Change Becomes Easier With Support

I have been contemplating if change is as easy as some people say, I know that there have been times in my life where one minute I was living my life one way and then within a moment I changed and never looked back. Other times I want to flip that switch inside, only I fail over and over. I question myself as to what the difference is between my successes and my failures. For me, I think I succeed when I am no longer afraid of failure and I believe in myself.  

I have been trying to get back on track food wise and failing miserably... I wake up with good intentions and before I know it I fail. Part of me believes I cannot have success without cardio exercise and at the moment it just isn't possible. I have to come to terms with that, I need to take a step in the right direction and have confidence in myself again.  I achieved a goal I had long ago thought wasn't possible, I did it in a moment and for very long time I didn't look back... not until I injured myself and this is where I allowed failure into my life.

When I was injured, the switch I had turned on a couple of years ago was turned off, depression took over my thoughts and mind... the more pain I had the more I turned to food. The sad truth is that I am in more pain because of the weight gain...  it was difficult to exercise right after I was hurt... I lost sight of my long term goals. I gave into the short term injuries... and caused them to be worse... Sadly, I believe we all do this to a degree in our lives.

Why?  Excuses, fear, rationalization, doubt and feelings of inadequacy... Regardless of the story we tell ourselves, we either live with those choices we made or make a decision to choose better and do the work needed. Change can be easy when we commit with our whole heart, otherwise, change is difficult... but always possible. . .

As scary as it sounds and feels, the power to change anything is within us... the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Do I like admitting that to myself? No, it is easier to put the blame on other people and outside forces, however; I also know until I decide to do this for myself, I will not move forward with my health. The older that I become, the more I understand that without my health, I really don't have much.

So, I am open to ideas from everyone, I need to think outside the box... I would love to get motivated again. If I could get started with simple yoga and easy strength training ... I think it could get me started down the right path of becoming healthy again. If anyone has YouTube sites or websites that they find helpful, could you leave the links in the comments. I feel a little overwhelmed when I do searches as usually I find sites that are too complex, which means I don't stay with it. Also, maybe a group I can check in daily with to keep me accountable. Change becomes easier with support...

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The Choice To Help Or Hinder Our Progress

This weekend I accomplished another goal I had made about 5 months ago, I never spoke about it, I just decided that I was going to complete it by the Fall. I have been exercising a great deal for the past few months and walking has been my main method as I have come to enjoy it a great deal. Most of you know that I have a Fitbit that keeps track of my steps, I have even walked 10 miles through out the day once or twice. Last week I made a decision that I was going to get in at least 25,000 steps on this Saturday past. The first thing I did was buy groceries earlier in the week, I did the laundry on Friday... I made sure there would be no excuses for me to not complete this goal.

So, I not only achieved the 25,000 steps, I made it to 30,000 steps for the day... I set myself up for success by being prepared, by walking practically everyday and building up strength and by not using any excuses. It was quite a bit more than I have done previously, I had made it to 20,000 steps a few times in the past... I ended up having to walk a total of 14 miles for the day. I have to tell you, I feel great... I was sure I would not be able to walk the next day but I went right back out and walked 6 miles today beating my last time by 3 minutes from 2 weeks ago. 

I remember a few short years ago I was so unhealthy, I rarely walked more than a few blocks, I smoked, I only ate salad that was drowned in salad dressing and other veggies were an occasional occurrence. Today I regularly walk 3-6 miles per day, I don't smoke, salad dressing is a rare item and vegetables are a daily food that I love to eat. Of course I eat food that isn't always super healthy but it is within moderation and definitely not daily anymore.

I am really thankful that I had that a ha moment in May of 2013, the one that 'he' unknowingly ignited in me ... the one that got me started on a path I will be forever grateful for being on today. 'He' might have got me started on the path but it took my own strength and determination to stay there and do the hard work. To really stop looking for excuses not to do the work.... I say that because I look back to when I used to put in some effort to lose the weight over the years, invariably it wasn't about a life change, it was until I hit a certain mark. 

Whatever clicked in me that day has never left me completely. I continue to want to keep working and being my best as I never want to go back to that unhealthy girl that was sad in ways that I ate so that I didn't have to feel. Today I walk and write when the sadness shows up... both are much more conducive to reaching and maintaining my goals. Is it easy? I will never say that, the easy way would be giving up and giving into the sadness and food but I won't do that anymore. 

 

Whenever I think I don't have time or that I won't be able to accomplish it because of my age or the many other reasons I might come up with, I remind myself of the quote above that is very true, we all have the same 24 hours in the day, it is what we choose to do with them that matters. I need to work on other aspects of my life such as decluttering my home which I won't make excuses for as I prioritized other things as more important for now. Besides none of us are perfect, we are always a work in progress... forever making choices that will change us in ways that will will either help or hinder our progress. Today I choose to help my progress by making the choice to be better...

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Peace Within Chaos

I have been in a reflective mood this week... thinking about how I just want to attain some peace in my life because I was thinking for me, without peace my life is out of balance... and life without balance is chaos.

I then started looking up quotes about peace and how to attain it... I love quotes that make me feel... that is most of what I collect on my Pinterest boards. I found the quote above that resonated with me... at the same time I understood where the chaos was coming from and the importance of having chaos; but with it I also think I can have peace.  I don't want to have peace where I never get challenged to be more of who I am meant to be, for that is not a life worth living.

The question wasn't how to rid myself of chaos, it became how to have peace in the chaos. This is where I think growth really happens, especially for me... when everything seems calm and I am going along without any bumps is when I am not growing... I am just being. For me, that is not enough... I need to be continually challenging myself and that is where the chaos comes in... it challenges me to think outside of the box I am in at any given moment...

The quote below made me realize that although chaos disturbs me, it also moves me to change. With this I came to an understanding of why I had to have the chaos I had before Christmas as it was what helped me to change my life around. Although this week I was floundering around a bit, I knew that writing about it would help me to figure out what it is that I needed to get back on track.

For me to get back on track, I had to admit to myself that I cannot be in control all the time, I had to understand that giving up control doesn't mean I will fail... it means I need to trust the process and that if I try to be in control all the time, this is where I will fail and never progress... I was in a mindset this week that if I could be in control, I could have peace...

I like when a light bulb comes on with me... as I am sure most of us do... it can be tough being in the dark and wondering if I will ever see the light again... but of course we always do...  When I first started writing today I wanted to figure out how to live my life in peace without chaos but as I wrote I realized that isn't feasible with growth... for me, chaos is a necessity to achieve peace...

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I Just Have To Keep Holding On

I want to thank Janice from Fitness Cheerleader, she wrote a post about her theme song for 2014 (Keep Holding On… What is Your Theme Song for 2014?).  I am not one to pick up new music as I have so many that I love now... I own well over a 1000 songs but she talked so passionately about it that I wrote down the title and promised myself that I would listen to it the first chance I had.  That chance came tonight.

The song is Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne, I was not sure she would be a singer that I would enjoy but this song proved me wrong, she has a fan in me now.  These words are so moving and inspiring.  Today the contest started, I have been slacking for nearly a month... walking a mile here an there, eating a few extra calories.  My wake up call came when I stepped on the scale and I had gained a few pounds back... Maintaining is going to be so much harder than I even thought.

For the past month, I have come home... logged onto the computer and relaxed.  Tonight I went out and I walked for nearly two miles, I did it with an average speed of 15 and a half minutes per mile.  It felt good, really good.. I came home all sweaty and relaxed, I turned on YouTube and pulled up the song.  I have to tell you, this is my theme song for the year too, it speaks to me on so many levels.

I needed this wake up call today, for the past month I have allowed other things to get in the way of what I wanted.  There will always be excuses, there will always be people who don't believe in me, there will always be times I might not believe in myself but I cannot allow any of that to stop me from achieving my goals.  The start of the goals is to get healthy and start training for a 10K in May or June.  Achieving these goals will lead me to all the other ones I have.

I lost my way for a while, I am working my way back... I love this line in the song... There's no other way when it comes to the truth. So keep holding on... no matter what... the truth is there.  Every time we think we have buried something, the truth always shows itself... I just have to keep holding on...

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Deal With It I Will

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I just have to write a quick follow up... it is late and I haven't slept, really slept for days... still just getting an hour here and there... I just wanted to let everyone know I was feeling a little bit better.  Not awesome but definitely better.  I saw my doctor and she has given me sleeping pills which I will take a half of one later this week... I took a full one almost 4 years ago and I slept until past noon that time, so I am a little leery of taking any.  I will test it out over the weekend to make sure I can wake up in time.

Next I broke the 15 minute mile tonight, I can give a great deal of thanks to a friend who ticked me off and I went out there and walked so fast to blow some steam off. I felt like I was speeding... I have a new goal, I want to get under a 14.30 mile.  Maybe that friend can really tick me off, lol.  I am still not going to talk about what devastated me the other day, it is still there, I still have to deal with it, the reason it was so difficult for me was because I was side swiped with it... maybe if I had known anything and not just have it thrown at me the way it was I would have handled it a whole lot better... Anyhow, that is neither here nor there, regardless, I have to deal with it and deal with it I will.

I can't promise I won't be sad in the future, I can't promise I won't cry but I will get through this... not sure how, like walking that track at the gym, I am going to have to dig deep, deeper than I have ever gone before. It is not going to be easy but I have no choice.  Well, I have a choice but the second option is so much worse than even the incident... so I will get through somehow.  Ultimately people are important, incidents are just that, incidents and I can forgive...

Finally I just wanted to write a funny story, I have told you all about how competitive I am ... well, let me tell you about a funny story.  About two weeks ago I was walking and at a pretty good clip when I caught someone out of the corner of my eye, looking like they were trying to pass me.  I don't like to be passed, so I just sped up and I kept seeing someone out of the corner of my eye speeding up with me. I was getting a bit frustrated as I was not sure I could keep that speed up for much longer.  Finally I glanced to the side, there was no one there... get this... it was my shadow... lol

I told you I was competitive... but whoa... racing my shadow... too much.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Walking That Fine Line

My Valentina is getting to that age where she is wanting a little freedom, I am trying to be a responsible parent and give a little.  I cannot shelter her for the rest of her life like I want to, I can't make all her decisions for her, just so she doesn't have to live with bad choices.  The teenage years are looming quickly, I am not looking forward to them... they were scary enough with Andrea, with Valentina I worry she is too trusting and soft hearted. 

She came to me tonight and asked if she could go to a sleep over to a girl she barely knows, I told her I would think about it because I like time to prepare my answer.  I am not ready for that type of night out yet, if I knew the girl and her family I might be inclined to think differently... however; I am very protective of Valentina and Cindy is even more so.

I do have to give her a little lee way with some choices she wants to make, clothing, make up and nail polish... all of these are not life threatening, so I don't waste anytime arguing about these choices.  I am sure she will learn as she goes along about some of her choices and she will then make new and better ones.  She won't be super happy with me about this decision but I do think this is an important battle, I have to protect her, especially since she is still so young.

Being a mama is rewarding and difficult at the same time... I wouldn't change having either of my daughters, I have been extremely blessed.  Besides Andrea told me that I should put my foot down early and not let Valentina get away with what she did.  I tend to agree but then again Andrea turned out pretty great and she can think for herself and make very good choices.  Of course Valentina is a lot younger in her maturity than Andrea was at the same age. Two very different children, each with their own challenges and each with their own rewards.

I am trying to walk that fine line where I don't push Valentina away but that I don't smother her either.  That's the toughest line to walk, also, it is not the most popular line to walk.  One of the things I do expect from Valentina that I didn't stress enough for Andrea is a little respect... I understand frustration as I get that way myself but I don't want anyone, least of all my children disrespecting me.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

My Three Wants

I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life, which means what do I want today because no one is offered tomorrow for a certainty.  When I think about what I really want, there are only three things, one I want to see my children with joy in their lives, I see a lot of that in them now, I want to see more.  Two, I want to do something more with my writing, I have some ideas and I am researching them... I will see what comes of it all and third, I want to be able to see my David, I want to have a gigantic bear hug from him with those huge arms of his... I always felt safe in them... that way I could lay my head on his chest and just feel him breathe, than I could breathe that way again before everything changed.

I think it is funny when we sit down and really think about what we want and none of them usually entail material items... not that it's wrong to want things, they are just not what is most important to me.  My wants are the simple things in life, the things that give me happiness and joy... the long term kind.  I don't want instant gratification, that never brought any lasting joy.  It actually has left me feeling emptier than before I started... which than had me looking for bigger things to fill that empty spot. None of which worked, since the empty part of me needed to be filled with love, not things.

Writing helps me to put my thoughts together in cohesive patterns where I work issues out, I feel like if I didn't write... I wouldn't have been able to come as far as I have... I see that I sometimes slide back into old patterns but I find that because I write, I don't stay in them as long, I find the way out of it sooner.  I find for me that writing my emotions down, free me..

The one about my children is what every parent wants in this world... I want my children to have joy... I want them to do better than I did as I did better than my parents.  I am thrilled when they excel at whatever they do, that is what brings me joy... knowing my children have joy in their lives.  I feel blessed to have my children... I am grateful that I was able to be there mommy or mama.

The one about David is simple, he gives the best hugs I have ever had... they are the kind that you are totally wrapped up by the other person, where time seems to stand still and all you can hear is the thumping of the other persons heart... and it's enough, just being able to breathe without so much tension.  When I thought about what I wanted, I just want to breathe without the tension that is there now... I want to feel that relaxed again one day.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

What You Believe, You Will Achieve

I saw this quote on Facebook today and it made me think of how tenacious I am... I am one of those people that when someone tells me it is impossible... that I find a way to make it happen.  I don't know if it is always a good thing but I don't give up until I am forced to do so.  I am not the most gracious when I have to give in or give up... usually it has nothing to do with things... it has to do with people.

I have long believed in the quote above, even when I was young and had never heard it... I always believed anything was possible if I wanted it bad enough.  I don't mean possessions...  although nice to have, it is never what I longed for....  What I desired was to travel the path I was meant to travel, no matter what other people thought.  I remember a time about four years ago that I KNEW I was meant to do something where everyone thought I had lost it... a small part of me started believing they were right but that tenacious part of me would NOT let me give in... I didn't give up, I succeeded in doing what I knew I was meant to do.

When I look back at those things that I achieved because I wouldn't give in... I am in awe of myself, more in awe that I would ever doubt what or where I should be... I know exactly what I am supposed to do and I know where I am supposed to be... Yet I continue to let other people's ideas cloud what I know... If I don't believe in my dreams, who will?  Just because things don't happen on a time line that I want, doesn't mean it won't happen... it just means I am not ready yet... I need to stop doubting myself, the truth is that when I want to achieve something in my life, I have always made it happen.

A little over six years ago, I was still living my ex Andrey... we were not together in any real sense, more for convenience.  What I mean by this is that when Andrey and I married in 2001, I ended up sponsoring him into Canada by 2003 when our marriage was at the very end and we separated not too long after.  However; since I had sponsored him, I was responsible for him for ten years.... since I was legally responsible for him, I allowed him to stay with me and take care of Valentina while I worked.  Of course this was not a good solution for either of us and in late 2007, I realized that he and I would not be able to continue on like this for another six years.

I started thinking, dreaming... there had to be a way out for me... within one week of this thought, a friend of mine who I had known for a couple of years told me her aunt worked for immigration... I was like what?  How could you not tell me?  It never crossed her mine, I had her check with her aunt to find out if I would have to finish out this commitment, or was there a way out?

My friend called me later in the day and told me that she found out the laws had changed, it wasn't a ten year commitment any longer, it was only three.  Can you understand how elated I was?  I was over the moon excited...  however; I wondered if it was retro active... Cindy called them for and lo and behold, my responsibility for him was done, had been done for over year.

I had that thought about how our circumstances had to change, there had to be a way... in one week a way was made.  Anything is possible... anything.  If you think that was just lucky, think again, that law of being responsible for someone for ten years when you sponsor them had been in effect for a very long time... a way was made for me to be free.  Nothing can hold me back but me and the same goes for everyone... only we hold ourselves back.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥