Facing What Is Real

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Some things have changed drastically in my life in the past week, hence why I took a break from blogging and social media.  All the changes were causing me to lose more sleep than I normally do and frankly I can barely function on the little bit of sleep I am usually able to get.  Add into that one more overly stressful issue and I was lucky to be getting a couple of hours of broken sleep each night, even with the sleeping pills my doctor had given me. Wednesday night I was near my breaking point, I had only slept two hours the night before and not all together, I then went to work because I am a single mama and I cannot afford to take off unpaid time, no matter what.  I also had set up some times to visit some ladies from our church earlier in the week for that night.

I know I could have cancelled and I had thought about it as my nerves were raw and the smallest thing could send me over the edge.  I went for the visits though and I ended up being grateful that I did, it changed my perspective on an issue that I felt so totally out of control with... I was told about a talk that was given at one of our church functions; many times I have been told about talks and thought... hmmm, I should read that, this one really peaked my curiosity.  I came away from the visits exhausted but uplifted and when I got home, I took a sleeping pill and drifted off to sleep, now I didn't sleep through the whole night but I definitely got more rest then the previous nights.  On the way to work, I searched for the talk on my phone and read it, it resonated with me in a way it may not have for other people.

That is the thing about talks, each of us gets different information and ideas as they pertain to our situations. What I learned from this talk is that this earthly life is a blip, it is just here for the now, the eternity is what is important and everything works itself out in the eternities... What I mean by that is that just because something does not work out the way we want it to here, does not mean that it won't be different there.  So I wrote on my Facebook wall, 'Yours for now, mine for an eternity' ... some people questioned me about what this meant.  For me, it means I need to stop worrying about now and everything will take care of itself. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I also need to write another thing, in this day of information and technology, unless you are just talking to someone, everything is documented somewhere.  I know that and this is why I am very careful about what I say and who I say it to.  I only speak my heart to people that I truly trust ... as well if anyone says anything to me, they can know that it will never go anywhere... I can be trusted fully.  Unfortunately I have trusted the wrong people in the past but I have lived and learned through that, that is why I now have a very small circle of trusted friends.

I see my doctor in November again and I am going to talk to her about seeing someone I can talk to ... On the council of a very good and trusted friend, I am going to find someone I can talk to about all of the changes that I have had to deal with in the past couple of years.  This good friend is right, it is always good to speak to someone who is not emotionally involved in your situation, it could give a new light on some trials and issues I have had to deal with... I am really grateful that there is not the stigma that there used to be about getting counselling like there was many years ago.  Only good can come from this, if anything it will give me a safe place to say all that I feel.

My blog is kind of that place, only it is opened to whoever wants to read it... which is fine, I will always write here openly and honestly as that is who I am.  I think I need to reiterate something here, just to make myself totally clear.  I am losing weight and I am continuing on my path to lose weight and get healthy for me and for me alone.  I am NOT doing this for anyone, as I have stated to some people, if I was doing this for someone or something, I would not be able to sustain it.... I am doing this for me.

Also, my blog is about how I feel inside, that is why it goes up and down, I write down whatever I am feeling at any given time... I write from the heart and maybe I shouldn't always write what is in my heart all the time. Unfortunately that is me, I write what I feel, I also say what I feel too... I know that it can be hard for people, especially the people that are close to me.  I will make a concerted effort to not write about those people so much in the future but I will always write about myself.  This is where I have my voice, Andrey and other people tried to take that away from me in the past...

As with life, friendships go in up and down phases too... I believe if you are really friends, that time will work out any issues that might come between you.  Just as life issues get worked out in time... I make mistakes, we all make mistakes but I believe in forgiving and I believe that I can be forgiven too.  Sometimes when we are hurting on the inside, it blinds us to what is real.  We don't always want to see the real because it can hurt a lot but I am looking at the real, I am facing it, if I didn't I couldn't be successful in my life style changes.

We Love To Love

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." ~ LEO BUSCAGLIA

I had a lovely day at church today, which is always based on loving each other.  Really loving each other and not looking for anything in return. For when we truly love each other, love comes back to us in ways we could never comprehend.  When we love and look for it in return, we become disillusioned, since it rarely comes to us the way we give it out.

As everyone who knows me or reads my blog knows that I have always desired to have one true love, someone to be there for me and me there for him.  It hasn't worked out that way for me and I became disillusioned... I felt as if God, the universe and the world had let me down.  When in reality, I had that love all along... I just refused to see it since it wasn't in the package I had dreamed it would be. It came as friendship love. 

The quote above by Leo Buscaglia reminded me that I need to stop looking for my love and just love everyone and not look for what I think I deserve.  My Heavenly Father knows my heart and he wants me to be happy; the true way to happiness is to lose myself in love and service. 

This last time that I had the opportunity and blessing to love, I nearly let it destroy me... because I wanted it my way.  By doing this, I nearly destroyed what I loved, I am still working on fixing it, hoping he will see that I was afraid, afraid that no one would love me.  I was wrong, I needed first to love myself and second to know that love comes in ways we don't always see right away.

"The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you.  Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.  So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can." ~ Neil Gaiman

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Love, My Best Friend

Do you remember a time when you were really happy?  You know a time where you smiled on the inside and out.  It's been a long time for me.  I have had some really happy moments lately but I haven't had that insane happiness.  The ones I had with David through the two months of November and December in 2011.  I had the most amazing holidays, I'll never forget how happy and wonderful it was.  In my heart it's real <3

I love that you love me, I love that you are to there to catch me but most of all I love that you're my best friend.

I had a dream come true, my fairy tale love , my one and only.  He's everything I've always wanted and now it's so hard that we are apart.  Every other day I think I can't do this, I can't be only friends, I can't be without him.  My emotions are on a roller coaster, I try so hard to keep myself together.  I don't want to make it harder on him or on myself.  I know that even if I do make it hard on him, he will be there for me no matter what.  We are best friends, we are soul mates.

Yet if I really love him, I have to let him go.  As painful as that will be, it is the right thing to do.  Because I love him I want him to be happy, my love letter to you, even though I know I would/could make him insanely happy; he has to want that from me.   No one on this earth or anywhere else will ever love him as much as I do.  I am willing to let him go but we will always be best friends.  Whenever I need him, he will be there and whenever he needs me, I will be there.

The truth is that no one knows what the future and the eternities hold, I have faith that everything will be as it should be.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
 

Running To, Running From

I've been weepy this morning, not sad just weepy.  I'm on my way to work listening to my music and I heard this song 'Never thought that I could love' (Dan Hill).  It instantly made me think about David; I really had never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love David.  I never in my life thought I could find someone to trust all my inner secrets with.

I told David the other night that if I hadn't been so shy when I was 15, we would have been together then, he laughed and said yes, plus we would have had a dozen children:).  I get pregnant easily and David loves being a daddy, he's amazing.  His children adore him, Valentina likes him and she is particular when it comes to men.

You know what is difficult, when you love someone and you know that you were meant to be together and life or  circumstances get in the way.  I feel like packing up and moving out west to be close to David but I know that's not the answer as much as I want it to be. I have to think of Valentina, she does not need to be uprooted over and over. 

I have to trust and believe that everything will work out the way it was always meant to be.  Prayer has become integral in my life again, I remember when I was 15 and I started praying and I never went to sleep without doing it.  I really talk to my Heavenly Father as if he was in the room with me.  I know that He loves me and he wants me to be happy and He wants me to have good things in my life.

I only pray for good things, so I have to remember to leave it in His hands.  Everything will work out the way it should.  Stressing about it doesn't help, having faith is the only way to succeed.  Well this blog is eye opening in more ways then one for me, here I was writing how I felt like running to David but knew that this was not the answer. 

I saw that the blog I read 'The Daily Love' Mastin Kipp writes had arrived in my in box, I took a moment to read it and he was saying something similar to what I was writing.  If I believe in miracles and I do; then I have to trust that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and that all things will work out according to plan.

Just another answer to my prayers, no running towards what I want.  Everything is exactly what it should be and it will work out the way it is meant to be.  I feel calmer, not so unsettled.  I'm to be an example and I don't want anything part way, I want the temple marriage that is for eternity.  I want nothing less, so I will work on me to be ready.