Change My Thoughts, Transform My Life

I have been so busy and then I finally had a three day weekend... Saturday Valentina went off to camp for 4 days, I hope she is having a lot of fun... the weather has turned out to be wonderful for her. I spent the whole day at the salon getting my hair cut and colored... it's a school but they do great work and for a really decent fee.  Sunday I was wiped out, all I did was relax and get caught up will all my blogs... I had taken 3-4 days off reading and commenting... I really needed the time to refresh.

Today I spent more time cleaning and organizing... now that I have things in order, I just want to keep it up... I don't want to go back to where I was, it was overwhelming and depressing. One of the best decisions I made was to hire the lady that has helped me get my life and house in order. Since I am organized with my house, I have a strong desire to cook at home, instead of stopping off at the grocery store every morning for lunch, I pack a tasty and healthy one at home. 

So food wise I am feeling great, I am using My Fitness Pal and I'm tracking my food daily... I am not feeling like I am missing out as I am enjoying the fruit and vegetables that are available this time of the year... What I am struggling with is exercise, I don't know why I can't seem to push through like I did before. I just did it, I never used any excuses and I didn't care if I sweated... Lately all I do is rationalize about not exercising... which frustrates me as I know that moving more is a great way to get in shape and be healthy. 

I feel like I need to find that switch inside of myself that I found a few years ago... I was in the zone, nothing got in my way... I know that all I really need to do is just start, I have done it before, I can do it again... I don't have to go all out like I did before as I think that was a bit much for me and one of the reasons ended up getting hurt. I don't even want push to myself like I did before... I just want to start again and build on it over time. 

I have decided that I am going to exercise 3 times a week for a half hour each time per week to start with... it is something I can do so that I don't get hurt or give up. I would love to do it before I start work as that is the coolest time of the day, I am still waiting to work from home, I am not sure what the hold up is... all I can do it just be ready for when it happens... As soon as I do, I could exercise before work, have a shower, start work and kick off my day with a good start. 

Until that happens, I will have to make an effort to exercise after work, otherwise it could be another month and I would still be in the same place. The last thing I want is be in the exact spot I am right now... and I am the only one who can change it. Sometimes it's difficult to admit that it really is up to me, knowing this means that I need to put the effort in... no one will or can do it for me... I am hoping by changing my thoughts I will transform my life... again ...

 

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I Choose Me

I have had a pretty busy week, I am trying to get my walking in daily...  it's a challenge but I am trying to push through until it is easier. My past experience proves that it will be easier and more enjoyable with time. It's still a bit too chilly here and frankly I can't wait until I don't have to wear so many layers.  Also, I know for me that I need to have accountability for being healthy, it is much too simple to give into my weaknesses if I don't have to be accountable to myself. 

I don't want my life to be all about what I eat and how much exercise I do but for a little while that is what I need... saying this I need balance in all aspects of becoming healthy. I have lost my way and have used any and all excuses to do as I pleased... I don't want to say I need to get on track but I do need to become focused. I believe we have to choose ourselves... often we put ourselves on the back burner and when we do, we essentially are choosing others... I am all for serving one another but I also know that if we don't choose to take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to others. 

Things are coming together for me with being able to work from home, I had been looking for a place to live but that idea had to be put away for a few years due to the fact that my Valentina is going to need braces. I was despondent thinking about still having to travel back and forth to work for many years to come but... one of the people I follow through a blog helped me come up with a solution... This may not work for everyone but I am giving up my bedroom to use as my dedicated office and I will be separating my large living room into two sections and have my bed at one end. 

I am totally excited about how this solves my travel issues. I have spoken with my team leader... it's not something that can happen tomorrow but it is in the works. I have people coming to my home this week to help me declutter and organize so that I will be ready when the opportunity comes about.  Part of the problem with throwing things out here is that we have limitations of what and how much we can discard every two weeks. Thankfully one of the ladies coming is going to take many of the bags to the dumpster for me... I am so happy about this... I know that if I have others helping me I am going to be more motivated.

I have put myself on the back burner for far too long, when I injured myself I gave myself permission to be do and eat what I wanted... and if I am being totally honest I was already giving up on myself before I was hurt... I felt like if I could continue to exercise that I could do as I please otherwise... I now know getting hurt was my wake up call, I needed to see that I was over using exercise to keep my excuses that I had given up on me.

I need to choose me again, I did that a few years ago when I focused on becoming healthy in all ways. As much as exercise is important in my life, I don't need to do it to excess... As I wrote before I had some challenges that I wasn't dealing with in the way I should, instead I walked a great deal... I didn't want to look at it, it was so much easier to just go out and exercise it off... After talking with my physio therapist at great length, she explained that I was probably injured and that I ignored it and then really did damage that made me stop... Challenges come into our lives to wake us up... I decided that I needed to go back to basics and choose me... 

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Choosing The Road Of Success

I have been wanting to write since Saturday but I promised myself I wanted to get caught up with my blogs that I follow first, that took until today... if I take a day off, I get way behind. I honestly love following everyone and commenting because I think that is what the blogging world is about, it is about supporting each other. However; saying this, I do get overwhelmed at times. I do need to cut back a little here and there, I can't comment on every single post as much as I would like to... I am going to get back to allotting myself a set amount of time. 

What I really wanted to write about today is, as you all know I have been struggling with getting back to exercising and eating healthy... I know it is okay to treat myself from time to time but that doesn't mean daily. I hesitate to say these words as I know they will be taken out of context... but I was out of control... I don't think I need to watch every single thing I eat but I NEED to have limits. This is not for everyone but this is what I need, this is how I succeed. 

For the past three months I was upset because I couldn't walk and I sabotaged myself by eating whatever I wanted to... It didn't make me feel better, those things rarely do. I kept thinking in that mentality that I would get it together when I could start walking and exercising again... then I was given the green light and I still continued to eat whatever I wanted... I didn't exercise, I started feeling uncomfortable in my own skin... my clothes were not feeling good on me .... All of this only intensified my emotions more. So, if you remember, I said I was at a crossroads... I chose a path on Friday, I am tracking my food and being accountable for it now. 

Also, today I was waiting for a bus... I looked down the street and realized the sidewalks were pretty clear, I just took off and started walking... it felt great, I pushed myself ... as I walked I wondered why I had allowed excuses to get in the way again?... because it is easier to ignore my feelings and just eat them... that is what the old me did, ignored everything and ate. I didn't like how I was feeling, how I was coming up with one excuse after another. Finally a catalyst happened in my life a couple of days  ago and I couldn't be more grateful that it did... without it I would still be in that rut... 

I feel like I did when I first started my weight loss journey in 2013, which actually turned into my becoming healthy journey... I was so committed, I never let anything get in the way. The weather is not going to always cooperate with me, especially in the next couple of months but that will not be a good enough excuse for me not to be accountable to myself. One day I will write about what finally got me all fired up, for now it's just good enough that I am goal oriented again. 

I realize the most important thing I need to do is prepare my food in advance ... I won't say it is easy as I have never thought it was easy to eat right and exercise daily but I can tell you that I will feel so much better, I remember what it felt like when I did... this is why I never gave up wanting it back... I might have taken the longer road back to where I want to be but the good thing is that I never gave up and I took the right road... the one that will set me up for success. 

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If Not Now? Then When?

I had a really nice Christmas, Valentina was happy with her gifts. I had a few people over and I enjoyed all the food and company... it was really nice to share it with others... I think that's the best part of the holidays, visiting with each other and spending more time getting to know one another.

Saying all this I have been out of control with food, using any and every excuse from it's Christmas, it's a sad time for memories to I'm injured so why not? (basically feeling sorry for myself)... I kept telling myself I'll get back on track after this or after that. I lost focus and I didn't allow myself to see how far I have fallen. Not until a couple of days ago when I felt so uncomfortable that I could no longer ignore it.

This brings me to this blog post title: If Not Now? Then When? ... so I am not waiting until New Years or another predefined date, I am never successful with a date, I just have to do it and most of all I need to make a commitment to myself. So although I am not able to exercise the way I like to or need to, I am going to be accountable for my food. No matter what I eat, I will be tracking it in My Fitness Pal and I will be publishing it daily there.

I would love it if anyone of you wanted to join up there (my user name there is launnk) and work on your goals, even if you just want to maintain, it's a great way to stay healthy. I am and have always been about getting to and maintaining a healthy weight. It is not, nor will it ever be about losing a lot of weight. 

I'm a curvy girl and I love my curves... I have no plans to ever lose them all. We are all built with different shapes and sizes, I say celebrate it and love ourselves no matter what size or shape we are...however; feeling comfortable and healthy in our skin is important.

I don't want it to be an obsession, nor do I want to be so rigid that I feel like I am denying myself any food groups. This is going to be about portions and feeding my body the healthy food it needs and desires. Ever since I hurt my leg, I used it as an excuse..  then I kept thinking how I needed to get on track. Yesterday I thought, If Not Now? Then When? ... Now is the time.... 

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I Am Bent But I Am Not Broken

This week ended up being a lot to deal with, first my leg is still injured... when I saw the physio therapist the week before I promised myself and her that I would do anything that she asked of me. She had given me exercises that I have done every morning and night, I slowed my walking down and I walked much less then I normally do... yet there is no change. It has become almost unbearable to walk and I ended up searching for my cane that I had to use a few years ago. 

 

I started thinking about people that have chronic pain and I felt so much empathy for them, here I am with a pain that it almost certain to pass eventually... yet I am not dealing with it very well... how do people deal with this all the time, everyday? With no light at the end of the tunnel... yet I know people like this in my own life and many of them handle it with very little complaining... I am in awe of them.  

Next I had moment at work where I did not handle myself well... it was many things, all the changes, the pain in my leg and the time of the year (The Christmas holidays are not happy for everyone). Thankfully I have very understanding people that I work with and they were able to alleviate some of the stress I was dealing with. It will still be a bit trying as it is coming into year end, one of the busiest times of the year for payroll but at least I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now... unfortunately I had to have a bit of a meltdown... however; I am sure we have all had a moment when we had to much going on at once. 

Then of course this time of the year has not been good for me, it is a constant reminder of what I almost had and what I lost. I know that by holding onto that sadness, it only holds me back from what the future has to offer. There were times I thought I had got over hump and I could see a different path to take but then I'd have times that brought it all crashing back. Acceptance is extremely important to moving on and it is one of the most difficult things for me to master. 

I am well aware that my future has nothing to do with my past anymore, it hasn't for a long time... deep down I don't even long for what I felt was to be my future, as time has proven to me that no matter how happy I was then, it couldn't have been a long lasting happiness as I have come to know things about 'him' that would have bothered me over time. Things I would not have been able to brush aside... and no, he isn't a bad person by any means, he really is a kind and sweet man... however; he doesn't have it him to forgive people that make mistakes. I need the person in my life to be forgiving as unfortunately I am going make mistakes, like anyone else. 

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, one that nearly broke me in the past few years... I had refused time and time again to see 'him' as he really is... I wanted to remember 'him' the way I had dreams about 'him'... if I really saw 'him' as he was, I would have to admit that I am the one that is responsible for the challenges I have had to deal with... no one but me. I couldn't hold anyone accountable, not 'him'... not her... just me... With that realization I also knew I could change the future, as I am bent... but I am not broken.

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Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 

I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 

I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
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Writing Is Like Breathing To Me

It feels like a very long time since I have written, yet it has only been a couple of weeks... I am glad that I took the time for a variety of reasons, one I actually started getting a handle on my housework, it had began to be a problem. I still have a bit to do but I am on the right path. Two, I needed to think about if I wanted to write here again... I took the time to go through many of my blog posts, reading and sharing them. What I concluded from all of it was that although I may write about the same topic often, I have grown from it each time.

Nobody masters anything immediately, we learn a little more each time, be it about forgiveness, love, growth, challenges... etc... It is much like how I changed to become healthy by eating better and exercising. I found that with writing, it kept me accountable... these past two weeks I have been doing my own thing and feeling the effects from it. I want to change that, I want to get back on track and I knew with writing I could get there again... I wrote a thought down about a week or so ago and I thought about it a lot each day. 

I heard someone say how music was like breathing to them... I then wrote 'writing is like breathing to me'... I think we each have something that we are passionate about, something we love that makes us come alive... Well, writing is what does it for me. I remember when I was growing up and most of my family were artists and I thought, why didn't I get that awesome talent? I came to understand that this was their passion and mine came through writing my thoughts.

I don't pretend to think I am a great writer by any means but what I do have going for me is that I am open and honest about who I am and how I feel... I have had many people tell me how they appreciate and admire that in me... I never understood that it's not something that is easy to do until recently... each time I write it's like exposing a part of myself ... that isn't simple. 

When I started writing many years ago, something I had wanted to do for a long time, I had no idea that I would have so many people throughout the world that would care about what I was going through or what I have come through in my life. When I decided not to write and to think about if I wanted to continue, I offered for you all to connect with me in other ways and I was extremely touched with how many people reached out to me.

I've heard many people talk about the page views they have per day, the massive amounts of followers they have attained and how successful their blog has become... I realized that even if I don't have all of that I am successful in that I have wonderful people that really care about me throughout the world... besides the truth is that no matter what, I will always write because 'writing is like breathing to me.'

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I Made The Choice To Change

This week found me taking some much needed time for myself, I had been letting myself do what I wanted when it came to eating and lack of exercise... I had a 'good' excuse with the weather being so nasty that I had given up on myself in the past six weeks. Finally I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel of this Winter... before I saw it though, I had made a decision to change my mindset. I kept saying there was no where to walk for me but I live close to a grocery store and across the street from a mall that keeps their areas very well cleaned.

Four days ago, I decided that although it was not my optimum walk that I wanted to do, I mapped out a path of a mile in a figure eight around both areas. I cannot begin to tell you how much better I have felt physically and emotionally with the exercising back in my life. I also know there will be days where other weather conditions will take over and attempt to give me excuses not to exercise. For the rain, I have a great pair of rain boots and a raincoat.... so what if I get wet, this is my health and that is important to me to look after myself.

As well, I will have down times from cardio, it's not good to do it every single day, even if I enjoy it... yes, you are reading this correctly, I enjoy cardio. It feels good to push myself beyond what I think I am capable of, I am slowly building up as I am going to be completing a 10K this Fall. The sign up for it is in May, once I pay for it then, I will have no more excuses not to do it... I don't care that it will cost me money to join up, I am worth the money. Although I do plan to run some of this 10K, I will most likely walk/jog most of it and that is okay with me... completing it is my goal.

I will be keeping you up to date with my progress as I go along... I am excited that I have finally decided to get back on track. I had allowed the Winter to get in my way, I know that before the next Winter gets here, I will have to have a plan in place so that I don't let it give me excuses not to succeed... Nobody can make me want this for myself, I am the only one... and although I am highly competitive... I am more so that way with myself. Each time I go out, I try to be better than I was the last time...

I am aware that life will get in the way and that I will not be on all the time, I love to think that I will but that is not realistic... however; I am not giving myself permission to go off the rails for any length of time... I am accountable to myself. Ways that I am going to be accountable is with using My Fitness Pal and tracking my food everyday... using Map My Walk and turning it on whenever I am walking... as well using my Fitbit to keep track of steps.

Today was one of my first tests, when I went to bed last night, I saw on the Weather Network that it was going to snow today (UGH)... I made a decision right away that when I got up, I was going to go for my walk first thing... It was cold as I only had a tee and a hoodie on... but I know myself in that I become extremely hot the further I walk... I sucked it up, did a four mile walk/jog and had a small rest and then went out and did another mile... I just looked outside and it is snowing... exercising is going to be about being prepared and doing the hard work.

I had allowed circumstances and people to get in the way of my desire to be healthy and strong... No one can make me do the hard work that is needed, I had to decide I was important enough, I had to make the choice to change...

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A Dream Without Work Is Just A Dream

I have read often and in many places that it takes 21 days to create good habits or break bad habits. Either way I am into my 18th day still going strong... I have walked for a little over 14 hours and that equates to almost 50 miles. It hasn't been easy and there have been days that I thought it was too slippery, too cold, too hard (just excuses for me). Each time those thoughts came into my head, I asked myself what I wanted more? Did I want more excuses that held me back from change or did I want results that showed true change.

The answer always came back that I wanted results that showed true change, I pushed through day after day of cold, bad weather and aches and pains... my reward was losing 15 pounds ... as well I proved to myself that I am not a quitter, when I make a commitment and hold myself accountable, I succeed. I want to thank each of you who have either inspired me by your hard work and for all the encouragement along the way. Ultimately it comes down to my getting up and showing up but it makes it that much easier when I have people that are encouraging me continually.

It helps me that I have had success in the past but it didn't make it simple to get myself back on the path... life happens and it is so easy to take our eye of the goal with all the trials and challenges that are put in front of us to deal with. I want to be bigger than any trial or challenge and that means I have to be present in each moment. There were days as there will always be days that life becomes incredibly overwhelming but I don't want those days to define my long term commitments to myself.

I also think that for me, getting in shape physically and becoming healthy is only a small part of the changes I need to make. I don't talk about or discuss my faith with many people, not because I am ashamed, as I am not ashamed. I am grateful for my beliefs and knowledge. However; saying that I also think each person has their own personal beliefs and I want to respect that in others as I would want them to respect that in me.

Last week I attended my church service, it had been a long time... the gifted speakers challenged each of us to make a change to get fit physically, emotionally and spiritually. A couple of weeks before I attended church, I had asked myself some hard questions ... was I happy where I was? would I be happy in the future if I kept on the path I was on?... I knew the answer was no and that meant I had to make the necessary changes in myself if I ever hoped to have a different outcome. Then I attended my church service, there were the talks about what I had already made the commitment to a couple of weeks before, which showed me that I was on the right path, it felt good.

Life and challenges are going to get in the way, I am going to have to make the decision each and everyday I wake up to keep the commitment I have made to myself. Of course it will not be easy, of course I will fail from time to time but I am not allowing the minor failures to take away from my successes. I used to sit and dream of the life I wanted, now I get up and work for that dream daily. Dreaming is good but if you don't put the work in, it is just a dream...

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Standing Up To My Excuses

I just wanted to give everyone an update with where I am ... I am motivated, it feels like the time when I started in June 2013. I have walked every single day for over two weeks but one due to a snow storm... I have been planking and I made it to a minute which is awesome for me, the first day I could barely perform for 20 seconds, as well I have been eating fantastically... because the truth is, there is no amount of exercise that will help you lose weight if you don't eat properly.

I have been facing my problems without anything to cover them. Is it easy?  Absolutely not! Will it be worth it down the way, I believe it will. I am  already seeing things a bit clearer... those things are not easy to see though, they are downright difficult but running or hiding from them doesn't make them disappear. Dealing with them head on is the only way to conquer any of them... no matter how painful it is and will be in the future.

I think getting to this point has been one of the longest and hardest roads I have taken, I was on that path when I started in June of 2013 but when I lost 'him'... part of me lost the ability and or desire to stay focused on that road because a more difficult road arose. It was very sad for me to find out that although 'he' had told me on many occasions that I was very important to him and that nothing would ever come between our friendship... that turned out not to be true when push came to shove.

I had a hard time reconciling that all in my head, we had been there for each other for nearly three years, we had talked everyday... texted all the time through out the day and rarely if ever went to bed without saying goodnight. Right up to a couple of days before it all changed in late September of 2013, he had told me that I was very important and special to him, only a couple of days before that.

Having it change within a couple of days was like I had been in a tornado, where my life was turned upside down and inside out. I am surprised that I continued on my path of exercising and eating healthy for as long as I did... however; I found other ways to get through the emotions and none of them were healthy either. Last month, I took a very long hard look at my life and where I was and I didn't like it, I had started eating unhealthy again and I had come up with excuses not to walk or exercise.

I knew that it all changed in September of 2013 and that dreadful emotional road I had to take .. it is hard to see that I had allowed that to take me off track. I remember the night I consciously made a decision not to feel any more, I hadn't slept for more than a couple of hours per night for almost three months and I was almost in hysterics... I decided then and there I would do whatever I had to, so that I did not have to feel the emotional pain that was threatening to pull me apart.

So, I went down that path... strange thing is it didn't help me sleep, it didn't help me change how awful I felt about losing 'him' and it didn't help me feel any happier. I wanted to be numb, I didn't want to feel anything... the pain and sadness was more than anything I have ever had to deal with in my whole life. I now want to feel the pain, not just need to feel it but want to feel it... so that I can change it and stay on the path I was meant to be on...

The word excuse is not in my vocabulary anymore, oh... and every time I felt like saying 'this was not the way my life was supposed to be'  I didn't let myself say it or think it... I changed it to 'if this is not where I am supposed be then do something about it.' Do I have any delusions that I won't stumble or stray, no... I am human as we all are but I don't think I will stray as far....

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Excuses Are Just Doubts

I started this post three nights ago, I wrote six paragraphs and then deleted three. This is a difficult post for me, I have been in a rut of excuses. I realized that a few nights ago when I started taking stock of where I was spending all my time... I had slowly allowed TV to take up all my spare time, it's comfortable and you don't have to think ... So, this blog entry came about...

I follow a variety of blogs, one type being diet and exercise blogs, these last few weeks many of the people have been struggling, being very open about their feelings and very honest in their food choices and sharing them with us.

It would be easy to question their choices in food... but why? It isn't the food, it's the emotional reasons. We all have them, crutches if you like, possibly excuses but truthfully... it's not simple to say just eat right and exercise.

I know for me I have to look inward as to why? I have to fix that first before I'll be successful. So, I had quite the week with questioning myself as to why I am not dealing with some things head on. Instead I am burying it with all kinds of excuses.

I had to ask myself some hard questions, some of the answers I didn't like... I am not being consistent with my goals, I put in the effort and then I slide. I gave myself the right to have excuses with taking this course or whatever else I wanted to include for not putting in the work.

I am not going to sit her and say that I will walk 15 or 20 miles per week but I am going to say that I will walk three or four days per week and I will utilize the gym at work for some strength training twice per week. Most of all, I am eliminating TV from my activities, I can see how it gave me the excuse to be lazy. I went without it for five months when I changed my life and I didn't even miss it.

Also, I need to be accountable to myself, so at least once per month I will give an update on how things are going here. The thing is that I know I can be successful at whatever I put my mind to, I have seen it throughout my life. It is when I let any doubt creep in that I fail, what I have learned over the years is to not let the failure take control for too long if... at all. For me, excuses are just doubts... doubts I am going to overcome...

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