Why Am I Never Enough?

Today was one of those days, it's raining a lot here and my mood was matching the weather... I had a mini melt down at work (not work related)... I ended up leaving so that I wouldn't make a total fool of myself since I started to cry and I didn't stop for a few hours... not that I cried the whole time but I was highly emotional for close to four hours...

I started beating myself up and I wasn't able to get control of it... I am glad I left work, I needed to just be home where I could cry it out and blog.  So, I sit here trying to analyze myself, wondering what it is about me that makes it so hard for someone to love me?  I question myself and think... is it because I am too fat?... I am a big girl... is it because of my scars?  Am I too much of myself? (I can be overwhelming with my emotions)...

When I start questioning these thoughts, I realize that I have very little self esteem...  Every time I think I have gained some self worth, a day like this happens and takes all that I have worked for away... It then feels like I have to start from scratch all over again... It is exhausting to continually build myself back up... but my tenacity doesn't allow me to quit.  It keeps pushing me to keep working at it, keep trying...

I think the thing that irks me the most is when someone tells me how strong I am...  I am but it bothers me to hear it sometimes... just because I have days like this, days where I paint a smile on my face and I act the part, where I hide everything inside.  But because I do that... I end up with a day like this, where I lose control and cry.  Which makes me realize that I have to start letting it out a little at a time... otherwise I will have another one of these days.

My mom told me that until the time I was six years old that I had tons of self confidence, I had lots of play mates and that I didn't get upset if children were mean to me about my scars... my mother taught me love... I remember a time that I was taking the school bus home and I decided not to get off the bus at my stop, instead I went to my friends for lunch.  My mother was frantic, the girls parents called my mom and I was returned home where my mother instantly hugged me.  I could tell she was worried but I also felt that she wasn't angry at me, I felt loved.

Unfortunately I didn't get to live with my mother, I ended up living with my father after my parents separated and he decided to live with my psycho ex step mother Ruth.  Where we lived in fear basically, my sister Shelly accidentally broke an elastic band and she was beat for that, she was five years old.  We always sat on pins and needles wondering when her hand would just fly out and whack one of us in the head.  Unbelievable that anyone would do this to a child.... destroying their self esteem.... 

I don't have these feelings of low self worth every day... most days I am very upbeat... It's like I get hit with a challenge.. which I don't handle very well immediately, then I start questioning everything about myself.. I start to think I must not be enough.  This whole process frustrates me, I wish I could stop the doubts about my self worth.  I know I am a good, kind, forgiving, caring, loving person... I have lots of flaws too but everyone does... Some days though I always return to the question... Why am I never enough?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

How Lucky Was I?‏

 

I've been thinking about all the scary things I've done... like when I was 16 and got into a strangers car alone when I lived in Niagara Falls... I was lucky

Another time a friend and I got into a van with two guys... we drank with them and then went swimming in the middle of nowhere with them... I was lucky

There was a time I totally disrespected myself and allowed men into my home... while barely knowing them... I was lucky

Today I would never do these things again... I have learned my lesson... I was lucky

I often wonder how I made it to where I am today... I have read about and I have heard personal stories of people that have made much smaller mistakes or errors in judgement and have had events happen that were terrible and life altering...

How lucky was I?  It was all about disrespecting my self worth, not valuing myself... I value myself today... I want better for me.  If you could hear all the stories... I have led quite the life; certainly NOT proud of the path I have taken at times...  but it makes me realize how lucky I was...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Listen, You Are Beautiful

This is going to be a quick post, it has been a very long day... I had the VON come in to look at my skin graft, Cindy came down with Valentina, a dear friend came over to help me clean up a little and another brought me dinner.  I haven't really rested today, so my body is taking over and telling me... get some rest.

I just wanted to touch base and tell everyone, I am so catching up on all my blogs still, it is almost 3 weeks worth.  Where my computer is situated it is difficult for me to sit too long to type.  So, I need to lay up on my bed and just relax for a while.

I am a little disappointed with myself, although I know I am only human... I expect so much more from myself...  I have been allowing stress to take our my life, I have been pushing myself a little too much and I really need to listen to my body.

I read this quote above after having an interesting experience today... which reminded me of the incident... I ran to the washroom to brush my teeth, when I looked in the mirror, I had no make-up, my hair was in a high pony tail and I was still in my nighty... but I really looked at myself and thought... I am pretty... I don't always think this of myself... I am often critical.  I really looked at myself though, I have nice shaped eyes, I have great lips, full and shaped like a bow and I have wonderful hair, long and thick... Usually I have to have my hair done and make up on and all dressed up to see myself this way.  Today though... I what I saw was beautiful to me.  We all need to do that once and a while, really look at ourselves and love ourselves.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Take A Deep Breath

So, such an emotional day... you know those days that kind of knock the breath out of you.  Nothing dire like an accident, a loss of a job or such... just a day that make you feel so many of your feelings that you begin to be overwhelmed by them.  I have had nothing but time to think for this past two weeks while I had surgery and was in the hospital... now home thankfully; this time to think brings you to a new awareness of yourself.

At least for me it did... I had nothing to mask it... no getting up and prepared for work, traveling there, handling clients inquiries, getting home... over eating, depriving my body sleep... the numerous things we all do to zone out... not deal... just let life take over.  Well I don't have those things, when my body is tired... it just knocks me out, I don't have a lot of energy yet... so I spend a lot of time just resting and thinking.

I have been working on some things I need to deal with and I thought I was getting to a good point... I have been working very hard to get there but then today, just out of the blue... someone felt the need to share something with me that they knew would hurt me even though I was incredibly happy for them... I know this sounds odd... I'm not ready to explain the full incident, just that I was completely overwhelmed by the situation... the first thing I thought of was what could I do to avert those painful feelings.

 Anything... I just didn't want to feel, it's those overwhelming feelings that we all eventually have to deal with head on if we are to ever move on.  This is one of those, I am going to lay out my requirements and sit back and let things play out as they were meant to play out.  I will deal with the fall out, no matter the outcome.   I think this is the only way I can get through this challenge... otherwise I will return to old methods to get me through each day and that is not living.  That's when you forget to breathe after having your breath knocked out of you... we just have to take a deep breath and move forward...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Point Is That I'm Worth It

Although I am not looking forward to going through my operation... I do remember the pain involved and that was many, many years ago... I think the last time I had this surgery, I might have been twelve and it took me the whole summer vacation, eight weeks to heal.  I am hoping it doesn't take any longer at this age.  I am really grateful that I finally have the opportunity to have my leg really heal. That will be awesome, I can hardly wait to start exercising and although I may have to take it slow to begin with, I plan to push myself farther than I ever thought I could go.

I have a goal in mind and for this goal to happen... it means I have to decide if I am worth it?  I have decided that I am more than worth it... no more excuses.  This time off is going to be good for me, it's going to be difficult too... I will be on my own a lot, lots of time to think.  I am going to set aside time for exercise once I am clear to do from the doctor... I still have that goal of running a 5K by the end of this year, a friend of mine is going to do it with me and I am going to go zip lining in the summer with another friend from work.

Here is something I want to do in the next year is go to a concert, believe it or not, I have never gone to one.  I didn't have the money to go to things like that when I was younger and then just as I was getting to that time in life where I could do this, I had my beautiful Valentina and of course she became my priority.  She's getting older though and it is time for me to fulfill a few of those items on my bucket list.  Now I just have to find someone that I would like to see in concert...

2013 is looking promising, I finally have some goals, I can see that I am not going to be sad all the time for the rest of my life.  For a long time, I couldn't see that... I am thankful that I am getting focused again.  I am not wasting anymore time.  I am also going to stop letting people frustrate me, I have let that go on for far too long. 

You know something I have learned about myself this year?  I sometimes don't see people for who they really are especially when I am close to them... I see them the way I want to see them.  Lately I am really paying attention to how and what someone says to me.  It is interesting how contradictory people can be... I guess this has frustrated me in the past because I am open and I don't understand saying one thing and doing another.

I suppose everyone has their own way of dealing with their past or their trials and I don't judge them in anyway for that, I guess I have to decide what is really important to me.  I don't believe in blaming my past for my present, I don't believe in holding anger against another person and most of all I don't believe in saying poor me.  Every last one of us has trials, some from our own poor decisions and others out of our control.  I feel that I have the right to be sad when dealing with difficulties but I don't believe in allowing them to take me over.

I lost my focus and I forgot my worth, 2013 is the year I found it again... I won't ever forget again.  I hope everyone remembers their worth too...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Searching In The Right Places

I read this quote today, ' Wherever we search, we are searched for. ~ David Wilcox' which made me think that I really need to start searching in better places.  If I search for people, places and events in places that I have looked in my past, I will keep having the same results.  If I instead search people/places/events where I deserve, where I expect more because I should have only the best, I will have my hearts desire.

For some odd reason, it has been difficult for me to believe that I deserve the best... I am sure many people think this way too.  I did not pass that trait on to my oldest daughter, she expected the best and she received the it, I am happy for her.  I do of course want my daughters to want better and I instill that in them all the time.  I hope Valentina follows in her sisters footsteps as well... I just hope she is a little less disappointed in me than Andrea.  I do love both of my daughters completely. 

The truth is that if I want my children to want better, I need to want better for myself.  I give a lot of credit to my oldest daughter Andrea, she really had a plan for her life and she is achieving it, which makes me really happy.  Valentina may not have that trait, she may need me to model what I hope for her... of course I will happy with whatever choices she makes, I will wish and pray for the best for her as I always do for my oldest daughter as well.

So I am going to search for what I need in beautiful places, calm places and joyful places.... I already have some ideas of where these places are, all of them are good and uplifting places.  One of them will be postponed until I am healed from my operation, I think once I can start walking then running, the place I do will be a beautiful and calm place for me to be with my own thoughts and no media taking over my life.

I think in this world today where everyone is connected almost every moment of every day, I think we need to find places where we can just disconnect and be so that we will be able to be clear minded and to search the right places...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Beautiful Things Come From Changes And Mistakes

Attitude is your best weapon against life's most difficult challenges. ~ Dave Bexfield

I've been thinking how I need to simplify even more than I have.  I have held onto some items that I haven't even looked at in 10 years or more. It's time for me to rid myself of these items, the rule I need and want to live by now is if I haven't used it in more than a year, I need to dispose of the items or donate them.

I used to be a collector of things, like movies,books... etc.  I think I did this because I felt comfort in holding onto them. Today I feel like they own me, that's not a good feeling.  What is the use in having items you never use, they only clutter your home and your brain.

I want to be clear of these items so that I can be open to new possibilities available to me.  Also, I want to teach my youngest daughter that items are unimportant; people, relationships and love are important. I want her to feel loved so that she doesn't feel the need to look outward for acceptance. 

I have looked outward for far too long when I should have fed my inner self with love instead of trying to use items to make myself feel better.  It's sad what we do to ourselves in the name of trying to comfort ourselves.  Whether it is eating, buying things we don't need, drinking, drugs.... etc.

What am I afraid of?  Why do I feel that I'm not enough?  Why do I feel anything could fill the void if I don't love myself. I've slowly been changing my mentality around, I have been working on changing this trait; I want it to be second nature that I feel worthy.

We are all worthy, deserving of love, no matter our beginning in life. I am NOT my past and neither are you; each day we have the choice to do better.  No one can decide this for us but us, it is a conscious decision we need to make.  I won't say it is easy because that would be a lie; since I know it's not easy, I'm giving myself a break.  I am human after all and so are you.

We may have been born perfect but we are imperfect, not damaged, just imperfect.  I'm not saying we shouldn't strive for perfection in our life, I'm just saying it's not easy and we need to cut ourselves a break.

Basically we need to love ourselves the way we are right now, otherwise we will never move from this point in our life!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

What I Know For Sure Now

I am feeling something I haven't felt for a while... strong and in control.  I had given my control away, I thought I had to do this to have what I wanted.  I was wrong, I had to be in control to have what I wanted.  I remember nearly two years ago when I knew, I mean I really knew without a doubt that I was meant to do something.  I didn't just think it, I knew it...  I knew it in my heart.  I put myself out there. 

Even when it looked like it wouldn't happen, I still believed... I never gave up and within six months it happened.  I was over joyed, so thrilled that I was fulfilling something that I knew I was meant to do.  I also remember everyone questioning me about how I was going to handle it not lasting, here is what I knew then, I knew that I was only meant to be there in that place for a time.  When it all came to an end, I surprised everyone when I was happy; exuberant even.

Fast forward to today...  something interesting happened, it reminded me of something I knew, not just felt but really knew.  I realized that I had given up my control, I gave it away... I forgot my true value.  Tonight brought it all back, it brought about a 'hmm' moment.  I cannot ignore those moments, they mean more than we think they do.  If we brush them off, we are not believing in ourselves.  I believe in myself and I believe in what I know... why did I let myself give up on what I knew?  Fear?  I thought my dream was too big?  I didn't feel I was worthy?

Tonight I knew it was sum of all those things, I forgot what I knew and what got me to where I was... I neglected to believe in me.  I was sure that I wasn't good enough for what I knew was meant to be.  I proved this by not standing up for myself, by pulling back for fear of pushing the dream away.  I am worth it, I am completely worth it... I am not holding back any longer.  Going forward, I am on my path... I am not going off track again.  

Gone is the fear, gone is feeling the dream is too big (I didn't dream big enough), I am more worthy than even I knew... Some things are worth holding onto, some dreams are meant to be... even when others can't see the outcome.  Oh and this one is meant to last, it always was... I just didn't have faith before.  I believe in me!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Finding Joy In Small Things

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

Joseph Campbell

Most problems in the world come from one source: self-abandonment. Most can be solved by one choice: learning to love yourself and share your love with others. ~ Margaret Paul

I read a blog last night where she wrote about how she had a fear of abandonment.  Her father passed away suddenly when she was 5 years old and how she was worried that her mom would leave her suddenly too.

I can understand why she had the fear, my mom didn't die when I was a child but she was gone from my life completely for 9 years when I was 6 years old.  I never felt safe, probably the reason I so desperately wanted someone in my life. Someone who would be there and love me always.

I had to come to an understanding this past year, I had to learn to love that little girl inside me, the one who felt so lost and abandoned. Otherwise, I would never be able to heal her. I wish I could hug her and tell her everything would be okay and not to worry so much.

Self love is the only way I can finally heal.  Stripping away all the layers that I used to cover the pain and sadness has been difficult but no more difficult than living my life by trying to hide. The way I've been dealing with it through my life has been more detrimental than helpful.

I want to experience full joy and as the quote below states I just have to recognize all my blessings and show gratitude for all the good things in my life.  I need to stop looking at the things I lack or I will always lack what I want and need.

This life is truly a test, it takes some people years (people like me) to know their full worth.  Although life is a test, it's also meant to be joyful or there would be no point.

"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are."

Marianne Williamson

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

You Make Me Feel Like I'm Home

I had an amazing thought last night, a light bulb moment if you will, where I got an answer I've been perplexed by for a long time.  So here's what happened, I have a new blog reader who is very sweet and comments often.  She commented on one of my older blogs 'My One And Only'.  She said how some loves were meant to be and would find a way to come full circle. I commented back that mine would not have that fairy tale ending and while the comment I sent back was nice enough, I was disappointed to say my fairy tale wouldn't have a happy ending.

Next I was listening to the song 'It Feels Like Home' and I was crying but suddenly listening to the words made me think differently about them and the song actually makes me smile now.  I used to feel like it was a song of loss for me but now I feel it is a song of hope. I felt like I was never going to be able to enjoy it again without sobbing.  Than I realized I was thinking of it the wrong way, it's not a sad song at all, it's a romantic love song that gives hope.

This all lead me to my light bulb moment and to think about how important it is to forgive yourself and each other, not to mention giving ourselves a break.  You're probably wondering how I got to here from there. So, it all ties together for me because I have been holding onto disappointment that I need to forgive myself for and move on.  The song reminded me that just because things aren't the way I want them to be, doesn't mean that things aren't the way they should be.  I want to forgive myself for  holding onto dreams, disappointments and sadness.  I want to celebrate that time, I have wonderful memories, ones that can never be taken away.  I feel grateful, grateful that I can see the blessing of forgiving me and freeing myself from those feelings.

I've had to forgive people along the way, some more difficult than others.  The hardest ones are the people closest to you.  It's not even people like my ex step mother Ruth or my ex husband Andrey (I have forgiven them, they hold no power over me).  It's forgiveness for people I care about that matters. Tonight I realized there is nothing that two people cannot overcome if they care enough about each other, those people are the ones that make me feel like I am home when I am with them. 

I also realized that some things just don't work out, it's okay, that doesn't mean I should value myself any less.  So, another forgiveness to myself is due to my not loving or valuing myself enough.  Which is foolish, I need to remember that I deserve the best; not someone who can't be committed to me 100 percent, like I would be with them. I forgive myself for de valuing me.  I forgive myself for believing for one minute that anyone had/has the power to make me happy.  I am the only one who can do that!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Turning A Weakness Into A Strength‏

Loving ourselves is the beginning of all the love we can offer. ~ Caroline Shearer

I read this interesting quote above, of course this is true, how can we love anyone else without loving ourselves first.  I don't mean selfish love of ourselves, I mean being kind and loving towards ourselves. 

We are our own worst critics believing sometimes that we are not good enough, not worth it, not lovable.  We never want our children to think this of themselves, so why do we think it is okay to think so little of ourselves?

It's like the old saying where parents have been known to say "Do as I say, not as I do", which is exactly what our children don't do, they actually do what we do.  How can we expect any less?    

I've been contemplating this quite a bit lately due to my flippy behavior.  How can I ever expect my Valentina to stay as kind and sweet that she is, if I do not learn to control my behavior and find a way to show love. Even in my most difficult times.

If I love myself enough, it will never matter what someone says to me or how they treat me, I truly understand where all that comes from, a place of pain, a place of lack. 

I'm not perfect, far from it but there are some things I excel in, some things that make me special. I need to share those and work on making my weaknesses my strengths too.  

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Facing Adversity Head On

In the face of adversity, you do whatever it takes to endure. ~ Tony Volpentest

So today was a defining moment, I realized I have allowed myself to get out of control in certain aspects of my life.  I have to change the way I live immediately, I have nothing to rely on but myself.  Now we will see what I am truly made of... I hope I am as strong as I feel and as strong as people think I am .

There's so much going on in my mind right now, I just keep going around and around.  So yesterday I read the most inspiring message I think I have read in a very long time.   She wrote how all she saw and felt was negativity and that she had even been involved in it.  Consequently she and a few friends have started a Facebook campaign that I cannot wait to get involved with.  These people are making their updates about what they are grateful for, thankful for and happy about.

I think this is an awesome idea, we all need to put some positivity back out into the world, that is what will bring hope and joy.... not all the negativity that is spewed so easily.  Going forward today, when someone asks me how I am, I will say, I am wonderful, I am fantastic, I am amazing.  I will not get in on the poor me attitude no longer.  I am getting rid of cable this week.... I don't watch it, I don't care if I ever watch it again.  I don't want my Valentina to be watching it so much either... there is mostly trash on there anyway.

I am getting rid of the home phone, I rarely use it, I'll use my blackberry.  That is just a waste of money.  I am seeing the doctor Tuesday and I am hoping like crazy that he says I can run, then I will start Tuesday night.  I know it will be slow going in the beginning but I plan to be that butterfly and I will soar eventually.

I have faltered on my cleanse in areas, no excuses though, I am just going to get back on track and follow through.  Right now I feel like there is no stopping me, whatever I want I will be able to attain, whatever I want to do I will be successful in it and mostly I feel like anything is possible.  It feels amazing and a little scary but I am going with it, I want to see how far I can take this feeling and what I can accomplish.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

 

I Want To Believe...

Everyday is much the same, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I blog and then I attempt to sleep.  I've been working hard to motivate myself to do other things, I really need to sleep.  I try to fill my mind with anything so I don't have to think, maybe I could sleep.

Nothing changes, I remain the same and still I can't sleep.  My mind goes over and over every detail, every thought.  I'm still the lost little girl I've been for years, I tried to fix her, make her better but sometimes you can't fix broken things.

I wonder about precise incidents in my life, wishing somehow they could be different, maybe I wouldn't be so damaged, maybe I was damaged long before... what is my purpose?  I need to know, I need to understand.

No one has answers, people tell me to hold on, the good is near... really?  Where?  Every time I've tricked myself into believing there is good for me, I'm hurt, why do I work so hard to make myself believe? 

I don't expect life to be a walk in the park with no challenges but really can't something work out to make it worth all the trials?  It's not that I don't see blessings, there are many.  Maybe I'm not thankful enough.  

That's not true though, I'm very thankful and I always try to see the good, even when it's buried so deep, I sometimes have to dig it out.  I'm lost...  wondering if I'll ever truly find my way.

There has to be a way, right?  I used to believe there was always a light.  It's been so long since I've seen it that I am beginning to think I fabricated it in my past.  Maybe we see what we want to see, maybe our hearts could handle no less.

I just want to believe again, believe in myself, believe in love, believe in friendship...  Will I ever?  Maybe then I could sleep...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Long Hard Road And Me

This past 10 days or so have been one epiphany after another, sometimes good, sometimes difficult, mostly eye opening.  I have such a bad track record with men, they have either been men who have be mean or abusive or men that are emotionally incapable of taking the next step forward.

I guess that says a lot about me, I keep choosing these men. Do I like a challenge?  Or more likely I lack self esteem:(.   I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix that default in me; however, I suppose I wouldn't learn the lesson I so desperately need to learn to get to the next level. 

It seems as humans that we always want the easy way out.  Life throws us one curve after another and instead of learning the lesson we become angry, sad and despondent. 

This makes the lesson so much harder to learn and if truth be known, if we don't learn it there, we will have to learn it down the road eventually. This is hard for me since I seem to think I know what's best for me.

I rarely know what's best for me and usually what I fight against ends up being the best thing for me.  I just always have to take the long hard road and I sincerely want to take the easier path.  It's about time that I learn to trust that God/Universe knows what I need.

I need to start somewhere, I need to trust, even if just a little.  I might be pleasantly surprised.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Words Can Break You

I've never considered myself beautiful, interesting sometimes but never beautiful.  How could I be when I've been damaged on the inside and out?  I thought I had overcome that with my "D" but I only internalized it.  How?  How do I overcome all those nasty words I've been told?  How do I believe that my scars don't stop people from loving me?  Everything has come to the surface and made me beyond emotional, since I can't talk to my "D". 

It boggles my mind when I see people that have so much self esteem and they never let words get them down.  How do they do that?  How do they believe in themselves so much?   I know we all have our own challenges to bear, sometimes I think mine are too much and then I read a blog from someone who amazes me with what they've come through.  Yet, there are times I feel so small and insignificant, no matter what I do.

I've just lost so much and not being able to talk with David right now has brought up all my losses and the thought makes me so sad.  I know life is about change and challenges but does it have to entail so much loss? 

Back to what I said in the beginning, I've never thought of myself as beautiful but I do know that I bore two beautiful children, so maybe I would have been beautiful without the fire and without the nasty words from Ruth (my ex-step mother) and Andrey (my ex).

My mother said I was strong about my scars when I was little, so maybe it's all the nasty words that were said over the years.  That old saying of "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me".  That is a lie, words hurt more than physical pain, it damages your inside.

We all need to be extra careful of the words we say to each other, mostly we need to stop judging each other, for no one knows what another person has or is going through in their lives.

My thoughts and prayers are with my "D's" son Christopher, who needs all the prayers he can use.  I am praying non-stop for my David and his whole family.  Maybe if I center my thoughts on someone else other than me, I will be able to heal myself little by little.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield