There's No Excuse To Give Up On Me

Time really gets away from you, before you know it, a week or two has gone by and I begin to wonder how it flew by and I had so little to show for it.  I kept planning on blogging and always something would get in the way but when I thought about what that something was, there was nothing that I could put my finger on. It's exactly when I realized I need to schedule time for the things I want to do as well as need to do.  I don't know that I will write weekly as I had hoped but I am going to put more effort into it in the future. 

I don't want a month or two to go by and wonder what I had accomplished... I lost my focus when I got injured and I used it as an excuse to do nothing. When I think about it, I allowed myself to give up on me... I wallowed in the injury and the pain with wondering why me? How come I had to deal with this pain when I had done everything right by eating healthy and exercising almost daily ... What had I done wrong to deserve this trial?  Hadn't I worked hard to get on the right path?  Where was reward for putting in the work?

Then a couple of days ago I was talking to a couple of ladies, lamenting the fact that I had to deal with this pain. We then talked about how many of us held on to anger and pain because we wouldn't allow ourselves to forgive others or ourselves. I found myself talking from the heart about how forgiveness is really the only path, no matter what we have had to deal with. I say this as I have dealt with a great deal of painful trials that I could have sat there and allowed it to take over my life... I knew at the age of 15 that forgiveness was the only way I could ever progress in my life... it was when I started forgiving people for pain they inflicted on me, even if they didn't feel they needed the forgiveness. 

Yet, I found myself angry and disappointed with having to deal with this trial, especially when I felt I had done nothing to bring it on... This was when I begin to think about people who did nothing to bring on catastrophic health issues or people who have lost loved ones due to freak accidents or severe weather. I begin to think about how blessed I was, I have two healthy children, I have a career I love that allows me to work from home and I have overcome one crazy trial after another... gaining strength and knowledge that helped me to grow.  I'm still not sure what I need to learn from this one but I also realized I no longer want to use it as an excuse not to work on becoming a better me. 

For the next few days I took the time to ponder the blessings I gained through trials... which made me think about when I was going through each trial and I was absolutely sure there could not be a good enough reason I had to deal with it... yet each time I got through a trial, I was able to clearly see the reason. I have heard people say that there are certain things they could never forgive, mainly because they believe that people only believe that forgiveness should be given to people who admit that have done something that caused pain and that they promise to never do that again... however; there are many people who will never admit to the pain they caused or feel they need forgiveness... forgiveness is for us, more than it is for anyone else. 

Whether the pain brought on by others or pain from life trials, forgiveness is always the answer.  Otherwise, we are the only ones that held hostage to the pain... never being free.  I had forgot this since I had been injured and not able to walk as I loved to do so much... There are other people going through health issues much worse than mine, life threatening ones. Although I understand we shouldn't measure our trials more or less than others... as what we deal with is real for us... however; I think we need to keep everything is perspective. I am sure I will have to remind myself of this in the future, I am hoping it won't take me as long to remember... I am not the only one dealing with pain and I can't use it as an excuse to give up on myself.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Love Wins, Love Always Wins

I have been very busy these days, with keeping the house clean, working and getting Valentina ready for school. Every time I have sat down to write, I would create half a post and then think I'll come back and finish it... however; once I find time to write again, I find my thoughts on the post gone. So I start another one... Three times so far... and it isn't that I haven't wanted to write, it has been more that my thoughts are all over the place.

I think it is because I have been watching too much news, something I had basically given up for many years due to the negativity I feel when I watched it... who needs that? Yet, there have been some very important things going on in the world lately, some of which I believe we need to be well informed on. I won't be giving my opinion on anything one way or the other but I will say this... I often have to pull back and watch a funny show like The Big Bang Theory or an old episode of FRIENDS.  We all need a little laugh from time to time so that the negativity doesn't sink in.

I often think of the uplifting quotes from Martin Luther King... I totally agree with what he said above, I will stick with love, hate is too much of a burden. I think too many of us hold on to hate for much too long. We think if we let go of hate, we are saying what happened to make us hate something is okay. It's not saying that at all, I think by holding onto hate that we breed more hate, I don't want that in my life, I want love.

For myself, I think about how my ex step mother Ruth used the excuse that my father cheated on her to abuse my sisters and me ... she held onto hate... I got to a point in my life at the age of 15 where I knew in my heart that hating her would only hurt me... I moved on and forgave her. My life could have gone one way by holding onto hate but thankfully I chose the other path. It was the best choice I made at such a young age... you would think that it would have been easy for me to choose love over hate.

It wasn't as I'm human... I could have hated Andrey for raping me but I found a way to forgive him and move forward, I didn't want to hold that feeling with me for the rest of my life, it was destroying me inside. Once I stopped hating him I was able to deal with the pain and move forward... Another good choice I made as the road I was on lead nowhere but to darkness. I saw so many good things that came from choosing loving myself over hating someone because I feel that's what choosing love over hate is...

I find what's going on in this this world today, there is so much hate out there which makes me believe even more that we need to choose love ... and yes it is a choice, at least is for me. Each time I have 'chosen' love... I have seen more love grow in my life. I honestly hope that others will look within themselves and see that choosing hate won't change anything for the good... choosing love is the only way... The truth is that love wins, love always wins....

 

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Overcoming Trials With New Dreams

I never have a difficult time writing, usually I sit down and the words pour out of me, then I go back and fix up thoughts, add or delete things... this last week zapped my thoughts. It seemed like there had been one thing after another bringing me down.

First I'm overwhelmed at work, there is a great deal of changes happening... not all good, it's causing me a great deal of anxiety. Second I was walking and near the third mile I suddenly felt a pain... I thought all I would need to do was keep persevering ... then I injured it more. Third, with all the stress I've been out of control with my food.

I'm totally frustrated that everything seems like it is out of control... for the longest I time felt gratitude that I was able to exercise... I was feeling stronger and in control of my health. I kept thinking that no matter how many challenges or trials I have, I could walk the stress off. Then I injured myself and I am trying to figure out another way to de-stress, instead I am feeling completely overwhelmed... I hear myself saying Why me? Haven't I had enough challenges? Where is my break?

Then I feel guilty for thinking this way when I know there are many people without a job that would be grateful to have mine... there are people unable to walk, let alone exercise... and there are people going through bigger challenges than I am. Yet I felt despondent with having one stressful thing after another this past couple of weeks. I don't enjoy feeling this way. So, I started reading older blog posts that I had written and saw how far I have come, how much I've changed.

Although I don't feel excited about any of the trials I have, I do have hope that if I can get through ten years of child abuse, being a young single mother at eighteen, an emotionally abusive marriage, then being raped by Andrey... and losing David as my very best friend...

Surely I can deal with a stressful job, a physical injury and having to change the dreams I had for myself to different dreams. That's what life is about, making new and better dreams by overcoming trials...

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

An Open Heart Forgives

I need to write about forgiveness, I have written about it many times but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I often think how grateful I am that I understand that forgiveness is not so much for the other person as it is to free our hearts and ourselves from an unhealthy relationship or situation.

I thought I had this down, I learned this concept when I was 15 years old, I was living with my ex step mother Ruth and it was pretty unbearable. She was physically and verbally abusive. I was filled with anger towards her when one day I felt the need to pray, what I prayed for was just to be free of her, I wished her no harm, I just didn't want her to have control over me. I prayed every night, in six months I was free.

Whenever I would come up against a challenge that entailed another person, I always took the forgiveness route because I did not want, nor do I want anyone to have that kind of control over me. I have friends that don't let go of it because they have felt wronged... which is true but holding on to being right and proving your point only holds you to the person all the more.

That's why this last week I have been thinking about how I need to be reminded of what I have learned and know from past experience. There is someone in my life that I need to forgive, I don't necessarily have to say it to her but for myself I need to forgive her. Part of me held back forgiving her because I thought I was in the right. Then I had a light bulb moment or an ah ha moment where it doesn't matter if I am right, what matters is that until I forgive her, she will be a part of my life and frankly I don't want that to happen.

I spent this weekend thinking about it and I realized how toxic it was for me to hold on to prove I was right, that she had intentionally wronged me to put herself in a good light. The fact that she did is neither here nor there ... what matters is that I forgive her and move on. Maybe if I forgive her, she will be able to move on too... I think we both need that.

Since I am choosing to rise above the challenges that I have dealt with and the ones that will come to me, I knew that until I could forgive her and wish her happiness, that I would not be able to grow to the next level. I do believe that forgiveness starts inside our heart which opens our mind and that frees us from being held back.

I am feeling lighter already, I don't want the burden of being right to hold me back from being the best person that I can be. I hope that the next time a challenge comes up like this one that I will remember quicker and waste less time holding on to the need to be right... remembering to keep my heart open to forgiveness.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

I Can Weather Any Storm

I have been wanting to write for days, I have started the first line many times...  I know what I want to say, I just didn't feel like I could say it.  My words have been used against me, twisted in ways I don't even recognize them.   That is why I wrote my last post ... to make myself perfectly clear.  The thought that someone would do everything they could to hurt me is beyond me, I have no desire to hurt anyone like that.

I realized that anyone who took the time to search all of my writings to twist my words to paint me one way, doesn't make them right.  I am not what they want to portray me as, I am tenacious and I never give up... this is the way I have always been... I have had to come through a lot more than this last challenge and I have always come out on top.  I survived ten years of child abuse, being a single mom at the age of eighteen, the emotional abuse in my marriage, the rape... losing him... I can survive whatever is dished out to me.

Believe me when this last challenge came along, I wanted to lay all the words out to prove that they had twisted everything out of proportion but I knew that this is what they wanted from me, I will never break my promise ... some things will stay where they belong and that will leave them to wonder...  Besides, even when it is in plain English, these types of people will find a way to twist them for their own benefit.

It's because they are insecure and they don't believe in themselves... otherwise they wouldn't take hours out of their day trying to pull another person down.  I personally don't have hours in my day to waste hurting anyone... I believe in karma.  I know you cannot keep hurting people and it not come back to you, it is a fact of life, I almost feel sorry for them, because I know that what karma gives back is worse than what is given out. 

So, think about how many hours of your life that were wasted searching for ways to pull me down... since nothing could really be found, my words were twisted so that you could feel better... I am never going to stop writing and I will say what I feel even if my words are taken out of context to appease someone else.  It's better that this person wastes time pulling me down, instead of hurting someone else who might not be able to deal with it... I am strong and tenacious, I can weather any storm.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Things I'd Tell My 15 Year Old Self Today

I have seen these letters going around in the blog world, each person seems to choose an age that is pertinent to them.  Fifteen was one of the first huge change years for me that I remember.  It was the year I entered high school, it was the year I fell for a boy that I ended up falling in love with 33 years later, we later became the best of friends and it was the year my father found out that Ruth was abusing us with words, fear and violence. For the first time in my life my father stood up, made a decision and left Ruth for good.

So, what would I tell my 15 year old self today:

One that none of those kids that I went to school with matter when I'm older, all those days of feeling inadequate and being judged by my peers are meaningless to me when I grew up.  They were just as scared as I was and I am grateful that I didn't make anyone feel the way they made me feel.  I am sure as they grew, they have their own guilt... I would tell myself to worry less about what those kids thought of me.

Two, sometimes the past should remain in the past... sometimes when you let the past in, it could destroy your future... mine almost did.  Even today... I wonder if I will ever get to a point that I won't feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life allowing the past to catch up to my present.  I would tell my 15 year old self not to believe everything you see in front of you, people have masks of who they want you to see...  I found that out the hard way a couple of times in my life ...

Three, I would tell myself to love myself more... and that I deserved better than I ever allowed myself to expect.  I never raised the bar high enough, I kept my little dreams instead of making bigger dreams... because I never thought I could do better.  I can do better though, I know I certainly deserve better... I settled one to many times and today I will never settle again.

Four, I would tell myself to dream and to chase those dreams, life is too short it goes by quicker than any of us think.  I would also tell me to choose better friends, I have chosen a few people in my life that make me question what I was thinking... I would tell me to love more and not be afraid to go after what I want.

I tell my 50 year old self these things all the time now, I am going to chase my dreams... I am not going to settle for less, I don't care what other people think of my choices and mostly I am going to open myself up to love... for once in my life, I deserve the guy... the guy who will love me and only me.  The honest, kind, sweet guy... The bar has been raised and I won't be lowering it for anyone.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

No More Hiding Behind The Weight

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I have a question for all my blogger friends who have actually written a book and had it published.  Believe me I know it must have been quite the endeavor to do this ... ever since I have taken back my life with exercising and eating healthy, I have had many people in my life tell me how I need to write about it... I scoffed at them, as truly how many people have written weight loss books or how they finally got to the weight they desired?  More and more I have been thinking that maybe they are right, maybe it is time for me to sit down, compile a book of my journey?  I have everything documented either through my blog, my Facebook, My Fitness Pal or Map My Walk... nothing is all in one place.

I guess I wonder how viable it would be to sit down and put this all together in one place, starting from what actually got me started to what keeps me on this path?  I have had many people comment on how determined I am, I have always been determined... I just never channeled it in the right direction or the right places.  I allowed life issues to take over and I allowed myself to use one excuse after the other to not be the best I could actually be.  Maybe out of fear, I don't know... maybe writing the book whether it gets published or not might answer those questions for me.

All I know is that lately I can't scoff at it as easily as I did in the past, sometimes I will be laying in bed and I have written a chapter in my head just like that.. I even have chapter headings and a possible title.  I have always wanted to write, it has been a desire of mine since I was a little girl.  Unfortunately I allowed other people to define me and I let circumstances in my life make me feel less than I was... Even I can see that I have massive determination when I put my mind to it... people can have a food I used to love to eat and I don't feel like eating it, not in the least.  I feel like I want to be healthy and strong over anything else, I do not feel deprived.

I have overcome a fire that burned me and broke my family apart, I have come through childhood abuse by my ex step mother Ruth, I overcame being a young single mother raising my oldest daughter on assistance, I became stronger after all the abuse Andrey heaped on me in our marriage and the rape after we were separated and I survived losing the love of my life my David.  These are all defining moments that could have taken me down and led me to a path of self destruction but I found the strength to come through each of these and even at my lowest after losing my David romantically I found the desire to finally pull out the strength to get my life on track.

Nearly a year and a half after the break up I dug down deep and finally started my weight loss journey, with every pound I lost I started finding myself more.  I never realized how much I had hid myself behind the weight.  As much as I hated the weight, it was my way of keeping me from growing to my potential as the more I lost the more I realized I had nothing to hide behind anymore.  It was kind of scary since I had given up all the other things I did to hide behind too... I had a plan, a goal of sorts and that came crashing down around me a few weeks ago too, still I stayed with exercising and eating healthy.  I can no longer hide anywhere, as each day moves on from the other, I realize I don't want to hide anymore...

Truthfully, if I can get through all of these things that I did, I can lose the weight and become the best me... Now to write the book, if anything it might answer questions for me...

I'm Hoping I Left Some Of It Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am not even sure what I want to write or if I should write... I haven't slept for a couple of days, other than an hour or so at a time... even when I took the opportunity to nap in the day over the weekend, it was only an hour here and there.  Tonight, no matter what I do, sleep eludes me... unfortunately for reasons I can't talk about, reasons I feel like I have no one to talk with...  I don't ever think I have felt this lonely and alone in my life. How did I get to this place in my life where I have no one, no one because I feel I would be judged.

Only my David and he is busy as well as healing... he never judges me, why can't more people be like that? I feel so frustrated that I could scream and I know I can't because that would not solve anything... I feel sad and nothing I do is making the sadness go away... I feel angry and I don't want to feel this way.  Truthfully a huge part of me wants to do anything I can so that I don't have to feel the way I am feeling right now... so many silly ideas ran around in my head all day long...  Not one of them were viable... as in the end, none of them would make me happy, none of them would take the pain away.

It would still be there, how would that solve anything?... I guess I have to walk through the pain, no matter hard it is, no matter how sad it is... I want to make it to the other side... In the past I avoided walking through the pain... I did everything and anything so that I never had to feel it... What did it accomplish?  Nothing... the pain was still there... I am just so afraid that I will walk through the pain and it will still be there, then what do I do?

I walked tonight, I really walked fast on the track... I kept going around and around the track, hoping I would tire myself out so that I wouldn't have to think... I sat down after forty some minutes and the sweat literally rolled off me and dripped everywhere, it stung my eyes, my pony tail was soaked against my back, every article of clothing I had on was stuck to me.  I just sat there... and then the tears came, the ones I had been trying to hold back.  No one knew, it looked like I was sweating ... I didn't care.  I felt empty and yet the tears continued and pain didn't cease.

Now I can't sleep and the tears won't stop ... the only good thing is that I have not fallen back into old patterns... I didn't breakdown and eat everything, I walked... I did two good things and it is still the same... But because they are the same, it showed me that falling into old patterns never solved the pain, maybe with my new pattern... eventually I will walk through the pain to the other side.

My whole life is flipped upside down... I'm not complaining, everyone has that from time to time... it is apart of living.  Just as I say and believe, it isn't the amount of challenges we get through, it is how we get through them... I want to get through this one in the best way possible.  So many times today I wanted to lay on the floor in a fetal position and just cry until there was nothing left inside but honestly this pain will not be cried out in a day... it will take a lot of time. It's probably one of the most difficult days of my life and I thought the day that David told me we were not going to make it was the hardest day.

This was much worse, I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly sad I am and how much pain I am feeling.  There are not enough words to adequately explain what I am feeling.  I am sure people have felt more than I have had to deal with today... but I can tell you this... I would take back all the pain I have had in the past and trade this day away.  I was burned in a fire that I have to live with everyday... it changed my family and I have been physically and emotionally abused as a child for many years, I was degraded and emotionally abused in my marriage and then finally raped by Andrey,

I would take back every single one of those if I could trade today away but of course I can't... this is one of those defining moments in my life, the kind that will ultimately break me or make me so strong that I will not even believe it is possible.  I know how tough this is to read, believe I know... I wrote it, it was and is inside me... I wrote tonight in hopes that I could leave some of it somewhere, other than inside my heart and head... Maybe I could sleep for an hour or two... I'm hoping....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

The Secrets That Bind Us Can Also Break Us

I decided to attempt to fix up my blog last night, all I wanted to do was change up the colors as I realized sometimes it is difficult to read with all the different colors... I had people mention it to me nicely.  I have been wanting to make the changes but believe me when I tell you I am not very technical, don't get me wrong, I LOVE technology... I just get frustrated when I am unable to make things work like they should.

So, I started by going in to change up the colors and for some reason, they would not change, no matter how many times I tried... I was on Facebook at the time and I remembered that Rae had helped me with my blog about a year ago... I sent her a quick message and she was more than willing to help, I had her go in and clear what was there, then she put my heart background and light pink back on... just like that.  Thank you Rae!!! She made it so easy for me to go in and fix up the rest of it...  I even went on to You Tube and learned how to change my cursor... I never would have figured that out on my own.  I will be using You Tube more in the future, how cool and it was simple.  Of course nothing is simple until you learn it...

Eventually I want to have someone do a nice layout for me, before I can do that, I want to be moved and settled into a new place... ever since I decided to move for September, it is all that I can think of... I actually want to get some boxes and start packing away the things I am not using right now... like books and winter items, purging like crazy as I go.  I will need the next couple of months to clear out all the stuff I do not need or use... it will make cleaning this place and unpacking in the new place a lot easier if I can get rid of as much as possible.

What I really need to do is have Valentina find a way of changing her thinking... she has a need to save everything... I mean everything.   I am after her as much as I can but if I don't get after her every single day, the next thing I know, she has saved mounds of items that are useless.  It boggles my mind because I would rather get rid of things we don't need than save it so that I become overwhelmed. If she doesn't learn now that things are not important she will end up being a hoarder... that would be scary.

I had a long talk with my sister tonight, the one who lives in New York state... we hadn't talked for about a month or so, we are both pretty busy and it isn't easy to find the time, so when the time is available we take it and talk for hours.  We have not always been close but we are working on this the past few years, I really think that how we were raised made it difficult for us to be close.  You would think sharing the same secret of childhood abuse would have bonded us but we both reacted to the abuse differently, so it kept us from being the close sisters we might have been otherwise.  It was almost like we were pitted against each other... just another form of abuse.

I am proud of her, she has come a long way... with very little help, she has dealt with difficult issues herself, which is what I think helped us to become close again.  I always thought of my sister Shelly as the pretty one, yet she has had the same difficulties in relationships as we all have had... I came to realize over the years that how we look doesn't make life or relationships any easier... She is dating a very kind and sweet sounding man... I am happy for her... she deserves this after the troubled relationships she has endured. 

I think we all need that kind and gentle person in our lives, the ones that show us we are worth it, we've always been worth it, we just didn't know because it was taken from us as children through the secrets we held of being abused... It might have taken us quite some time to get this back but we never gave up the idea that it was possible.... I told her tonight that even though David and I didn't work out romantically that he was my kind, sweet man who showed me my worth... I'm really grateful that my David came back into my life... sometimes it is sad for me that it didn't work out but for us but ultimately I am very thankful that I have him there... he grounds me when I start to get out of control...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning The Light On My Pain

I read  a blog called scribbles from the ether that touched me today, Katie the author of the blog had left a sweet comment on mine, I always reciprocate and read the persons blog... and leave a comment thanking them.  I was drawn in immediately with her candid and open honesty... I connect well with people like that as I am the same way.  The last paragraph resonated with me, it gave me an answer to some issues I have been dealing with.  I have what she called an abusive relationship, hers is anorexia... how she used to feel it was her twin but how she now saw that no matter how much she might love her twin, she could see it as being much more abusive than helpful now that she is going through recovery.

She is right that the light or the good feelings that you get from the abusive relationship you are in (drinking, drugs, food... etc) end up being slivers compared to the pain and damage these relationships actually end up bringing.  I never really thought about it this way but her post clicked with me, I understood more that anything I do to myself to make me feel better and actually ends up hurting me more in the long run... needs to be eliminated from my life.  The small amount of good feelings that come from attempts at making myself happy through these things are just not worth it anymore. 

I know I am not writing it nearly as eloquently as she did, Katie was just being truthful about her addiction with anorexia and how she keeps herself from going back down that road daily... she remembers that although it felt good to have control, the side effects were not worth it ultimately. It doesn't start out that way, it starts out feeling good most of the time but than it slowly feels less and less good... That is the way it is with many addictions we hold onto in life, mine is overeating... or more precisely eating the wrong things...

I want to be on the healing side of that addiction, the first step is seeing that although the food I eat may be tasty and might bring me comfort at the time.... it ends up being a burden carrying the extra weight around, that doesn't feel good at all.  I have to have a relationship with food but I need to get into the healthy side of that one... I needed to read what she wrote because it turned a light on inside me that I am looking forward to keeping turned on more often today and in the future....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Your Behavior Doesn't Dictate My Behavior

I had a wonderful morning with Valentina... we went to the playground (unfortunately it was too cold), then we decided to window shop a little... it was good to just spend the morning together.

The afternoon was much lazier, I spent the time cleaning but mostly relaxing... I feel rejuvenated after having the six days off.  I really needed the time and I was able to spend most of the time with my Valentina.

We were able to get in about a thirty minute walk today... I've been working on getting at least thirty minutes in each day... it's not easy as I have so many excuses that I have to get passed. I wish I didn't have so many but I plan to push through them all.

My sister and I were chatting this morning and discussing our upbringing with Ruth ... she brought up the fact that Ruth was abused as a child.  When I reminded her that although the three of us had been physically abused by Ruth... not one of us abused our own children.

We have the ability to change how we were brought up... frankly we knew that Ruth was wrong and we all knew that we didn't want to repeat her terrible behavior.  Ruth was weak... she still is because she can't admit that she was wrong to treat us as she did. 

She will have to live with her behavior and she alone will have to answer for her treatment of us... I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about when or how she will be dealt with... I'm just thankful I'm not her.  I have my own things to deal with... as we all do... as much as I feel that I have the right to judge Ruth, I don't though... I only need to worry about my own actions. 

When I release myself from judging Ruth or anyone else, it takes a lot of stress out of my life.  I know that some people have the need to see other people pay for their behavior, I have no desire for any of this.  I don't want her or anyone else to dictate my happiness ...  I like that little bit of freedom that I have, these people cannot affect my life anymore...

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Freedom From The Whys

Today was a MUCH  better travel trip to work, all three buses connected and I arrived there in 55 minutes... I had another good day at work, the clients and I had some great conversations and I helped fix some really big issues.  I feel like I am learning and retaining lots of things lately, it was very true what they told me when I was hired... they said that it took about six months that you stopped panicking on a call and you actually new something but that it could take up to two years to feel like you knew something.  I have been in my position for almost five years and although I get crazy questions, I am in the state that I want to know why instead of just giving an answer someone else told me to give. That feels good, that feels productive to me.... since I wondered how or why I wasn't let go in the beginning from all the mistakes I made and how slowly it took me to understand programming.

My company knows and understand that this is not an easy peasy job... it takes time, it is almost like learning a whole new language, as everything is in code and there are so many you cannot memorize them, so you just learn as each day goes by... I think it's awesome.  I love my job, I feel I am very good at it and I love that I continue to learn every single day.

So, the only thing to mar an otherwise wonderful day was that my David messaged me to tell me that his Son is having troubles again... it breaks my heart because my D is far away and he can't be here and he loves his son so much.  He really is a very good daddy, I knew there was a reason I was attracted to him when I was a teenager, I could see all those amazing qualities in him that he now possesses... He probably already had them, he just magnified them.

I will be sending out good and positive thoughts for David's son as well as prayers.  I know he won't rest until he hears some good news, my D already has too much on his plate and I am hoping for this will be one less issue he will have to deal with. 

David asked me why bad things seem to always happen to good people and why people who seem to hurt other people don't have consequences?  I understand completely where he is coming from, I have a lot of people who ask me this... First and foremost for me, I gave up questioning why?  There was never an answer, I will not understand why... second, for me to move on, I have to forgive some of those people who may have hurt me or ones that I love... otherwise I would be the one suffering by becoming bitter and angry.  I definitely have many things that I could question....

Why did I have to go through the fire?  Why did I have to grow up with an abusive ex step mother?  Why did I have to deal with being raped by Andrey?  I gave up asking all those why's because I wanted to live in the present and I didn't want the past to pull me down.  I forgave the abuse and the rape, it doesn't mean I want to have either of these people in my home for dinner... it means I can be civil to them and not let them dictate my present and future.

I didn't come to any of this easily, I had to take all the hard roads but with each trial I have endured, I have grown from them... It actually feels good to let go, it means one less thing for me to worry about... Who needs added things to worry about?  Not me and I hope we can all learn to forgive and move on, not for any of those people that may of hurt or wronged us but for ourselves, it's freeing..

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Learning Daily To Forgive Myself

I have been thinking about forgiveness... I think it is hard for some people, especially when someone hurts you beyond what you thought anyone was capable of doing.  I personally can forgive those people, of course they are no longer a part of my life, I don't believe in letting people hurt you over and over.  Forgiveness for me is letting it go for me, not for them. 

What I find hard is forgiving myself... I don't know why I can seem to forgive other people so much easier than I do for me.  I expect so much of myself, I have an impossibly high bar.  When I make mistakes as we all do since we are human, I seem to be much more harsher on myself.

I am trying to be kinder to myself or at least treat myself as good as I treat other people.  I can honestly sit her and say that I have forgiven my step mother Ruth for being abusive to me... does it mean that I want anything to do with her, no.. but I also do not wish any harm to her.  From everything I can see, she ended up alone, not a great place to be when you are elderly.

I forgive Andrey for everything he did to me, the nasty words, the shoving, the slapping and the rape.  He holds no power over me, I am free from him... why would I want to hold on to hate, he would own me... Andrey will have to deal with what he did to me, none of it will come from me... I think it will come in the form of losing Valentina when she is older and she finds out what he did to me.  That little girl loves her papa but she loves me and doesn't like when someone hurts me.  I will want her to forgive him though, I don't want her living with hate.

Someday, I will write about what I have such a hard time forgiving myself for, I haven't done anything to hurt anyone else, what I have done has hurt only me.  Sometimes I feel that I lost my David because of the things I did... he's told me that's not true but I think if I hadn't done those things that it might be different for us. There are very few people in this world that knows  what I did to deal with the abuse in my life.  David is one of those people who actually knows it all.

He never judged me or said an unkind word to me in all the time I have known him... I just wonder because I have had a hard time loving and forgiving myself, so I can't fathom how he or others could...  I know I am a good and kind person, who would much rather hurt myself than to hurt another person, so for this reason I work daily to let it go and not let it eat me up inside.

I really need to work on forgiving me, I was in pain... I didn't know how to deal with it....  if I can forgive other people, I should be able to forgive myself in time...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield