If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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Challenges Are Worth The Pain

This has been a bit of a frustrating week for me... my walking and eating have been great and I feel on track with that... but other things have been frustrating. My main issue is my long travel times getting back and forth to work, which have been at least 90 minutes or more each way. I am at the mercy of our transit system that apparently has no clue how to schedule the buses. I have heard they are doing a total revamp but not until sometime in May or even later...  so I will just have to continue on the way I am until then.

I am weighing all my options as I cannot count on our transit system to get it together and actually work the way it should. I am beginning to think there is a reason why I am having to deal with all of this... I remember something Oprah either said or was quoting someone about how we are sent whispers, then taps, then bricks and finally the whole wall falls on us if we don't listen. I personally don't want the whole wall falling on me to make the changes I need to make.

I think we and when I say we... I am talking more about myself... when I have a huge change in front of me, the first thing I do is say no, I don't need anymore change right now... I'm good the way I am... but that is not growth. Typically I turn it around quickly and go with the change since it usually ends up being better for me even if it isn't always easy getting there. Actually it is never easy getting there but it always ends up that it is exactly where I am supposed to be...

I get into a comfort zone and think I can stay there and life will move along the way it is supposed to... yet I know logically that staying in my comfort zone won't help me get to the next level. I also have thoughts that I shouldn't have to go through anymore challenges, haven't I had enough? Silly, I know... that is not the way life is... everyone has challenges, no one is exempt, even if I look at their lives and think they have it all together it just means they are good at hiding their challenges.

This became openly apparent to me when I realized that the person that had done everything she could do to discredit me and hurt me was still trying to do this... it made me think about how her life 'seems' to be what she says she wants it to be... she proclaims how happy she is... yet if she was, why does she feel the need to keep trying to hurt me? That is a contradiction to what she is putting out there... that was a bit of an ah ha moment for me. It just looks like her life is wonderful without any crazy challenges like mine but she has ones that are inside.

I will keep my own challenges and deal with them one by one... at least I don't have the desire to lie and hurt other people and then pretend everything is okay... I actually will wish her happiness and peace, maybe if she can feel that she will stop attempting to hurt me... although she won't be successful as I have moved on from her... hopefully she can move on from me.

So, with my ah ha moments, I know that is the tap... I already had the whispers and ignored them... I don't want the brick or the wall falling on me... that means making some huge changes... scary ones where I will basically jump and build my wings on the way down... those are never easy but I guess if they were, they wouldn't be worth it ... Right?

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No More Hiding Behind The Weight

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I have a question for all my blogger friends who have actually written a book and had it published.  Believe me I know it must have been quite the endeavor to do this ... ever since I have taken back my life with exercising and eating healthy, I have had many people in my life tell me how I need to write about it... I scoffed at them, as truly how many people have written weight loss books or how they finally got to the weight they desired?  More and more I have been thinking that maybe they are right, maybe it is time for me to sit down, compile a book of my journey?  I have everything documented either through my blog, my Facebook, My Fitness Pal or Map My Walk... nothing is all in one place.

I guess I wonder how viable it would be to sit down and put this all together in one place, starting from what actually got me started to what keeps me on this path?  I have had many people comment on how determined I am, I have always been determined... I just never channeled it in the right direction or the right places.  I allowed life issues to take over and I allowed myself to use one excuse after the other to not be the best I could actually be.  Maybe out of fear, I don't know... maybe writing the book whether it gets published or not might answer those questions for me.

All I know is that lately I can't scoff at it as easily as I did in the past, sometimes I will be laying in bed and I have written a chapter in my head just like that.. I even have chapter headings and a possible title.  I have always wanted to write, it has been a desire of mine since I was a little girl.  Unfortunately I allowed other people to define me and I let circumstances in my life make me feel less than I was... Even I can see that I have massive determination when I put my mind to it... people can have a food I used to love to eat and I don't feel like eating it, not in the least.  I feel like I want to be healthy and strong over anything else, I do not feel deprived.

I have overcome a fire that burned me and broke my family apart, I have come through childhood abuse by my ex step mother Ruth, I overcame being a young single mother raising my oldest daughter on assistance, I became stronger after all the abuse Andrey heaped on me in our marriage and the rape after we were separated and I survived losing the love of my life my David.  These are all defining moments that could have taken me down and led me to a path of self destruction but I found the strength to come through each of these and even at my lowest after losing my David romantically I found the desire to finally pull out the strength to get my life on track.

Nearly a year and a half after the break up I dug down deep and finally started my weight loss journey, with every pound I lost I started finding myself more.  I never realized how much I had hid myself behind the weight.  As much as I hated the weight, it was my way of keeping me from growing to my potential as the more I lost the more I realized I had nothing to hide behind anymore.  It was kind of scary since I had given up all the other things I did to hide behind too... I had a plan, a goal of sorts and that came crashing down around me a few weeks ago too, still I stayed with exercising and eating healthy.  I can no longer hide anywhere, as each day moves on from the other, I realize I don't want to hide anymore...

Truthfully, if I can get through all of these things that I did, I can lose the weight and become the best me... Now to write the book, if anything it might answer questions for me...

Changes For A Lifetime

I took it easy today after I had walked over 5 miles on Friday, my knees have not completely healed from when I injured them in November.  The walking hasn't seemed to bother the knees, it is more if I am going down hill... I am going to look into physio this week just to keep on top of it, so that I don't cause any major issues.  As well my grand total of weight loss for 21 days is 15 pounds so far.... I am so determined to do this once and for all.  I also know that maintaining it will be the hardest part of the weight loss, this is a lifetime change for me.

I have really been enjoying eating healthy, my only issue is with the price of the food.  I think it is ridiculous that sweets and treats cost very little compared to fruits and vegetables. Regardless I bought only good food, I am not letting this weight control me any further for any reason. My body deserves nothing but the best, it certainly looks after me by walking wherever I make it walk and it gets me to work each day and back.  I am blessed and grateful for legs and a body that do so much for me... hence why I am going to look after them to the best of my ability.

I took Valentina out to swim at one of our many lakes in Halifax, due the weather being atrociously hot today... the humidex was at 35C today... that is incredibly hot, I nearly melted at times.  I thought it would be okay to wear a little pair of slip on shoes as I was not doing any great walking today, however; I learned my lesson again... if I am going to walk for more that 5 minutes at a time, I need to wear my sneakers, anything else is torturing my feet, which I have no desire to do this to my feet. 

So she swam for about an hour and a half and then we headed back home, just before we left to get groceries, her big sister Kim called (through the Big Sister/Big Brother program) and offered to take her swimming.  She was so excited and I was happy that she could get in another swim again while I went off to buy groceries.  One, I think whenever you can get a chance to go swimming, go for it and two I would much rather shop on my own than with a child... although my grocery bill was high, it would have had an extra 30-40 dollars with things she felt she needed...

The longer that I eat healthy and exercise, the more I wonder what took me so long to get to this point?  I know it doesn't really matter how I finally got here.. it matters that I am here now and loving the change.  Although it isn't easy, that's okay... I expect this to be one of the hardest and challenging life changes I have ever made.  It's feels good to me that even though this will be a lot of work, I want to do this, I want to make these changes and all the others I have ever talked about.

I remember reading an article one time about how once we made our mind up that the change would come quickly.  I thought, that is a nice pie in sky attitude, I really thought the change would be more of an effort ... but honestly it wasn't...  After not walking any distance for a few years (or longer), I made a mental decision to walk 21 days ago and I have not missed a day since then.  One of those days was a leisure walk on the boardwalk downtown but it was a walk and today was only two short walks, a mile in total probably but I got out and walked.  When I wake up I don't think what bus do I need to catch, I think where can I walk to and can I beat my last time...

I am not in a competition with anyone but me... yes I am in the competition at work but honestly that is really with me, this is mine to win or lose... I plan to win it.  There are other people that are dedicated to losing the weight but I don't see the determination in them that I have within me.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to get myself healthy. I am more tenacious and truthfully I am in this for the long haul...

I really wish that I could make other changes in my life and be happy with them... I guess one thing at a time right?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Where Our Thoughts Go We Follow

Where our thoughts go, we follow! Thoughts are the hardest things to control, we seem to just let them go in any direction they please.  I have seen when I'm in tune with what I want and how my daydreams, thoughts give me my desires when I focus.  It's me that gives up, has fears and fails. 

If we really knew how powerful our dreams and thoughts were, we  might be more careful about what we think about or we might open up the whole way. 

When David and I looked like we were actually going to get together, I didn't have a dream that it could or would go further.  I didn't believe in us enough, I actually thought I was incredibly lucky that he was even interested in me... That was my thought, what did the Universe give me?  Exactly what I thought. 

Over the past 7 months, I've grown and I have come to believe that David was just as lucky to have me.  I've learned of my self worth a lot in the recent past and I've even told David that he gave up the best woman for him ~ me!   He will never find anyone who loves, cares about him and who will be completely honest with him.  He'll never have anyone he can be himself with totally; that is so very rare to find. 

David tells me often that I'm a wonderful woman, I tell him, I'm amazing and don't forget it.  I know there is a reason that it all went this way but I do wish sometimes that I'd have had more confidence in myself.  I feel that hindered me because there definitely were no issues in our relationship. 

We are super close, totally honest and open with each other, no matter what, we respect each other, don't judge each other and we don't argue with each other.  You can't ask for much more.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield