Be About Actions, Not Distractions

It's funny how time gets away from me, before I know it a week has passed by, I have been overwhelmed with things going on. I feel like I have been doing catch up for quite some time. You all know I love working from home and how grateful I am to have that blessing, I thought I would have all this extra time to do those things I never seemed to have time to do... but I think until I actually make a plan or a commitment to myself, nothing will change. No amount of extra time will inspire me to follow a plan because the truth is that the lack of time wasn't stopping me from working on myself. Although I said that and felt that, I believe it was an excuse. 

I know from past experience that I will never be successful with anything until I am all in, not just dipping my toe into the water. The excuses I have had for myself for well over a year are just that excuses... the question is what do I really want? If I don't commit fully, do I want to change? I am beginning to think what I am saying has been lip service, even to myself. It's funny how we think by declaring something that we will follow through. Thinking doesn't change anything, actions do... talk will never help me to attain any of the goals I say I want, actions are the only thing that will do that. 

I talked to my friend last night about joining up with the Canada Games Centre, we both want to work on ourselves and I feel that if we do it together it will help immensely... I know that it won't keep me on track as I am the only one who can do that for me... however; I think the buddy system helps to start me on the right path, what I do there when I get there is up to me... I have tried a little and I do mean a little yoga but I feel so uncoordinated with no balance. I didn't commit to it, yet I am fully aware that whenever you start anything it takes time to get to where you desire. 

 

Then I read a blog this morning My New Happy which reminded me that I can't do everything all at once, I can't be my best the first time I try something and I can't give up because of it... the first day I decided walking was what I would do to get healthy and exercise, I walked one mile, it took me close to 23 minutes to walk it... it was tough, I had to stop and rest twice, I was red, out of breath. I wondered how anyone could walk a mile in under 15 minutes. The next day I walked another mile, I built on it slowly, before I knew it I was walking 3 miles a day. It took me nearly 6 months but I got my mile under 15 minutes.  

I didn't give up because it was hard, I committed to putting the time in because I made it important to me. So, as difficult as yoga seems to be, I am going to commit to 10 minutes starting tomorrow. Before I know it I will be able to hold a pose or balance for 10 to 30 seconds... along with this my sister has advised me of two very simple exercises where I can strengthen my back muscles, just because I am 53 I don't want to give up on myself and think this is it... plenty of older people live healthy lives with very little pain. 

 

I'm sure the excuses will come, they came with walking and I didn't give up because it was important to me... I want this to become essential to me too. I have given up on myself many times, I keep fighting back and I became stronger each time.... It's about time for me to commit to myself again and not give up so easily. I have set the alarm clock to get up 20 minutes earlier, eventually, I want to make it an hour... I loved my mornings in the past, it was me time where I could relax and get things done... it's quiet in the mornings, fewer distractions. I need to be about actions, not distractions!

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Focus

There have many many posts going around about choosing a word for a year, as I read them I became inspired to come up with one for myself. At first, it was quite daunting, I came up with a few words but nothing resonated with me. By day three I began to think it was futile... but I didn't want to give up, that was when FOCUS came into my mind, then each day that went by, I heard it and it reverberated with me more and more. 

With choosing the word FOCUS, I came to a conclusion about my health... sitting here wanting to find a way to make a change is all good but without making a plan then nothing will change. I kept hoping that an easy method would be laid out in front of me, which is silly as it won't be simple, it will take a great deal of work and a great deal of FOCUS.  When I was successful in the summer of 2013, I didn't let anything get in the way... not even my 50th birthday, I was in a zone, I was FOCUSED.

So, I made a plan to get started, this weekend was the one to make plans, first I sat down and created a budget... I had played around with one for the last few years but never really sticking to it... There were times I would go to the grocery store and wonder if my bank card would have insufficient funds, other times I would check at the last minute and realize I would have to take money out of my savings account to cover living expenses. This year is different, I have budgeted for everything I can think of and mainly I have started a decent savings account which I don't want to dip into unless there is some sort of emergency. 

I really had to make a budget as Valentina will be seeing the orthodontist in the next six weeks and I will have a monthly bill for a few years ... it's a necessity though as I feel teeth are extremely important for your self-esteem.  I am very aware of this as my teeth were damaged excessively from the medication I had to take after the fire I  survived as a baby The Fire - 48 Years Ago. I was very blessed to have met a woman from my church in my 30's who offered to pay to have my teeth fixed, the dental school then took me on as a project and I didn't have to pay anything, for this I was incredibly grateful. It changed my life in ways I never would have believed, it was a blessing...

With the budget, I made room to spend a little money on my health... I will talk about it more in upcoming posts, although I have a great deal of weight to lose, I am not thinking about a number, I am using this opportunity to get healthy. Many of you gave me some really great ideas, I plan to try the indoor walking again as I physically cannot handle walking great distances outside and Yoga is my number one plan as I need to gain balance. I have seen it work for many older people, it gave them back their lives.

When I started working from home I took the opportunity to sleep in until 7:00 am and sometimes 7:30 am when Valentina has no school. With that I was staying up much too late at night, sometimes 11:00 pm which isn't helpful for me to get the proper rest I need to function... So, I am making 10:00 pm my bedtime and then getting up at 6:30 am spend 30 minutes doing yoga and meditation. Also, one of the best things I have done for myself is that I plug my phone in across the room so that I no longer play with it at night and when the alarm goes off, I get right up... it was a good decision... it will help me keep FOCUS....

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Change Becomes Easier With Support

I have been contemplating if change is as easy as some people say, I know that there have been times in my life where one minute I was living my life one way and then within a moment I changed and never looked back. Other times I want to flip that switch inside, only I fail over and over. I question myself as to what the difference is between my successes and my failures. For me, I think I succeed when I am no longer afraid of failure and I believe in myself.  

I have been trying to get back on track food wise and failing miserably... I wake up with good intentions and before I know it I fail. Part of me believes I cannot have success without cardio exercise and at the moment it just isn't possible. I have to come to terms with that, I need to take a step in the right direction and have confidence in myself again.  I achieved a goal I had long ago thought wasn't possible, I did it in a moment and for very long time I didn't look back... not until I injured myself and this is where I allowed failure into my life.

When I was injured, the switch I had turned on a couple of years ago was turned off, depression took over my thoughts and mind... the more pain I had the more I turned to food. The sad truth is that I am in more pain because of the weight gain...  it was difficult to exercise right after I was hurt... I lost sight of my long term goals. I gave into the short term injuries... and caused them to be worse... Sadly, I believe we all do this to a degree in our lives.

Why?  Excuses, fear, rationalization, doubt and feelings of inadequacy... Regardless of the story we tell ourselves, we either live with those choices we made or make a decision to choose better and do the work needed. Change can be easy when we commit with our whole heart, otherwise, change is difficult... but always possible. . .

As scary as it sounds and feels, the power to change anything is within us... the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Do I like admitting that to myself? No, it is easier to put the blame on other people and outside forces, however; I also know until I decide to do this for myself, I will not move forward with my health. The older that I become, the more I understand that without my health, I really don't have much.

So, I am open to ideas from everyone, I need to think outside the box... I would love to get motivated again. If I could get started with simple yoga and easy strength training ... I think it could get me started down the right path of becoming healthy again. If anyone has YouTube sites or websites that they find helpful, could you leave the links in the comments. I feel a little overwhelmed when I do searches as usually I find sites that are too complex, which means I don't stay with it. Also, maybe a group I can check in daily with to keep me accountable. Change becomes easier with support...

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Finding A Way To Release Stress

Friday was a bit better, I only became weepy a few times throughout the day, until I went to bed.  Than I sobbed for almost a half hour but I finally fell asleep.  Work kept me busy for a great deal of the day.  Thank goodness, I needed the diversion; I just wish work wasn't so stressful, I need one part of my life that is calm.

I felt like screaming yesterday and today, at the top of my lungs. I want to go into a forest or climb a mountain just so I could scream.  Instead I held it in, it's probably why I ended up sobbing last night.  My body and soul needs to release all my pent up emotions.

I just think I need to run, that would help me to get rid of some tension.  I really hope my leg is healed enough soon so that I can finally start.  I'm really looking forward to it, I think it will be a great time for me to just be with me.  When I am running, I will only be able to focus on my running and my breathing.  

I really miss living downtown Halifax, even though I don't live that far away from it (maybe 15 minute drive - hour walk).  It's still difficult when I don't drive, I want to join a yoga class and everyone of them are way out of my way.  I either need to find someone to go with or I will have to look into taking lessons on line.  I would prefer to go into a group atmosphere as I am held way more accountable.  Maybe I can find a couple of people to come to my house and take it on line with me.  I am going to check with my friends.

Have a great day everyone, I am going out to enjoy the sun!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I'm Going On A Journey

Today I thought I need to change some things in my life, some big things, some small things.  This got me thinking how I need to go on a journey, one of myself. I have decided that dating is off the table for me for at least one year.  One year of not even thinking about it, not trying to engage in it.  I am just going to be with myself this year.  I am going to get to know myself better in that I am going to try to figure out what makes me, me? 

I'm going back to the beginning, the first memories I had with my mom, then onward through the years of Ruth.... I want to see if I can find the moment in my past that I felt I didn't deserve to be loved?  When did that happen?  It certainly shaped me, allowed me to accept less as I felt I only deserved less. 

I am hoping this journey will finally give me a small understanding as why I have accepted so little and expected even less.  I am thankful my oldest Andrea did not take on that weakness of mine, I am hoping Valentina will not, this time I am taking the time to really figure out why I behave the way that I do.

I know I have overcome a lot of challenges in my life and became better because of them but there are weaknesses inside of me that I really want to change and I think I won't be able to make those changes until I can figure out what it is that had me thinking so little of myself.

Along this journey, I have also decided to finally do something about my weight, first I am going to look into getting into a running club, I am just going to make the time.  I think it will be therapeutic for me and it will help me to feel stronger so I can start doing even more things I thought I would or could never do.

My eating habits have become lazy lately... really unbearable for me when I was eating so very healthy for 6 months and then I just let it go.  So now I am thinking of doing a 30 day cleanse again.  I am also going to get into a yoga class to teach myself to breathe, this next year I am taking care of myself.

I have chosen Monday August the 6th as the day I start.  I will have time to research the yoga and running club places and I will be able to get my kitchen ready.  I am going to measure and weigh myself and I will start keeping up with this on a weekly basis.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Take 7 Minutes A Day For Yourself To Daydream

I know more now than ever that I was meant to post this blog, every time I think I'm ready; something comes up to make me doubt that inspiration that I had.  The closer I got to blogging it, things would come up like:  you don't have the Facebook page prepared.  Look at your life it's chaotic.  This isn't about me though, this is something I was touched and inspired by.

A month ago I was reading "The Power" by Rhonda Byrne and one of the things she advised was that we take 7 minutes a day to just be with ourselves. I'm taking it one step further and saying why don't we take 7 minutes and allow ourselves to daydream about whatever we want.

I am hoping we all feel like we deserve that 7 minutes a day for ourselves.  I also know how hard it is to focus without letting our mind wander, I have been studying up on yoga lately, I really am attempting to center myself for the 7 minutes each day.  A lot of the time I have actually taken more time, depending on how inspired the daydream is.

I think we all need to take this time to really think and dream about what we want because the more we focus on what we want and have the happier we'll be. The happier we are the more love we can give out.  Although I don't think there is anything wrong is dreaming of living comfortably, my daydreams are more about ideas.

What I'm hoping is that each of us takes this 7 minutes a day for ourselves, there is nothing wrong in taking a little time for ourselves.  What I know will happen because it has happened to me, when I focus on a daydream, I find a way to incorporate it into my life.  For example, I want to lose weight, so I have been daydreaming of what it would feel like to be healthy, then I have been reading blogs about runners, I bought a really nice pair of Nike running shoes.  I am inspired to at least try this now... I want to prove to myself that I can do this.

I'm going to be designing a Facebook page for this and I am also going to create a tag line that will be a part of my blog each day.  I am hoping this will inspire all of us and that we will want to inspire other people so that they can see that it is possible to have the daydreams we dream about.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

First Step On The Path

I made that first step on the path, it started with cleaning some of Valentina's room, we made a good dent after 3 hours and 2 full green bags.  Much more to go but at least she is being open minded to it.  Instead of throwing my hands up and saying forget it, there is too much... I have decided to take it one day as it comes.  Each day I will do a little to get organized, make it part of my routine.

The next thing I am really thinking about is exercise, I want to figure out a way to incorporate it in my life so that it will be easy enough that I won't think of excuses not to do it.  I am hoping that our bus strike here will not be a long one, it has inconvenienced so many people.  Once it's over, I think I will try to walk a little more.

I also think I need to do something that will help me to relax, something like meditation or yoga, I am going to look into that.  I want as much calmness in my life that is possible.  The more calmness, the more love, the more happiness and joy.

Negative things happen, I am not looking for them.  I am only looking for the positive, there is always something to learn even from challenges.  I know the past couple of weeks have been a huge challenge for me, I'm not sure that I have learned all that I need to learn.  However; I know one day I will understand the lesson and see that it was for the best.

I also know I was meant to be happy and have joy, we all are.  That isn't just for me, it's an offer to all of us.  We just have to see the positive, the goodness, the love.  Whenever I think my life is just falling apart and believe me, there are days.  I remember how blessed I have been throughout my life, I have always known, deep down, in my darkest times... that there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I choose to feel happy, I choose to feel love... I choose to believe that I will have what I need in my life and even some of my wants.  All of course in accordance with what is best for me, it always ends up being what is best for me and that is when I see the goodness, after having made it through the dark tunnel.

I choose to give my best regardless of what other people give.  I choose to love even if it's scary, I choose to conquer my fears so that I can live the life I was meant to live.  My best life.