stroke.

I used to think I never wanted to travel but that changed in the last five years, now I cannot wait for the chance to travel. There are so many places I want to explore, so many experiences I want to have.  I watch 'The Amazing Race' all the time and I see countries I never even heard of and they are all so beautiful.  I am also so grateful that the internet can almost instantly translate any language.  I have learned so many things about so many people.

I would love to travel this world with my best friend David, he wants to see so many different countries, we could choose a few of each of what we want to see and then view them all together.  My oldest daughter Andrea and her husband Paul went to Italy, she said it was so beautiful and how much they loved their time there, I am so happy they went there together before they had Jackson... it's an experience they had together they will always have.

I really believe by traveling that we open our minds and hearts to other people and their cultures.  I also believe by doing this, we can become closer to each other when we can all see that we really are much more a like than we ever would have thought possible.  I love this earth and all the beauty that is available for us to see and explore.

I Won't Give Into Fear

It amazes me daily that when I have a negative thought, it doesn't last because I see it for what it is, fear. I refuse to live in fear ever again, I want to do things that I swore I would never do when I was younger.  I want to show that girl she was so much stronger than she ever believed.

She never believed that having someone truly love her was a possibility, wow... I was so afraid of never having it that I pushed it away and I did things to prove I was lovable and put up with things that I never should have tolerated.  I am so grateful though, if I had not went through that journey, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

I wouldn't trade my experiences in the past because I may not be where I am now and be who I am with.  I have someone now who I believe, he's honest, kind, caring, thoughtful, sweet, loving... he is what every woman would want in their life.  I want him in my life because he's led me to believe that I too am someone he can believe, trust, feel safe with.  I wish everyone could have that, it is better than any love we attempt to fill our lives with in the past and present.

A Christmas wish I have had for many years was to have a calm, happy and relaxed Christmas.  I am getting that and I get David with it, he's right, we are both lucky to have found each other.

I have goals again, I've had a desire to travel... I am planning for that to happen now.  I have many things that I want to do, I am looking forward to everything. I love that I feel so alive, I love that I believe in myself and mostly I love that I don't give into fear.