I Choose Me

I have had a pretty busy week, I am trying to get my walking in daily...  it's a challenge but I am trying to push through until it is easier. My past experience proves that it will be easier and more enjoyable with time. It's still a bit too chilly here and frankly I can't wait until I don't have to wear so many layers.  Also, I know for me that I need to have accountability for being healthy, it is much too simple to give into my weaknesses if I don't have to be accountable to myself. 

I don't want my life to be all about what I eat and how much exercise I do but for a little while that is what I need... saying this I need balance in all aspects of becoming healthy. I have lost my way and have used any and all excuses to do as I pleased... I don't want to say I need to get on track but I do need to become focused. I believe we have to choose ourselves... often we put ourselves on the back burner and when we do, we essentially are choosing others... I am all for serving one another but I also know that if we don't choose to take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to others. 

Things are coming together for me with being able to work from home, I had been looking for a place to live but that idea had to be put away for a few years due to the fact that my Valentina is going to need braces. I was despondent thinking about still having to travel back and forth to work for many years to come but... one of the people I follow through a blog helped me come up with a solution... This may not work for everyone but I am giving up my bedroom to use as my dedicated office and I will be separating my large living room into two sections and have my bed at one end. 

I am totally excited about how this solves my travel issues. I have spoken with my team leader... it's not something that can happen tomorrow but it is in the works. I have people coming to my home this week to help me declutter and organize so that I will be ready when the opportunity comes about.  Part of the problem with throwing things out here is that we have limitations of what and how much we can discard every two weeks. Thankfully one of the ladies coming is going to take many of the bags to the dumpster for me... I am so happy about this... I know that if I have others helping me I am going to be more motivated.

I have put myself on the back burner for far too long, when I injured myself I gave myself permission to be do and eat what I wanted... and if I am being totally honest I was already giving up on myself before I was hurt... I felt like if I could continue to exercise that I could do as I please otherwise... I now know getting hurt was my wake up call, I needed to see that I was over using exercise to keep my excuses that I had given up on me.

I need to choose me again, I did that a few years ago when I focused on becoming healthy in all ways. As much as exercise is important in my life, I don't need to do it to excess... As I wrote before I had some challenges that I wasn't dealing with in the way I should, instead I walked a great deal... I didn't want to look at it, it was so much easier to just go out and exercise it off... After talking with my physio therapist at great length, she explained that I was probably injured and that I ignored it and then really did damage that made me stop... Challenges come into our lives to wake us up... I decided that I needed to go back to basics and choose me... 

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It's Okay To Take A Break

I'm going to be taking a blog and social media break, there are a lot of things going on in my life. I need to figure out how to fit me back into the mix. I have been on the bottom of my list of priorities. As well, I've had a great deal on my mind and instead of dealing with it, I use blogging and social media to escape... but that is not conducive to dealing with any issue. As with everything, balance is the key... I haven't had balance for a very long time.

I know that it's not possible to be balanced all the time ... that is what challenges do, take you off balance to see how you deal with it... I don't always deal with it/them the way I want to.. I don't know how long I'll be gone ... not for good. I need to write, it's like breathing air for me and I love being connected with all of you. Many I'm happy to call friends... many I want to meet..

I will miss catching up with all of you, it's okay to take a break right? I'll be back soon, hopefully with some wonderful new insight. 

(Please feel free to email me if you want to at tweety_pie_36@hotmail.com)

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Rising Above My Challenges

I believe that there is nothing we cannot change as long as we want it badly enough... and for me as with others it is always a balancing act of finding new ways to stay engaged with the changes. I find that I make a goal and once I succeed I get bored and go back to my old ways. This is our nature, at least it is mine... I don't like failure (who does?) so I make small goals, instead of putting my whole heart into a bigger goal, which works to some degree, however; I always have to be evolving and reaching for more.

I was talking with some people about how we feel lost in our lives through the addictions we have... we all have them, some are very apparent, others we are able to hide more easily. When we are in the middle of these addictions we are sure there is no way out but there always is, is it easy? No, not easy at all... as a matter of fact, it will probably be harder than anything we have ever done. Addictions are strong, yet I believe we are stronger than any of our weaknesses.

For the past few years, actually if I am being totally honest, for the past 15 years I have been living my life in ways I have not been happy with... I became disappointed as I had goals and I never seemed to be able to attain them... I gave up and decided if I could not have them I would live my life anyway I liked. I sunk into all my weaknesses, I mean it was my life after all... I could make those decisions, it wasn't anyone else's to make right?

I am here to tell you that not one of them brought me happiness or joy, not one... sure, I had some short lived happy moments but nothing lasting... Everything came to a head on Christmas day last year, I was directly in the middle of all my addictions and I was so unhappy... as I have written before I had an event happen that could have completely destroyed me ... but I chose to go the other way. I admitted to myself that none of what I was doing was making me happy and that although I was willing to give it all up, I knew it would be hard and I would have more difficult choices in front of me, I knew deep down, it would be worth it.

I learned a great deal about myself in the past few months with that one event... I changed my life into another direction. What I learned the most was that I had not dreamed big enough and I had given up on myself... so although I did not attain the goals I had wanted to ... I should not give up on them as some of them are lifetime goals that I need to continue working towards. It is like my exercise and eating healthy, this is not just for today or until I get to a certain weight... this is a lifetime goal that I need to work on.

The minute I made the choice to change, I was relieved ... and although the path has been a twisting and rocky one back, it is one I plan to stay on... Although I may stumble, I will not stay down, I will always rise up and meet the next challenge. I would love to thank the person who caused the event in my life on Christmas day, for if she had not gone out of her way to hurt me, I would probably still be in my addictions and unhappy. Instead I took that event and made a choice to rise above it all ...

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My Amazing Bumpy Journey

This week has been both busy and inspirational... I felt lost and focused at the same time... one of those oxymoron's in life. While I was working on my exercise, I had let other things slide. Part of me kept thinking I should and could keep up with everything I need to do... don't other people do this? I must be prioritizing wrong, maybe if I just sat down and made a plan? Each time I would try to do this, something else would pop up. What I ended up figuring out... which I have always known, was that I have no need to keep up with others, just because I think I should.

When I try to keep up, being the best housekeeper, being the best blogger, doing the most exercise... on and on... I end up not being good at anything. I end up zoning out and throwing the towel in and figuring I will do it all tomorrow. I am not everyone else, I am not here to show that everything is perfect, nothing is perfect... everything is work which is fine. I am not trying to show anyone that you can have it all, I think we all have to make choices, ones that are good for us.

For me at the moment, exercising, getting healthy and becoming strong are at the top of my list... I don't want to look back in a year and say, darn, I wish I had started then... do you see that I didn't write about how I wanted to lose weight? I have weight I want to lose but that is not top priority, I believe if I get healthy, become strong and exercise, the weight will work itself out.

Another thing that is important to me of course is being a good mother, I haven't always been one, due to depression in my life... I can tell you that when depression happens to you, you can never understand how difficult it is to function, let alone be a good mother. I have been at the point that I have done the bare necessities... luckily for me I have had very good people in my life that have stepped up and helped me, instead of judging me. I think we all need to remember this as many of us are dealing with much more than any of us are aware of.

The third most important thing to me is getting myself right spiritually... this is not for everyone but it is for me, it helps me to balance my life out... when I am not working on my spiritual side, I am floundering constantly... I am doing things that ultimately make me unhappy which then lead me into a more difficult cycle... it is like I have no purpose. It isn't that life becomes simple as that would be a joke because when I decided to work on that part of my life, everything and I mean everything came crashing in around me... but I knew that was a part of my journey.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and I had written how I may not find the love of my life and get married and how it was all that I had ever really wanted. Someone questioned me and made me think about that... why was that all I had ever wanted? Many people have questioned me over the years about that and I never had a good answer, other than I wanted it... I still don't have the answer... but for once in my life I am starting to question it...

I think each of us has to decide what is important to them and not worry about what is important to others... our journey is going to be different than other people and there is nothing wrong with that. What is important is our journey and what we learn along the way... Mine is and has been bumpy and I may not have always enjoyed every second of it but I can say I am happy to be on that journey. All the twists and turns I have made, have brought me to where I am today and made me a kinder and more compassionate person.

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Balancing One Challenge After The Other

I have been wanting to write but of course life is keeping me busy. I have had a lot of changes going on this past week. I had to change sitters suddenly but this was Valentina's choice and request so I couldn't deny her. She really liked her other sitter but she has a brother Valentina's age and he just wouldn't stop picking in her. I think children have enough to deal with in their lives, they don't need to feel trapped like that.

My new sitter comes to the house, so Valentina doesn't have to get out of bed until 7 am, which gives her more rest.  I have noticed a change in her already, she seems happier and not so snappy, I am happy for her. She is very relaxed and smiles a lot more, The other great thing is that I will get to see her as soon as I get home, sometimes I didn't see her for an hour or more later with her other sitter.

Even with good change, it is still an adjustment... nothing is smooth sailing and I am sure things will come up with this arrangement but we will work through them. Soon enough she will be on her own and this whole phase in life will be gone, I will miss it a bit because it will mean she is maturing and wanting to make more of her own life choices. I thought Andrea grew up fast but Valentina's years are whizzing by at the speed of light. I decided to slow it down a bit, have more time where we aren't rushing and snapping, life is relaxing a bit... just what I need before I start my courses.

I have not been great about getting myself into bed at a good hour ... I guess it is because I know I won't actually sleep. So part of me thinks it is better to be productive, than to lay there and just think. Trust me, I have tried just laying there, one night it lasted for three hours. However; with everything all said and done, I still need to rest my body more, especially with the two courses coming up next month.

I have decided to take the next four months as a challenge, I exceed all my expectations when I take on a challenge.  I am going to have to be organized and prepared... I only expect success from myself. Blogging might become a weekend activity for me so that I can be focused, I am going to take it one day a time, see how I feel and go from there.

I know I can't stay away from blogging for any length of time, I truly love going through my feed and seeing so many favorites posts.  I am just going to have to be choosy through out the week and then give myself some weekend time to catch up with all of you. It is all going to take balance, we all crave that balance... it helps us to feel aligned.

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The Path That Is Leading Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am on my own tonight, that has not happened for a very long time... because my Cindy has been ill, I have Valentina all the time.  She used to spend a night at Cindy's house at least once per week, sometimes more... tonight Cindy was able to take her as I am participating in my 5K tomorrow.  I am excited that the day will finally be here, I plan to go to bed early and try to get as much rest as possible... I went for my last practice today and I am thrilled to say I kept my mile at an average of 14:42 per mile with a really large hill and another incline.  I don't want to make it easy for myself, that would be going on the track which is not what most 5K's are about.

In having this night for myself, I have time to think about things... It makes me wonder if what I always knew to be true was?  Or was it what I wanted it to be?  This past couple of weeks have opened my eyes in ways that I never knew they could be... I wrote the letter I needed to write but I haven't sent it... part of me wants to and the other part feels like it will finalize everything... What if I am not able to handle where the letter will take me?  What if it puts me in a place I can't come back from?  What if it changes everything?

Lately I am feeling like I have no one to just be myself with, everyone has so much going on, my Cindy is ill, really ill... I am very worried about her.  My David is busy with healing and other things, how I wish he and I could chat, I know it could change how I am feeling.  He always makes me laugh, he makes me see the sides of things I sometimes miss.  He is my best friend and he knows me inside out, no one knows me that well and I doubt that I would ever let anyone know me that well again.

Then again, I know my David that well too... as he has told me on many occasions... he has never been as opened with anyone as he has been with me, he feels safe with me as I feel safe with him... that's what friends do for each other, make each other feel safe.  He is the man I can always tell my secrets too and I will be the woman that will always be there for him... no matter what.  We will always be friends, nothing can change that, nothing ever will.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he told me that I am special to him and that I will always be that way to him and of course he is special to me. Sometimes life takes us on different paths but regardless of where his path and my path may lead, we will be intertwined as friends.

I am off to bed, I need to be up at 6:00 am as I need to be downtown for 8:00 am.  I will post the results tomorrow.  I am hoping to keep it under 46:00 minutes, I won't be running the whole thing but I will be walking as fast as possible, maybe next year I will be able to run the whole thing. I had a lot of weight I wanted to take off before I could actually run, it wouldn't have been good for my knees to put all that pressure on them, they are now starting to heal.  By next year I think they will be back to normal.

Thank you everyone for all the kind and encouraging words you have all given me, I am extremely grateful. This path I am on, the one to get healthy is one I will be on for the rest of my life and I am happy for that.  I am thankful that I finally see how important it is to eat healthy and to exercise too... I needed to do both together to be successful.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Sweeping It Under The Rug

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

This upcoming week is going to be insane. I don't know how I am going to keep it all together... My sister from New York state is in town until Friday, so I will want to see her. The final weigh in for the contest is Friday morning, so I will want to walk a lot. I have two physio appointments, a family dinner and I promised to get Valentina's ears pierced.  As well, I have regular cleaning such as dishes, laundry and sweeping... etc..

All of this with working full time and I am emotional... geesh. I know why I am emotional, I am just trying to sweep it under the rug until Friday when I will have time to deal with it.... I hope... I started feeling stressed when I realized I just don't have time to write this week, unless I give up sleep, which I don't advocate for me... However; I gave up a little sleep last night in hopes that it will be enough to tide me over until Friday... otherwise I might have a melt down. I know life is about balance but sometimes it is pretty hard to keep that balance when everything is being thrown at me from all sides.

I need to get through this week, spend time with my sister, walk as much as I can, win the contest and then deal with the issue under the rug. I'm afraid of that issue but I don't have the time or emotions to handle it right now; if I let myself think about it I cry... so I try not to let myself think about it.

I really pushed myself with my sister with walking yesterday, we walked over the bridge and back (1.3 miles each way) and we were able to maintain an average 15.15 minute mile. She challenged me, she looked like she barely broke a sweat, she could talk... I could not. She is in great shape as she has always exercised over the years where I have not... A good wake up call for me. Now that I know I can walk a mile in that time, I want to push myself to get there as much as possible... not every time but as much as possible...

Valentina and I are in need of mama/daughter time, which we will do tonight when I take her out to get her ears pierced ... next weekend will be about her and I as school is back in on Tuesday September 3rd... I took the day off so I could take her. I just want to help her get organized for the first day and I want her to feel special.  Starting out in the higher grades are scary, she is going into grade 5 and children are very clicky... I am trying to instill in her now that these children and their ideas are not important in the long run but it is really hard to get that through to your children as it feels all to real to them.

I have been so busy with exercising, I have had little time for anything else... hence why I swept some things under the rug... by doing this though, I have seen how emotional it makes me.. just a strong reminder that I have to deal with these issues as they happen... no matter how much I don't want to... no matter how afraid I am... There I go, crying again... If there is anything I have learned in the past two years is that burying anything just means it comes back bigger and more difficult to deal with... fearing the outcome is not a good enough reason to ignore it but time constraints are a good enough reason to at least hold off...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥  

Life Is A Balancing Act

I spent the whole day with my Valentina, we went shopping together and for the most part had a really good day but the preteen took over my Valentina and she snapped at me twice at the store... I was not impressed, so much so that I told her everything would go back if she could not control her words.  She maintained herself for the rest of the day.  I did not forget so easily though, I didn't want to start a scene in public but when we got home, I explained how she had made me feel and that in the future I would not tolerate the behavior. 

She certainly has the right to vent and voice her opinion but she is not allowed to snap at me like that, I do not snap at her.  If I am speaking in a harder tone than normal, it is because she has acted or said something inappropriate, I don't just snap.  Yes I understand that she is nine but I am very cognitive of the fact that if I let m guard down, she will feel it is okay to be inappropriate. Luckily my Valentina is a very kind and loving individual but we all have our days.

Monday I am hoping to go sign up so that we can start exercising daily... I have been very exhausted lately, so much so that I just want to crawl into bed and sleep but of course insomnia kicks in and I don't have full night sleeps.  I know, this is why I am exhausted, I am not sure how to train my body to sleep through a whole night.  I used to be an amazing sleeper, I would put my head on a pillow and sleep all the way through until the morning. Ever since I took on two jobs and had very little time to sleep, my body forgot how to sleep.

Even now when I only work one job and I rarely do overtime here either... but my body has never recovered from working so many hours at so many jobs.  Just because we can work like that, doesn't mean we should... I value my time now, if I do work a few extra hours here and there, I book time off instead of requesting the money.  I love my job but we all need time for ourselves, something always gives if we don't give enough time for us.

I am watching David do that right now, he is basically doing two jobs right now, he has very little time for himself.  Thankfully this will only last a few more weeks than he can take some time off for himself. I know that David loves his career, he is very dedicated and gives a hundred percent to his job but there has to be a balance.  I learned that about five years ago when I started my new job, I had left a job where I was working sixty five plus hours a week.

It felt good to slow down and relax, I guess that is why I guard my time so much now, I appreciate the quite times I have to just read or write.  I also realized that all the hours I put in for overtime, didn't really mean all that extra money, a lot of it went to taxes.... so I wasn't really winning there.  What I gained from all that was I didn't take care of myself and today I am still paying for it all with the insomnia...

I just need to get my life under some sort of balance... not that it stays there but at least I want to be putting out the effort.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥