For anyone who isn't friends with me on my Facebook, I finally got the approval to work from home. I am really happy as I am sure you are all aware... we have had decent weather until this weekend... so, I was approved just in time before the winter started. I took this weekend to set everything up and verify it works properly. Down the road, I will be supplied the proper equipment from work, for now, I will make due with what I have... My friend is taking me over to the office some night this week so that I can retrieve my binders and personal items.
I changed my alarm clock right away, I am looking forward to an additional hour and a half of sleep... then I am making breakfast for Valentina. This has been the first weekend in a while that I have been so relaxed... I completed all the little projects I needed to do... in the past, I felt rushed trying to do everything I had to do and still get some downtime. I don't feel stressed about the long commute... once I got home on Friday, I realized how tense I was every morning and night... knowing I had the long trip. I suddenly felt at ease.
It's funny what I pushed myself to do, then when it changed, I realized through the transition that I was tense with having to force myself out daily. I also made plans with some friends to visit them... I know I will need to get out as people were concerned that with working at home I wouldn't get out. However; I think I will actually get out more and visit, hang with my friends. I have actually felt cut off from my friends due to being exhausted by the time I got home from work.
I am sure I mentioned that I literally had a three hour plus commute per day, I am excited to have that time back to do more meaningful activities. I am considering joining the gym with the pool again, I would have time to enjoy it. I found I missed swimming after I spent the summer going to the lake with my friend. I am thinking it will be a good way get back into exercising without putting too much stress on my knees and back.
My mood changed drastically this past weekend, I am feeling like I have more opportunities opened to me. I also changed departments at work .. I am excited to be in a new position. It's nice to have a few good things happen to me all at once... I have hope that the transitions will put me on the path I've been working towards. I am even looking forward to the Christmas holidays, it has been a long time since I felt good about it... I've invited some people for dinner as noone should be alone this time of the year.
I am going to purchace a bike this Spring, I have decided that this year is the one that I get back into living a healthy life. No more excuses, now that I have the time and means to achieve my goals... eventually I want to get back into walking, once I strengthen myself with swimming and biking. It's time for me to get back on the healthy track and do something for myself... Finally
Today I thought I need to change some things in my life, some big things, some small things. This got me thinking how I need to go on a journey, one of myself. I have decided that dating is off the table for me for at least one year. One year of not even thinking about it, not trying to engage in it. I am just going to be with myself this year. I am going to get to know myself better in that I am going to try to figure out what makes me, me?
I'm going back to the beginning, the first memories I had with my mom, then onward through the years of Ruth.... I want to see if I can find the moment in my past that I felt I didn't deserve to be loved? When did that happen? It certainly shaped me, allowed me to accept less as I felt I only deserved less.
I am hoping this journey will finally give me a small understanding as why I have accepted so little and expected even less. I am thankful my oldest Andrea did not take on that weakness of mine, I am hoping Valentina will not, this time I am taking the time to really figure out why I behave the way that I do.
I know I have overcome a lot of challenges in my life and became better because of them but there are weaknesses inside of me that I really want to change and I think I won't be able to make those changes until I can figure out what it is that had me thinking so little of myself.
Along this journey, I have also decided to finally do something about my weight, first I am going to look into getting into a running club, I am just going to make the time. I think it will be therapeutic for me and it will help me to feel stronger so I can start doing even more things I thought I would or could never do.
My eating habits have become lazy lately... really unbearable for me when I was eating so very healthy for 6 months and then I just let it go. So now I am thinking of doing a 30 day cleanse again. I am also going to get into a yoga class to teach myself to breathe, this next year I am taking care of myself.
I have chosen Monday August the 6th as the day I start. I will have time to research the yoga and running club places and I will be able to get my kitchen ready. I am going to measure and weigh myself and I will start keeping up with this on a weekly basis.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is." ~Jim Morrison
I love this quote, it is exactly what a friend is to me, I do not try to change my friends to be what I want them to be, I accept and love them for who they are. I have had many "friends" over the years but until I had reconnected with David, I didn't realize that I didn't have a friend who just loved me for me. He wasn't out to change me, he wasn't trying to make me see his way. Also, I just read a blog from Mastin Kipp, "The Daily Love" and he stated what I truly believe, I don't love people for what they can give me, I love them for who they are. I will love David no matter where life takes me, I don't have limits on our relationship. I won't stop loving him just because he might not love me that way.
As painful at it can sometimes be, not having someone love you the way you want... it is so much better to have them in your life than not. I wish everyone could understand and feel the love of someone who loves you for who you are, truly loves you for who you are and not for what you give them. I am close to 49 years of age and I finally experienced that kind of love and it has been the most amazing love I have ever had in my life. I am not saying by any means that it is easy, it's not but I couldn't or wouldn't want to imagine my life without him in it.
When I need someone to be real with me, honest and open, I turn to him. I don't want someone that will judge me and I don't want someone who will just agree with me. Last week when I was going through a particularly rough time with work, people were telling me their take on it, they weren't really listening to me. They thought I was afraid, I am not... I am just not interested, when I talked to David, he saw through it and realized, no... I am not afraid, I am just not interested. He got it right away, I didn't have to explain myself.
Then he told me the truth, there is no easy answer, it was either make them understand, do what they ask or find something else I love. There is no simple answer there, there is only truth. Someone else could tell me the same thing and people did but until he said it because it came from the heart, I didn't listen. All we really want in the life is to be heard, to be understood and to be loved.
I will love David no matter what, my feelings don't stop just because his are not equal to mine. I love him for him as I love all my friends. I love them for who they are and I want people to know that if they come to me from their heart, I will listen... if they are not trying to change me but just love me, I will listen. I will do the same for them.
I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about this post, I have had many wonderful friends in my life and I still do but I've never felt this safe with anyone in my life. I am not afraid to be me, completely and fully. I want nothing more than to be just myself with him. I don't think.. should I say this? or should I say that? I am just me. It's the only way I know how to be with him, anything less would mean I was a fake.
"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." ~ Nate Kay
We're not perfect. We laugh too hard. We are way too loud & we are such dorks. But doing it together is what makes us best friends forever♥
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
Do you remember a time when you were really happy? You know a time where you smiled on the inside and out. It's been a long time for me. I have had some really happy moments lately but I haven't had that insane happiness. The ones I had with David through the two months of November and December in 2011. I had the most amazing holidays, I'll never forget how happy and wonderful it was. In my heart it's real <3
I love that you love me, I love that you are to there to catch me but most of all I love that you're my best friend.
I had a dream come true, my fairy tale love , my one and only. He's everything I've always wanted and now it's so hard that we are apart. Every other day I think I can't do this, I can't be only friends, I can't be without him. My emotions are on a roller coaster, I try so hard to keep myself together. I don't want to make it harder on him or on myself. I know that even if I do make it hard on him, he will be there for me no matter what. We are best friends, we are soul mates.
Yet if I really love him, I have to let him go. As painful as that will be, it is the right thing to do. Because I love him I want him to be happy, my love letter to you, even though I know I would/could make him insanely happy; he has to want that from me. No one on this earth or anywhere else will ever love him as much as I do. I am willing to let him go but we will always be best friends. Whenever I need him, he will be there and whenever he needs me, I will be there.
The truth is that no one knows what the future and the eternities hold, I have faith that everything will be as it should be.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I met him in ninth period Biology when I was 15 years old, in grade 10. I was awkward and shy, afraid of my own shadow. He was sitting behind me, he said something, I turned around and he smiled that beautiful smile of his and I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes.
I was instantly smitten, he talked to me and really seemed genuinely interested. He was so kind and funny, I crushed so hard on him. I even wrote love notes which I put in his locker anonymously. I was so geeky, lol.
I finally came clean and told him it was me. He smiled, we became friends, I used to call him at night and talk for hours, I always laughed so hard with him. I even went to his church to be near him.
That summer after grade 10 saw me going to another school. I never forgot him though, I wondered about him often. My life took a path where I became a single mom at 18. One day I was walking to Sears by Mumford, a guy was walking towards me, it was him;).
He instantly remembered me and stopped to talk to me, I was full of butterflies. His smile was as beautiful as always. Not too long after that a girl I grew up with was going to a house party, she said you will never believe who is going to be there. I said who? She said him.
I almost jumped out of my skin, I begged her to see if I could go, she said no problem. The night came for the party, I was so nervous. I got there, he was in the kitchen. He smiled at me and talked to me like old times. He started dancing with all the girls in the room and he by passed me, I was sad but he came back to me after he danced with everyone else and then he said, I was saving the best for last.
I truly melted and waltzed with him, I felt so complete being in his arms. Fate had stepped in our path again, though he was seeing someone and it was almost 7 years later before I was to see him again. This time the Sears delivery buzzed with a package, I opened the door and all I could see was how beautiful this man's body was.
All of a sudden, I heard my name, I looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes and it was him, he flashed me a smile that was amazing as usual. I'm sure I turned every shade of pink and red. We talked for a few minutes, then he was gone.
I would not hear from him again until I was 45 when I looked him up on Facebook. I was nervous that one he would not remember me or two that he would and wouldn't want to talk to me. I was wrong on both accounts.
He did remember me and we chatted off and on for three years on Facebook. I always enjoyed our conversations. He was with someone, I was just happy to be friends. Then last summer (2011). I noticed he had left New Brunswick and was on his way out West.
He started talking to me whenever he was on, we talked like old times. It seemed he had been hurt in his previous relationship but he was still upbeat with me. He told me he loved how happy and positive I was, he wanted to know how and why I felt like that. He wanted to feel the same way.
He asked me if I had a secret, I said yes;). He said do tell, I laughed and said it would take too long to type. He asked me if I was a tease? I laughed and said I can be. That flirt changed everything. We talked for hours every night, we couldn't get enough of each other.
I told him one night that I deserved him because I deserved the best, he stopped me and said, "Did you ever think it was me that deserved you?" I cried, no man had ever made me feel that special. All of this coming from the sweet boy I never forgot.
We made plans for him to come home for a visit, we thought it wouldn't be for months. I was on the bus one night and I thought wouldn't it be amazing to have him home for New Year's. I got home, he messaged me to say he might be home for New Year's, he wanted to spend it with me and he wanted to wake up with me and start the new year off right.
About a week later, I thought I wish he could be home for Christmas, I came home, he messaged me that he was almost positive he would be home for the Christmas holidays, I cried, my dream was coming true. He said I want to spend the holidays with the girl who held me in a piece of her heart all these years.
We were both crazy with anticipation, I had to work and couldn't meet him at the airport. It was better that way, he fulfilled another fantasy of mine, he showed up at my work with a dozen red roses and told the receptionist that he was my soldier boy from out West.
I was so high on happiness, I hugged him and it felt so amazing to be held by him. He came by to pick me up after work, I got in the car and smiled and giggled. He was going to start driving, I said wait, I got on my knees on the car seat and leaned over to kiss him.
That kiss was better than any imagined kiss I'd ever had about him. I had butterflies and my belly did flip flops. We both sighed, it was a long time coming. I felt complete, we were so close, so happy and so at ease with each other.
The holidays were amazing, he helped me to slow down and enjoy it all. Sometimes we rush too much and miss the joy we could have. We just enjoyed holding hands, walking arm in arm, driving around looking at Christmas lights, talking endlessly.
Waking up with him in my arms was magic, although I'm complete without him, I felt so fulfilled being with him. He saw the best in me, we are soul mates. He knows every crazy thing there is know about me and he still thinks I'm amazingly wonderful, he called me his special girl.
He told me to listen to the song Far Away by Nickleback, I think of him whenever I hear that song, that is our song, he said it was to apologize for making me wait for him for so long. I crushed on him in high school, I fell in love with him when I was an adult woman. No one in my whole life has made me feel I was so worthy, so lovable and so wanted... no one has ever made me feel that safe.
Whatever happens in the future we will be close, we love each other as best friends and no one can come between us. He's the man I can tell all my inner secrets to and I have told him all of them. I am his soft place to fall, whenever he needs me, I'll be there for him, always.
We transcend love, we were meant to be soul mates, we were destined. Our path proved that, we were never too far from each other. He thought about me over the years and he was the boy I could never forget.
Because he's always been so honest, I can believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful and amazing. He's not a liar. I feel so blessed to have him in my life and he feels the same way.
I will never give up on him, our paths are destined to be intertwined for the rest of our lives and maybe forever. No one knows what the future holds.
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