The Light Always Shows Through In Time

It's been awhile since I blogged, I was hoping to come back with a little positive news... I saw my doctor, she prescribed a medication that has side effects I am not fond of, it makes me groggy all the time and it makes me dizzy... which is not good while working, I end up being a little loopy. It's only been about a week and a half, I know medications take time to work, so I am giving it a chance. ... I am not feeling hopeful as the pain has not lessened in my legs at all... if anything there is more pain.

Friday I took a vacation day and pampered myself by getting my hair cut and colored, it has been a long time... it took them seven hours (it's a school) ... I got some more purple in my hair and got a root touch up, plus fixed what I did while I didn't go to a professional... I won't wait so long in between, it normally doesn't take them that long. It feels good to have it done, it makes a difference, it gives me a boost. I plan to get an updated picture this week, once I do my make up and have my friend over to take the picture.

Even though I think things feel bleak at the moment for my health, I am trying to stay hopeful... maybe these pills won't work but something else might... I want to thank everyone who reached out to me, either through the blog, email or messenger. One person gave me hope as she went through something similar quite a few years ago. It took awhile but her doctor figured out what the issue was and she was able to get her health back, along with her life.

Our spring is just around the corner, or at least we hope it is... there still seems to be a little more snow on the way but I know the spring will be here before we know it and winter will be a distant memory... although it is painful to walk, I am going to walk a little each day, even if it is only for 10 minutes ... despite not feeling like it, I don't want to stop moving completely. I've seen people who have given up, I find they just get worse... I don't want that to happen to me.

I was talking to a friend of mine in Australia and I told her that I felt like I was being selfish because the pain I have been dealing with is all that I can think of or talk about... she was kind enough to tell me that she didn't feel I was being selfish and that it was human nature to focus on ourselves when we are in pain... it made me think how there have been so many times in my life that different types of pain have taken over my life... when I was raped I wondered if I would ever see the good in men and trust them again... I did. Then losing 'him' I wondered if I could love again ... it took me a long time but I think I could.

Pain has a way of making us selfish, I think it's a way of protecting ourselves at times... at others, I feel like it helps us to look inwards to find answers... it ends up showing us that we are stronger than we think we are, we learn that no matter how difficult emotional or physical it is... there is a way through...  I always hold on to that in my toughest times, it might seem dark and that there is no way through... but the light always shows through in time...


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The Light Within That Leads Me

After I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt burned out and so I just stopped reading and commenting on blogs for almost a week... I would read one or two and then stop. After a week I really missed everyone and couldn't wait to catch up, I pulled up my blog list and I had over 150. I had to be selective if I was ever going to get on top of it... Last night I caught up, it felt good... we all need breaks from time to time, it was good for me. As I was reading many of my followers blogs they too were echoing my sentiments and making decisions to cut back... we seemed to be on the same wave length. 

I didn't do a lot but relax and think... I also read many of my older posts, which had me thinking about how far I have come but how far I still had to go... Many challenges I have overcome, others are still controlling me... It made me realize that I cannot just overcome something and think that was it, when I choose to think it's as simple as that, I fail and have to relearn the lesson. For myself I have had a defeatist attitude in the past when I had to go through the same challenge.

I thought about what was gained by having that attitude? Since the truth is that I am able to get through the challenges given to me, even though I may doubt myself time and time again. It has never been that I cannot overcome a trial, the question has always been if I wanted to?  I don't think we choose our trials but I know we choose how and if we deal with them... I have been a master of ignoring them, burying them and defending myself against them... Until I decide to face it, the issue continues to return. I read a blog yesterday where the writer explained how they were tired of trying to overcome their trials, that the pain was too much... this person has been through a great deal, however; I don't think giving up is the answer.

I say this as I know from past experience that deep pain that doesn't seem to allow light in has been a part of my past. I am sure a great deal of us have been there... some of us are better at dealing with it, I always seem to take the long road through the darkness, until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel... it's only after I get there that I realize the tunnel was the illusion, not the light. I fail to understand why I cannot remember that when I am going through the next challenge... because there will always be another challenge. It's not easy to elevate ourselves over our human nature that continues to doubt.

I have to continue to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing, it's not true, I am learning... because each failure is teaching me something. I have to be open to learning it so that I can move forward to the next one. For me disappointment is one of the most difficult things to get past, there is a constant reminder of what could have been... I know looking back isn't good, hence this is why I have been moving forward but it doesn't always stop the sad feelings...

 

I have a chance for some big changes, I am aligning myself with them... although they may be extremely challenging, I feel these ones will be worth it... I have been wanting to do things that I have not have had the time to do... there is a good possibility I will have the opportunity to have the time I need... I would be grateful for any and all good thoughts ... once I know more I will write about it... I am letting the light from within me lead me...

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A Year From Now

The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy for me, I have my final exam I am taking in less then three weeks, so I will be studying every night until the final. I am still going to take a little time for myself to read blogs but I probably won't be able to comment as much as usual or write another post until then. I hope you all understand, once the exam is over I will be back to normal.

It's good though as the next few weeks are full of memory dates that hopefully I will be to busy to even notice any of them. Then as soon as I am finished the exam, I will be going full force with decorating my house and getting my first real Christmas tree in over twenty years. I am kind of excited, I had stopped getting real ones because I didn't want to worry about having to purchase a tree every year... this year I decided it was worth the extra effort to really go all out and make this year special. 

Valentina and I have been making plans of what we want to bake ... we are also making a list of people we want to deliver the treats to, we plan to take a few days around Christmas to drop over and visit people and give them a little special treat we made together. Valentina is very excited and I am too, I need to do something for other people so that I won't be thinking about myself and the dates filled with memories.

Usually I have Christmas dinner at home with Valentina but my sister has invited us over to her place with my niece and nephew and their families. I was so thrilled when she asked us to come over; first, I get to spend the holidays with my family and second I don't have to cook. By next year we will be moved as that is high on my list of priorities this summer, then hopefully I can host a Christmas dinner at my new place next year.

I am making the changes I need to make so that my holidays won't be the sad reminders they have been for the past couple of years.... I have known logically that I needed to make changes, I just didn't have what it took to make them... until now. I wish I had made them earlier but at least I am making the decision today...

I am not going to beat myself up for not deciding this earlier as feeling guilty won't change the past, it will only leave me feeling defeated and sad... as Maya Angelou said...  When you know better... you do better..

I've been thinking about how I finally made the decision to lose the weight, I had decided that I didn't want to be in the same place a year from then... It's the same thing here... in a year from now, I don't want to be thinking about the past memories of what ifs...  I want to be planning a wonderful Christmas without any sad memories taking over... Making new memories today will help me succeed even better next year...

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Riding The Wave Of Life

I remember a time I never doubted myself and the path I was on... I knew each time that when challenges came along that I all I had to do was ride out the wave and the answer would be there eventually.  I had a day in March 2008 which was one horrible incident after the other, throughout the whole day I smiled and took the challenges for what they were... to show me where I really should be going, within six months my life changed drastically.  Lately I have been wondering if I will ever recognize the path where I should be on or the answers it will give? 

I sometimes get a glimpse of the path and then it seems to disappear before I get there and I am left standing to wonder if I actually saw it or if it was all an illusion?  When you are shaken to the core in everything that you believe... becoming steady again even when it is calm is not easy.  It's like I doubt that the steady time will last before the next challenge is there for me to handle, lately I have been dealing with one thing... then another one would be delivered on my plate before I got through the first one, I started juggling them... eventually they fall, so it is much better to have the time in between to deal with them... I guess it is true that life is about learning to dance in the rain...

I know that sometimes there are trials that come into our lives that are meant to shake us up to where we become unsure but I also know that if we believe it is something that will pass, eventually along the path we will recognize the reason why we had to deal with that challenge.  For me, I just don't know the reason and because I don't know, it means I haven't been able to get back to where I should be. I feel like I have been floating in the wind... kind of like a butterfly that never stays put too long... instead I flit from here to there and I never seem to get to where I should be going. 

 

I had a thought tonight that made me very reflective of how I see people, more like how I want to see them than to actually see them as they truly are (I see that I have done this a few times in my life)... I realized that the unforgiving and judgmental attitudes were always there from the beginning, I failed to see past what I wanted to see... which makes me melancholy... I know that even though I have forgiven things, my forgiveness might not come ... I only have past behavior to think this, unless there is a great change somewhere, I will have to deal with that insight I gained and possibly one day, count myself lucky ...  Until then I will just ride the wave.

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Handling Curve Balls

I stumbled upon a new blog, I try hard  not to add new blogs since I am following so many but I can't help myself sometimes... If someone can draw me into their world within the first paragraph I am usually hooked... add another blog to my list.... This one is so inspiring and full of uplifting thoughts, I am excited to see each new blog post in the future.  It is simply called Christine Hassler  the post today titled Are you WAY to serious?

If you have a chance pop on over and read it, she had a few bad incidents after another over a few days and how she ended up reacting to them.  It reminded me of a time in March of 2008, one morning I woke up and decided to do my laundry... my wash machine had died, I stayed calm and ordered another one, I went off to work and ended up being taken into the office and told that I would be suspended for two days... mind you, they never explained why... I chose to take vacation pay for the whole week and I started looking for a new job, within five months I landed my job where I am now. Third I arrived home late to receive a call from my land lady that she wasn't going to renew my lease, I asked her if there was anything else, I thanked her for calling me and I went about finding a new apartment within three months, where I currently live.

I don't remember the actual day in March of 2008 but I can tell you this, it is a day I will never forget, it is a day where I handled one catastrophe after another and not one single one of them fazed me in the least.  It was because I figured that two of the three incidents happened for a reason and that if I went with it instead of against it, I would see big changes.  I say this because, I had been talking about moving for six months prior to this and talking about getting a new job because I knew where I was working that they were going to lose the project due to the horrible management.  Even though I had talked at length about making these changes, I did nothing until that day. That day was an answer to pushing me in the right direction, I felt like it ended up being one of the best days I have had.  I handled one thing after another and even smiled...

I especially smiled when I was being suspended without any reason explained... I smiled at my boss, asked her if there was anything else and then I thanked her, smiled and left the office.  You should have seen the look on their faces, they had no idea what to make of me, I didn't care, I know that I am an extremely hard worker who puts a lot of myself into my job... especially when I feel appreciated for my efforts. The previous company just didn't appreciate me, that is their loss... Now I am with a wonderful company that rewards the effort you put into your job.

What I learned from that day was that sometimes life throws you every curve ball in the book ... it is like bam, bam, bam... one right after another.  How we choose to react most of the time will impact how we deal with that challenge.  It's not always easy to just say, oh well... I will just move or I will just get a new job... but sometimes we are given those trials to get us to get up off our butts and make some changes.

I remember Oprah talking about how we get a whisper of what we need to do, then we get a shout, then we get a brick.... if we don't get it before this, the whole wall tumbles on us.  This is so true, I wish I wasn't so resistant to change all the time, I have proven time and again that when I flow with change, it ends up being amazing.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

It Was All In My Attitude

I had an off day, where I was playing catch up all day... from the moment I woke up, it took me nearly twenty minutes to finally roll out of bed.  I jumped into the shower and proceeded to spend an hour of my morning drying and styling my hair.  I had no idea how much it had grown in the past month (it seemed to have gained inches overnight, lol)... time to get it  cut a bit.. an hour is a bit much to spend on my hair in the morning. I didn't get my housework done on Saturday and I don't do any housework on Sundays, so because of this, I was completely unorganized with cooking lunch and getting clothes ready.

I actually left the house in plenty of time for the bus, which ended up being very late... which in turn made me miss my connection.  I stayed on that bus thinking I would just connect to any bus that was going across the bridge.  This was not to be, there was some sort of accident on the bridge and the bus was not able to go anywhere... by this point I was beginning to think the Universe was against me, lol. 

The bus was finally able to go over the bridge, however; my next transfer was no where in sight, I decided to take any bus to my next stop, which then had another twenty minute wait.  Did I mention it was cold this morning, beautiful but very cold.  I finally made it to work ten minutes before I was to start... I left the house at 7:10 am and I reached work at 8:50, what normally takes me a little over an hour, took me nearly two.

Work went really well though, the clients were funny, I was able to help solve most of their issues... it's always a good day when I come away from work smiling. It means I had a productive and happy day.. more and more of these lately.  Anyhow, I decided on the way home that no matter how tired I was and believe me I am exhausted, I was going to make sure the dishes and laundry were done... I can say it, they are done... so happy.

I am glad that I shook off the nasty morning I was having and started the day with a smile and it only got better as the day went on.  Tomorrow I will be more prepared and the day will be even better because of it, can't have two bad bus days in a row...

The highlight of my night was when Valentina and I went through all of her photos I have posted on Facebook, we laughed so hard and I told her the many stories behind each picture of her. There was one where she was eating cake and she was full of it... and ones where she was making the funniest faces, she is a beautiful girl but she can make the funniest faces that make us both laugh hysterically.  I'm going to post a few of these so you can smile like we did.

 Valentina and her first birthday cake

 Valentina and her many cute faces

Valentina at a year with her new fuzzy slippers

I am off to bed now, I want to start the day out on a good note and take it through the day... the best thing, I don't have to wash and style my hair, so I get an extra hour of sleep... starting off on the right foot.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Plan To Dance

So, I know I have been in an odd mood lately, it's part of life.  It is not easy to be upbeat and happy all the time, we all have our off days.  When I am having those days, I often feel like I shouldn't write because I want to be positive in my blog.  However; when those days come I find if I write everything out that it helps.... ultimately, that is the reason I started writing this blog, I wanted a place where I could say how I feel at any given moment.

I read and follow a great deal of blogs, there are many types that I enjoy reading... one particular type of blog I really like following are the ones where they open themselves up completely.  I usually connect with those bloggers the most as they are able to capture sheer sadness or joy with just a passage or a  picture.  They evoke feelings in me and I love when someone can touch me like that, it's not always that easy. 

I  have learned over time the best thing for me to do is write my feelings out, then I seem to deal with them better... when they are out in the open, they don't seem as daunting.  My attitude is really this, be yourself and have fun... life is too short not to enjoy the beauty that is offered to us daily.  I love the song 'I Hope You Dance' by Lee Ann Womack, basically enjoy ourselves in anyway we can in life...

I often need to say how I feel, so that down the road I don't live with regret and say why didn't I take the chance to say how I felt, even if I didn't always get the response I hoped for...  I think regret would be the hardest thing to live with later on in life... I don't plan to sit my life out, I plan to dance as often as possible.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Your Attitude Can Change Your Day If You Let It

Today was one of those days that started out on a bad foot but turned around before the end of the day.  First, I had a tough time waking up this morning, I kept laying in bed dozing... waking up... dozing... finally I got up.  I attempted to get into gear to get ready for work, at 6:00 am I received a text from Cindy, she was having health issues and not able to come down to take Valentina to school but she had someone that we knew close by that could take Valentina to school... So, I kicked it into high gear and my sweet little girl helped me get ready quickly enough to leave on time.

I dropped Valentina off to the sitters and headed off to catch my bus... well, this is where it all went wrong.  Making my way to the bus stop, I suddenly flew into the air and landed hard on my butt and back, I smacked the back of my hand against the concrete.  I pulled myself together, got to the bus stop...  hopped on the bus (well, not really hopped since I am using a cane due to my leg still healing); next thing I looked down and my bag I was carrying my lunch in was dripping.  I looked inside and there was my lunch wide open in the plastic bag (chili). 

Can I say I was frustrated and I wanted to cry right on the spot.  I decided to get off the bus at the mall to throw out my lunch since it was dripping everywhere.  I ended up waiting for the next bus... So, I got to work and found out that we were all getting a free lunch at work today, they do this occasionally in year end (I am in payroll), I was pleasantly surprised.  I made it home and a really sweet lady from my church messaged me that she wanted to drop by, I said sure...

When she came by she had prepared dinner for me, can I tell you how sweet this was and how special I felt.  This young mother of two darling children had taken the time to prepare a lovely meal for Valentina and myself.  Although I am sore and sure that it will take some time to heal, my mood is already 100% better than it was this morning... all it took was me not freaking out and getting upset.  I'm grateful that I didn't let one nasty fall ruin my day.

This just goes to prove to me now more than ever that although there are events that happen in our lives that could bring us down... we just have to relax, you never know what's around the corner, in my case really nice things. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

2013 And Forward‏

So, no life has not miraculously changed just because it's 2013 but my attitude is hopeful.  I have to believe that my turning the page on that last chapter will bring good things.

I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the many people in the blogging world who write inspiring, thoughtful and funny posts. Also I'm thankful for each and every comment on my blog,  I read and am touched by each of them!

I'm grateful that I've finally made some decisions, I've never been good at making them but I'm learning. The first thing that I want to do is blog at least once every day, I want to make this commitment to myself. 

Second, I'm going to go zip lining this summer, I have a girl from work who has offered to go with me; I'm very excited.  Third I want to get my divorce from Andrey, otherwise I'll never totally be free, this is very close to the top of the list.

Four is going to be a long term goal, once my leg is healed, I'm going to dedicate a part of the day strengthening my legs by walking, running...etc.  I have a goal for next New Years, I'm going to run a 5 K.  I even have a friend who's going to run it with me...things are falling into place.

Five, I've decided to choose a few things at a time to work on...no more trying to do everything at once. There is no perfection, there is just our best and that should be good enough.

I wish the best for everyone for this New Year and beyond.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Decision Is Ours To Make, When We Are Ready

Every moment is special and is worthy of your attention. ~ Leah Carey
 
Special moments are everywhere we look, we just have to focus.  Most times we as human beings are too self absorbed in our own life to see the beauty that is there for us.

I really looked this time on the way to work, beautiful flowers that were almost everywhere I could see.  Little children skipping along with their parents, the children show joy in all their surroundings.  Kitty cats sauntering along and then suddenly pouncing on something.  The calm waters in the harbor I drive over ever day.

I don't drive so I can take this time to just gaze while I'm on the bus.  Usually though I'm lost in my own thoughts, my own issues to see what is right there.  I have been feeling the need to be more present, more aware.

I had an epiphany the other morning, in my need to be loved, I forgot that it is me that makes me happy.  Also no matter how happy I am, I cannot make someone else feel this.  Some people are just not ready to be in that place, they want to be negative and in the "poor me" attitude. 

I just think they are afraid to believe that they have the right to feel happy and they deserve it.  Unfortunately they are missing out on the best times of their lives, the most wonderful experiences.  It's their loss, now that is truly sad. Especially when the opportunity to have sheer pleasure and joy was within their reach. They just had to believe and hold on for a little longer. 

The only thing I can do is be happy and radiate that as much as possible, if someone is not ready for that, I still have to continue on that path.... otherwise I will not be able to keep myself positive and uplifting.  I really refuse to go down to anyone's level again.  Instead, I am willing to help someone raise up so that they can feel worthy and loved too; all they have to do is want it.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Being Honest With Me, So I Can Be Honest With Others

Be honest with yourself about how you feel, because only then can you be honest with others about what you need. ~ Miriam Owens

I completely believe in being honest otherwise you have no one you can trust.  Reconnecting with David gave me that special someone that I could be my quirky self with. I enjoy that aspect of our relationship, there's nothing I can't say, I feel so free.

I never had anyone until David that I could be me with, I didn't even realize how difficult it was to find until I had it with him.  I'm a pretty open and honest person who shares my life easily. Yet we all have some things we don't feel safe about telling just anyone...

The wonderful thing about this is that I not only found who I can be me with, David found the person he can be 100% honest with too. He can tell me anything, I would NEVER judge him, just love him.

The awesome thing about that quote above was that we really just need to be honest with ourselves, if can't be honest with ourselves, we'll never be that way with anyone else.  One of the first steps to being open is always telling yourself the truth, especially the hard stuff.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Can Change My Destiny? I Think I Lost The Directions!

Day one of my cleanse, not perfect but not too bad.  My little Valentina is even doing it with me to a point, she is giving up refined sugar and wheat, I told her that she still needs dairy at her age.  Also, she's not ready to give up TV (she's only nine).

So, I talked to my sister tonight who is doing the cleanse with me too, which is helpful.  At least I have someone who is following it with me.  Here's a great by product of the cleanse for me, since I could only blog or talk on the phone, I am in bed by 9:30.  I'm sure my body doesn't know what to think, actually getting to sleep before 11:00.   

I keep reading uplifting quotes about how I need to change my way of thinking so that I can change my attitude.  Seems so easy, yet so difficult.  How do I stop feeling sad about David?  He's the only thing I'm sad about, I really wish we could resolve our issue and be the close friends that we are.

I need one of our chats where he makes me laugh, which he always does when we talk.  I miss that, I miss being able to tell him about my day, my epiphany's and hearing about his day.  I loved ending my day after talking with him, I almost always smiled.

I know life is about change, I just never thought I wouldn't have that with him, we are so close.  I don't know how to handle not having him in my life, I miss him; I wonder if he misses me too?  I'm also so worried about his son Chris, I don't even know how he is and that makes me very sad.

My leg is still infected and I'm sure it will be for sometime, I'm hoping the specialists will finally see this infection is not going away and needs more than just pills that may clear the issue but it never completely heals.

I want to start running and this leg is hindering that, I'm not even supposed to be walking on it but I do have to work. So I'm resting it as often as possible.  If I can just get it to a more healthy spot then I can finally start running.  I'm not giving up on that idea, I'm going to make it happen.

 "Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Point Is To Be Happy

I have to laugh or at least chuckle when I get an ah ha moment, sometimes when they happen, I wonder what took me so long?  This week I have been getting small ah ha moments and then I got a big one last night.  I have been wanting some answers so that I could grow, move on, become a better me.  I finally asked my questions, not really expecting the answer that I wanted. 

The answer came, it was short, to the point... kind of disappointing that there wasn't more of an explanation.   Sometimes we have to take it for what it was and just move ahead.  Staying where I am is not conducive to my happiness and I really like being happy.  I love the feeling, smiling, excited; I don't want to lose that feeling, so I have to progress.

I have this need to not regret a decision so I stay in a spot longer than I should.  The big answer came, I can't hold on to the past, it's time to go on.  I really learned a lesson though, I have always wanted my life to go a certain way.... I now realize it was always meant to be another way.  I fought against it for most of my life because I refused to realize that what I really needed was to be happy with myself. 

I am now, happy with myself... why I took so long I will never know.  I always felt like I needed someone to complete me, when no one can do that for us.  Only we can do that for ourselves.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

The Whole Picture

Tomorrow's my birthday and truthfully I wish I was spending it with someone special, only one person could fulfill that wish and he's too far away... for now...  Most people don't like their birthdays as it means we're getting older.  I actually have started enjoying mine more as each year reminds me of how important and fleeting life is, it makes me sit back, reflect and appreciate where I'm at in my life.

I've come so far, much further than I ever though I could.  Which makes me know that anything and I do mean anything is possible.  If I can overcome all the negative thing in my past (and there have been many things), anything is possible.  I don't say that easily, I know there are many people who have had to and are now dealing with things that seem unbearable.  I'm not making light of those things.

I'm just saying that life has thrown me some major curves, the kind that would break most people, life can bend me and twist me but it'll never break me. Everyone says I'm strong, especially my David and although sometimes I don't want to be strong, I'm ultimately grateful that I am. 

There has to come a time in everyone's life when we decide that no matter what happens, we're not giving up.  That time for me is now, I see the big picture, not the small one that is here right now.  The long term big picture where life is sweeter than anything I've ever dreamed.   It's available to all of us, we just have to believe and hold on because life is meant to enjoy and have joy.

 I had another set back tonight, I could have literally fallen apart but nothing is written in stone, things could change, the future hasn't been written yet. I refuse to allow myself to be sad just because life throws me a curve.  I won't just survive this, I will thrive and become stronger.

At this rate, with all my set backs, disappointments... I should be the strongest person ever.  All I can say is wow... one day I will look back on all of this and smile... there is a reason.   I even think I know the reason, which makes this set back easier... not simple, just easier.  I can see the whole picture, which makes it easier to stay on track and not let go... just because.....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield