Always All Or Nothing With Me

 

I have been so emotional with all the changes in my life, I apologize... I don't like my blog sounding depressing but I know of no other way to be than honest... if I didn't put it out there it would be inside me tearing me up. Unfortunately it comes out with all my emotions over flowing... I have never been good at hiding how I feel.  I know people that put on a smile and you would never know what is going on in their head, that is not me... I cry when I am sad and it is not a pretty cry.... I laugh out loud when I think something is funny and I love with every piece of my heart.

There is no half way mark with me, I just let it out.  I have tried to hold back tears, laughter and love... I have never been successful at any of these.  My emotions are right at the surface, always one step away from being outside.  Believe me, I have tried to bury them, especially the sadness... If I manage to be the least bit successful... I find out that I haven't been... it just means it comes out with more emotions that than become even more overwhelming.

I know I can be a little hard to deal with when I am sad, some people want to tell me how lucky I am, others feel for me and they don't know what to say... Mostly I just have to get it out, tears and all... than I feel better for a while.  What I really want to learn how to do is let it out a little at a time, instead of ending up having a melt down.  I don't know why it is always all or nothing with me... I have never been a girl that gives part of myself in anything.  Especially when it comes to love... It takes a lot for me to love someone but once I do, I love them for my life...

When I have to let that go, it breaks me inside... I loved one man when I was 23 and I loved him for nearly 23 years... I finally stopped loving him when I told him Andrey raped me and he asked me what did I expect?  I have never looked back and we were close... very close.  Not as close as my David and me and David would never have said anything like that to me...  Once I love someone, they really have to hurt me for me to stop loving them...

I am at crossroads where it is fast becoming all or nothing again with me.... the question is... am I willing to accept nothing in this case since I can't have all of it...  ?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Who I Am

We gather strength from sadness and from pain Each time we die we learn to live again.~Unknown

Okay, first and foremost, I am sorry if have been down in my blog... I have been sad.  It's my outlet to be able to say how I am feeling at any given moment.  As it is I only have one person in my life who I can really say how I feel and he has been super busy with his job and course.  I would say this to other people but I feel judged and I say this because anytime I am sad and I say that, people want to strongly remind me of how blessed I am.

I wish that everyone knew, really knew that I am extremely grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, they are numerous, when I start to count them, I could go on forever.  I am lucky, very lucky~I know that.  Sure I have had a difficult life, I have overcome one challenge after another.  I also know that I have not just survived, I have thrived.

When is it okay for me to be sad and unhappy?  Is there ever a good time?  Or am I supposed to be insanely happy all the time?  I know people don't know how to deal with someone when they are sad?  I do... I understand.  I get those people, I know that sometimes life is just a little bit too much.  That happens, if it didn't a person is not being real and I really want a person to be real with me.  It's all wonderful for them to be super happy and upbeat and I think that is awesome but I want to be able to just say how I feel whenever.  That is me... Since I am almost 49, getting close to 50, my take on this is like me as I am or don't.  I am not trying to have everyone like me, life is not a popularity contest, I am not going to be fake or phony.  I will always be me.

I spent my whole life trying to be whatever other people wanted me to be, no longer will I do this.  First, I had to be an angel with my step mother, she would just beat us for no reason, stand us in corners or closest for hours, beat us with a belt, a wooden fence piece one time, threatened to shoot me with rifle once, kicked me... I could go on but you get the picture.   She told me I was fat when I was 12 years old and weighed 107 lbs at 5 feet 6 inches... I was a rail... she told me that when a man loved me... it wouldn't be for what I looked like, he would have to see through that and love me for who I was... nice... really nice.

I don't even want to go into my father but I will, he was there, did whatever he could to keep his children, for what????  he didn't pay one bit of attention to us to see we lived in fear, to see we were unhappy, to see we were looking for love in all the wrong places... he only cared that he looked good for keeping his children, he didn't want to see what was going on, for if he did, he would have had to leave.  He didn't want to do anything about it because he couldn't see how he could raise 3 girls on his own, so he turned a blind eye.

Next I fell in love with a man at 23 years old, he was raised in Europe where in his mind he would never be able to bring me home to his parents because I had a child out of wedlock at the age of 18, so he then married a woman he didn't even love because he could take her home to his parents.  How do I know that he didn't love her, he told me, for years.  Then when he found out that Andrey held me down against my will and raped me, he said... what did I expect?  NOT THAT....  I didn't deserve that.  That phrase and that act finally made me get over him.

Next I married Andrey, maybe because I didn't think I could do any better, I don't know.   I could analyze this all day and not come up with a good enough answer. All I can say in my defense is that he was not nearly the jerk and creep that he is now, it got worse after we were married for a year.  No, I am not saying he was a prince when we were dating, I think that I just felt so little about myself and had given up.  I finally found a way to have him taken out of my life, then he raped me...  He couldn't handle not having control over me.  Well, he no longer has any control over me; he can get over himself.

Now, I finally got my self together in the last few years, finally started thinking better of myself, knowing I deserved real and honest love.  Along came David and he made me believe it was real.  I have never been more myself with another human being in my life.  We talked every single day for months, if we couldn't talk, we texted, we emailed.... we were crazy to see each other... the time came and it was awesome, it was incredible.   I felt loved, finally... I felt loved for me.  I could see a future... it was real to me.

Then that all fell apart too... can you see why I am sad?  I try every day to be happy regardless.   I think I have a right to be sad sometimes, I think I have a right to cry.   If I didn't I wouldn't be human.   I am who I am... like me or not.  I have been through hell and back.  I know other people have had difficult lives, I understand those people, I get how they feel.  In no way do I think mine is worse than others, in no way do I think that it gives me the right to be negative and sad all the time.

I do however have the right to be sad, my long term dream is gone.   I have always wanted one thing in this life, I have wanted to be loved and cherished by a man who really got me and I thought I had that... I don't.  So, I will go on, I will find a way to be happy, it just won't be tomorrow.  Since I am a survivor, I always see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be there for me in the future.  I still have hope for that but not for love.

I have two amazing daughters, I have many things other people would love to have and I am well aware of that... I am sorry if I sound selfish because I wanted long term love and I didn't get it.  However; I will never be sorry for having had it with David, even though it was short and it didn't last.  Even though it makes me sad right now, I will look back on this as one of the most wonderful times in my life.  For once in my life, I was truly happy and really felt loved and wanted.

Anyhow, I am sorry for the long post, I just needed to say how I felt because I was feeling like people don't think I have the right to be sad... we all have that right at times.  Sad things happen to us, we just need to not let it take us over for the rest of our lives and I won't but six months is not the rest of my life.  We all need to take time to grieve for loss, think about it that way and I hope you will all understand why I will be sad off and on for the next little while.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Never Lose Hope

I honestly have no idea where I got my tenacity from... it's a great thing to have except when I don't see the results immediately and than I make myself crazy.  Mainly because I start feeling fear as soon as what I know should happen doesn't happen immediately.  I met a guy in September 2009 and almost right away I knew that I was supposed to be there for him, not in the romantic way.  I had feelings for him but I also knew that nothing lasting could come from it and I knew deep down I was just there to help him.

I know that everyone thought I was bonkers and there were times that I thought I needed to get off that wagon but no matter how hard I tried to move on, I KNEW that I was supposed to be there for him... finally in July 2011 he let me help him and I have to say it was one of the happiest times of my life.  It meant I didn't have to worry about him, I had him here so that I could make sure he was okay.  Of course everything comes full circle and he moved on when he was ready.  I wasn't even sad, I was happy for him.

I had the same feeling about Tony for so many years, he finally destroyed that when he not only didn't handle that my ex Andrey raped me but he actually asked me what I expected.   Let me say this loud and clear, I DID NOT expect to be raped, if I had expected that I would not have allowed him into my house that night.  That night changed me, made me vulnerable...  made me out of control.  I knew I had lost Tony that night but it was a year before it finally sunk in that he did not deserve for me to continue to believe.  He had abandoned me in my greatest need.  Just because he didn't feel like he could be my friend he left me to feel horrible about myself.

I somehow continue to hold onto people and ideas, usually it always works out for me, it just takes time, time where I get so close to giving up.   I never like to lose hope, when I know something should be a certain way, I never let go.  I know that there are many people who I have known throughout my life who cannot understand why I do this.  I understand where they are coming from as I sometimes wonder myself but still I don't give up.  Even though it can cause me to have a great deal of pain.  

I remember my grandmother telling me once when I was a teenager that I was very tenacious... at the time I didn't really understand what she meant but as I lived my life, other people said the same thing about me and then I researched exactly what they meant.

I read this in the dictionary and it really did fit me to a tee:

Not readily letting go of, giving up, or separated from an object that one holds, a position, or a principle: "a tenacious grip".

and

Not easily dispelled or discouraged; persisting in existence or in a course of action: "a tenacious legend".

Or in other words stubborn, lol.   I like to think of it as determined; which I am not at all sure is the best thing to be all of the time.  Yes, I do get what I want on a regular basis but boy there are times that the pain I feel is so incredible I wonder how I will survive.   Lucky for me though, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am proven it time and time again.

Life Decision

 "We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."  Walter Anderson

 Isn't it sad when a dream you've had doesn't work out the way you KNOW it should have, people do have their own free agency, I have to accept that. What did I learn from this?  There's always something to learn.

Some lessons are harder than others:/.  I learned that even when life does not go in the direction I want it to go, that cutting myself off is not the way to go. I have cut myself off in the past because the pain has been unbearable.  This time I felt it, I sobbed non stop for a full day; I wondered if I would ever be able to stop crying. 

The old me would have did any number of things to push the pain down, not healthy things either.  Although this pain that I felt was almost beyond what I thought I could handle, I went through it clear headed, sobbed, talked and finally made a decision.

I had to decide which pain was more worth it.  The pain of not having someone I want in my life and cutting them out so I could heal?  Or maintaining the relationship for what it is even if my dream is dying.  I decided that maintaining it would be more beneficial to me, although difficult; it was better then the alternative.  Also I remembered how Tony cut me out of his life because he didn't feel he could just be friends with me... the feeling was awful and I could not do this to another person that I love more than anything else next to my children.

I just needed to breathe, think and relax; getting off social media helped.  I had nothing to hide behind, nothing:/.   I had to really ponder, also I went out to visit a few people and I left my problems out of the visit.  I just stopped making it all about me, it's not all about me.  I don't want to be selfish, I want to be selfless. 

When I say selfless I don't mean that I'm not going to take care of myself, that is the only way I can be of any good to anyone else.  What I mean is that life does not revolve around just me, there's a bigger picture.

So dreams go by the wayside or maybe they just change.  The future isn't written yet.   The one thing I knew for sure was that I had to come to terms with it so that I could feel less sad.  There's hope for me yet.

I love this song, When She Danced... there is so much truth in this song in the line that says  "If you ask me to choose between a memory or two

When it's said and done, I'll take the one who's love I had to lose"

This song say all the words I feel about David:

I never thought that I could feel a love so tender

Never thought I could let those feelings show

But now my heart is on my sleeve

And this love will never leave

Blessings In Disguise

I was reading over some of my initial posts, in the beginning I thought I would write a story of my life that I have lived through letters.  But almost immediately I was more compelled to write smaller excerpts of my life.

I've been thinking that I should give a little more background story, especially since I'm going through this cleanse that is making me think a lot about the past and how I want to change my behaviors that are not good for me.  So here goes.

When I was 17 years old I found out I was pregnant, talk about scared.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  Andrea's father was not supportive in any way shape or form, he was 21.  He actually tried to deny paternity, I was so angry and I told him when I proved this child to be his, he'd be lucky if he'd ever see them again.

He changed his tune quickly but he never became the man he should, he was pretty self centered. He had already broke up with me on 2 different occasions. When I had Andrea on September 29th, 1981, he came to the hospital and begged me to take him back.  I took him back but advised him if he left me again, I would never take him back.  10 months later he left and true to my word I NEVER took him back although he begged me incessantly. I even wondered what I had ever seen in him.

So I ended up being a single mom at the very young age of 18 and I can tell you this, it was hard and it was stressful. I lived on a very tight budget but I always made sure that Andrea never did without. I wasn't always the best mom, I knew so little about how to raise a child, I was barely an adult myself. I worked on things over time and I have forgiven myself.  No need to dwell on it or live in the past. I must have did something right, otherwise Andrea would not have turned out to be as wonderful and successful as she is, I do credit a lot of that to her tenacity and determination; which she got from me.

I met the first love of my life when I was 23, Tony... I really thought he and I would be married. We lived together for 2 years and even after we were in and out of each others lives for over 23 years.  Tony just couldn't be faithful though and that would have driven me crazy.  He's married and now he is her problem. He actually disappointed me more than any other person in my life, when I told him I was raped, he asked me what I expected?  He blamed me... unbelievable, such an archaic thought pattern.

I didn't date again until Andrea was 18 and I was 37, that was Andrey, Valentina's papa...  There was a man who didn't love himself, so much self loathing that he took it out on me many times over the years. We met in October 2000, we married in May 2001.  It wasn't always awful, it became awful within a year.  Although I do have to say there were many signs now that I look back on the past.  Finally we separated on May 2004 but I continued to look after him when he was unable to do this for himself.  All of that changed the night he raped me on April 13th, 2008. He's pretty well been in jail or the hospital since that time. It's pretty sad that this is the father that Valentina has, she is a very lucky little girl though, she has many people who love and adore her and I will always be there for her.

Not long after the traumatic experience of being raped by my ex, this made me want to make many changes in my life.  I found the job I am currently in and I love it, I also found the apartment that I wanted.  Unfortunately I went down a very long dark path for nearly three years of my life. Trying so hard to cover the pain of being raped and degraded over the years. Finally, I started getting a handle on my life and my feelings.  David was sent into my life and he showed me the truth about me, I am just as amazing and wonderful as he tells me.  I needed to have him come into my life to shake my life up and remind me of my true self and inner core.

Although I have had really terrible and degrading things happen in my life, I am not defined by those incidents.  I am defined by how I rose above it all and became who I was truly meant to be. I am a very lucky girl and extremely blessed.

First Love Versus True Love

In my twenties I was sure I had fallen deeply in love, so much so that I held on to that supposed love for over 20 years in my heart.  It took that long for me to see him as he really was, he was never worthy of my love.  He proved this many years later when I went through one of the worst experiences of my life.  When I told this man that I had been raped, this man that I thought I had loved asked me what I had expected?  Like it was my fault, he acted as if I had brought it on myself. Then he ignored me, which made me feel even less than I already felt.

A couple of years later, I reconnected with David and when I divulged to him what I had went through, he was kind, understanding, loving.... never once did he blame me.  He understood exactly what I went through. What a difference, some men have been taught how to treat a woman... others have no idea.

It was hard for me to believe that I was worth being treated with respect and honesty. I had always attracted men who used me and made me feel less than I was, I know I attracted them to me, as if I had any respect or love for myself, I never would have become involved with any of those men.

I've been taking a course on line that is making me question all the stories I have believed and told myself over the years. You know the one where I'm too fat and not pretty enough, I have carried that story around for years.... I have wasted too much of my life on it. It wasn't even my story, I took it on from other people from the past and made it mine.

I no longer buy into that story, I can't believe in that as no amount of weight loss, money, or recognition will bring true happiness.  I have to believe that I am worth more and deserve more, that is what brings true happiness. My question is why would anyone want to make another human being feel less then wonderful about themselves?... especially if it was a parent or someone that supposedly loves you?

Here is what I learned and truly believe, no one can make me feel bad about myself, only me.  No one can keep me down but me, no one can love me until I learn to love myself.  When I finally learned this and began to love myself, David came along. Someone who would never ever think of doing anything but uplifting me. Isn't that what true love is?

 I put two quotes below as they made me think... for all that time I wasted thinking my so called first love was worth giving all my attention to.  I was wrong,

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second."~Johnny Depp

Being someone's first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect.<3