Regret Is Nothing Without Change

Late last night I was laying in bed, I had heard something that was making me think about everything I have dealt with in the past few years.  How it had caused me not to trust myself... when I had to admit that it was because I didn't want to trust anyone else... I thought it would be easier... if I didn't allow myself to trust anyone, I couldn't be hurt right? I started thinking about what I would be remembered for... the girl who refused to trust anyone because she was afraid of being hurt... 

Do I really want to be remembered for that? Is that what I want ... people saying how sad it was that I refused to give life a chance again? I haven't been happy for a long time, I had to conclude it was because I was unwilling to trust again. I don't know that I am completely ready to go full speed ahead with trusting but I know I want to try... even though I have been hurt, disappointed and had my dreams broken... I don't want to live with this sadness anymore... 

I took a step today and joined a dating site, I may not find the great love of my life ... maybe it will be finding a good friend... I don't want to be closed off to trying anymore...  It's very true that I can be happy on my own and that is more likely what will happen ... I just don't want to live with regret... I think that is the saddest way to live life.

I might even be hurt again, that comes with trying... but what I realized is that I'm pretty sure I cannot be hurt as deeply as I was before and even though I am still not healed, I survived that... and I didn't think I could or would. So, it might be scary to really open myself up again but not trying would be more scary... This summer is going to be about facing some of my fears, the first one will be zip lining to work on conquering my fear of heights... the next is putting myself out there even if it means being hurt or rejected.

Also, I have to admit to myself that I had given up on myself in these past few months, it was easier than dealing with what was right in front of me. I have been comforting myself with food because of my fears and sadness... I wouldn't even confront how far I have strayed.... The only way to get back on the path I want to be is to accept the truth and make the necessary changes. I've decided that as soon as I'm working at home (which will be soon) I will be making my health a priority ...  

I am going to start with small steps and the first thing is being honest with myself, the second is making a plan and the third and most important is living that plan. I don't want to go back to where I was, I wasn't happy or healthy... I might have given up on myself but I don't have to stay there... I can make the changes I need to make... so that I don't live my life with regret... 

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Breaking Down Walls To Grow

I have been thinking about how disappointed I was, that once again, someone wasn't who they portrayed themselves to be... I told my sister I just wanted to throw the towel in and give up on dating... I feel like I take care of myself, yet men choose women the opposite of me... My sister told me that she will never give up on love no matter what and although I have been burned many times over, I have to agree with her... I am not giving up on love either. 

 

I may not hop back on the dating site for a few months but I will go there again and I will be more discerning than ever. Honestly the guy is going to have to prove he is worthy of dating me, I don't want some guy who just talks the talk... he has to walk the talk too... when I made my profile in the past I don't think I was specific enough, I am going to be choosier... I am willing to give the best of myself to someone and I expect the same in return. 

Just a very quick update, I have been walking a lot and enjoying it, I plan to walk every day I possibly can without excuses... and the best part is that I am eating consciously, I am not eating to numb myself. With that of course comes a lot of emotions I have to deal with... definitely not easy but when has change ever been easy?  Of course no one wants to feel pain, sadness or disappointment but as awful as those feelings are they are the only way to grow.

 

When I have decided to numb those feelings in the past, all I did was prolong the pain and I stayed in the same spot of sadness, which stopped me from growing. This week as I walked I thought about how I just needed to push through so that I would no longer be standing in the same place anymore... I honestly cannot go another year and look back... to see that I have not progressed again because I was unwilling to feel the emotions that have been holding me back. 

I don't want to build those walls around me anymore, yes I know that is more than likely inviting more pain into my life but I am hoping eventually it will invite the joy I want too... I read the quote above over the weekend and although I have read it many times in the past, it resonated with me as I could see that each wall I built around me in the last few years didn't really protect me, they actually made me more sad.

 

So, I decided this week that instead of building walls, I am breaking them down... and giving myself the chance to heal... With that comes one very important thing I have to do... I have to really forgive someone that I have been unable to forgive up until now... which has upset me as I am really a very forgiving person and holding onto this anger for her has just held me back.  Besides the truth is that what we give out comes back to us... I want to give forgiveness and love...

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Love Is Never Easy

Last week was my birthday week, I took two days off to have an extra long weekend. I didn't do a whole lot other then rest and walk whenever possible. We have this really great trail near where I live that I have come to love. I wish I had started using it earlier this year as there are only a few places I have to worry about crossing a road, it is quite level and it is beautiful. I will be using this as much as possible as it is quiet and very serene.

So, last week I explained that things did not work out between him and I as 'apparently' he has taken a job out West. I really didn't want to write about it because I knew that I was going to hear all the pat answers I didn't want to hear. It was inevitable since most of us are wired to want to say something/anything to make someone feel better. I want to address a few things here. 

First, I did not chase him or search for love, I was prepared to cancel the dating service I was on when he messaged me. I was intrigued as we had spoken at great length a couple of years ago. Second, I do love myself... I could not have said this a few years ago, I don't think wanting romantic love means that I don't love myself... Third, I think it is wonderful for people that enjoy being alone, let me say this, 'good for you'... I may have to be alone but that does not mean I am going to be thrilled about it, I would much rather share my life with someone who I love and who loves me. Fourth, I have a wonderful family and many good friends, unfortunately they don't always fill the void that craves romantic love... that doesn't mean I am not grateful for them.

The most important thing I wanted to say was in no way do I think love is easy. I know it's not perfect and simple to achieve... I know that no one has a perfect love where everything runs smoothly all the time. I also know that social media gives this illusion at times.... of course we as human beings don't want to post that things are not perfect, most of us don't want to do this because we don't want to be negative. Other people are insecure when they are over posting about how perfect the person that they are with is... the truth is, no one is perfect.

I am grateful that I didn't put him and I all over social media and only generically mentioned him in the blog. I think it would have been more difficult otherwise... Losing him was really nothing, I barely knew him, I didn't have time to have real feelings for him... what it did was make me build higher walls as I had started to trust again; it brought up old feelings and reminded me of how broken my heart was a few years ago... I thought I had come a long way and put that behind me, this showed me that maybe I am not quite ready yet.

For the time being I won't be dating and quite frankly as much as I want that great love in my life, it will have to wait... He will have to jump through hoops of fire to prove he is worthy of me... I give myself over to love completely when I love someone, the next time if it is to happen, the guy will have to go to great lengths to show me he is serious. I deserve absolutely nothing less... besides I know love is never easy but it's worth it...

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Opening My Heart To Trust

I have had an extremely busy weekend, I bought our real tree, we have it up with all the lights on it and we are decorating it tomorrow, I will be posting it on my social media. It is a really pretty tree and has a wonderful pine scent. I did a lot of shopping, just a few more items to get and I had general house hold items to keep up with...

I was able to catch up with a little of my reading and I read some really amazing posts, this particular blog stood out this week. Mainly because this weekend is the three year anniversary since 'he' came to Halifax and spent Christmas and New Years with me. Today I am in a better place than I was a year ago and for that I am completely grateful... I have new challenges and that is okay... it's the only way to grow.

So, I read this and it resonated with me because it was definitely how I felt about trusting anyone again. I had jumped in with both feet with 'him', not fearing where I would land and even when it didn't work out romantically, I never believed we would not  be friends... yet that happened...

Here is what S wrote from her blog .As Far As The Eye Can See .. the title is the damage is done. It made me think hard about broken trust and how it changes us ... I was there a short year ago, wondering if I would ever be able to trust anyone again. I never let myself get too excited about dating, if a guy called, he called... if he didn't he didn't. I have dated a few guys but no one special, after reading this, I knew why... I had lost my desire to trust and I didn't expect it from anyone anymore.

the damage is done.

i don't take promises from anyone anymore
that is what you did to me.
i do not look expectantly at my

phone
when someone tells me they'll call
then decide they won't.
and when people come to me with wide eyes and excited smiles
i turn away.
i do not memorize what it's like
to touch a body with just the tips of my fingers.
i remember what it was to train my mind to forget
what skin feels like, traced over
on mornings
half asleep.
and that is enough
to not hold on to promised words
from promising lips
any longer.
S.

Although this resonated with me as this was exactly how had been feeling, I wasn't able to verbalize it until I read this... I also took this as an opportunity to remember that if I truly want to feel joy, I am going to have to learn to trust again. I am going to have to take a chance. For the first time in a very long time, I want to try again... this time I will expect more and I will open my heart to trust.

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I Need To Stop This Merry-Go-Round

I thought about not writing tonight... not because I don't have things I want to write about but more because I think I have too much to say and too much of the same thing.  I feel like I go around in circles sometimes, which then has me thinking why I won't find a way off the merry-go-round.  At first it was fun, I laughed and really enjoyed it, lately I am only feeling sick and wanting off... it's true when people tell us that there is too much of a good thing.

I want to be able to take a chance and right now I don't feel strong enough to do that... not where it counts.  I want to say enough is enough but I don't want off the merry-go-round for good, just for a break...  I feel like I am back at square one, at least I know more now than I did, so being back at square one doesn't mean that I will stay there long.  It's just the hardest one to deal with, it's the one that knocks the wind out of me and I find it hard to breathe... I wonder if the feeling will ever go away.

I go through my options again and again, choice A is continuing on this path where I hope that I can finally make a breakthrough and see that it was all worth it one way or the other.  Which could be very good or not... or choice B which is the hardest choice, one when I think of choosing it makes me have a panic attack where I can barely breathe. 

I guess the options keep coming up because I keep choosing option A and it keeps bringing me back to the options... which means I should choose option B.  Maybe it will be the one where I finally get off the merry-go-round, I am hoping that it isn't as difficult as I think it will be... maybe it just seems that way.  I have been thinking about this because someone told me it was time for me to start dating and I instantly said no... when I think about dating and putting my heart there again, I become overwhelmed and I get short of breath.

First and foremost, I can't ever imagine loving anyone more than I love my David... I don't even think I can convey all the feelings I have for him and how he sees the best in me and wants the best for me.  I have never had anyone who cared about me like that. Second and most important is that I don't think I could handle another let down.  This one nearly took me out, I can still remember that horrible feeling when I found out that it wasn't going to work out.  I dropped to the floor and I could barely breathe... I sobbed from the depths of my soul.  It went on for days, I stayed in bed for three full days and than I finally got out to go to work, I sobbed between calls and on the bus.. anywhere, I sobbed myself to sleep.

I don't feel like that all the time anymore and I don't ever want to feel that way again.  It took me a long time to pull myself out of that, thinking about dating brings back all those feelings.  I don't know how I could ever trust anyone not to hurt me again... it's not even possible to ask that because there are no guarantees in life, so that's why I have held back on dating. 

I told my sister this after I messaged her and said, I am going to end up being like mom, aren't I?  She called to tell me, only if I choose to... My mother never took a chance again in her life after my father broke her heart because she said only one man had broke her heart twice and she wasn't willing to take a chance with anyone else.  I don't want to be like my mother... that means taking a chance and hoping it doesn't break me completely.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Don't Let Betrayal Destroy Your Trust

I have been thinking about how betrayal and loss of trust could really destroy a person if they let it... It's incredibly difficult to process how a person that you felt connected with could do or say things that hurt you so much.  The truth is that not all people are out to hurt others, the one's that do this are hurting inside themselves... they don't know how to be any other way. 

I am not saying that anyone should keep a relationship with someone who betrays you, I am saying that I wouldn't let what that person did reflect on who I am as a person. I could sit here and berate myself for being with Andrey, there were so many whispers and nudges in the beginning, how could I miss them.  I won't though, I recognize that I am a good person, I believe that people are all good inherently until they show me otherwise.

However; I did take a while to process all of the things that Andrey did to me over the years, the harsh words, the cheating, the shoving, the slap in the face after we were separated, the rape that nearly devastated me.  Not every man is Andrey, not every man is out to hurt me, David proved that to me...  Although my David and I are only friends now, he never destroyed my trust in him.

I could have let the whole thing with Andrey destroy me but than I would never have taken the chance to be with my David and see that all men are not created equal.  All men are not out to hurt me and truthfully I even wonder if Andrey was out to hurt me in the beginning or if he just disliked himself so much that he has no self esteem and lashed out.  Whatever it was with him, I am not taking that on myself.

Over the past couple of years, I have come to realize more and more that people just want to be loved, seen and heard.  Some people have no idea how to ask for it, so they act out of fear which causes them to push someone away which causes more fear for them... I won't live with the fear!

I won't allow betrayal by one person to destroy my trust in others...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

I Want Love, Nothing Less, Nothing More

"It's a beautiful thing when someone genuinely cares for you, for the person you are, not for what you can give them materialistically, or anything you can do for them to help them in any way, it's just because you are you, nothing more nothing less. ~ Patrick Hill

I read this quote and I was immediately touched by it, it spoke to my heart.   This is the kind of love I give to the person I care for, the type of love I've looked for all of my life....  it surely must exist, I've felt it for two people in my life.  More with my David than with Tony (Tony was my first love).

I have learned a hard lesson this past year.... it doesn't matter how much I love someone, it won't make them love me or themselves.  For a reason I will never understand, some people are afraid to be loved that much....  I am not afraid!!!

I know it can be scary to give your heart to another but I think it can be worth it if you just take a chance.  I've been working on convincing myself of this, this past year... although extremely painful... the memories are worth it.  I have some wonderful ones I would never trade. 

The past couple of days I have been highly emotional... I haven't been able to keep my emotions in check... the smallest thing can set me off.  I think I held myself back for the holidays, now that they have come and gone, I don't seem to have the will power to control them anymore. 

I was at work yesterday and I was commenting that I was excited about my new phone that had arrived and how pathetic it was that this lifted my spirits... I said I didn't have much to be happy about... another co-worker started telling me how I just have to be positive.

What a laugh, that's not true... I asked her to stop... please don't go on... she said but it's true.  I turned around and said, I don't feel that and if you continue on I will cry... I promptly cried.  She stopped, I know she felt I just needed to change my attitude.  I so wish that was true, I really used to believe that but lately I don't see that working.

My issue with this whole thing is that I know that real and honest love exists since I have felt it for two people in my life.... all I want is for someone to feel that way about me.  Why does love have to be so complicated?  I believe in being open and honest, why do other people not feel this is important? 

"Listen to your heart and follow it or it will find a million ways to remind you that there is something missing." ~Anon

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Life Experiences Give Us The Opportunity To Strengthen Our True Character

The only way to get what you want is to risk being uncomfortable. The greater your gratitude for discomfort, the greater the opportunity. ~ Chris Cade

Some people raise us up, some people pull us down.  Why do we choose to waste our time on the one's who drag us down?  I think we (people who believe others can change) really believe that people are good underneath.  That isn't always true though, some people are out to hurt us no matter how good we are to them.

I've made a conscious decision to have people in my life who uplift me and care about me.  Life is too hard to have anything but the best people as your friends to support you.  I know that I have no desire to tear my friends down, I want them to be happy and successful. 

I heard something profound tonight, it made me cry because I realized I had been too wrapped up in other things, than taking care of myself.  I need to be thankful and grateful for the way circumstances have happened to me in my life.  From these things I have grown, the bigger the trial, the bigger the chance to grow.

So instead of looking at our trials as burdens we have to carry, we need to be really thankful for them as those trials have made us who we are.   If someone cannot appreciate that they could have had it all, that is their loss.  Each day I'm moving forward and building on being a better me and when the time comes as I know it will; I'll be there, not to mock and say I always knew exactly how everything would turn out.  I'll be there to understand and forgive; everyone makes mistakes, everyone can change.

 I'm really a forgiving person, I give people many chances.  I always forgive and move on, I don't want to waste any of my time or energy trying to figure out why someone would act like that.  I just move on and be happy.

Someone once told me that our life experiences teach us how to behave. But I believe our life experiences give us the opportunity to strengthen our true character. ~ Michelle Ernsdorff

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Success Can Come From Failure

How am I supposed to carry on?  That question haunts me daily.  I feel paralyzed, stuck in the mud, not able to move.  Each step I try to take is full of resistance.

I read a great blog today Gail's Fourm about moving through the forest even when we are afraid. Like the writer, I have come to the edge of the forest, just to peer into it, sometimes I have even gone half way in, only to run back to what I perceived as safe.  My so called safety has not served me well, instead I have stagnated and fallen further back, only to fail more than if I had just taken the chance and gone through the unfamiliar woods.

The question I have for myself is will I continue to be afraid?  Or will I grow and move forward? I know what path I want and need to choose.  Can I do it without failing miserably again?  I don't think fear is bad, it tries to keep us safe.  Unfortunately when it is at its worst is when I never move one inch forward because I am so scared.... when will I grow if I don't take a chance?

Maybe if I accept that I might fail and just keep moving forward.  Eventually I'll get to the other side and succeed.   Isn't this all we really want, to just get through the loss, the grief, the sadness, the pain... whatever it is that holds us back from being who we are meant to be.  Really, isn't there something better if we keep moving forward, I have to believe that there is or there would be no reason to live this life.

I still believe in love, I don't believe in fairy tale endings anymore though.  They don't exist.  Not that fairy tales are bad things, we all should have fun and believe in them when we are children but the reality is that relationships take hard word, they are never easy.  There are times you grow apart, it depends on how much you love the other person if you are to grow together again. Some you hold onto, others you let go because you know they were never worth it in the beginning.  The ones you hold onto are the ones that come but once or twice in a life time.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
 

We Love To Love

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." ~ LEO BUSCAGLIA

I had a lovely day at church today, which is always based on loving each other.  Really loving each other and not looking for anything in return. For when we truly love each other, love comes back to us in ways we could never comprehend.  When we love and look for it in return, we become disillusioned, since it rarely comes to us the way we give it out.

As everyone who knows me or reads my blog knows that I have always desired to have one true love, someone to be there for me and me there for him.  It hasn't worked out that way for me and I became disillusioned... I felt as if God, the universe and the world had let me down.  When in reality, I had that love all along... I just refused to see it since it wasn't in the package I had dreamed it would be. It came as friendship love. 

The quote above by Leo Buscaglia reminded me that I need to stop looking for my love and just love everyone and not look for what I think I deserve.  My Heavenly Father knows my heart and he wants me to be happy; the true way to happiness is to lose myself in love and service. 

This last time that I had the opportunity and blessing to love, I nearly let it destroy me... because I wanted it my way.  By doing this, I nearly destroyed what I loved, I am still working on fixing it, hoping he will see that I was afraid, afraid that no one would love me.  I was wrong, I needed first to love myself and second to know that love comes in ways we don't always see right away.

"The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you.  Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.  So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can." ~ Neil Gaiman

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The 30 Day Challenge

So, I am about to embark on a 30 day challenge... I have to say when I first heard of some of the items I had to give up or change,  I was pretty comfortable and then the next thing said was that I had to give up social media.  I was shocked and uncomfortable, sure sign I would have to take on the challenge and give it up for the 30 days.

My heart started beating quickly and my breathing was uneven... then the next item came... I would not be able to flirt for 30 day.  I was what???  I do this without thinking, it is a habit that is second nature.  So... I thought okay, I will take on that challenge and work very hard to be conscious of this and not do it anymore.

I became even more uncomfortable when the next challenge came, I would have to give up contact with any of my exes, the first thought that came to me was NOOOO,  I cannot do this, my best and closest friend David who keeps me centered is one of my exes.  He is the one who has turned me around and helped me see the best in myself.  How in the world will I survive without him for 30 days, he is my rock... my voice of reasoning.  I thought for sure, this was going to be my breaking point.

I realized I was very uncomfortable and it was then that I knew for sure I would have to do it, I have to get out of my comfort zone so that I can rely on myself and grow to my potential.  So then I had to talk to him and as usual he was beyond supportive, which is what I needed from him even if it was not what I wanted.  Besides, it is only for 30 days, I am going to do this with a great attitude and the time will fly by before I know it and in the meantime, I will learn something about myself.

Everyone in the group had things that they were uncomfortable with, having to give up caffeine was one of the largest things, I had already done this almost 2 months ago and I was feeling good about this... I should have known that there would be something over whelming that I would have to come to terms with.

It's odd but somehow I knew something like this was coming, I just wrote in my blog about a week ago that I would have to make a decision or it would be made for me.... I didn't make the decision and now it is made for me.  This is just a test I have to pass, I can do this, I am strong even if I don't feel like it.  There must be something huge I have to learn about myself, otherwise I would not have to go to such great lengths.  It seems this is always how it is with me, I have to have the big life changes to make the changes I need to in my life.