If Nothing Ever Changed, There'd Be No Butterflies

I have had a very busy week, hence why I haven't been writing... work has been busy for me, the good thing is... is that I finally have approval to work from home, now the paperwork starts... I am going in really early Monday to see if I can get all the forms filled out... I have been on the site and it says it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. So... getting the forms filled out is extremely important, along with that I still have some work left at home to be ready. Before I have anything from work placed in my office, I will take a picture and share it here... afterwards I cannot due to extremely sensitive information. I even have a lock on my office, I will be treating my work like work and leaving it at the end of the day. 

 

School will be starting soon for Valentina,  a little over two weeks... another thing I have to get ready for. She has decided to change her school this year, it is closer to home... where she will be able to walk back and forth most days unless there is inclement weather. As well, she will be able to come home for lunch... so I plan to take my lunch at the same time so that I can spend more time with her... I think this is going to be good for both of us as the past 8 years of traveling has taken a great deal of time from us... and I think teenagers need their parents more than they realize. 

In the past nearly two weeks since I have written... I have had many thoughts about what I wanted/needed to write... some incidents have come up reminding of me feelings I haven't really dealt with since I was not capable at the time... often I think it is best to put issues aside until I am stronger and with time answers often come up to help me make better decisions.  However; as you know bringing up emotions you haven't dealt with are still not easy... even when you are aware that life probably turned out for the best... accepting that isn't as simple as people want to portray it though. 

It's like dealing with my being raped, I have forgiven my ex and moved forward but it's not say that there are not days that it comes flooding back into my mind ... for the most part, I have become stronger... but it changed me in ways that people can't see... It made me much more empathetic to women who have had to deal with what I did in my marriage, I know that life isn't black and white... there are no easy answers. Of course looking back I can see all the signs that lead up to the emotional abuse in my marriage and how it ultimately lead to being raped...

I am not saying I brought that on me in anyway... I am saying that hindsight is twenty/twenty... I have been talking about this with a friend and she and I discussed how both of us were not able to see the men we married for what they really were... until much too late. However; both of us learned a great deal, it is exactly like Maya Angelou says 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' ... I know we should look for the good in others but that doesn't mean you have to let them in your life.

I have learned over time that I need to look after myself first or I will not be any good to anyone else... As well, if I respect my boundaries, people for the most part will respect them too. I believe that when I honor myself and know that I deserve to be treated with total respect, that is what I will get in return... Is that easy?  No, many life experiences alter us but if we can learn to respect ourselves that is where I think we can grow the most... besides if we never changed, there would be no butterflies...

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Walking That Fine Line

My Valentina is getting to that age where she is wanting a little freedom, I am trying to be a responsible parent and give a little.  I cannot shelter her for the rest of her life like I want to, I can't make all her decisions for her, just so she doesn't have to live with bad choices.  The teenage years are looming quickly, I am not looking forward to them... they were scary enough with Andrea, with Valentina I worry she is too trusting and soft hearted. 

She came to me tonight and asked if she could go to a sleep over to a girl she barely knows, I told her I would think about it because I like time to prepare my answer.  I am not ready for that type of night out yet, if I knew the girl and her family I might be inclined to think differently... however; I am very protective of Valentina and Cindy is even more so.

I do have to give her a little lee way with some choices she wants to make, clothing, make up and nail polish... all of these are not life threatening, so I don't waste anytime arguing about these choices.  I am sure she will learn as she goes along about some of her choices and she will then make new and better ones.  She won't be super happy with me about this decision but I do think this is an important battle, I have to protect her, especially since she is still so young.

Being a mama is rewarding and difficult at the same time... I wouldn't change having either of my daughters, I have been extremely blessed.  Besides Andrea told me that I should put my foot down early and not let Valentina get away with what she did.  I tend to agree but then again Andrea turned out pretty great and she can think for herself and make very good choices.  Of course Valentina is a lot younger in her maturity than Andrea was at the same age. Two very different children, each with their own challenges and each with their own rewards.

I am trying to walk that fine line where I don't push Valentina away but that I don't smother her either.  That's the toughest line to walk, also, it is not the most popular line to walk.  One of the things I do expect from Valentina that I didn't stress enough for Andrea is a little respect... I understand frustration as I get that way myself but I don't want anyone, least of all my children disrespecting me.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Aftermath Of Rape

I purposefully decided not to write about this on it's five year anniversary, I wanted to take some time to think about it and reflect on how far I have come and I also thought about the path I took to get here, where I am today.  So, April 13, 2013 was the five year mark of my being raped by Andrey, I rarely think about it and it only came back to me on that date.   Of course I remembered it in detail, I remember that Valentina was just one room away sleeping and I didn't want her to wake up and see that, so I didn't fight back as hard as I wanted to...

Rape is demoralizing and there are no real words to explain what it does to a woman or person it has happened to... I knew of people this had happened to, I thought I understood, I didn't though.  It was probably one of the worst days I have ever had in my life, especially when it comes from a person you once had feelings for, you end up despising them for a while... then you either come to terms with it and  move on or you hold on to it and become bitter... I chose to move on...

However, I took the long road there, for the first year I was tested regularly to make sure I didn't catch some sexual disease because at that point Andrey was sleeping with just about anybody... thankfully I was given a clean bill of health.. I spent the first year basically trying not to think about it or let it affect me, I told my doctor and a few very close friends...

Almost one year to the date, Andrey was going down hill emotionally and he was pushing to move back in with me, this was NOT going to happen... I had Cindy be with me the night he showed up trying to bully me and when he threatened to harm us, she called the police and that set the next few years of my life into complete chaos for me.  Andrey was put into jail and he had to stand trial for the rape and the threats.  It was about this time that I thought it might be a good time for me to start dating, believe me, I seriously wonder what I was thinking.

Anyhow, since I had not dealt with the rape and I was dating, I ended up not respecting myself because I was starting to deal with the emotions through counseling that was provided for me.  I went through a phase where I saw quite a few guys and I was promiscuous, apparently this is normal for some women who were raped... I didn't think it was appropriate at all but I had so little self esteem that I didn't care at the time.  Finally I started getting myself together and I had started respecting myself again, this is when my David came back into my life again. 

We had spoke on Facebook off and on for four years and when I was going through the trial, David and I were talking then, he knew... he was wonderful about it, very kind and caring.  Somewhere a long the line David shut his Facebook down for a bit and I lost contact with him, anyhow he reactivated and that was when we really started to talk seriously and I divulged to him the way I had lived for a while.  He was very understanding, not the least bit judgmental... it was what I needed the most, I needed validation that I had done nothing to deserve being raped.

Nor was a bad person for making the mistakes I made on my path to getting myself better.  I totally respect myself now, I won't allow myself to act that way... it's because I am stronger emotionally, some from the counseling, some from my friends, some from blogging (this one helped me a lot).  My David told me that I am not my past, it was just a path a took, now that I respect myself, I won't accept anything less than the best. 

I love this quote by Maya Angelou

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥