The Light Always Shows Through In Time

It's been awhile since I blogged, I was hoping to come back with a little positive news... I saw my doctor, she prescribed a medication that has side effects I am not fond of, it makes me groggy all the time and it makes me dizzy... which is not good while working, I end up being a little loopy. It's only been about a week and a half, I know medications take time to work, so I am giving it a chance. ... I am not feeling hopeful as the pain has not lessened in my legs at all... if anything there is more pain.

Friday I took a vacation day and pampered myself by getting my hair cut and colored, it has been a long time... it took them seven hours (it's a school) ... I got some more purple in my hair and got a root touch up, plus fixed what I did while I didn't go to a professional... I won't wait so long in between, it normally doesn't take them that long. It feels good to have it done, it makes a difference, it gives me a boost. I plan to get an updated picture this week, once I do my make up and have my friend over to take the picture.

Even though I think things feel bleak at the moment for my health, I am trying to stay hopeful... maybe these pills won't work but something else might... I want to thank everyone who reached out to me, either through the blog, email or messenger. One person gave me hope as she went through something similar quite a few years ago. It took awhile but her doctor figured out what the issue was and she was able to get her health back, along with her life.

Our spring is just around the corner, or at least we hope it is... there still seems to be a little more snow on the way but I know the spring will be here before we know it and winter will be a distant memory... although it is painful to walk, I am going to walk a little each day, even if it is only for 10 minutes ... despite not feeling like it, I don't want to stop moving completely. I've seen people who have given up, I find they just get worse... I don't want that to happen to me.

I was talking to a friend of mine in Australia and I told her that I felt like I was being selfish because the pain I have been dealing with is all that I can think of or talk about... she was kind enough to tell me that she didn't feel I was being selfish and that it was human nature to focus on ourselves when we are in pain... it made me think how there have been so many times in my life that different types of pain have taken over my life... when I was raped I wondered if I would ever see the good in men and trust them again... I did. Then losing 'him' I wondered if I could love again ... it took me a long time but I think I could.

Pain has a way of making us selfish, I think it's a way of protecting ourselves at times... at others, I feel like it helps us to look inwards to find answers... it ends up showing us that we are stronger than we think we are, we learn that no matter how difficult emotional or physical it is... there is a way through...  I always hold on to that in my toughest times, it might seem dark and that there is no way through... but the light always shows through in time...


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Comebacks Are Stonger Than Setbacks

Time has been flying by so quick lately, I have been busy at work, doing overtime, staying late to get work done and starting early. By the time I'd get off, it was all I could do to just make a meal and keep up with the housework. There are less than two weeks left for the busiest time of year at work, I am looking forward to having time for myself again. This weekend is a long one for us in Nova Scotia today, it is Family Day... I made sure I had all the housework and grocery shopping done so that today would just be for me to write... oh and get caught up on my blogs... I am way behind and I have truly missed you all. 

I think I need to consider giving television up again, I did it for 5 months before and I didn't miss it... it is such a time waster for me. I haven't been able to give it up totally, so I have been contemplating having one day a week where I can watch a couple of my favorite shows and turn it off for the rest of the time. Then I could actually use my time for other activities such as cooking, reading, exercising and keeping in contact with people I love. I have been questioning what I really want as I find that I am doing the opposite of what I say I want... I do wish it was easier to commit to doing what I say... 

I remember being so committed, I had a goal and I was driven... it's like I let the challenges break me. I am being honest here, I let those challenges break me, it's like I am terrified of committing to anything... I have failed so many times in the last year to year and a half. Part of me thinks if I don't commit I won't fail again... When I know that if I don't commit I will fall backwards... because the truth is if we are not moving forward, we are going backwards. I want to change that feeling, I want to face the fear and move through it... 

I have been acting like I am weak and unable to fix the broken parts of me... somehow it seemed easier than facing the truth and making the changes. I have grown through many challenges that I often believed were impossible for me to see through to the other side... Each time the trial seemed insurmountable and yet I made it over each mountain over and over... becoming stronger. Every one of us has numerous tests we are given, we all have to decide for ourselves if we are going to fight to get through or let them bury us. 

I have been allowing it to bury me and frankly, it hasn't felt good... I have talked the good talk for months but they have been empty words, admitting that I have been going backwards is the first step in moving forward. I know I cannot make all the changes I want all at once, I have to start prioritizing what is important and then build on it each day. No one climbed a mountain in one day, it took climbing hills and gaining strength and knowledge to get to the top of the mountain. I know I have to commit all the way but... I don't have to commit to everything all at once, that will just continue to make me feel like a failure and I won't ever succeed at anything. 

The good thing for me is that spring is on its way here, still a month or so away but I am seeing the light... and Valentina has her orthodontist appointment in less than two weeks, so I will finally have a price to fix her teeth. Half the issue is not knowing, I can't commit any other money anywhere until I know what I will be needing on a monthly basis. Also, I will then be able to get around easier when the snow is gone and the daylight will last later in the day... I have hibernated with winter, more so than usual but it's time for me to take the first step of ascending that mountain I want to climb to the top of... Although there will be setbacks, the comeback is always stronger...

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If Nothing Ever Changed, There'd Be No Butterflies

I have had a very busy week, hence why I haven't been writing... work has been busy for me, the good thing is... is that I finally have approval to work from home, now the paperwork starts... I am going in really early Monday to see if I can get all the forms filled out... I have been on the site and it says it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. So... getting the forms filled out is extremely important, along with that I still have some work left at home to be ready. Before I have anything from work placed in my office, I will take a picture and share it here... afterwards I cannot due to extremely sensitive information. I even have a lock on my office, I will be treating my work like work and leaving it at the end of the day. 

 

School will be starting soon for Valentina,  a little over two weeks... another thing I have to get ready for. She has decided to change her school this year, it is closer to home... where she will be able to walk back and forth most days unless there is inclement weather. As well, she will be able to come home for lunch... so I plan to take my lunch at the same time so that I can spend more time with her... I think this is going to be good for both of us as the past 8 years of traveling has taken a great deal of time from us... and I think teenagers need their parents more than they realize. 

In the past nearly two weeks since I have written... I have had many thoughts about what I wanted/needed to write... some incidents have come up reminding of me feelings I haven't really dealt with since I was not capable at the time... often I think it is best to put issues aside until I am stronger and with time answers often come up to help me make better decisions.  However; as you know bringing up emotions you haven't dealt with are still not easy... even when you are aware that life probably turned out for the best... accepting that isn't as simple as people want to portray it though. 

It's like dealing with my being raped, I have forgiven my ex and moved forward but it's not say that there are not days that it comes flooding back into my mind ... for the most part, I have become stronger... but it changed me in ways that people can't see... It made me much more empathetic to women who have had to deal with what I did in my marriage, I know that life isn't black and white... there are no easy answers. Of course looking back I can see all the signs that lead up to the emotional abuse in my marriage and how it ultimately lead to being raped...

I am not saying I brought that on me in anyway... I am saying that hindsight is twenty/twenty... I have been talking about this with a friend and she and I discussed how both of us were not able to see the men we married for what they really were... until much too late. However; both of us learned a great deal, it is exactly like Maya Angelou says 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' ... I know we should look for the good in others but that doesn't mean you have to let them in your life.

I have learned over time that I need to look after myself first or I will not be any good to anyone else... As well, if I respect my boundaries, people for the most part will respect them too. I believe that when I honor myself and know that I deserve to be treated with total respect, that is what I will get in return... Is that easy?  No, many life experiences alter us but if we can learn to respect ourselves that is where I think we can grow the most... besides if we never changed, there would be no butterflies...

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