One Moment At A Time

I am not one to make resolutions for the New Year, as I find that most times it is just a set up for failure.  I do believe in setting goals, I just don't like doing it at a set time... for me, I just have to do it when I am ready, the day doesn't really matter.  I actually find the more I think of making a change in my life, the more I find excuses not to...

I have had plenty of challenging years but truthfully who has not? No one has an easy or perfect life, it just doesn't exist. As much as we get upset about the trials we encounter, they have the ability to make us better, stronger more empathetic. Believe me when I say that many challenges make absolutely no sense and actually leaves us wondering why we would have to deal with it. However; given time, I usually have come to understand why. 

When Andrey raped me over 8 years ago, I crawled into a shell, I lost my voice... but then I started writing to get it back... I made questionable choices because of the emotional pain I was going through. I am not going to say that I am happy I was raped but I gained a strength I was not aware that I had and I gained an empathy for other people that went through this and other tragedies.  

I have been reflecting on the insanity of this past year, wondering what I need to learn from it, the answers don't always come instantly, sometimes they take a great deal of time. I do know that I ended the year on brighter note, I had a lovely Christmas and I am feeling so relaxed now that I am working at home...  I do have a goal which is an ongoing one, I want to be healthy again... I believe that I was given the opportunity to work at home so that I would have the time to work on regaining my health, for this, I am incredibly grateful.

I feel like the last year of my life had me going backwards with my health, I miss how physically fit I was. I read the first quote by Tony Robbins where he said that making a decision in a moment can change the course of our lives... It had me thinking about the many times in my life where I was standing on the edge of change, questioning if I would be able to leap off and trust that I wouldn't fail. Often I looked over the edge and come up with excuses why leaping might not be the best thing to do... Ultimately, I made the decision to go with it, it was only then that I understood it was never as hard as I believed it would be... which makes me question why I keep holding myself back... 

 

The main thing I want to take away from my trials throughout the years is that no matter how difficult they may be, I am strong enough to handle them. I need to remember that while I am right in the middle of a challenge, there is always a way through. Nothing is permanent. Life is so much shorter than we truly know, with the passing years I have come to appreciate the moment I am in... As all we have is one moment at a time... 

I want to wish all my blog friends throughout the world a very Happy New Year, I hope it brings love, joy and gratitude ...💗💗💗

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I Am Open To Love

I had a busy week like everyone else... it seems like time flies by quicker and quicker, first and foremost I am almost feeling 100% physically except for the feeling of having NO stamina. It feels like when I first started losing weight, I started out with 10-15 minute walks... I do have better speed than when I first began but I'm so far behind where I used to be. It's frustrating, however; I also know what I am capable of so all I have to do is start again... now if the weather would cooperate.

I have had one of those reflecting weeks, due to the fact that there were a numerous amount of blogs that I read that seemed to be about one theme... apparently something I needed to hear.  You know when you keep hearing the same thing, idea or thought... which then makes you question it? At first I didn't think much about it, however; the next one would come along, then another... by the fourth one I was no longer ignoring the message, I was thinking about it... 

It was about letting love into my life again, all I kept thinking was why? I even commented that I honestly didn't think love was worth it ultimately, at least not for me... I remember before 'him' I had been opened to love even though I had been hurt many times... I still believed it was possible. Then when it looked like everything was working out with us, I kept thinking this is why I had to go through all those bad relationships... It had all made sense... But when he and I didn't work out... I couldn't get to the point that I thought love was worth it again... 

How could it be? I would have to make sense of us not working out... and nothing made sense. It was then that I decided not to open up to anyone else, I still had him as a friend... I reasoned that was enough... at least I wouldn't have to be hurt again. Then the unthinkable happened, we stopped being friends... almost overnight. I questioned everything and I closed myself off then and there... I didn't even realize that I had done it, not right away... but as time went on, I understood that I did it to protect myself. I could not see how I would ever be able to handle another heart break... 

After a year or so, I thought I was ready to date... I went out with a few guys... no one special by any means, all very forgettable... I wasn't about to open up and give my heart to anyone and so I used the excuse that I was unable to meet anyone that I could feel excited about so I closed down even more. I had the right didn't I? I believed I did. Hadn't I been hurt even more than I thought possible? Why would I ever want to give anyone the chance to do that to me again?

I wrote about how I knew my worth and truthfully I do... also about how I thought I was ready to love again... deep down I didn't believe that, in my heart I knew I was unable to open it... I had been hurt many times in my life but that last one was so much more worse than I ever thought possible.... What I read this week reminded me that of course I am not the only one who has suffered heart ache, nor the only one who has been lied to... or betrayed. Knowing this I was aware that I could no longer use this as an excuse not to be open to love... 

I'm not looking for it but I'm not closing off to it either... I understand it may not happen and honestly I am okay either way... but I will be open to love... who knows...

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Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 

I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 

I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
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