Mediocrity Is Tenacious

I read this quote the other day and it resonated with me ... my friend and I were discussing how throughout our lives we have overcome one challenge or another and how good we felt about it. I told her how I was in the zone when I lost weight a few years ago and that when I was hurt, I let it slide and lately I have let mediocrity take over and why? Because it was easy. It was almost like I accepted it and believed it would just be better to give up... 

After I read this quote it made me remember how we might stumble and fall but we have a choice of staying there or getting back up, dusting myself off and making another choice.... because it is right, we are never done. There is no ending, there is only continual change. . . we don't just work out in the gym and say there, 'I'm done'... we can't just say I ate healthy and 'that's it'. I think we all want that, I know I wish it was easier as it sometimes feels overwhelming.

I am not back on track yet but I have a desire to get there, I haven't even had the true desire in such a long time. It has been frustrating to me as exercising is not easy at all, I am cognizant that I am going to have to put in more time at a slower and easier pace... I also need to commit to finding other ways to get to where I want to be. Just because I could walk for hours in the past doesn't mean that is the only way I can back to the path, the one where I felt healthy, strong and happy with where I was.  I was worried as winter is on its way and that time of the year tends to sideline me as it does many people...

Instead of thinking/believing I am set up to fail because of the weather, the weight and the physical pain I have... I just have to find another way, there is not just one path for us to get us to where we desire... There are many trails, falling backwards happens to us all, not staying there is a choice we each make. I was feeling helpless, out of control... sure there was no way to deal with the setback in my health...

Then I read the quote which popped out at me and reminded me I am tenacious, I have always been this way... I have made it through so many trials where once I was sure I wouldn't make it through. Like the quote says mediocrity is tenacious, I have to be more so... I need to be stronger than mediocrity... I cannot be comfortable when I make it to a certain destination... as the truth is that we should never be complacent and stop... we need to be reaching for the next desire that can help us grow.

I don't want to accept that failure is easier because I am tired of trying... that is definitely mediocrity that has found a way in ... basically, I let my guard down and I gave up but thankfully I don't have to stay there... I don't have to give up, I can keep fighting and I can succeed... I have to make that choice, I have done it in the past, I know I can do it again... that is how tenacity beats mediocrity...

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If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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Control Is An Illusion

 

I have been thinking more about being open to love as I wrote last week and contemplating how to really do this and not just give it lip service... because I notice that I do not commit the way that I should. The last thing I really committed to was becoming healthy... it was what I had to focus on. It wasn't a bad thing to put my heart and soul into it as I got to a place where I felt physically strong. However I believed I had control over it and nothing was further from the truth...

Something comes along and challenges you, you realize the truth is there is no guaranteed tomorrow... there is no real control... My defining moment came in November when out of the blue I was not able to walk... as you all know I became frustrated, disappointed, almost disillusioned... when I realized I couldn't make my body do what I wanted it to....  forces outside ourselves can change in a moment. 

I was reminded of many years ago when a friend of mine was going to visit her family in the valley... she and I had made plans for when she returned. She didn't return as she died in a car accident. I remember how fleeting life seemed that day.... death does that to us ... we never think about it until it happens... of course we shouldn't dwell on it as we need to live in the moment but I think we need to remember that life is about change ... we honestly have no control over anything except what we think and feel... 

All of this made me think about why I closed my heart, I wanted to have control over it... I felt if I did that no one could or would hurt me but in the process I almost lost the ability to feel much of anything. I have not felt true happiness or joy for a couple of years, it's true I once felt a joy more than I ever could have imagined possible but the flip side of that was despair. As I have written before I wondered if it was worth it... how could that joy be worth that much pain? So, no matter what happened, I didn't truly engage... when I did that, I didn't truly live...

After last week, I thought about how I want to engage... I want to live in the moment, I want to give up the illusive control because it hasn't served me well... I thought it protected me but I wasn't living... I was going through the motions. I don't necessarily think that opening my heart means romantic love, as I stated last week, I will be okay without it... but what I am not okay with is holding myself back for fear of pain, which doesn't let me move forward. This is why the thought of opening my heart has been at the forefront of my thoughts... the minute I contemplated it is when I started feeling tense... 

I know that is fear ... I want to step past it, it isn't easy... it means allowing myself to feel... happy or sad ... it means allowing myself to believe that it won't always be sad and mostly it means knowing that even though I want to control it... it's really illusive... control just meant holding myself back... Besides it's an illusion that I am giving up so that I can be ready to take on whatever comes my way...

 

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How About We Stop Pretending?

I know most of us put on persona's or facades, sometimes because we think that is what people want to see, others because we want to appear stronger than we might be... sometimes because we fear if we give into how we are really feeling behind the facade that we may always remain there. I am here today, taking the facade off... I am struggling in all parts of my life... not just slightly struggling but all out overwhelming struggles. Do I think I am the only one, not at all... however; I think we don't share it enough because we are sure people will either judge us or try to tell us to just think positively. 

There are times that thinking positively does not make things better... and no I don't think any of us should wallow in negativity, I agree we need to keep reaching and working on attaining a positive attitude. Yet, I think we also need to admit when we are feeling weak and possibly out of control. I actually don't think that it is weak to admit that... it is like people that are dealing with addictions, they need to be able to admit their weakness in the open so that they can gain strength from people . Often it is admitting their weaknesses that helps them to become strong in time. 

 

I have been struggling with every aspect of my life, there is no where that I am excelling... usually I have my writing that helps to elevate me... and in part it still does but... if I am not truthfully saying how I am feeling and what is really going on in my life... am I being authentic? That is not me, if anything I am extremely authentic but lately I haven't been, I have just been muddling through... thinking if I can just keep pushing forward I will get to a place that I don't feel so out of control... However; I just feel more and more overwhelmed. 

Before I go any further, I hope people can understand that no one really knows what is going on inside of someone. Just because everything looks okay on the outside doesn't mean it is... and just because things look good on the outside doesn't mean any of us has the right to make a judgement of that person. Since I have not been really speaking my truth, it has been spilling out to where it is now showing on the outside. Personally if I don't deal with my feelings by being open about them, they come out in other ways. I am sure we can all say the same thing... in no way do I feel that I am the only one. 

I can no longer sit here and say or pretend everything is okay, it isn't... I spoke about how I don't handle disappointment well... lately it keeps coming back to me about how my life is no where near what I had hoped it to be... I understand that often we have to give up what we thought we should be to become what we are supposed to become. I have given up a lot of those dreams and honestly nothing is replacing them. What am I working towards? Just working for another 15 plus years...? What is good about that? 

Plus I was injured again this week, it was a freak incident... I just put my foot down and I hyper extended my knee... I couldn't walk for days and even now that I can, I still feel tenderness and pain... my physio therapist says it will probably be 4-6 weeks before I am back to myself... yes I can walk again but nothing like what I could... I need to be able to walk, it is my stress reliever... I don't know what else to use right now... I feel like I am falling further, wondering if I will find a way to stop free falling ... ?

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If Not Now? Then When?

I had a really nice Christmas, Valentina was happy with her gifts. I had a few people over and I enjoyed all the food and company... it was really nice to share it with others... I think that's the best part of the holidays, visiting with each other and spending more time getting to know one another.

Saying all this I have been out of control with food, using any and every excuse from it's Christmas, it's a sad time for memories to I'm injured so why not? (basically feeling sorry for myself)... I kept telling myself I'll get back on track after this or after that. I lost focus and I didn't allow myself to see how far I have fallen. Not until a couple of days ago when I felt so uncomfortable that I could no longer ignore it.

This brings me to this blog post title: If Not Now? Then When? ... so I am not waiting until New Years or another predefined date, I am never successful with a date, I just have to do it and most of all I need to make a commitment to myself. So although I am not able to exercise the way I like to or need to, I am going to be accountable for my food. No matter what I eat, I will be tracking it in My Fitness Pal and I will be publishing it daily there.

I would love it if anyone of you wanted to join up there (my user name there is launnk) and work on your goals, even if you just want to maintain, it's a great way to stay healthy. I am and have always been about getting to and maintaining a healthy weight. It is not, nor will it ever be about losing a lot of weight. 

I'm a curvy girl and I love my curves... I have no plans to ever lose them all. We are all built with different shapes and sizes, I say celebrate it and love ourselves no matter what size or shape we are...however; feeling comfortable and healthy in our skin is important.

I don't want it to be an obsession, nor do I want to be so rigid that I feel like I am denying myself any food groups. This is going to be about portions and feeding my body the healthy food it needs and desires. Ever since I hurt my leg, I used it as an excuse..  then I kept thinking how I needed to get on track. Yesterday I thought, If Not Now? Then When? ... Now is the time.... 

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I Had And Have A Choice

I'm going to talk about something that happened at church Sunday, I rarely discuss my religion on the blog and I'm not really going to start today... but I needed to explain how I was emotionally touched and it came from a lesson there.

It was about how we needed to listen and follow a certain path if we really wanted to be happy. I knew what they meant but it brought up emotions that I wasn't able to deal with as well as I had hoped... I broke down crying. I wanted to share my feelings with the other ladies there but I wondered if it would be too much for them.

This was because I thought about the many paths that I have followed in the past, many of them dark and empty, all because I was looking for peace and happiness. None of those paths I chose brought this to me, when a challenge came up in the past, I wasn't always strong enough to make the right choices...

I was dealing with the aftermath of my trials and my choices ended up having me fall deeper into darkness. There would be times I would have some clarity here and there, where I'd turn things around but none of them were real life changes as the next trial that would come along, I would fall back into old patterns.

I don't think most people knew how far I fell... it wasn't pretty, there were times I was out of control, so out of control... I couldn't even admit it to myself. It wasn't until this Christmas past that I gained a clarity that I had not felt for many years, where I came to understand that I could not continue on those paths... as I knew that no matter how hard I tried to cover the pain, it wasn't working anymore.

With that clarity came more trials then even I thought possible ... there has been incredible opposition but I knew this would happen as I can I see the trials for what they are and I am making other choices... ones that don't involve hurting myself anymore ... choices that are helping me to see even more clearly.

I remembered of course that I'm just human, I made mistakes, I will make more... ones that are hard to live with, ones that formed my future and although I can move forward and make better choices which I plan to and I have... I still have to live with the choices from the past.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in true forgiveness and I have forgiven myself for the poor choices I made... most of them out of sheer sadness and depression... some made because I was beyond exhausted from lack of sleep and I knew of no other way at the time.

Regardless of the reasons,  I understand I was a hostage to my choices and that even though I had once thought I was free because I could make them, I was actually more unhappy because of them... Changing those choices brought me a freedom I needed.

I'd like to say that it is easier now but that's not so... but like that quote about it not being easy but it being worth it.. I believe that now. The greatest thing I learned was that I had and have a choice...

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Peace Within Chaos

I have been in a reflective mood this week... thinking about how I just want to attain some peace in my life because I was thinking for me, without peace my life is out of balance... and life without balance is chaos.

I then started looking up quotes about peace and how to attain it... I love quotes that make me feel... that is most of what I collect on my Pinterest boards. I found the quote above that resonated with me... at the same time I understood where the chaos was coming from and the importance of having chaos; but with it I also think I can have peace.  I don't want to have peace where I never get challenged to be more of who I am meant to be, for that is not a life worth living.

The question wasn't how to rid myself of chaos, it became how to have peace in the chaos. This is where I think growth really happens, especially for me... when everything seems calm and I am going along without any bumps is when I am not growing... I am just being. For me, that is not enough... I need to be continually challenging myself and that is where the chaos comes in... it challenges me to think outside of the box I am in at any given moment...

The quote below made me realize that although chaos disturbs me, it also moves me to change. With this I came to an understanding of why I had to have the chaos I had before Christmas as it was what helped me to change my life around. Although this week I was floundering around a bit, I knew that writing about it would help me to figure out what it is that I needed to get back on track.

For me to get back on track, I had to admit to myself that I cannot be in control all the time, I had to understand that giving up control doesn't mean I will fail... it means I need to trust the process and that if I try to be in control all the time, this is where I will fail and never progress... I was in a mindset this week that if I could be in control, I could have peace...

I like when a light bulb comes on with me... as I am sure most of us do... it can be tough being in the dark and wondering if I will ever see the light again... but of course we always do...  When I first started writing today I wanted to figure out how to live my life in peace without chaos but as I wrote I realized that isn't feasible with growth... for me, chaos is a necessity to achieve peace...

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Trials Equal Blessings

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I logically know that I cannot control anything,  yet I am continually trying to control something in my life.  Today I was at work and waiting in between calls, just thinking how far I have come since June 15, 2013, when I started my journey to get healthy and lose weight.  I got on the scale at work this morning and was pleasantly surprised that I was down 65 pounds since then, I have less than 25 pounds left that I want to lose.  This goal is so within my reach, I have taken to walking a little in the morning and at lunch.  I have been working late most of this week so I haven't been able to walk in the evening and Valentina has been sick for about 10 days so we have not been out to the Canada Games Center.

I am giving her the weekend to feel better, she is starting to but I don't want her over doing it and becoming sick again.  So, I won't be back to the gym until Monday... until then I am going to find times to walk, even if they're only for 15 or 20 minute intervals. It is better that I exercise a little than none at all.  I like that I don't dread going out and having to walk now, I usually get out, start walking fast, do a few sprints and then walk fast again... I always feel rejuvenated once I have been out and really pushed myself.

Everyone is saying it's great that I have lost the weight, some people think a little too fast, I don't think so, I really have put a lot of effort into this, besides I have found that it is the one thing I can control right now, eating healthy and exercising as much as I can.  Everything else in my life is up in the air, I personally need to have that one place that I don't feel like I am spinning out of control...  I just want a few things to settle in my life, so that I won't feel like I am going around in circles all the time.  It can be difficult to deal with when it sometimes feels like I don't get a break before the next trial is tossed my way.

I sound like I am not grateful but I am, I am really blessed and very thankful.  When I am having one thing handed to me before I feel like I have the last issue resolved, I start reminding myself of all the great blessings I have in my life.  Sure there are some missing pieces, we all have those but I have so much to feel gratitude for... some days I have to work a little more than others reminding myself of them.  However; I never give up on believing that nothing remains the same, life is always changing and just because my situation doesn't look great right now, does not mean that it won't or can't shift.

I honestly believe that each challenge I have been given in the past few months are ones that will help me to grow beyond what I thought I was capable of... I have to say though, it has been awful, really awful.  Those huge challenges might come with great rewards but while I am going through them, they are overwhelmingly tough.  Right now I am reminded of that story about how we are being sanded and polished with each challenge, I am thinking enough is enough.. a few rough edges are okay with me. Personally, I don't mind a few places that are not polished perfectly, that can come later... however; maybe I don't know best.

I guess I have to give up trying to figure out how to control everything in my life and remember that just because I cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there because it has always been there.  I want to get through this and look back, breathe a sigh of relief and think wow, I made it through and it was worth it... maybe I can say that in the near future.

The Easier Path Is Always There

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Have you ever been so sad, frustrated or just feeling out of control?  It's not the best way to feel, I just said one of my new motto's, 'I'm done' ... what does this mean?  It means I am done with feeling this way and one way is changing some of those things that bring out those emotions.  Just keeping what is good, this week has been lax due to my not getting any sleep.  I had to go to great measures but I finally got a couple of good nights.   I had to turn off all electronics and I signed out of everything so that I couldn't just start surfing when my mind would start racing with thoughts.

Now since I finally had two decent nights together I can see things more clearly, I was so in the middle of the feelings that Monday night I was going up and down with moods as I had not slept in weeks properly.  I didn't exercise much last week, I felt the excuses coming on and they won out for most of the week... That is going to change, Monday I am back out with strength training, walking and swimming, at least three days of strength training, three of walking and two of swimming.  That way I will be out to the center 5 nights per week, Saturday will be for relaxing, cleaning, grocery shopping.. Sunday for church and lots of rest.

I have to focus on something and it might as well be my weight loss journey, I am sure it will take a fair bit long to get the last 25 pounds off, I am still very dedicated but now I am looking forward to becoming stronger and firmer... I love my body now but it will even look better once I tone it up some, losing the weight gave me a self confidence that I had unknowingly lacked.  Now people act differently with me and I think it is funny strange... I don't play their game.  If I am to ever date again, it will be iffy as I am not out actively pursuing  it, however; I did leave my profile up on the dating site.  So if some man wants to work hard and prove he is worth my time... I might give him a chance....

I am very busy, I don't have time to waste on guys that just come and go, if they are worth it they will realize I am worth it too... otherwise I am not willing to put in the time without seeing effort on their part.  It also means changing some other aspects, I am going to have to make a goal of writing for an hour each day, I am starting a second private blog It's where I will be able to write whatever I like, then can start organizing it into a book.  I am going to focus on the weight loss aspect but other things will be brought into it because issues in my life got me to the point I wanted to do something about my weight through both food and exercise.

The biggest point I want to get out there is that age means nothing at all, once you make the decision to get healthy it is  possible... you just have to become dedicated to yourself.  That's not a bad thing, if not our own selves then who? There isn't anyone that can get us to work out but us... I miss that commitment I had in the beginning, I have kept up but not to that degree.  That's why I am making some new changes this week. I have two paths in front of me, one looks easier than the other... I decided to take the more challenging path, the easier one is always there...

Some Decisions Are Challenges That End Up Being Defining Moments

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Well, I made it out to Zumba finally, I had a great time... I knew nothing about what I was doing.  Valentina was telling me I was the worst, I just laughed... I will be one of the best before I know it.. I am like that, when I take something on, I give it my all.  I will be there two nights per week and I will learn all the moves. I am also going to go swimming tomorrow, I kept telling Valentina I would do this when I lost some more weight but I finally told her that we will be going tomorrow as I don't want her having body issues and thinking she cannot go swimming. I used to love to swim and I gave it up but I am going to treat it like Zumba and go and just have fun.

I have also decided that although I LOVE to comment on all the blogs I follow, I will have to slow down a little.  I will continue to read everybody's blog I follow because I adore all of you.  I will still comment but it most likely won't be on every single post.  This will be the most difficult for me as I LOVE to comment.  I promise that I will comment as much as I can but lately I am getting pulled in 50 different directions and I feel like something has to give.  I get so much enjoyment from reading all of your posts ... so I could never give you up.  I hope you all understand...

Everyone and I mean everyone is commenting on how small I am getting... yes I have lost a great deal of weight and I do see it, I still have almost 35 pounds left to lose.  I have had a really difficult incident happen in the past couple of weeks and I am dealing with it the best way I can, which means I am really not dealing with it all that great as I am not sleeping... I went to my doctors and she gave me a mild sleeping pill... that did not work.  She then gave me something a little stronger... I took half and slept a little better.  My mind won't shut down about this issue, I keep going over and over it in my mind.  I feel so much about it, sad... disappointed, frustrated... angry... the list could go on.  So someone said to me that they could not believe how I am continuing with eating healthy and exercising.

I told them that this is something I am good at... besides I have to figure out other ways to deal with the stress and it should not be putting that food into my system as I feel great with what I am  eating for the past almost 4 months.  Then another friend stated a truth... she said... this is something I can control. With my life spinning out of control, eating healthy and exercising is something I have control over.   I enjoy the way I think about what I eat before I eat it, I like that I think how my body deserves to have some sort of exercise daily as much as possible...

What I don't like is how out of control things in my life have spun more and more out of control.  It has got to the point that I don't feel comfortable talking to everyone about it, I know they will say what they think will help... I can guarantee you it won't help.  What will help is not what I can have right now, luckily I have a few people that I can vent, cry or just talk with... I suddenly thought about possibly dating again, I don't know that anyone could get through the iron shield I have up, I just thought it might be good to go to dinner, a movie, the gym... a walk.  Something other than just me exercising, I need to incorporate a little fun into my life...

A big part of me is not sure it is a good idea but I have held back from dating because no matter how hard I tried to get over my David, I couldn't... I still can't... maybe I just need to try to have a little fun, I am completely positive that I don't want to get involved in anything heavy, just a little dating where I get out of the house and do something other that walk the track at the gym.. or he could go with me.  Anything to get out of the bubble I have my life in right now.  Basically I work, blog, follow blogs, exercise, sleep (and I do very little of the sleep).  That is just existing and not living ... It is time for me to open up my life and do something a little different. I am apologizing to all men up front, I won't be easy to get through to, I am not looking for the great romance of my life, I had that with my David.... I am just looking to relax and have fun.

The last thing I wanted to bring up was that a woman named Kenya G Johnson from Here's The Thing asked if the the tag line on my blog were my words... I said yes as I remember someone telling me I should have a tag line... I had a quote for a really long time and then I was inspired to put the latest tag line there. She thoughtfully made me the cutest pictures with my tag line which is below.  I was SO incredibly touched and I felt very special.  Drop over and check out her blog if you have a moment, she is a real sweet heart.

It's In My Control, All I Have To Do Is Decide To Win

My new sitter started yesterday, she arrived on time, she's a little shy (that will be gone soon.... with me, lol).  She also has Valentina walking every where as she herself doesn't take the bus.  This will be very good for my Valya... and for me. Also my work is starting up a ten week Biggest Loser contest... just in case you didn't know, I am extremely competitive... if it is in my control, I will win... it is in my control.  Now I have three reasons to lose weight, one... to get healthy, two... to win the contest and three... to show I can do it...

I am seeing things changing slowly around to my direction... I cannot believe how crystal clear some changes are becoming... all of which gives me hope that how my life is now, is not how it will be... I really needed to learn that.  I had lost that belief... it was always there.

This change in me has happened because first I found out something that made me smile and that cannot be taken away... it's out there... I know the truth... Second there's hope where I was unable to see any and third I will be good with the outcome either way... see the first reason.

I found out that I am in the drivers seat.. I always was... now I know it.  That feels amazing... I guess I had to think I lost it all to appreciate it and to find I never really lost it at all..  Life might not be exactly as I hoped it would be at this very moment in time... it's not as far off as I had originally thought.

The deep sadness and fear I had filled me and the ways I dealt with it stopped me from seeing what was directly in front of me.  I talked about how I needed and wanted to live in the present but until I saw that one sliver of light... I was living in the past and looking for the future.When I live like that, I cause myself unnecessary emotional  pain.  It feels do good to be clear and to know that all I have to do is live in this moment and the future will take care of itself.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥