Change Becomes Easier With Support

I have been contemplating if change is as easy as some people say, I know that there have been times in my life where one minute I was living my life one way and then within a moment I changed and never looked back. Other times I want to flip that switch inside, only I fail over and over. I question myself as to what the difference is between my successes and my failures. For me, I think I succeed when I am no longer afraid of failure and I believe in myself.  

I have been trying to get back on track food wise and failing miserably... I wake up with good intentions and before I know it I fail. Part of me believes I cannot have success without cardio exercise and at the moment it just isn't possible. I have to come to terms with that, I need to take a step in the right direction and have confidence in myself again.  I achieved a goal I had long ago thought wasn't possible, I did it in a moment and for very long time I didn't look back... not until I injured myself and this is where I allowed failure into my life.

When I was injured, the switch I had turned on a couple of years ago was turned off, depression took over my thoughts and mind... the more pain I had the more I turned to food. The sad truth is that I am in more pain because of the weight gain...  it was difficult to exercise right after I was hurt... I lost sight of my long term goals. I gave into the short term injuries... and caused them to be worse... Sadly, I believe we all do this to a degree in our lives.

Why?  Excuses, fear, rationalization, doubt and feelings of inadequacy... Regardless of the story we tell ourselves, we either live with those choices we made or make a decision to choose better and do the work needed. Change can be easy when we commit with our whole heart, otherwise, change is difficult... but always possible. . .

As scary as it sounds and feels, the power to change anything is within us... the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Do I like admitting that to myself? No, it is easier to put the blame on other people and outside forces, however; I also know until I decide to do this for myself, I will not move forward with my health. The older that I become, the more I understand that without my health, I really don't have much.

So, I am open to ideas from everyone, I need to think outside the box... I would love to get motivated again. If I could get started with simple yoga and easy strength training ... I think it could get me started down the right path of becoming healthy again. If anyone has YouTube sites or websites that they find helpful, could you leave the links in the comments. I feel a little overwhelmed when I do searches as usually I find sites that are too complex, which means I don't stay with it. Also, maybe a group I can check in daily with to keep me accountable. Change becomes easier with support...

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I Can't Fix It On My Own...

Hi everybody, I know it's been a long time... truthfully I wanted to write sooner and many more times than I can even say. I have been dealing with a lot of items. First, I am still not working from home but it is looking like it will happen in the near future. There were many changes at work which slowed me down from working at home but it seems to be on course now. Second, I have been trying to come to terms with the election in the USA... it has thrown me for a major loop. (I know many will have their own views on this and I appreciate there are differences. I don't want to discuss my politics here... I just wanted to explain my long absence) Third, my depression has been front and center with weight gain, lack of sleep and generally trying to focus. 

Saying all this, I realized that I really needed to write, I have missed everyone. I often wanted to check in with your blogs but because I follow so many, I couldn't pick and choose and I knew I couldn't handle reading all of them. This week I plan to take a little time each day to visit each and every one of you. I am truly grateful for so many of you who reached out to me through Instagram, Twitter, FaceBook, Email and of course here on my blog. All of them touched my heart to know I was missed and that so many people cared about me, thank you.

What did I learn from my time off, a lot... I was overwhelmed when I just decided one day to take some time, which stretched on and on. I felt as if I couldn't just come here and write and not interact with all of you and that wasn't something I could handle at the time. Lately, I knew I wanted to write, I needed to get my feelings out so that I could find ways to deal with emotions and trials I have right now. By not writing, I made things more difficult for myself...

 

For the past six weeks, I have tried to cope with emotions past and present... This is a really tough time of the year for me, I was reading through my blog posts, I could see this  pattern happening over and over... I have to find a way to make this time of the year good and fun again. It has been a long time since I have truly looked forward to it... I do the things I need to do but my heart isn't in it, it has not been for a very long time.

I don't think I have dealt with the core issue, if I had, I would not keep coming back to them over and over. When I was exercising I could hide my feelings there but once I hurt myself I had nowhere to hide anymore. I can tell you this, it sucks having to deal with emotions that I just want to go away. They never go away though, they will just compound until I face them.

 

I have a new friend, which I have needed for a very long time... she and I hang out regularly and talk a lot. While talking with her I understood I needed to write and also once I am working from home, I will find someone to talk with, to see if they have other solutions I could use to finally face the core emotions. Doing this on my own isn't working for me anymore... maybe that's the first step I have to take to make the changes ... admit I can't fix it on my own...

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Change My Thoughts, Transform My Life

I have been so busy and then I finally had a three day weekend... Saturday Valentina went off to camp for 4 days, I hope she is having a lot of fun... the weather has turned out to be wonderful for her. I spent the whole day at the salon getting my hair cut and colored... it's a school but they do great work and for a really decent fee.  Sunday I was wiped out, all I did was relax and get caught up will all my blogs... I had taken 3-4 days off reading and commenting... I really needed the time to refresh.

Today I spent more time cleaning and organizing... now that I have things in order, I just want to keep it up... I don't want to go back to where I was, it was overwhelming and depressing. One of the best decisions I made was to hire the lady that has helped me get my life and house in order. Since I am organized with my house, I have a strong desire to cook at home, instead of stopping off at the grocery store every morning for lunch, I pack a tasty and healthy one at home. 

So food wise I am feeling great, I am using My Fitness Pal and I'm tracking my food daily... I am not feeling like I am missing out as I am enjoying the fruit and vegetables that are available this time of the year... What I am struggling with is exercise, I don't know why I can't seem to push through like I did before. I just did it, I never used any excuses and I didn't care if I sweated... Lately all I do is rationalize about not exercising... which frustrates me as I know that moving more is a great way to get in shape and be healthy. 

I feel like I need to find that switch inside of myself that I found a few years ago... I was in the zone, nothing got in my way... I know that all I really need to do is just start, I have done it before, I can do it again... I don't have to go all out like I did before as I think that was a bit much for me and one of the reasons ended up getting hurt. I don't even want push to myself like I did before... I just want to start again and build on it over time. 

I have decided that I am going to exercise 3 times a week for a half hour each time per week to start with... it is something I can do so that I don't get hurt or give up. I would love to do it before I start work as that is the coolest time of the day, I am still waiting to work from home, I am not sure what the hold up is... all I can do it just be ready for when it happens... As soon as I do, I could exercise before work, have a shower, start work and kick off my day with a good start. 

Until that happens, I will have to make an effort to exercise after work, otherwise it could be another month and I would still be in the same place. The last thing I want is be in the exact spot I am right now... and I am the only one who can change it. Sometimes it's difficult to admit that it really is up to me, knowing this means that I need to put the effort in... no one will or can do it for me... I am hoping by changing my thoughts I will transform my life... again ...

 

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A Better Choice For Me

I had a very good week of exercise, I walked 6 of the last 7 days and a few of those days were nice long walks. Joining up with the two challenges I did really helped to motivate me, I don't need a contest where I can win something, just having others that are in the same situation who encourage and inspire each other, getting healthy is winning anyway. It isn't about who can get the most steps, it is about each of us individually doing our best. We have a goal of about 12,000 steps per day but if we don't reach it, we praise each other for what we have done and inspire each other to do better the next day.

It feels good to be motivated again, it was a long road for me to work myself back to the path I was on... I am no where near where I was and I am aware it will take me a long time to get back there. For the time being, I am not even looking at speed as much as I am looking at distance. I have slowed down but started walking longer distances... I think it is the best way for me to build up my stamina again... going too quickly could one, injure me and two, tire me out quickly where I won't feel like exercising daily.  There is plenty of time in the future to get my speed back up to where it was and beyond.

I have put it out in the universe that I am looking for a three bedroom apartment, it has become imperative for me to work from home, I have a few people looking out for places and I even discussed it with my boss... he said he would help push it through for me to work from home since I have all the stats and I'm able to work on my own.  I understand it will be a whole new lifestyle but for me, it would be so worth it... first I could sleep in an extra hour in the morning, second I would not have that nearly three hour trip of travel time daily and third most importantly I would be there for Valentina when she left in the morning and when she came home.

Many of my colleagues have told me that they couldn't do it as they are way too social... ahh... there are not too many people more social than I am... I don't actually go to work to hang out with people, I go to work to do my job... I can still attend outside work functions when they come up. I would actually be more likely to go to them as I would have the time and the desire. I need the third room for an office, I would love opening the door up, doing my job and then closing it at the end of the day and being home. It would give me time to prepare dinner on my lunch and I could go for a walk after work and still be home at a decent hour. It is a total win/win for me...

This has become incredibly important to me as I feel it is much more essential for me to be engaged in my life, then traveling endlessly back and forth. Life is insanely short, I am irritated by wasting it by constantly running and waiting for buses... sitting in endless busy traffic. I read a few blog posts this week about finding out what our purpose is and I honestly don't believe it entails my sitting on a bus day after day until I retire... I get more disillusioned over time, thinking this is not what my life was supposed to be like...

When I pondered that, I realized I am the only one who is in control of changing that, I can sit her and complain about the wasted hours of my life or I can do everything possible to bring about a different path... I have to decide what I want and I have determined it is very important to put myself first and make my life a little bit easier so that I can have a lot more fun and so that I can be there for Valentina for those tough teenage years... This is a choice I'm making it's better for her and for me... 

 
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The Choice To Help Or Hinder Our Progress

This weekend I accomplished another goal I had made about 5 months ago, I never spoke about it, I just decided that I was going to complete it by the Fall. I have been exercising a great deal for the past few months and walking has been my main method as I have come to enjoy it a great deal. Most of you know that I have a Fitbit that keeps track of my steps, I have even walked 10 miles through out the day once or twice. Last week I made a decision that I was going to get in at least 25,000 steps on this Saturday past. The first thing I did was buy groceries earlier in the week, I did the laundry on Friday... I made sure there would be no excuses for me to not complete this goal.

So, I not only achieved the 25,000 steps, I made it to 30,000 steps for the day... I set myself up for success by being prepared, by walking practically everyday and building up strength and by not using any excuses. It was quite a bit more than I have done previously, I had made it to 20,000 steps a few times in the past... I ended up having to walk a total of 14 miles for the day. I have to tell you, I feel great... I was sure I would not be able to walk the next day but I went right back out and walked 6 miles today beating my last time by 3 minutes from 2 weeks ago. 

I remember a few short years ago I was so unhealthy, I rarely walked more than a few blocks, I smoked, I only ate salad that was drowned in salad dressing and other veggies were an occasional occurrence. Today I regularly walk 3-6 miles per day, I don't smoke, salad dressing is a rare item and vegetables are a daily food that I love to eat. Of course I eat food that isn't always super healthy but it is within moderation and definitely not daily anymore.

I am really thankful that I had that a ha moment in May of 2013, the one that 'he' unknowingly ignited in me ... the one that got me started on a path I will be forever grateful for being on today. 'He' might have got me started on the path but it took my own strength and determination to stay there and do the hard work. To really stop looking for excuses not to do the work.... I say that because I look back to when I used to put in some effort to lose the weight over the years, invariably it wasn't about a life change, it was until I hit a certain mark. 

Whatever clicked in me that day has never left me completely. I continue to want to keep working and being my best as I never want to go back to that unhealthy girl that was sad in ways that I ate so that I didn't have to feel. Today I walk and write when the sadness shows up... both are much more conducive to reaching and maintaining my goals. Is it easy? I will never say that, the easy way would be giving up and giving into the sadness and food but I won't do that anymore. 

 

Whenever I think I don't have time or that I won't be able to accomplish it because of my age or the many other reasons I might come up with, I remind myself of the quote above that is very true, we all have the same 24 hours in the day, it is what we choose to do with them that matters. I need to work on other aspects of my life such as decluttering my home which I won't make excuses for as I prioritized other things as more important for now. Besides none of us are perfect, we are always a work in progress... forever making choices that will change us in ways that will will either help or hinder our progress. Today I choose to help my progress by making the choice to be better...

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Life Doesn't Get Easier, You Just Get Stronger

I lost focus this week because of disappointments, you would think I would know better by now but I am human, no matter how much I want to always rise above my challenges and disappointments just like that, it isn't that easy... some days I need to take the time and deal with the feelings and emotions of having life not work out the way I had hoped. What did I learn from it? I learned life doesn't get easier, I just get stronger.

 

It's okay that I take a step back but I have to decide if I am going to be stronger than the lesson or if I am going to give into it... I don't want to give into it, I have done that in the past. It didn't bring me happiness, I only thought it did at the time... This whole week I thought, life isn't fair... other people attain their dreams why not me? I know that sounds selfish and I don't like to sound that way, nor do I want to feel that way... Disappointment has a way of allowing me to feel that way, even though I know that absolutely no one has it easy. 

Just because I look at someones life and I think they have it all together, past experience has taught me that is crap, that's a lie... no one has it easy, no one has all that they desire or wish for... if they did, they would have nothing left to work towards. How boring would that be? The truth is that even though disappoints hurt more than I can ever convey, they also teach us something about ourselves. 

The real question is if I want to learn from it?... it means really looking deep inside myself and changing a part of myself bit by bit... It cannot all be changed overnight, that would be too much to deal with all at once. I have the choice of walking away and giving up but frankly that has never helped me grow, giving up always made things worse because the lesson comes back, bigger and stronger... I either take the time to learn from it now... or I learn from it the harder way later on.

This week taught me that I can either have excuses or I can make changes, I cannot have both, that is sitting on the fence and that isn't possible. There is no standing still, we are either moving forward or we are going backwards... and I don't want to go backwards anymore... I have learned the trip back is only more difficult than if I kept going forward to begin with.

Yes I have had huge disappointments and challenges many people would never want... but so has everyone else... and when I think about some of the other challenges other people have to deal with, I am grateful that I don't have them... Regardless of how many disappointments I have to deal with in the future, at least I know my worth and not everyone can say that... So, even though life doesn't get easier, I am thankful I am getting stronger.

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