The Point Is That I'm Worth It

Although I am not looking forward to going through my operation... I do remember the pain involved and that was many, many years ago... I think the last time I had this surgery, I might have been twelve and it took me the whole summer vacation, eight weeks to heal.  I am hoping it doesn't take any longer at this age.  I am really grateful that I finally have the opportunity to have my leg really heal. That will be awesome, I can hardly wait to start exercising and although I may have to take it slow to begin with, I plan to push myself farther than I ever thought I could go.

I have a goal in mind and for this goal to happen... it means I have to decide if I am worth it?  I have decided that I am more than worth it... no more excuses.  This time off is going to be good for me, it's going to be difficult too... I will be on my own a lot, lots of time to think.  I am going to set aside time for exercise once I am clear to do from the doctor... I still have that goal of running a 5K by the end of this year, a friend of mine is going to do it with me and I am going to go zip lining in the summer with another friend from work.

Here is something I want to do in the next year is go to a concert, believe it or not, I have never gone to one.  I didn't have the money to go to things like that when I was younger and then just as I was getting to that time in life where I could do this, I had my beautiful Valentina and of course she became my priority.  She's getting older though and it is time for me to fulfill a few of those items on my bucket list.  Now I just have to find someone that I would like to see in concert...

2013 is looking promising, I finally have some goals, I can see that I am not going to be sad all the time for the rest of my life.  For a long time, I couldn't see that... I am thankful that I am getting focused again.  I am not wasting anymore time.  I am also going to stop letting people frustrate me, I have let that go on for far too long. 

You know something I have learned about myself this year?  I sometimes don't see people for who they really are especially when I am close to them... I see them the way I want to see them.  Lately I am really paying attention to how and what someone says to me.  It is interesting how contradictory people can be... I guess this has frustrated me in the past because I am open and I don't understand saying one thing and doing another.

I suppose everyone has their own way of dealing with their past or their trials and I don't judge them in anyway for that, I guess I have to decide what is really important to me.  I don't believe in blaming my past for my present, I don't believe in holding anger against another person and most of all I don't believe in saying poor me.  Every last one of us has trials, some from our own poor decisions and others out of our control.  I feel that I have the right to be sad when dealing with difficulties but I don't believe in allowing them to take me over.

I lost my focus and I forgot my worth, 2013 is the year I found it again... I won't ever forget again.  I hope everyone remembers their worth too...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Setting Small Goals

I have to say I honestly do not miss TV, I thought that it was going to be so challenging and difficult.  Maybe it's because there are only repeats on but I'm really not even thinking about what I might be missing.  I think I could go without the TV, not so sure my little Valentina could do without it, I think it would be great for her as most of the shows she watches are really mindless.  However; that will be her decision, mine is to just have her cut back, which she is doing.

One week into the cleanse and I am really grateful, it's not easy but I know that it will help to center me, I really need that, I was so very lost for the last month.  I was sure that I could not take another let down, I had dealt with too much.  Now that I am one week into this, my focus is a bit more clear, I am not saying life is beyond wonderful at the moment but it is better.  I don't feel like crying every other second.

My leg has not and is not healing, I see the specialist on September the 4th, with Cindy (my sitter and good friend).   I need someone there who will make the doctor see that it is NOT good, the last time he looked at it he said, that looks good... REALLY???  I do not want to see what he thinks looks bad!  That must be beyond horrible.  Anyhow, I do think somethings will be set in motion and finally I will have a plan to have my leg looked after.

Either way, I will be ready to start to run, probably a lot of walking to begin with, we all have to start somewhere.  I am really super excited about finally starting.  Probably just another week... then I will be unstoppable.  I am not even going to run to lose weight, it might be a by product, I just want to feel strong and healthy, that is my goal.

I am praying so much for my "D's" son Chris, I worry non stop about David and his son.  Especially since my "D" is so far away from him and he's not able to get home right now.  In this moment all of his emotions and attention are on Chris as it should be.  I will double my efforts with prayer, he really needs some good news, he's lost his faith a little.  I don't want him to feel as if all he's had are non stop trials, something good has to happen for him soon.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Finding A Way To Release Stress

Friday was a bit better, I only became weepy a few times throughout the day, until I went to bed.  Than I sobbed for almost a half hour but I finally fell asleep.  Work kept me busy for a great deal of the day.  Thank goodness, I needed the diversion; I just wish work wasn't so stressful, I need one part of my life that is calm.

I felt like screaming yesterday and today, at the top of my lungs. I want to go into a forest or climb a mountain just so I could scream.  Instead I held it in, it's probably why I ended up sobbing last night.  My body and soul needs to release all my pent up emotions.

I just think I need to run, that would help me to get rid of some tension.  I really hope my leg is healed enough soon so that I can finally start.  I'm really looking forward to it, I think it will be a great time for me to just be with me.  When I am running, I will only be able to focus on my running and my breathing.  

I really miss living downtown Halifax, even though I don't live that far away from it (maybe 15 minute drive - hour walk).  It's still difficult when I don't drive, I want to join a yoga class and everyone of them are way out of my way.  I either need to find someone to go with or I will have to look into taking lessons on line.  I would prefer to go into a group atmosphere as I am held way more accountable.  Maybe I can find a couple of people to come to my house and take it on line with me.  I am going to check with my friends.

Have a great day everyone, I am going out to enjoy the sun!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I'm Going On A Journey

Today I thought I need to change some things in my life, some big things, some small things.  This got me thinking how I need to go on a journey, one of myself. I have decided that dating is off the table for me for at least one year.  One year of not even thinking about it, not trying to engage in it.  I am just going to be with myself this year.  I am going to get to know myself better in that I am going to try to figure out what makes me, me? 

I'm going back to the beginning, the first memories I had with my mom, then onward through the years of Ruth.... I want to see if I can find the moment in my past that I felt I didn't deserve to be loved?  When did that happen?  It certainly shaped me, allowed me to accept less as I felt I only deserved less. 

I am hoping this journey will finally give me a small understanding as why I have accepted so little and expected even less.  I am thankful my oldest Andrea did not take on that weakness of mine, I am hoping Valentina will not, this time I am taking the time to really figure out why I behave the way that I do.

I know I have overcome a lot of challenges in my life and became better because of them but there are weaknesses inside of me that I really want to change and I think I won't be able to make those changes until I can figure out what it is that had me thinking so little of myself.

Along this journey, I have also decided to finally do something about my weight, first I am going to look into getting into a running club, I am just going to make the time.  I think it will be therapeutic for me and it will help me to feel stronger so I can start doing even more things I thought I would or could never do.

My eating habits have become lazy lately... really unbearable for me when I was eating so very healthy for 6 months and then I just let it go.  So now I am thinking of doing a 30 day cleanse again.  I am also going to get into a yoga class to teach myself to breathe, this next year I am taking care of myself.

I have chosen Monday August the 6th as the day I start.  I will have time to research the yoga and running club places and I will be able to get my kitchen ready.  I am going to measure and weigh myself and I will start keeping up with this on a weekly basis.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield