Absence Of Me

I have been very busy with my oldest daughter Andrea, my son in law Paul and my grandson Jackson visiting that I have had very little time to actually blog... That is changing as they are heading home on Thursday morning.  I cannot even begin to explain how enamored I am with my grandson, he gives kisses and hugs and says I love you nana... my heart melts every time I look at his sweet face.  He is such a happy little boy, I love that about him.  I know he can be a handful for his parents... he is almost two but I see the sweetness in him even when he is somewhat out of control... due to lack of sleep or the very little sugar he is allowed to have...

So, it will be back to normal for me on Thursday, I have been readily available at a moments notice while my oldest daughter was here which meant I didn't get in as much walking, my decision, not hers.  I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her and her beautiful little family.  Something had to give, a little less exercising and writing in my blog. Truly I should be in bed, catching up on some much needed sleep but I felt the need and desire to write... first I had to catch up with all the blogs I follow, the number is rising but I find that since I have added them to my Bloglovin list and I get all the updates in one place, so it's been easier for me to find a quick moment on my phone to read and comment on a few, instead of doing a bunch in the morning and the rest at night.

I thought about how I had been absent for the past couple of nights, I have had really late nights and I have had very little energy to even think, let alone write...  Hence why I had the need to do a catch up blog. I know I don't have to write in this every night but for me writing everyday, or close to it as possible, is like following my exercise plan and eating healthy, it becomes a habit, a good habit that helps me to be better and to be more present.  When I am absent due to commitments or lack of sleep, I miss the writing, the exercising... etc.

Consequently, I felt like I have been absent from my blogging by not putting any effort into preparing a blog, even though I was spending time reading others and being very inspired by so many.  I felt the need to write tonight... or early Wednesday morning, so that I won't allow my absence to become permanent.  The same with my exercise, I am going back at it with full force tomorrow, no excuses... I am going to exercise my 3-4 miles, I am making the time.  There are a ton of reasons I can think of for taking a break but not one of them are good reasons, being absent is never good for me... being present, helps me to excel at the challenges that have been set before me... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Emotional Loop

I was able to get out for a two mile walk yesterday... not enough though.  This rain has me down, I need to find rain boots so that I can walk whenever I want to...  I am tired of waiting for my shoes to dry out each time.

I then spent most of the day with Andrea, Paul and Jackson... we went out for Mexican food.  I ate a salad without the dressing.  It tasted pretty good as the chicken was moist and favorable.  I went over my calories a bit today but still not too bad.  I don't get weighed at work again until next Friday as I was on vacation this week but I weighed myself at home this morning and I am down 5 more pounds... that makes it a total of 15, so far.

I also spent the night copying all the blogs I follow and their links as I keep reading how GFC (Google Friend Connect) is going away... I didn't want to lose any of the people I follow and not everyone is on Bloglovin...  If you would like you can follow me there.  Here is the link to Bloglovin, also if you add Bloglovin to your blog, I will follow you there too. 

I'm lying in bed this morning making mental notes of what I need to do today... listening to the rain against my window.  Usually I love days like this as they give me an excuse to relax.  However; since Andrea, Paul and Jackson are here... I would much prefer there to be nice weather so we could go out with Valentina and do things together as a family. Also, we want to take a family photo together and we want to take it outdoors.

Every time I am sure I have it together, something comes along to show me that I don't.  It's not that I think I can have it all figured out as life is ever changing... no one has it all figured out (if they say they do, they are kidding themselves).  What I mean by having it together is that I am emotionally strong enough to move to the next stage.

I'm not though, why cannot I not get there?... am I always going to be in this loop that never seems to end?  I think I will be there until I can find answers or closure... I need that to move forward.

Until then I will just deal the highs and lows by writing and walking... I'm very dedicated to getting control of my weight.  Definitely in a healthy way as I don't much care if I am 20-30 pounds over weight, as long as I am strong and healthy.  I know people that are the supposedly the perfect weight but they eat the worst food and could not walk a block without wanting to pass out.  Being slim does not mean you're healthy...

I happen to be a woman who embraces her curves and loves them.  I like my shape, I just want a smaller version... one where I can feel comfortable while running a 5 and 10 K... but still look sexy in a dress that shows off my curves.

Eventually with my tenacity I will have both... a strong body with lots of curves.  Will I then be able to free myself from the emotional loop to move forward?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Disconnect To Connect...

I haven't been avoiding writing, I have been exhausted... I am pretty sure I slept for 9 hours last night... too bad it wasn't through the whole night but that comes because of my age.  I woke up at 8 am this morning, determined not to waste my Saturday sleeping it away... I caught up on all my blogs and then finally got myself moving to go out for a walk.  It was slightly warm but I walked for an hour in total, I stopped off at Cindy's to visit in between... I walked a lot of hills today, which is good... next week I am going to walk up Main Avenue, now that is a hill.  I will let you all know how I make out.

So for the good news, I am down 10 pounds for my first week, can I tell you how thrilled I am... I am so happy... I ended up walking for 24 miles last week.  This week I am going to aim for 28-30, that means I will have to walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes at lunch on top of the extra extra walking I am doing already.  I am so pumped and so in the zone.  I am eating healthy food and within my calorie intake...  I am not letting anything derail me.  I have a lot to prove to myself and I have something to prove to others.

Andrea, Paul and Jackson will be home on Wednesday, I still plan to walk as much as I possibly can... I don't want to miss a day if at all possible; I am making this a way of life.   I was able to get the time off next week for when Andrea is home, so we can spend a good deal of time together.  I am hoping to borrow a stroller and take Jackson on some of the walks I intend to take...  I think it will be fun, walking him around this city and great exercise for me.

On a side note, I am slightly frustrated with some people and their behavior... in the past I would have become so mad, then sad... then I would have done something to cover those feelings up.  This time I walked and I walked, which then helped me to sleep better at night... mostly from pure exhaustion..  For now it is okay for me to walk off my frustration but eventually I will have to deal with that issue head on.... Do you ever feel like you do all the hard work in a relationship?  Well that frustrates me that I feel like I do it all myself, there are a great deal of my friends that I find I have to make the first initiation...  Our lives have become too busy, too cluttered with things and time wasters... instead of connecting, we are disconnecting from each other.

Don't get me wrong I love technology it can bring us together when we allow it but I also feel we are so weighted down with overload of information that we just shut down and forget that we need a little human contact.  I had a wonderful visit with Cindy today, I had my phone but I just plugged it in and chatted with her while Valentina ran around outside with her friends... it reminded me of when I was younger and we just played outside for hours, enjoying all the made up games we had with each other... those times we really connected with each other.

I had two incidents in the last week that made me think... the first one I was buying a backpack for when I am walking.  Valentina noticed that some small change purses were on sale, I said... we don't buy things just because they are on sale, we buy things because we need them.... the cashier said... that's a good way to be... Of course it is... too often we think let's get it because of the sale, hence why we have too much stuff.  The other incident was in the grocery store and I told Valentina she could have a package of Tic Tacs... she was finding it hard to choose between the two flavors and wanted both and became frustrated with me.  I looked at her and said, you can have one or you can have none... she chose one.  The cashier said, good for you, too many parents give in and give both or try to talk their children into one.  My motto is one or none.

I think this walking that I am doing is clearing my head and making me look at life in a better way, one week ago I wondered where I would find the time to exercise; well... I found the time...  This is important in so many ways, one since I cannot take medication for my high cholesterol..  so walking and eating healthy is going to take care of that issue. Two, Valentina and I have lots of time together and she is exercising right along with me and three... I am gaining more than I can explain here right now... suffice to say that there are big changes on the way.  Some that people are going to like, others not so much but they are all good for me.

I can't leave without mentioning the weather in Alberta, I have quite a few friends out there... thankfully none of them have been affected by the flooding yet.  Most of them are on higher ground... My David just posted that there is a tornado watch up where he is in Alberta... all I can say is wow... the weather is becoming crazier and crazier everyday I turn on the news.  I am praying for everyone out there to be safe... Sadly I don't think this is the end of all this crazy weather that is happening in many places, which is pretty scary to say the least...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Remembering The Importance Of Gratitude

I am so grateful the weather has been holding out... it's given me the time to get into the walking zone. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain.. I'm still planning on walking... I have a decent rain coat and I am not made of sugar.

I decided after yesterdays rant I wanted to write a thankful for post... I like to remind myself periodically that I'm blessed more than I know.

First I can walk... I'm so grateful my leg healed so quickly and completely... in time for the wonderful weather.

Next I have a wonderful job that I had full benefits while I was off healing... there are not many companies like that... I am thankful.

My new sitter is very good and prompt... she has Valentina walking everywhere... which is what she needs.

I am grateful that my work started up the biggest loser... it was exactly what I needed to get motivated to get back on track.

I am excited and thankful that Paul, Andrea and Jackson will be here next week.... I get to see Jackson in person.... this is one happy glama nana....

I'm grateful for my tenacity... although my life is falling apart in front of my eyes...  I keep walking forward.

I'm thankful that I will finally be able to go zip lining next week... a huge fear of mine but something I REALLY want to do.  You may hear my screams from there.

I have gratitude for blogging and other bloggers.... I have gained so much insight from a lot of you.... some of you have changed my life for the better in ways I may not be able to express to you.

I'm grateful for my very good close friends... I know I can count on you all as I hope you know you can count on me.

I'm thankful that even though life can change on a dime... it is usually for the best... even though it can take time to see those blessings.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Good Fathers Do Exist

Well, my second day was almost as good as my first day for exercising... the weather has been holding out and co-operating with me... it is warm but also there is a great breeze.  The only small down fall was that I didn't take my sneakers to walk with... I wore a pair of flats... not such a great idea as now I have two blisters... lesson learned.  I will just have to walk through the pain until they heal, I am not giving up walking now that I have started.

Tomorrow after work I am going to stop off at the store and pick up a good pair of rain boots... it has been raining a lot here for the past month or more... who am I kidding, I was beginning to think I might be able to swim to work.  Although I love rain in the evenings for sleeping, I seriously have had more than my fair share of rain for the time being.  Saying that, I also need to be prepared so that I don't let that be an excuse not to walk.

I have three big agendas on the go right now and I am trying hard not to overwhelm myself, the first one of course is exercising and eating correctly... the second is finding a place to move (I have to get on that as I want to be settled somewhere for September) and third, I have to purge this place.... I get so completely frustrated when I go to look for a simple item I know I have and it is not where I left it... I find that Valentina's clutter is invading all spaces right now... she has been just dropping items, clothing, shoes... whatever - where ever  she wants to... I have stopped hanging out in the living room as I rarely if ever watch TV... she has taken the room over and it is just one huge disaster.

So, this week I will be taking the opportunity to walk around my neighborhood to see if there is any available places I could rent, I am also going to start collecting boxes and packing away anything I am not using and that I will still need to use, once I am moved.  Next, Valentina needs to look out, I will be throwing items away at will, I have talked to her until I am blue in the face about putting her things away... apparently she needs to lose them to appreciate them.  Especially when the items are anywhere but in her room... I do care how her room looks but I don't care as much as long as the rest of the house stays relatively clutter free.

It's father's day today... not a day I have celebrated as first my father and I were not super close and he passed away in November 2004.  I have been a single mom twice and neither of those men stepped up to the plate to be the fathers they should be... I went to church today and one of the talks given was about not holding a grudge or resentment for lacking what we felt may have missed out on by not having the father we wanted.  It reminded me that although my dad didn't act like the father I needed him to be, he was there for me...

It also reminded me that holding a grudge or resentment only hurts me and I didn't even realize that I was doing it until today... I shut down when I read on Facebook and Twitter where, everyone was raving about their fathers and husbands... then I went to read some blogs and there were posts about the wonderful dads and husbands these people have... It made me cry to realize that I had been holding any resentment about this... this is not me... I don't like to hold onto anything like this as I know it only hurts me in the long run.

I went onto Facebook and wished all daddy's a wonderful day, especially my amazing son-in-law Paul who loves his son, my grandson Jackson, my nephew Kyle who is a really good daddy to his son Lucas and of course I could not forget my David who is a terrific father to his two children.  There are some really fabulous fathers and I feel blessed to have some of these men in my life who show me that good fathers really do exist...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Happy Birthday To My First Born Daughter

Thirty-one years ago today, I was barely eighteen years old and I became a mommy to my first born daughter Andrea.  She was born on a beautiful sunny Tuesday at 3:11 pm.   I was nervous as I was so young and I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I ended up growing up with her and she helped me to become who I am today.

Andrea is a strong willed girl, she is kind, loving and giving.  This girl never followed the pack, she was her own self and blazed her own trail from the time she was a little girl.  I remember a time she was only three years old and she was adamant that she would be picking out her own clothes.  From that day forward she chose her own clothes and look out if I tried to give her some suggestions.

This girl of mine is highly intelligent, she did well in school when she wanted to, most times she was trying to figure out a way to not got to school.  This was our biggest argument over the years.  I really shouldn't have worried because once she found a career she was interested in, she had a 3.9 average in college.  She is now a Graphic Art Designer and amazing at this profession.  I am really proud of her.

Because I was such a young single mother, many people judged Andrea and thought she would end up just like me, I knew better though, she was smarter than that, she held out for the whole dream.  She met Paul on line when she was seventeen years old, they talked on line and on the phone for nearly a year, he flew up her to meet her and  when she was nineteen she moved to Wisconsin to be with Paul.   Lots of people worried, I didn't, I knew that if she stayed longer than three weeks that she and Paul would be together.

I was right, she married Paul in a beautiful ceremony on August 18, 2007.  These two were made for each other, they are each others soul mate.  I love how happy she is and how strong willed she is; this trait was difficult as a child but it is what helped her become the amazing woman she is today.

Then on July 18th, 2011 she and Paul welcomed there first son Jackson into their family.  She is an amazing mommy as I knew she would be and Paul is a wonderful Daddy.  My first born grandson is an adorable and happy child, I love getting little videos and pictures of him.  I can barely wait to see him face to face one day soon.

I am a very happy and thrilled mother, my daughter did not allow herself to become a statistic, she proved she was stronger than this and waited for the whole dream.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield


 

An Apology And Pledge To My Daughters

If a child is given love, he becomes loving ... If he's helped when he needs help, he becomes helpful. And if he has been truly valued at home ... he grows up secure enough to look beyond himself to the welfare of others. ~ DR. JOYCE BROTHERS

I've felt compelled to write a letter to my children, an apology letter.  On the whole I know I've been a fairly decent mother but I've not been spectacular.

I have a deficiency when it comes to giving my inner self to them, I love them both with all my heart but I feel that sometimes I lack that motherly part when I could be making more time for both of them. 

So, I've made a decision that although I will blog daily as I can write it while I am on my way to work; that is all I will do through out the week.  I apologize that I won't be commenting daily but I really need to spend more time, quality time with my children.  I will visit and comment on all your blogs on the weekend, I love keeping up with them all.

That means 2 things, my DVR goes back this week, no more cable.  Internet only, I will allow myself one hour to blog per day as well as any social media.  I will actively play with Valentina, I will do what she wants to do.  Then I will call Andrea a few hours per week to see how she and her beautiful family are doing.

Right now I have to study for my CPA nightly for the next two weeks, then to bed early every night.  I will allow a couple of extra hours on the weekend for the internet.  Just not all day. 

I have been in a funky mood lately, I just miss my best friend, I'm very used to talking to David regularly and than to go to nothing, that has been very hard.  His job and the course he is taking is keeping him very busy.

In the mean time, my daughters are going to come first for me, as they always should.  I will always make time for him later in the evening.  But I need to salvage and improve my relationship with them.  I realized that I messed up and I didn't give time as much as I could have.

I guess my only excuse is that I had so little love for myself that it was difficult to give it to them.  It is so important to have self love when you have children, other wise they grow up lacking.  I have to change that.   I pledge going forward that I will spend only an hour on the internet per evening. 

I may not have always been at my computer but it was always on and I was always jumping on for just a minute... those minutes lasted far too long.  So, I will be turning the computer off.  I need to spend as much time as I can with my children, especially since I won't be seeing Andrea this summer:(  So no Paul:( and no Jackson:(.   We will have to Skype this summer.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

True Gratitude

I need to make this post about what I'm truly grateful for, not that I'm not thankful for so much in my life but lately I don't find it as easy to just go to my gratitude list as I have in the past.

I realize I'm being selfish when my life is full of blessings.  I have my two daughters, my son-in-law Paul, my grandson Jackson, my health, a home to live in, plenty of food, awesome friends, the gospel, my job, my blog, I live in a free country, I can see, I can hear, I can walk, I can talk, I'm funny, I'm friendly.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to erase the past then to deal with it but deep down I know that's not true; I wouldn't be me without my past.  I guess I'm just having a tough time getting to that next level.

Can I ask you all to pray or send positive and uplifting thoughts for me.  I do this everyday for the people that are in my life whether you are directly in my life or in my blog.  I just really need to start seeing the good again and not just for a day.

I need to somehow learn to be happy again.  I was happy, really happy, for a long time.  I've found it so hard to be happy for more than day here and there lately.  It's because I allowed my heart to be open and now it's in pain.

I think I need to take each day and pick something I'm grateful for and dwell on it, blog about it and be thankful for it.  I want being happy to be a way of life, it was at one time, it can be again.

Mostly I've learned a very hard lesson, I will never open my heart again, I'm not looking for my best friend, I found him; I'm not looking for my soul mate, I found him; I'm not looking for the love of my life, I found him.  Only to lose him.

I'm am grateful for the past, present and future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

What Makes A Man A Real Man

I've been contemplating this all day, what makes a man a good father?  I had a dad who refused to give up his children but then didn't take an active role in our lives.  I think he did better then his own father who left his family when my dad was 10 years old, so my father was basically raised by a single mother, this was really hard to do in the early 1950's (it's difficult now but it had to have been incredibly hard in that era).   My father did the best that he could with what he knew at the time. 

I feel that what makes a man a really good father is the men that have had really difficult childhoods who rose above them and became amazing daddies.  David is one of these, he was raised by his mother alone since the age of 5 and he didn't have a role model of a great father, yet he became an amazing daddy to his children.  You can tell he is a great daddy by the way his daughter dotes on him, I find it very refreshing.

I know there are so many fathers who have not had perfect upbringings themselves but they have overcome their childhoods to become wonderful and caring daddies.  I wish more men took their roles of being a daddy as the most important role in their lives.  There can be many ways a man can gain respect but having the respect of their children is the biggest thing they can ever do.  Sometimes I think that this world doesn't respect when a man is a good father, the world thinks it is more important to succeed in their careers... that is sad.

I think this is just another problem in this world that holds a career in higher regards for a man than how he is as a father.  This is why I love when I see a man who shows up and proves the world wrong by being an incredible daddy.  I see many amazing daddies at my church who think of their children as the precious and wonderful beings that they are.

I want to wish every wonderful father an amazing Father's Day.  In my life there are two incredible fathers that I know, first there is my wonderful and amazing son-in-law Paul Miller, first he is an awesome husband to my beautiful daughter Andrea and a wonderful father to my adorable grandson Jackson.  I love seeing pictures of him snuggling with Jackson.  Also, my David is an incredible daddy, you can tell this by how his daughter expresses the love she has for her daddy when she talks of him.   I think these two daddies in my life are wonderful examples of what makes a man amazing.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Travelling And Seeing We Are All The Same

Now that I have been reading blogs from people around the world, I have a desire to see even more of it.  I have learned that although there are differences in our languages and our cultures, we really all are the same, we want to be loved, we want to be seen.  The world is actually a small place, especially since the internet has brought us together at the touch of a key stroke.

I used to think I never wanted to travel but that changed in the last five years, now I cannot wait for the chance to travel. There are so many places I want to explore, so many experiences I want to have.  I watch 'The Amazing Race' all the time and I see countries I never even heard of and they are all so beautiful.  I am also so grateful that the internet can almost instantly translate any language.  I have learned so many things about so many people.

I would love to travel this world with my best friend David, he wants to see so many different countries, we could choose a few of each of what we want to see and then view them all together.  My oldest daughter Andrea and her husband Paul went to Italy, she said it was so beautiful and how much they loved their time there, I am so happy they went there together before they had Jackson... it's an experience they had together they will always have.

I really believe by traveling that we open our minds and hearts to other people and their cultures.  I also believe by doing this, we can become closer to each other when we can all see that we really are much more a like than we ever would have thought possible.  I love this earth and all the beauty that is available for us to see and explore.

Expectations And Worth

I read this quote this morning and it resonated with me.  I wish that every parent could read this and teach this to their children. I am going to have this put into a frame and give it to Valentina to remind her of her worth.  Somehow my oldest knew her worth and didn't accept less for herself, she ended up marrying her best friend, a man who loves her and treats her with the utmost respect.  Although her husband Paul did not have the best parents, he somehow knew how to treat a woman.  He loves my daughter and is very respectful of her, I am so grateful that Andrea and Paul followed their hearts and overcame their childhoods to find each other.

I want Valentina to feel this and always remember she is special and deserves only the best as well.  I have not always known this for myself, I never knew my worth, I accepted much less then I deserved.  David changed all that for me in the past six months and now I can never accept less than the best without turning my back on what I know to be true.  I am special too, I deserve to have someone who loves me and thinks I am incredible.  Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't any of us deserve this?  The only reason is our fear that holds us back from our true worth.

Not everyone is as lucky and strong as Paul and Andrea, we as parents have to teach our children their self worth until they believe in themselves.  I know that I have not been the best mother due to my own upbringing; however; I cannot use that excuse to not work on being a better mother.  I know better, that means I have to work to be better.  I love the quote that says, "when you know better, you do better".  This quote is so true and inspiring, to me this means I cannot continue to beat myself up for past mistakes but it also means I cannot continue on that path because I do know better.

I love my two daughters and I think they are beyond amazing and so strong.  I have been blessed to have 2 wonderful daughters who teach me daily that although I am not the best mother, they love me and I adore them.  I will continue to strive to be a better mother, a better friend and a better person by continuing to grow and believe in myself.  Otherwise, I cannot expect this from my children, if I don't expect it from myself.