I've Been Looking My Whole Life

I read a blog the other night by Dawn called  With wisdom gained it touched me deeply in my heart and I hope that what I write here will really convey what I felt.  She doesn't write often but when she writes it touches me deeply in my soul.  The first quote she had in the post had me crying and I continued to cry throughout the whole post.

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin 

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

That is not a bad thing, it meant I really felt what she was trying to convey to her readers.  It really spoke to me because I actually knew what she meant, I have had this happen once in my life, the feeling of... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and losing that left me empty inside. 

She wrote this earlier in the week and I took a few days to digest it, really think about it... and although I lost that person who knew me inside out, they lost me too... it is rare, very rare to meet or find someone that you can be that close to, someone you can share all your inner thoughts with and not feel like you are being judged. 

It has been more difficult than anything I can write here but I cannot let losing this person out of my life harden me so that I don't give that same passion to someone who deserves it... if I allowed it to harden me because of the deep sadness it caused I will never be able to move forward and find it again.  I will find it again and that person will be deserving of what I will offer.

I remember when I was a very young girl and going through the trial of being raised by my ex step mother who did all that she could to beat me down, literally. I always knew there was something better and that I had to be strong enough to make it through all her craziness.  I believed once I was free of her that I would find someone special who would truly love me for who I was and not try to tear me down. 

People that do everything within their power to pull you down to their level are nothing but insecure and they feel undeserving of love.  What ultimately happens with them is that they lose what they fight so hard to keep... because attempting to destroy other people to keep what you want will never last.  Just ask my ex step mother, she lost everything eventually and ended up a lonely old woman with nothing. 

I refuse to be bitter, I refuse to give up and I refuse to let the smallness of other people take away my dreams, my hopes and my wishes.  This last six months have been a refining period in my life, one I have needed to grow... so that I will be ready to have that someone special who will come along and feel lucky and blessed to have found me.  They won't leave or give up because they too will remember that feeling... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and I will say... I have always been here... becoming the best me so that I can give the best of myself to you, just as he will want to give me the best of himself too.

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Loss Versus Gain

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

When I feel the need to write, I rarely come up with the title of the post first but today as I was logging in to start reading the blogs I follow... I suddenly thought I need to write about loss versus gains.  As of yesterday, it has been 14 weeks since I started my journey of investing and believing in myself and to date I have lost lost 45 pounds.  I know some people fear it is a lot of weight to lose in a short amount of time, however; people really shouldn't worry, I keep in close contact with my doctor.   There were many times over the years that I would join Weight Watchers and in six months I would lose 60 pounds, just from eating healthy... this time I am using Fitness Pal which is my Weight Watchers without the cost.  I just need to be accountable somewhere about my food... this helps me to be successful.

The difference with the losses I have had in the past is that I never incorporated exercise into the mix... and not just exercising once or twice a week, I mean exercising four to six times per week.  Especially since I am 50 years old, I really had to drastically change my life... the weight was not going to come off by just eating a little better and exercising once or twice a week... I had to change my life totally... a complete 180 degree turn.  I know, everyone is saying, isn't that difficult?  You bet it was, this change has probably been one of the biggest and hardest changes in my life but I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it feels to take control of your own life.  Also, I am diversifying with my walking by starting up Zumba and Yoga eventually (once my knees can handle holding the poses).

I started at the Canada Games Center last night... it was great once I got into it.. first I had to sign up, pay, get my picture taken (eww), which cut into my exercise time.  Then we finally got into get changed, I had brought the wrong exercise pants (I picked up Valentina's by mistake... we both have black leggings and of course I do not fit into hers...)  Then I thought oh well, I will just walk in my jeans...  I then went to lock everything up and the lock I had bought was too big and would not fit.  I became frustrated and thought forget this... I took all of our items out and decided to sit outside the pool to wait for Valentina.  Someone at the front desk noticed I was frustrated and took the time to find out why, they advised I could borrow one of their locks for the evening.  So, off I went walking... it was beyond hot on the track and much different than I am used to from walking outside. I will remember my exercise pants in the future... I flew around the track, lap after lap, listening to music... thinking about somethings that have had my mind in a tizzy lately.

I have to say 30 minutes on the track felt like an hour long walk outside, I am going to have to dig deeper than I have ever dug in my life to make my gym experience successful.  When I am walking outside, I just walk a fair distance from my house and I have no choice but to walk back to it... there is no stopping in the middle.  If I want to get home, I have to walk home... with the track, I have to force myself to keep doing laps, I need to find something deep inside myself that won't allow myself to give up... just because I hit 30 minutes.  I know I can walk for 50 or 60 minutes, I have done this regularly and I have done it quite quickly... My 5K is coming up in a couple of weekends and I really need to make sure I am waking a 5K regularly so that I will do well when I participate.

So, loss versus gain, after talking with my David last night, this came to mind... I have lost a great deal of weight and I have gained a great deal of confidence.  I told my David last night that he lost a great deal by losing me, I put a little hehe after it but I was very serious.  He agreed but I don't think he realizes how much he has lost... one day it will come to him.  We talked about how close we are, how much we laugh together, how we can say anything to each other, how nothing is off limits. I also brought up the fact that it had been really hard and painful to get to this point in our relationship, how sometimes I felt it might not be worth it but that today I was grateful that we had made it through.  He said that is what friends do for each other... then I said to him, I don't think you understand that most people who date as intensely as we dated, make it back to the friendship stage.  However; I did tell him that I was grateful that we were different and special enough to each other that we didn't give up.

For there were many times over the past year and a half that I thought I just couldn't do it... luckily we do love each other, not in the same way... but there is definite love between us and there is total respect.  No one gets me like he does ... neither one of us trusts anyone as much as we trust each other.  I think of us as soul mates, we are like each others second halves... it's not that we are not whole on our own because I think we are, we just compliment each other, we understand and get each other. I just needed to learn my worth to realize that although I lost David romantically... he lost much more by letting me go.  I have come to that point in my life where I have gained so much confidence that I won't settle, just to be with someone... I don't feel it is worth it just to date someone.  Some guy would have to come along and be so special and prove that he was worth taking a chance on... there are not many of those guys around the older I get.... Oh well, I am not worried about it, it just isn't important anymore.

I have lost a great deal of weight but truthfully I have gained more than I ever thought I would with finally believing my worth.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Sharing Your Dreams With Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

The song 'Save The Best For Last' by Vanessa Williams came to mind last night and wouldn't leave me because of one simple verse...

All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through?
I wondered what was wrong with you?
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else?
And share your dreams with me?
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see... 

This song came to me and wouldn't leave because my David is home and will be for six weeks, he is feeling a bit better by the way.  He does feel like a turtle on his back and says he even laughs at himself when he is getting up, he has an awesome sense of humor, he continually makes me laugh. Anyhow, we have been talking a lot, about everything, like we used to everyday... we always talk about everything because that is the way we are with each other but sometimes because of work we don't always have the time. Now that he is off, we have the time and the verse came to me because it's so true, we share everything with each other that we would never share with another.  Yet he dates other people, I didn't understand how he could share his dreams with me and still date others... ?

Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that he and I are just very close, we always will be... I tell him everything and he tells me everything, we feel safe with each other and trust each other implicitly ... neither one of us would ever betray each others trust, neither one of us would ever want to truly hurt the other one.  I guess that is what makes us best friends.

If I was dating a man that was best friends with a woman like David and I are, I don't know if I could handle it... I would truly have to trust that man and that is not always easy.  However; if I was with David and he had other women friends, it would never bother me because I trust him completely.  It is all about trust, I wonder if any of the women in David's life will have a problem with me?  It actually doesn't matter though because David and I will always continue to be best friends no matter what... nothing will come between us ever...

I can't wait to go to Alberta in April... I am looking forward to seeing parts of it and just being able to sit, talk and laugh with my David. I have not been past Ontario since I was very young and I have always had the desire to visit out west, mostly British Columbia which I will see one day but Alberta has been on my list too... I am going to take lots of pictures when I am there.  I will want them all for my memories, especially ones with my David and me... I really can't wait to see the look on my David's face when I get off the plane, people that see me all the time tell me constantly how much of a change there is in me... I told David he won't recognize me...

My David told me the other night that I deserve someone very special, I told him he was right... I understand that I have undervalued myself for many years... most of my life... however; I now know that I deserve the best and I am not settling for anything less than that... I would rather be alone than to ever be with anyone who didn't deserve me again.  I thought I would never say that and really mean it but I do mean it with all my heart...

I love that I am keeping with my vision of eating healthy and exercising regularly, I always feel so much better when I do... the past couple of days it has been dreary and rainy, so near impossible for me to walk.  I can actually feel the stress build when I can't exercise... strange... yet this explains why I used to eat or do other things to cover the stress... now I exercise and I end up feeling so much better at the end of it... It is such an awesome stress reliever...  Time for me to start the next chapter of my life, that is the one where I join the Canada Games Center and really start taking care of myself and Valentina... then I will never have an excuse not to exercise...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

You And I, Always Almost

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I had a pretty good week, a little less walking than I wanted to do but I have to remember that I am not a machine, just because my mind wants me to walk all the time, does not mean it is always a good thing.  So, I did take a little time off to work with my physiotherapist and my knees are beginning to feel a little better.  She is sure with time and some simple exercises I will be able to run up and down stairs again in the near future.  Friday was weigh in day for my 10th week of the contest, there is just one week left, I managed to lose 1.6 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 33.4 pounds.  Here is the funny thing, when I first got weighed I was a little disappointed that it was only 1.6 pounds... as I had time to process it through the day I realized how silly I was being.  I was in awe that at the 10 week mark I am still losing a good amount of weight... I am 50 years old, I am not in my twenties when it was easy to lose weight... however; I never lost any weight in the past, this healthy. 

I know many people who would love to lose as much weight as I have in the short amount of time... I not only lost the weight, I have lost the inches.  Everyone is telling me how great I am looking, I am feeling better and better about myself.  The two sisters that I grew up with are smaller than me, yet my baby sister said to me today, maybe if I can lose another 25 pounds, I can be happy... I looked at her and said, how about being happy with yourself now?  You have lost 50 pounds and you look amazing... She then said, I guess I should have said happier than I am now.  Well, I am happy with my weight loss, I see the difference, I feel great... I don't want to stop here by any means as I want to be healthy.  However; losing more weight will not make me any happier, it will make me healthier. 

Anyhow, what I really wanted to write about was how hard it is to know that I have met my soul mate and that it was at the wrong time, it seems like my David and I have almost always been together at different times in our lives... I only bring this up as my sisters and I were at the beach today and they were both trying to get me to date again.  I told them I am not ready and I am not sure when I ever will be... they laughed and told me that the best way to get over one man was to start dating another man...  I don't think that is the way for me to get over David, I think the best thing I can do is work on myself to become the best me.  I don't think jumping in and out of relationships is the way for me to handle a broken heart.  I am healing, I am happier than I have been in a very long time, it all takes time with me... dating someone new at this moment in my life would just mess me up and mess up another person.  For once in my life, I don't want to use bad methods to work through sadness... I want to work through the sadness with good things.  

Things like exercising, eating healthy, attending church... mostly loving myself...  I can't see how dating someone new would make any of these better?  Sometimes it is best to be alone and process things like a broken heart.  It is not like I am sitting in my room crying day after day or using things to cover the sadness.  I am getting out daily, walking and running... I have not watched TV for 10 weeks, I have not even blogged on a daily basis... I am working on me, I am pushing my body to become the best that it can be and in the process I am working through a lot of emotional issues that in the past I would bury my head in the sand and try to forget about.  At least now I don't get on the bus and sob away all the way to work, nor do I sit in my cubicle at work crying like I used to... I am living my life actively and I am dealing with things better than I ever did. 

Saying all this, I do get sad about David from time to time... I know that I will never meet anyone that compares to him, we fit together perfectly, we laughed at the same jokes, I trust him with anything.  I have told him secrets that I never told anyone else, he never broke those secrets and he told me things he never told anyone else, I would never tell them to anyone ever... My David was not my first love, he was my true love, he is my soul mate... David and I have always been almost... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Living On Purpose Is The Path To Peace

I read this chapter this morning and throughout the day as I thought about it, I wondered what I would write about it...  then I came home after my first day of work and I pulled up the audio message and after listening for maybe ten minutes I begin to understand what I was supposed to get from the message.

I want peace as we all do, peace will bring happiness even when things don't go the way we want them to go... I remember a day in my life, it was January 25, 1995... I had gone to the store to buy a chair for my nanny, I was doing many errands for her and I was grateful that I was able to do these things for her. I purchased the chair and had it set up for delivery and then I stopped to call her from a payphone (cell phones were not the norm then) to tell her I had acquired the chair, then I told her I would talk to her soon.

I got on the bus and as I was traveling home I felt as if I should stay on the bus and go visit her but I phoo phooed it as I had just been there the day before and I had plans to go down the next day.  I went home and called her before I laid down, there was no answer...  I didn't think too much of it and I laid down for a nap.  I woke up about an hour or so later and I called her again, there was still no answer... I then called her my aunt to see if she had heard from her and she had not.  I started to get panicky but I couldn't leave as I was looking after a boy who was coming to my house after school. 

I kept calling her and then I started begging God that she was okay, I cried, I was fearful.. finally I stopped and prayed that I would be able to accept and handle whatever the outcome was and I felt at peace.  A friend came by and she drove me down to my nanny's place, I had a key and when I opened the door she was on the carpet and she had passed away.  I was heartbroken because she had always been there for me all of my life when Ruth my ex step mother made life unbearable, my nanny's house was a refuge.  I went through the grieving process but I never forgot the calm peace that came to me when I prayed that I could accept the outcome. 

I am kind of going through that again with my David, he's alive but I am grieving the loss of what we had and what we could have had.  I have been in that panicky begging mode for so long because I know the huge potential he and I could have for happiness, love and joy... unfortunately he couldn't see it and when I thought about that day when I prayed for acceptance  for what I would have to deal with, I knew that I would have to pray for acceptance with David too.  Otherwise I will always be in a state of grief over him forever.

Let me tell you, that is so hard when I know that my soul mate and my best friend will only be my friend.  I have worked hard on letting go and moving on but today I realized I have not accepted it... I have been in that state of begging and bargaining with God which has left me still in grief, somehow I have to come to accept it, that is the only way I will be able to move on. I won't know the why while I am here but one day I will know, one day I will be able to understand. Part of me thinks that I need to learn my purpose in life and that if I had ended up with my David so easily that I never would have searched for it.  I would have thought I had found my purpose to love my David with all my heart and spend my life making him and me as happy as I possibly could. He's my other half that I fit together with perfectly, he makes me laugh and he understands my quirkiness....

That is not my purpose though, maybe I had to lose my David as the love of my life to realize that I have a much higher purpose, one I don't even understand yet but I will one day.... I want peace in my life and the only way is acceptance.  Another day of crying, more like sobbing but that is a part of acceptance. I will get there one day and sooner rather than later.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Wish There Was A Dream Store...

I finally got some sleep, not so much last night but today... which means I may not be able to sleep tonight.  It's difficult to always know what to do when it comes to sleeping in the day but I have tried the day without a nap and still was not able to sleep.  It's because there are times that I lay my head down, close my eyes and then all my feelings bombard me.  If I sleep though I can't control my thoughts and emotions like I can when I am awake but when I sleep all I do is dream of David. How am I supposed to get over him if all I ever do is dream about him in my sleep. 

I have been trying to get over it by controlling my thoughts... that only works for so long.  Bottling up those feelings only enhances the emotions when something like a song comes on that has me sobbing and wishing...  I had never known anyone that I could totally be myself with and say whatever was on my mind and not once felt judged, until I reconnected with him.  Feeling so in sync with another person and seeing a long term future... for me an eternity.  That is the dream that is hard to give up.

I am having a hard time dealing with all the let downs I have had in the past year and a half... which then makes me feel ungrateful.  It is an endless circle I run in lately, part of me wants to find a way to deal with it all and just move on... I don't want to cry just because I hear a song, see something that reminds me that this was not the the way it was supposed to be. 

I have accepted my present and I am working on moving on... it's losing the future dreams that are more difficult.  What I need to do is find a new dream for the future... and then have that be what I dream about when I am sleeping.  I might actually be able to sleep then...  Now to find that dream... is there a dream store?  If only it was that easy....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

One Year Ago Today My Fantasy Met My Reality‏

I'm probably being mean to myself writing this post since I'm already crying and I have barely started writing it.  Today it has been one year since David came home for Christmas.

I remember waking up early that morning, I wanted a nice long shower so I could try to relax a little. My 'D' was flying home to his daughter Stephanie, his mom and me. I'd only known for sure he was coming for maybe 3 days before.  I remembered lingering under the hot shower, smiling and thinking how I'd never felt so happy in such a long time.

I had to work that day but David and I kept in close contact through texting. I knew when he arrived and left Toronto and when he finally landed in Halifax. I was no good at work that day, especially after my 'D' texted me to come downstairs.  He was standing there with a dozen red roses; I hugged him and I didn't want to let him go.  It felt as wonderful as I dreamed to hold him close to me.

I had to go back to work after that, I was totally unable to concentrate.  I was smiling so much my face was actually starting to hurt a little. All I could focus on was that David was here, he was picking me up after work, I was going to be able to kiss him after 33 years of daydreaming about it. 

It was FINALLY 5:30 and time for me to see David, actually talk face to face, be able to kiss, hold hands, look in each others eyes. We giggled when I got in the car, I know we were both SO happy this day had arrived.  I could barely wait to kiss him, I knew I wasn't going to wait a minute longer. 

I just knew the kiss would be amazing, it was better than every day dream I'd ever had.  It was one of those kisses that gives you butterflies in your belly, weakens your knees and makes you sigh.  Those are few and hard to come by in life, being compatible with kissing is not always easy to find.  I did not have to worry that kiss did not disappoint in the least.

We tried to go out for dinner, instead we went shopping and giggled like teenagers.  I'd be on one side of the store and I'd look across the room, he'd flash me one of his beautiful smiles and I would melt a little more.  We held hands and played with each others fingers, smiling... we were both so ecstatic. 

We came home and we just stood in my hall hugging, it felt like a dream; one I was afraid I would wake up from.  It was real though, I had never felt such joy being so close to David that night in my hall, my 'D' has big arms that make me feel so safe and I rested my head on his chest and heard/felt his heartbeat.

He and I had talked closely for nearly 2 months before this day had finally arrived; it all felt so surreal. That day my fantasy met my reality and for once in my life my reality was SO much better than my fantasy.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I've Always Known And I Always Will

I have started to write a post for two days now, nothing is coming out even though I am completely overwhelmed with feelings.  I feel helpless and lacking, right at this moment, all I want to do is go to Edmonton and then Wainwright and look after David.  Realistically I know that cannot happen, I have too many commitments with work and no money to go out there. 

My 'D' has messaged me, he even made me laugh as usual, he knows how to make me smile... he is still having a few small health issues from the operation but he should be out of the hospital tomorrow.  He will really need to rest a lot and I am stuck here, working when this man that I care so much about is far away.  No matter where our lives go, he is always going to be be My One And Only.  He gets me, he knows what to say to calm me down.  There are not many people that can do that for me... I am one of those people that freak out first and then get it together and do what I need to, to make it work out. 

I have never freaked out with David, he knows what to say to me so that I figure out how to keep it together without freaking out... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.  I grew up with so much uncertainty in my life, so much of not feeling wanted or loved.  I had to get past that, I had to learn to love myself.  It has not always been easy but I won't ever give up trying to better myself; it's just so much easier when you have someone that totally believes in you and wants the best for you.  That's what my "D" does for me... he makes me feel that I should always remember that I am special and deserve love.

I want him to be so happy, that would make me happy... I love him with my heart and soul.  I feel like I have known him all my life and although I have known him for 34 years, I have really only known him for the past 4 years.  I am sure many people who have met their soul mates know what I am talking about... there are just people who you fit with and know that they were and are meant to be in your life always.

I had an epiphany the other night that I want to write about that soon, first I just need to make sure my David is on the mend; than I can clear my mind and talk about my amazing experience.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

My One And Only 'D'

I have been blogging almost everyday for over 7 months, I can see that when I'm committed I can accomplish what I set my mind to, which feels good to know.  When I put my mind to blogging was when I realized that David and I were not going to end up together.

I was so heartbroken that I had to write to get it out or I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to cope.  It was back in May that I wrote one of my top three favorite blogs; it was 'My One And Only'.  I had actually written it for myself, I just wanted a memory of how David and I began and how we progressed.

Anyhow, after I wrote it I cried, when I read it I cried.  It was full of all the love I felt for my 'D' and couldn't express to him because we were just friends.  I held on to it for a week or so but then I decided to share it and I'm so glad I did, it made us more real to me.  For a while after I realized we wouldn't be together, I almost thought it might have just been a dream.

But it wasn't, it was real and although it makes me cry when I read it, I'm also happy to remember how incredibly wonderful I felt then.  I'm just grateful that I could feel that exuberantly happy, it's very over powering.  

 

I sometimes wish... then I stop myself, wishing never got me anywhere just pain. I want to get to the point where I can read about us and hear those songs I associate with us and just be happy.  I'm working on it daily, wanting to get to the place where I will feel peace about us.

I'm sure one day I'll get to that point, it's hard to do when you know something was meant to be. The whole thing is that we cannot get people to see or know what we know.  I wish I could share the story from the beginning, with the feelings I have inside being able to be conveyed.  All I can say is if you were as sure as I was and am, that you would understand. 

Isn't that what we all want, just peace, happiness and love.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Best Friend David

Everyone that reads my blog knows of my David, I met him when I was 15, he was and is one of the kindest, sweetest men I have ever met.  He was a sweet boy that grew into a wonderful man.  Although he and I talked at great length when we were 15, he never talked about his rough upbringing.  I don't feel that it is my place to say it all here, suffice to say he was raised by a single mother in a very poor upbringing financially.

David loves his mother and respects her very much.  I told him once or twice that his mother raised a really nice boy and I meant it.  For all that he went through, he could have become cold and uncaring.  However; he married and had two children, that he loves with all his heart.  Though the marriage did not last after 18 years, he was the best daddy he could be, he cares so deeply about his children.

His son Chris has so many issues with his health, David is there for him, constantly worrying for him and trying help him from a distance.  Chris is 21 years old, has so many issues and has had a stroke at his young age.  I feel so sad for David about what he is dealing with Chris, I pray for them both every day.

You can tell what a wonderful daddy he is by how his daughter Stephanie is with him, she is a daddies girl and I think that is wonderful.  She's in university now and living in Halifax with her mom but she keeps close contact with her daddy and they are never far from each others thoughts.  I am in awe of how close they are and often wish that I had been that way with my father.

Of course I am partial to my D as he came back into my life, exactly when I needed him.  I had gone down a road after Andrey raped me and I was so self loathing of myself.  Then David came along and showed me I was worth more than that, I deserved to be loved.  He told me time and again, I was not my past and because he is an honest person, I believed him and changed my life by 180 degrees.

Even when it didn't work out romantically for us, he was there for me.  It's too bad his heart belonged to someone who didn't deserve it but that is life.  We have had a bit of rough time the past couple of months because I didn't know how to let go but we are getting back to our close friendship again.  I am really grateful for that, he centers me when I feel like I am spinning out control.  He sees the best in me when I find it hard to see anything good.

I will always love him and I will always wish the best for him.  I want him to be happy, very happy.  I could wish nothing less for him.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Where Our Thoughts Go We Follow

Where our thoughts go, we follow! Thoughts are the hardest things to control, we seem to just let them go in any direction they please.  I have seen when I'm in tune with what I want and how my daydreams, thoughts give me my desires when I focus.  It's me that gives up, has fears and fails. 

If we really knew how powerful our dreams and thoughts were, we  might be more careful about what we think about or we might open up the whole way. 

When David and I looked like we were actually going to get together, I didn't have a dream that it could or would go further.  I didn't believe in us enough, I actually thought I was incredibly lucky that he was even interested in me... That was my thought, what did the Universe give me?  Exactly what I thought. 

Over the past 7 months, I've grown and I have come to believe that David was just as lucky to have me.  I've learned of my self worth a lot in the recent past and I've even told David that he gave up the best woman for him ~ me!   He will never find anyone who loves, cares about him and who will be completely honest with him.  He'll never have anyone he can be himself with totally; that is so very rare to find. 

David tells me often that I'm a wonderful woman, I tell him, I'm amazing and don't forget it.  I know there is a reason that it all went this way but I do wish sometimes that I'd have had more confidence in myself.  I feel that hindered me because there definitely were no issues in our relationship. 

We are super close, totally honest and open with each other, no matter what, we respect each other, don't judge each other and we don't argue with each other.  You can't ask for much more.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Once In Your Life

Soul Mate:  "Someone with whom you can completely be yourself, share unconditional love with and when you look into each others eyes you have the experience of being home."

Once in everyone's life someone comes along who shakes your life up and it's never the same again.  Sometimes it's a good shake up, it makes your life more fun, interesting and exciting.  Other times they are there to make you think about what you are actually doing with you life. This can actually give you a chance to make the changes you might want to make. Either way, we should be grateful for the shake up; it shows us how to deal with changes.

Life is ever changing, we have to decide to go with those changes or we will never truly be happy.  Fear in change will never give you strength; it will only break you.

David is the one who came in to shake my life up; first he showed me I am more than worth being with. Second, it's always good to have the chance to be with someone you had on a pedestal all your life; no one should be up there.  It's not good for you and it's not good for them.  Third, sometimes you have to lose your dream to make it even better then it was.

Although, David shook my life up and in the end left me sadder than I've ever been in my life; I'd never change it.  I'll always be grateful for every moment I had with him; mostly I'm thankful for having the fairy tale and regardless of how it all ends up in the future, I've found my soul mate and best friend.

Some people can never say that; some people never know that kind of love.   I've had the best love in the world and now I've got my best friend.   I can tell him anything and he'll always be there for me.  He can tell me anything and it won't change how I feel about him either.

When people come into your life and shake you up, you might want to say thank you; they are helping you grow.

Have you ever thought that
if one thing hadn't happened,
a whole set of things
never would've either?
Like dominoes,
a single event kicked off
an unstoppable series
of changes that gained
momentum and spun out of control,
and nothing was ever
the same again.
Don't ever doubt that
a mere second can change
your life forever.

Unknown

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

True Gratitude

I need to make this post about what I'm truly grateful for, not that I'm not thankful for so much in my life but lately I don't find it as easy to just go to my gratitude list as I have in the past.

I realize I'm being selfish when my life is full of blessings.  I have my two daughters, my son-in-law Paul, my grandson Jackson, my health, a home to live in, plenty of food, awesome friends, the gospel, my job, my blog, I live in a free country, I can see, I can hear, I can walk, I can talk, I'm funny, I'm friendly.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to erase the past then to deal with it but deep down I know that's not true; I wouldn't be me without my past.  I guess I'm just having a tough time getting to that next level.

Can I ask you all to pray or send positive and uplifting thoughts for me.  I do this everyday for the people that are in my life whether you are directly in my life or in my blog.  I just really need to start seeing the good again and not just for a day.

I need to somehow learn to be happy again.  I was happy, really happy, for a long time.  I've found it so hard to be happy for more than day here and there lately.  It's because I allowed my heart to be open and now it's in pain.

I think I need to take each day and pick something I'm grateful for and dwell on it, blog about it and be thankful for it.  I want being happy to be a way of life, it was at one time, it can be again.

Mostly I've learned a very hard lesson, I will never open my heart again, I'm not looking for my best friend, I found him; I'm not looking for my soul mate, I found him; I'm not looking for the love of my life, I found him.  Only to lose him.

I'm am grateful for the past, present and future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Choices Of The Heart Are Worth It

I was reading over my blogs that I follow and one person had a song about if they had known how hard the fall would be from loving someone that they would never have taken the chance.

I think it's good we don't know the outcome, for if did we would never take a chance and we wouldn't grow. I would never change my memories of David; if someone gave me a magic wand and said that I could change the past.  I wouldn't go back and change ours, although the fall was hard and painful, it was also the most wonderful time in my life.  How could anyone want to give up those beautiful memories even if the aftermath brought so much pain that feels unbearable. The memories make it worth it.  I still smile when I think of that time, it always makes me happy.

It's the after part that makes me sad.  I really love the song by Garth Brooks 'The Dance', I'm really NOT into country music but these words resonate with me. Two weeks ago I was in so much pain about losing David, I mean I sobbed and was unsure how I could continue to handle the pain.   I thought that if I stepped back, dealt with the pain on my own, maybe then I would be strong enough to just be friends.  What I found is that I am not any happier or any more sad than when he and I spoke regularly.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

I feel like I just had to get some perspective, just had to think and get myself together.  What I need is something that I can't have right now, so what I need to do is focus on what I can do now.  Work on being a wonderful mama, work on myself inside and out, work on my career, work on my dreams.  I think once I focus on something else other than what I desire most in my life.  Maybe then I will be able to deal with the pain of loss.

There are so many people in this world that have so much more pain than even me, yes I have had one sad and traumatic life altering change after another but I also have been blessed to have found my soul mate, my best friend.  How can I not share my life with him because of sadness on my part, that is selfish of me.  I am denying myself and him of our close friendship.  I am doing exactly what Tony did to me over 4 years ago.  I don't want to be that way, I want to be an adult, I want to show that I can be just friends, best friends, for now!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Love, My Best Friend

Do you remember a time when you were really happy?  You know a time where you smiled on the inside and out.  It's been a long time for me.  I have had some really happy moments lately but I haven't had that insane happiness.  The ones I had with David through the two months of November and December in 2011.  I had the most amazing holidays, I'll never forget how happy and wonderful it was.  In my heart it's real <3

I love that you love me, I love that you are to there to catch me but most of all I love that you're my best friend.

I had a dream come true, my fairy tale love , my one and only.  He's everything I've always wanted and now it's so hard that we are apart.  Every other day I think I can't do this, I can't be only friends, I can't be without him.  My emotions are on a roller coaster, I try so hard to keep myself together.  I don't want to make it harder on him or on myself.  I know that even if I do make it hard on him, he will be there for me no matter what.  We are best friends, we are soul mates.

Yet if I really love him, I have to let him go.  As painful as that will be, it is the right thing to do.  Because I love him I want him to be happy, my love letter to you, even though I know I would/could make him insanely happy; he has to want that from me.   No one on this earth or anywhere else will ever love him as much as I do.  I am willing to let him go but we will always be best friends.  Whenever I need him, he will be there and whenever he needs me, I will be there.

The truth is that no one knows what the future and the eternities hold, I have faith that everything will be as it should be.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield