Be About Actions, Not Distractions

It's funny how time gets away from me, before I know it a week has passed by, I have been overwhelmed with things going on. I feel like I have been doing catch up for quite some time. You all know I love working from home and how grateful I am to have that blessing, I thought I would have all this extra time to do those things I never seemed to have time to do... but I think until I actually make a plan or a commitment to myself, nothing will change. No amount of extra time will inspire me to follow a plan because the truth is that the lack of time wasn't stopping me from working on myself. Although I said that and felt that, I believe it was an excuse. 

I know from past experience that I will never be successful with anything until I am all in, not just dipping my toe into the water. The excuses I have had for myself for well over a year are just that excuses... the question is what do I really want? If I don't commit fully, do I want to change? I am beginning to think what I am saying has been lip service, even to myself. It's funny how we think by declaring something that we will follow through. Thinking doesn't change anything, actions do... talk will never help me to attain any of the goals I say I want, actions are the only thing that will do that. 

I talked to my friend last night about joining up with the Canada Games Centre, we both want to work on ourselves and I feel that if we do it together it will help immensely... I know that it won't keep me on track as I am the only one who can do that for me... however; I think the buddy system helps to start me on the right path, what I do there when I get there is up to me... I have tried a little and I do mean a little yoga but I feel so uncoordinated with no balance. I didn't commit to it, yet I am fully aware that whenever you start anything it takes time to get to where you desire. 

 

Then I read a blog this morning My New Happy which reminded me that I can't do everything all at once, I can't be my best the first time I try something and I can't give up because of it... the first day I decided walking was what I would do to get healthy and exercise, I walked one mile, it took me close to 23 minutes to walk it... it was tough, I had to stop and rest twice, I was red, out of breath. I wondered how anyone could walk a mile in under 15 minutes. The next day I walked another mile, I built on it slowly, before I knew it I was walking 3 miles a day. It took me nearly 6 months but I got my mile under 15 minutes.  

I didn't give up because it was hard, I committed to putting the time in because I made it important to me. So, as difficult as yoga seems to be, I am going to commit to 10 minutes starting tomorrow. Before I know it I will be able to hold a pose or balance for 10 to 30 seconds... along with this my sister has advised me of two very simple exercises where I can strengthen my back muscles, just because I am 53 I don't want to give up on myself and think this is it... plenty of older people live healthy lives with very little pain. 

 

I'm sure the excuses will come, they came with walking and I didn't give up because it was important to me... I want this to become essential to me too. I have given up on myself many times, I keep fighting back and I became stronger each time.... It's about time for me to commit to myself again and not give up so easily. I have set the alarm clock to get up 20 minutes earlier, eventually, I want to make it an hour... I loved my mornings in the past, it was me time where I could relax and get things done... it's quiet in the mornings, fewer distractions. I need to be about actions, not distractions!

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I Choose Me

I have had a pretty busy week, I am trying to get my walking in daily...  it's a challenge but I am trying to push through until it is easier. My past experience proves that it will be easier and more enjoyable with time. It's still a bit too chilly here and frankly I can't wait until I don't have to wear so many layers.  Also, I know for me that I need to have accountability for being healthy, it is much too simple to give into my weaknesses if I don't have to be accountable to myself. 

I don't want my life to be all about what I eat and how much exercise I do but for a little while that is what I need... saying this I need balance in all aspects of becoming healthy. I have lost my way and have used any and all excuses to do as I pleased... I don't want to say I need to get on track but I do need to become focused. I believe we have to choose ourselves... often we put ourselves on the back burner and when we do, we essentially are choosing others... I am all for serving one another but I also know that if we don't choose to take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to others. 

Things are coming together for me with being able to work from home, I had been looking for a place to live but that idea had to be put away for a few years due to the fact that my Valentina is going to need braces. I was despondent thinking about still having to travel back and forth to work for many years to come but... one of the people I follow through a blog helped me come up with a solution... This may not work for everyone but I am giving up my bedroom to use as my dedicated office and I will be separating my large living room into two sections and have my bed at one end. 

I am totally excited about how this solves my travel issues. I have spoken with my team leader... it's not something that can happen tomorrow but it is in the works. I have people coming to my home this week to help me declutter and organize so that I will be ready when the opportunity comes about.  Part of the problem with throwing things out here is that we have limitations of what and how much we can discard every two weeks. Thankfully one of the ladies coming is going to take many of the bags to the dumpster for me... I am so happy about this... I know that if I have others helping me I am going to be more motivated.

I have put myself on the back burner for far too long, when I injured myself I gave myself permission to be do and eat what I wanted... and if I am being totally honest I was already giving up on myself before I was hurt... I felt like if I could continue to exercise that I could do as I please otherwise... I now know getting hurt was my wake up call, I needed to see that I was over using exercise to keep my excuses that I had given up on me.

I need to choose me again, I did that a few years ago when I focused on becoming healthy in all ways. As much as exercise is important in my life, I don't need to do it to excess... As I wrote before I had some challenges that I wasn't dealing with in the way I should, instead I walked a great deal... I didn't want to look at it, it was so much easier to just go out and exercise it off... After talking with my physio therapist at great length, she explained that I was probably injured and that I ignored it and then really did damage that made me stop... Challenges come into our lives to wake us up... I decided that I needed to go back to basics and choose me... 

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Change Begins With Me

I have gone back and forth with writing for a few days now, there has been another change for me this week and I didn't handle it well... unfortunately that is the way I am, I have been working on that but it takes time. When sudden and life altering changes happen, I freak out but I always get to the stage where I work out a way through it, then I am okay. What I have learned from this last challenge is that I don't freak out as much as I would have in the past because I know there is way through.

I realized that this is not how I have always portrayed myself to people that I know unless they are a close personal friend. I wondered if that was the way I wanted myself remembered? The thing is that I am more myself here on the blog than I am with most people... because I have a hard time trusting that people won't be who they say they are... or who I know them to be. It was at this moment that I knew we all wear masks to the world of what we want people to see.

Sometimes you meet a few rare people in your life that you can open up to and be yourself and know that no matter what it's okay, they will be there for you always... just as you would be there for them. Then the unthinkable happens and everything you think you knew is gone... It was never as you thought it was... it makes you question everything and everyone.

I also understood that because I was unable to really trust that someone was being real with me just because people in my past didn't live up to what they said they were... doesn't mean that all people are the same. I know this for a very good reason because I can be totally trusted... I am not the only one; so that gives me hope that eventually I will meet someone like that, someone honest, open and real... someone who is not afraid of putting in the work to make it work out... someone who is not judgmental of my past, for I would not be judgmental of theirs...

So, although I know it will be difficult and maybe even disappointing at times, I am choosing to trust again, I am choosing to believe that just because my past did not turn out the way I thought it would, doesn't mean that my future can't be even better. I have dealt with many challenges in this past year particularly... I think loss of trust is probably one of the hardest things to deal with... I am choosing to trust again, since change begins with me...

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