Love Is Never Easy

Last week was my birthday week, I took two days off to have an extra long weekend. I didn't do a whole lot other then rest and walk whenever possible. We have this really great trail near where I live that I have come to love. I wish I had started using it earlier this year as there are only a few places I have to worry about crossing a road, it is quite level and it is beautiful. I will be using this as much as possible as it is quiet and very serene.

So, last week I explained that things did not work out between him and I as 'apparently' he has taken a job out West. I really didn't want to write about it because I knew that I was going to hear all the pat answers I didn't want to hear. It was inevitable since most of us are wired to want to say something/anything to make someone feel better. I want to address a few things here. 

First, I did not chase him or search for love, I was prepared to cancel the dating service I was on when he messaged me. I was intrigued as we had spoken at great length a couple of years ago. Second, I do love myself... I could not have said this a few years ago, I don't think wanting romantic love means that I don't love myself... Third, I think it is wonderful for people that enjoy being alone, let me say this, 'good for you'... I may have to be alone but that does not mean I am going to be thrilled about it, I would much rather share my life with someone who I love and who loves me. Fourth, I have a wonderful family and many good friends, unfortunately they don't always fill the void that craves romantic love... that doesn't mean I am not grateful for them.

The most important thing I wanted to say was in no way do I think love is easy. I know it's not perfect and simple to achieve... I know that no one has a perfect love where everything runs smoothly all the time. I also know that social media gives this illusion at times.... of course we as human beings don't want to post that things are not perfect, most of us don't want to do this because we don't want to be negative. Other people are insecure when they are over posting about how perfect the person that they are with is... the truth is, no one is perfect.

I am grateful that I didn't put him and I all over social media and only generically mentioned him in the blog. I think it would have been more difficult otherwise... Losing him was really nothing, I barely knew him, I didn't have time to have real feelings for him... what it did was make me build higher walls as I had started to trust again; it brought up old feelings and reminded me of how broken my heart was a few years ago... I thought I had come a long way and put that behind me, this showed me that maybe I am not quite ready yet.

For the time being I won't be dating and quite frankly as much as I want that great love in my life, it will have to wait... He will have to jump through hoops of fire to prove he is worthy of me... I give myself over to love completely when I love someone, the next time if it is to happen, the guy will have to go to great lengths to show me he is serious. I deserve absolutely nothing less... besides I know love is never easy but it's worth it...

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Sweeping It Under The Rug

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

This upcoming week is going to be insane. I don't know how I am going to keep it all together... My sister from New York state is in town until Friday, so I will want to see her. The final weigh in for the contest is Friday morning, so I will want to walk a lot. I have two physio appointments, a family dinner and I promised to get Valentina's ears pierced.  As well, I have regular cleaning such as dishes, laundry and sweeping... etc..

All of this with working full time and I am emotional... geesh. I know why I am emotional, I am just trying to sweep it under the rug until Friday when I will have time to deal with it.... I hope... I started feeling stressed when I realized I just don't have time to write this week, unless I give up sleep, which I don't advocate for me... However; I gave up a little sleep last night in hopes that it will be enough to tide me over until Friday... otherwise I might have a melt down. I know life is about balance but sometimes it is pretty hard to keep that balance when everything is being thrown at me from all sides.

I need to get through this week, spend time with my sister, walk as much as I can, win the contest and then deal with the issue under the rug. I'm afraid of that issue but I don't have the time or emotions to handle it right now; if I let myself think about it I cry... so I try not to let myself think about it.

I really pushed myself with my sister with walking yesterday, we walked over the bridge and back (1.3 miles each way) and we were able to maintain an average 15.15 minute mile. She challenged me, she looked like she barely broke a sweat, she could talk... I could not. She is in great shape as she has always exercised over the years where I have not... A good wake up call for me. Now that I know I can walk a mile in that time, I want to push myself to get there as much as possible... not every time but as much as possible...

Valentina and I are in need of mama/daughter time, which we will do tonight when I take her out to get her ears pierced ... next weekend will be about her and I as school is back in on Tuesday September 3rd... I took the day off so I could take her. I just want to help her get organized for the first day and I want her to feel special.  Starting out in the higher grades are scary, she is going into grade 5 and children are very clicky... I am trying to instill in her now that these children and their ideas are not important in the long run but it is really hard to get that through to your children as it feels all to real to them.

I have been so busy with exercising, I have had little time for anything else... hence why I swept some things under the rug... by doing this though, I have seen how emotional it makes me.. just a strong reminder that I have to deal with these issues as they happen... no matter how much I don't want to... no matter how afraid I am... There I go, crying again... If there is anything I have learned in the past two years is that burying anything just means it comes back bigger and more difficult to deal with... fearing the outcome is not a good enough reason to ignore it but time constraints are a good enough reason to at least hold off...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥  

Good Fathers Do Exist

Well, my second day was almost as good as my first day for exercising... the weather has been holding out and co-operating with me... it is warm but also there is a great breeze.  The only small down fall was that I didn't take my sneakers to walk with... I wore a pair of flats... not such a great idea as now I have two blisters... lesson learned.  I will just have to walk through the pain until they heal, I am not giving up walking now that I have started.

Tomorrow after work I am going to stop off at the store and pick up a good pair of rain boots... it has been raining a lot here for the past month or more... who am I kidding, I was beginning to think I might be able to swim to work.  Although I love rain in the evenings for sleeping, I seriously have had more than my fair share of rain for the time being.  Saying that, I also need to be prepared so that I don't let that be an excuse not to walk.

I have three big agendas on the go right now and I am trying hard not to overwhelm myself, the first one of course is exercising and eating correctly... the second is finding a place to move (I have to get on that as I want to be settled somewhere for September) and third, I have to purge this place.... I get so completely frustrated when I go to look for a simple item I know I have and it is not where I left it... I find that Valentina's clutter is invading all spaces right now... she has been just dropping items, clothing, shoes... whatever - where ever  she wants to... I have stopped hanging out in the living room as I rarely if ever watch TV... she has taken the room over and it is just one huge disaster.

So, this week I will be taking the opportunity to walk around my neighborhood to see if there is any available places I could rent, I am also going to start collecting boxes and packing away anything I am not using and that I will still need to use, once I am moved.  Next, Valentina needs to look out, I will be throwing items away at will, I have talked to her until I am blue in the face about putting her things away... apparently she needs to lose them to appreciate them.  Especially when the items are anywhere but in her room... I do care how her room looks but I don't care as much as long as the rest of the house stays relatively clutter free.

It's father's day today... not a day I have celebrated as first my father and I were not super close and he passed away in November 2004.  I have been a single mom twice and neither of those men stepped up to the plate to be the fathers they should be... I went to church today and one of the talks given was about not holding a grudge or resentment for lacking what we felt may have missed out on by not having the father we wanted.  It reminded me that although my dad didn't act like the father I needed him to be, he was there for me...

It also reminded me that holding a grudge or resentment only hurts me and I didn't even realize that I was doing it until today... I shut down when I read on Facebook and Twitter where, everyone was raving about their fathers and husbands... then I went to read some blogs and there were posts about the wonderful dads and husbands these people have... It made me cry to realize that I had been holding any resentment about this... this is not me... I don't like to hold onto anything like this as I know it only hurts me in the long run.

I went onto Facebook and wished all daddy's a wonderful day, especially my amazing son-in-law Paul who loves his son, my grandson Jackson, my nephew Kyle who is a really good daddy to his son Lucas and of course I could not forget my David who is a terrific father to his two children.  There are some really fabulous fathers and I feel blessed to have some of these men in my life who show me that good fathers really do exist...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Challenges Can Turn Into Rewards

I wondered what would get me out of the funky mood I was in... I almost made one of the biggest mistakes of my life because I was sad... I forgot to remember that the future isn't written yet and I can change the outcome by changing my present.  Luckily I was prompted not to make a decision and I actually listened to it... believe me I am one of those people that usually has to be hit by brick to hear those promptings.

If I hadn't listened I could have hurt two people, one of them being me.  I am NOT the kind person that tries to or wants to hurt anyone... I am the girl who will do whatever she can not to hurt or upset another person. Even when people hurt me, I don't look for ways to hurt them...  I usually just let it go and move on, mainly because I don't think it is for me to even the score, it is for me to forgive. If you read my blog regularly, you know that I don't hold malice or anger towards people that have either intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. 

I will tell you this though, look out if you hurt my family or my very good friends, that is where I need to learn to forgive.  I have a problem with anyone who could hurt someone I love and it makes me cry, the people that are my family or my close friends are good and kind people and when I see someone go out of their way to cause any pain to them, it takes everything within me not to lash out at them. I know I need to learn to be more forgiving that way but for me, that is the hardest one.

I keep reminding myself that it is not up to me to dole out punishment... It just hurts me so much more when someone that I love is being hurt over and over and they are a good and kind person that does not deserve to be continually hurt.  I don't know what to tell these people who no matter how loving and wonderful they are that unfortunately challenges are a part of life. With me, most times I can handle the challenge, it is usually because of a choice I have made in the past.

I guess why I get so angry at people that hurt my family or close friends is because not everyone can see that forgiveness is the only way to heal and letting it go... I know this and believe I feel grateful for that knowledge I can't give that knowledge to anyone, they have to learn that on their own.  So I become sad because they are sad or hurt or angry and I want to do whatever I can to take that pain away for them... however; I can't... I just have to be there for them...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

What I Am Afraid Of

I'm afraid of heights but I can't wait to zip line as scary as it will be, is as fun as I think it will be. I just have to find someone who drives to go down to the valley to do this with me, hopefully this summer.

I'm afraid of hiding who I am with the most important people in my life. Some of those people judge me, others make me feel like if I don't hide what I am really thinking that I will lose them.  I'm not even sure what is harder; hiding who I am or being judged? 

I guess it's really important who the person is, for example my oldest daughter.  She and I are super close, she's a lot like me when I was younger.  I have mellowed a great deal, I don't see the world in black and white; I see it in full and living color.

She wants me to 'compromise', which means I cannot speak my opinions that are different to hers.  The only reason I have difficulty with this is because I believe we all have a right to our own opinions.  I don't think we need be mean and argumentative about our choices.  I personally won't conduct discussions with anyone who can't respect that other people have different opinions.

That doesn't mean I won't speak to these people, I just talk about different things. The older I get the less I want to have disagreements with other people about things that don't really matter.  Certain things or events in life are not worth disagreeing about.  I think we all need to at least look at the other persons side of things and then agree to disagree and move on.

I'm afraid of losing people from my life.  I understand it is a part of life... friends come and go, even your family moves away, it's not always simple to stay connected even in this world where it seems we are on over load with connections.  Even with all the social media we have, it is still not easy to keep in close contact.  I really believe it is harder because we ARE on media overload...

I am hoping my writing down what I am afraid of that I will turn the light on them and see that none of these fears are fears that I should have... I know what I have to do in all these situations and even though I know what is right, it doesn't make it easy.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

An Apology And Pledge To My Daughters

If a child is given love, he becomes loving ... If he's helped when he needs help, he becomes helpful. And if he has been truly valued at home ... he grows up secure enough to look beyond himself to the welfare of others. ~ DR. JOYCE BROTHERS

I've felt compelled to write a letter to my children, an apology letter.  On the whole I know I've been a fairly decent mother but I've not been spectacular.

I have a deficiency when it comes to giving my inner self to them, I love them both with all my heart but I feel that sometimes I lack that motherly part when I could be making more time for both of them. 

So, I've made a decision that although I will blog daily as I can write it while I am on my way to work; that is all I will do through out the week.  I apologize that I won't be commenting daily but I really need to spend more time, quality time with my children.  I will visit and comment on all your blogs on the weekend, I love keeping up with them all.

That means 2 things, my DVR goes back this week, no more cable.  Internet only, I will allow myself one hour to blog per day as well as any social media.  I will actively play with Valentina, I will do what she wants to do.  Then I will call Andrea a few hours per week to see how she and her beautiful family are doing.

Right now I have to study for my CPA nightly for the next two weeks, then to bed early every night.  I will allow a couple of extra hours on the weekend for the internet.  Just not all day. 

I have been in a funky mood lately, I just miss my best friend, I'm very used to talking to David regularly and than to go to nothing, that has been very hard.  His job and the course he is taking is keeping him very busy.

In the mean time, my daughters are going to come first for me, as they always should.  I will always make time for him later in the evening.  But I need to salvage and improve my relationship with them.  I realized that I messed up and I didn't give time as much as I could have.

I guess my only excuse is that I had so little love for myself that it was difficult to give it to them.  It is so important to have self love when you have children, other wise they grow up lacking.  I have to change that.   I pledge going forward that I will spend only an hour on the internet per evening. 

I may not have always been at my computer but it was always on and I was always jumping on for just a minute... those minutes lasted far too long.  So, I will be turning the computer off.  I need to spend as much time as I can with my children, especially since I won't be seeing Andrea this summer:(  So no Paul:( and no Jackson:(.   We will have to Skype this summer.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield