Other-Worth or Self-Worth

"Self-worth cannot be verified by others. You are worthy because you say it is so. If you depend on others for your value it is other-worth."

- Dr Wayne W. Dyer

I was reading through some of my emails from The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp and I came across this quote above by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, I remember seeing him on a PBS special a couple of years ago... I was so taken with the program that I had to go out and buy his book. There are so many common sense items in it, things that we know but sometimes we turn them around to sound better but we change the meaning, he states the meaning clearly...

This quote touched me as I have had a few self doubts about myself lately and I kept looking for someone or something to take away the doubts I have been having.... when really it is all up to me, if I say I am worthy, I am.  This seems like such an easy concept when you hear it but for me it's difficult because I have to accept that I can do something about the way I feel.  There in lies my issue, I self evaluate myself continually looking for someone to show me or tell me that I am of worth... 

Mainly I have done this, looked to others to validate my worthiness because I felt that it was others that took it away from me to begin with... Just because Ruth my ex step mother did everything she could within her power to destroy my worth, doesn't mean she was right about me.  What it means is that she herself lacked any self worth of her own and instead of making herself a better person, she did everything she could to drag me to her level.

Unfortunately some people never see their worth and what they really could be capable of, they continue to lay the blame from their past experiences in the present.  I can say this because I was raised by her and I did not raise my children the same way... I'm not a perfect mother... who is... but I do know that destroying a child's self worth in themselves will do absolutely nothing to make me feel better.  In fact it would only lower my self worth.

I am not saying that it is easy to overcome how we were raised , on the contrary... I think it is hard work.   However; I think it is work that is worth doing, otherwise she and people like her succeed in pulling me down to their level.   My self worth doesn't come from what Ruth tried to instill in me, nor does it come from anyone else... It comes from me. When I remember that, I know that I have to do something to change my circumstances if I want my feelings to change.

Remember that challenge I said I would have to deal with... it is fast approaching... I have tried to side step it, ignore it and just plain defy it... It's not going away, it's one of those challenges that I am going to have to do something about ... I also know that until I do acknowledge it, it will control me and my emotions.  Some decisions are hard to accept, others are beyond what I think I am capable of  handling.  This quote reminded me that I alone make the decision of my self worth and the way that I deal with this up coming challenge will really show me what I am made of.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Seeing The Light Eventually

I spent my whole Saturday busy with Valentina and cleaning.  First, I didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time Friday night.  Second I went to an Easter egg hunt with Valentina on Saturday morning. The third thing was cleaning, laundry, dishes and a total re-do of my bedroom. Thankfully a friend came over and helped me clean and organize my room... I was so exhausted I just passed out after she left.

My emotions are on a rollercoaster... I'm agitated and snappy or I'm crying.  My friend said that it is normal with everything I have handled for the past year or so.  She explained that grief and loss can take two years or more to get through.  Most people think I should just be over it... so I hide it, let people think I'm okay... when sometimes I'm just not.  I almost feel like I don't have the right to be sad ... but I do.  

If I don't allow myself to be sad occasionally ...  I will forever sabotage any growth possibility.  I need to be able to cry, maybe if I let myself cry... I'll finally be able to heal.  I really think the answer to dealing with pain is head on, I need to cry, be angry or whatever else it takes to get through the loss.  Why do people think that getting over losing someone or a dream is easy?  Why are people afraid to let other people grieve in their own time?  There are people who think I should just take a pill to heal myself but I don't think that's the answer... that just masks the pain and I never end up actually dealing with it. 

 

I was reading Mastin Kipp's blog The Daily Love today and I read this paragraph:

 

The metaphor of today is exciting and a reminder that no matter how dark it might seem, no matter what we might be going through, the sun will rise again and we will be reborn stronger, wiser and with greater insight than we had before. 

 

I know that the day will come where I will be stronger and wiser... until that day comes, I will deal with my pain more openly.  That means no more hiding, no more covering, no more everything is fine when it isn't... That does not mean I will be a total downer, I have ups and downs like everyone but I cannot continue to pretend that everything is fine just to please others.  That also means that I am going to start a conversation that I am afraid to start but if I never start it, I will never know.

 

Dealing with loss and pain SUCKS, if it was easy, none of us would mind... it's not easy though.  I am doing this for me, even if it means I lose something I love very much... what is the use in loving something if I cannot love it openly.  There is no use in that, it only causes more pain down the road.

 

Once you see the light, you come to understand just how deeply in the dark you have been. ~ Amethyst Wyldfyre

 

This quote above reminds me that I have seen the light before on many things I was in the dark about... I will see the light about this too...

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

 

I Don't Need A Measuring Tape Anymore

I have written about Mastin Kip from The Daily Love before and how he writes a blog that inspires me to be a better version of myself daily.  I was reading through some quotes and I came across this one by Mastin that rang very true for me.  How often have I thought I wanted to be more like this person or more like that person... when what I need to do is stop measuring myself against other people.  We all have different challenges and some of us are really good at hiding it to the world.  I don't necessarily think that hiding is a good thing, I am sure it comes out in other ways in their lives... something that doesn't show outwardly. 

I then read the above quote and I felt how if I could wake up each morning as a child does, excited to go to school or play.  Whatever the day held, I was excited for the most part... I lost a lot of that over the years.  I can get it back though, all I have to do is wake up in the right mindset and start looking for things that excite me, things that give me feelings of passion... That way I will stop measuring myself against others, than I can become the best me...

I want to forgive myself when I don't measure up to what or where I think I should be.  This doesn't mean that I'm not going to practice excellence in whatever I put my heart into... it means that I am not going to put myself down if it takes me bit longer to achieve all my goals.  It is not about how quick you attain a goal, for me it is more about showing myself that I won't give up on myself and I will be loving with myself. 

Basically I don't need a measuring tape anymore...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Holding On To Your Center

Mastin Kipp from the Daily Love always has inspiring people on his blog that give us amazing quotes that really make us really think.

"What's difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us."

- Marianne Williamson



I know that when I open an email from Mastin, it will make me think, ponder, question... which is a great thing for growth.  What I really got from that quote above was that it is not what challenges we have to deal with... it is how we deal with them.  I have long believed this as it is in my bio on Facebook and on my blog.  What I learned here was that it is by holding on to our center that this is what propels us to grow.

It's not that I think we don't have the right to be sad, disappointed, upset....  there are events in life that bring us to our knees and threatens to lose the center of who we are.   It is more about how we bring ourselves back up, by how we refuse to hold on to the event that is just something to bring us down.  I have grown through many of the challenges or trials I have had to deal with, let me tell you, I have been so low that I wondered how I would ever find my way back.

I did though, time and again... I find my way back.  I am stronger for each of these... even grateful at times.  Some events are harder to be grateful for than others... some I still work on.  I have learned a great deal about myself, especially in the past five years.  It has been a little over five years since I found my voice and my backbone and I had Andrey removed from my home.

I fell back into traps but finally freed myself from many of them. What I work on the most is that I want to ignore what other people think of me, I know my worth.  It does not depend on what other people think of me, it is based on what I believe. 

I have gone up and down over the past year or so, wondering about my worth... getting it at times but only to lose it because I failed to really see and understand my true worth.  My David was a big part of this... I tried so hard to figure out what it was that went wrong?  What did I do?  What did I say?.... I had to let this all go and that just because things didn't work out for David and me... this did not reflect on me. 

I didn't do anything, I didn't say anything.... it just didn't work out.  It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me, although believe me... I beat myself up for that for a very long time.  I have been working on being centered... so that I don't let the next trial I have control me or make me think less of myself.  That's what being centered is about... knowing that no matter what happens, I go back to the core.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

For A Dream To Be Realized

I wasn't sure if I would write tonight, I became quite exhausted at 7:00 pm that I fell asleep... I did wake up two and a half hours later... feeling a bit more refreshed.  I am trying to get in a comfortable position on my bed so that I can write with ease... I think I have found the solution.

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."

- Paulo Coelho
I read this quote above from the blog 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp... I feel like it is a metaphor for everything I have gone through and how I want to realize my dream and I want to appreciate the path I took to get there.  If I want to be victorious and I do... I need to expect that I will be severely tested and I think I should be more thankful for that... for with each trial, it gets me closer to having my dream being realized.

It's like the quote about 'Happiness is not the destination, happiness is the journey'.  So many times we say... I will be happy when... I need to be happy now even if I have some trials that seem difficult and overwhelming, I do know in my heart that things will turn out the way they are meant to be.  This knowledge doesn't always make me see my trials in this light as we all have down periods.... until we are able to see again.

This leg of my journey seems like one of hardest roads I have ever followed... and I have survived some REALLY difficult trials and became stronger for them... but for some reason, this one seems like one of my biggest challenges.  But then I think... hmm... one of my biggest challenges will bring me to one of my biggest dreams.  Time to go head on... if I want that dream realized... and I do.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Power Is Within Us

I love this quote above, we all have our own power to change what we want to change.  It also reminded me of what Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love always says about people, he says we are not broken, we do not need to be fixed.  What we need is to gain the knowledge that we are able to make the changes that will make our present and future better. Of course we have no power over some of the trials we have been given but we still make the decision about how we react to the challenges.

I believe that most of us don't want to know that we have that power because if we allow ourselves to believe the truth, we would have to do something about it, we would have to make the necessary changes.  When we don't allow ourselves to know the truth, I think it is so we can sit back and feel like the world is against us, feeling helpless.  That way we can keep feeding our fear with whatever it is that we use to try to make ourselves feel better.

I can see where I fell into this trap in the past but once you gain the knowledge, you can never go back to not knowing it.  So, even when you have a challenge, you start out stronger than you were and when you push through the trial, you end up being stronger than before you went through it.  I think most of us are comfortable with where we are because if we really let ourselves live up to our potential, we would never be able believe how powerful we really can be.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Uncertainty Will Lead To Growth

You weren't made to fall. You weren't made to fail. You were made to learn. To Love and to pick yourself back up. ~ Mastin Kipp

The blog I read by Mastin Kipp from 'The Daily Love' inspires me each time I read it.  There are days that are busy and I end up reading three or four of his blogs at a time because I enjoy his thoughts and take on different ideas.  I love the quote above which says 'You weren't made to fall.  You weren't made to fail.'  So many times we are positive that some factors are trying to break us down but that's not true... The truth is that we all fail at everything the first time we try but we learn from the failure and we get back up and keep going. 

In my own life, just because my romantic relationships have not turned out the way that I knew they were meant to, does not mean it won't or can't happen for me.  Time has a way of helping me see that nothing is impossible, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.  Nothing is a given... just when I think I have it figured out, something comes along to make me realize that Mastin is right, if we want to succeed, we will want to learn. 

Success does not come with one try, success comes with deciding that no matter what life might dish out or how many times we get knocked down that we will get back up and keep on going... only then can success be ours.  As Mastin asks how much uncertainty are you willing to live with, since that is where we grow... if everything is certain, nothing will change.

"I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it is much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers that might be wrong. If we will only allow that, as we progress, we remain unsure, we will leave opportunities for alternatives. We will not become enthusiastic for the fact, the knowledge, the absolute truth of the day, but remain always uncertain ... In order to make progress, one must leave the door to the unknown ajar."

- Richard P. Feynman 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Turning The Page To My Future‏

I need to turn the page on my past, new experiences could be waiting for me....

You would think that the older that we get, the wiser we'd be, I'm still like that teenager inside.  I still cannot believe some of the choices I have made...  I know Mastin Kipp from 'The Daily Love' says we are not broken, nor do we need to be fixed.  I find that so hard to believe about me...

I know I've had amazing and happy times in my life, I have some lovely memories...  I also have deep dark sobbing sorrow, events I want to forget.  I know, I know, I know... those events made me who I am today and changing them could change who I've become.

I don't want to wallow in the sadness, I don't want to feel lost and lonely...  I want to change, I need to feel happiness more than I feel sadness. 

I'm getting a new phone in a few weeks, the first order of business is new music, I swear I have all the saddest love songs on my Blackberry. I don't need anymore assistance in the sad department.  I'm sure the people on the bus wonder about me daily, I'm usually wiping away tears...

I'm turning the page on that last chapter of my life, I just might be pleasantly surprised.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Opening Up To My Purpose

There are days like today where I wish I could just open up and say whatever was on my mind but I think that would be far more information than I'm willing to share about myself yet.  I just need a good long talk with David and I don't know when that might be.

Once he gets back from his exercise he has to go to the hospital for surgery (which I will pray like crazy for him).  Then he'll be recuperating for awhile, I figure we won't be able to have a long conversation for about a month or so.  I'm so NOT good at waiting, hence my need to spill my thoughts somewhere.

I've been so wrapped up in keeping the house clean and organized that I have been neglecting my blogging friends.  By the time I get my blog done, get dishes or laundry done, I then have to pick up the constant clutter that Valentina tends to leave around. I am so exhausted at this point I crawl into bed and pass out.

I really need to find some time to get caught up, I really miss everyone's blogs that I follow, here's a link to a few of my Some Of My Favorite Blogs, there are quite a few more that I have emailed to me.  I learn so much from reading everyone's thoughts and life lessons.  One of the most inspiring blogs that I follow is The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp, he inspires me daily to be the best me.

I'm getting my life more centered on my purpose but there are a few key things I need to work on right now and one of them involves sharing myself totally with someone and I would prefer it was with my 'D'.  He's the least bit judgmental person I know, so I feel comfortable being open with him. 

Sadly of all my family and friends, he is the only one I can be totally honest with, other people are wonderful but not as understanding.  I wish for a time that we could all be understanding of each other and where we realize we all are only human.

Everything Comes Full Circle

 Resilency, not perfection, is the signature of greatness. ~ Jim Collins

My choices have lead me to where I'm at today, not always the best choices, if I'm being honest... very few good choices.   I was always coming from a place of lack.  The exact thing you're not supposed do, lack draws lack to you.

Last night I had an ah ha moment, the kind I had to learn to be able to get to the next level.  It was the worst ah ha moment I ever learned.  I thought for sure I wouldn't get through but I prayed and I sobbed when I prayed.  Then I felt it and it was overwhelming.

I also had read something from Mastin Kipp yesterday from 'The Daily Love'.  He said do you want to win? Or do you want to be right?   I realized I needed to give up the need to be right so that I could win.  That was an eye opening lesson, it made me really think about what I want and need.

I made the gesture to show I'm capable of being the best me.  I can and will change and learn from this lesson.  I won't give up on my dream, I'm just going at it from a different angle. Patience may not be a very strong suit of mine but I'm learning. 

Everything comes full circle, it always has, this will too.  It's the law of life, we are not just given one chance at anything, we are given many, we learn from the first experience and everyone after that until we figure out the key.

I found a key but I'm taking my time and not just using it until the time is right. Everything has their time and place.  Once I'm where my heart desires, I'll take out the key and finally unlock the lock.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

True Friends Want You To Be Yourself

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is."
~Jim Morrison

I love this quote, it is exactly what a friend is to me, I do not try to change my friends to be what I want them to be, I accept and love them for who they are.  I have had many "friends" over the years but until I had reconnected with David, I didn't realize that I didn't have a friend who just loved me for me.  He wasn't out to change me, he wasn't trying to make me see his way.  Also, I just read a blog from Mastin Kipp, "The Daily Love" and he stated what I truly believe, I don't love people for what they can give me, I love them for who they are.  I will love David no matter where life takes me, I don't have limits on our relationship.  I won't stop loving him just because he might not love me that way. 

As painful at it can sometimes be, not having someone love you the way you want... it is so much better to have them in your life than not.   I wish everyone could understand and feel the love of someone who loves you for who you are, truly loves you for who you are and not for what you give them.  I am close to 49 years of age and I finally experienced that kind of love and it has been the most amazing love I have ever had in my life.  I am not saying by any means that it is easy, it's not but I couldn't or wouldn't want to imagine my life without him in it.

When I need someone to be real with me, honest and open, I turn to him.  I don't want someone that will judge me and I don't want someone who will just agree with me.  Last week when I was going through a particularly rough time with work, people were telling me their take on it, they weren't really listening to me.  They thought I was afraid, I am not... I am just not interested, when I talked to David, he saw through it and realized, no... I am not afraid, I am just not interested.  He got it right away, I didn't have to explain myself.

Then he told me the truth, there is no easy answer, it was either make them understand, do what they ask or find something else I love.  There is no simple answer there, there is only truth.  Someone else could tell me the same thing and people did but until he said it because it came from the heart, I didn't listen.   All we really want in the life is to be heard, to be understood and to be loved.

I will love David no matter what, my feelings don't stop just because his are not equal to mine.  I love him for him as I love all my friends.  I love them for who they are and I want people to know that if they come to me from their heart, I will listen... if they are not trying to change me but just love me, I will listen.  I will do the same for them.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about this post, I have had many wonderful friends in my life and I still do but I've never felt this safe with anyone in my life.  I am not afraid to be me, completely and fully.  I want nothing more than to be just myself with him.  I don't think.. should I say this?  or should I say that?  I am just me.  It's the only way I know how to be with him, anything less would mean I was a fake.  



"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." ~ Nate Kay

We're not perfect.  We laugh too hard.  We are way too loud & we are such dorks.  But doing it together is what makes us best friends forever♥

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Right Here And Now

Just because I know what is meant to be doesn't make life any easier, sometimes I think it is harder, which is kind of unfair.  Life is anything but fair though, nor is it easy.  I guess that if it was as easy as we wished it was, we wouldn't have to have faith. This whole weekend has been about having faith.  Nothing is given to us without first putting forth a lot of effort then having faith.

If I were to give up as quickly as the  world thinks I should, where would I be? Not as far along as I am, yet I can always be better.  I need to start having more faith in myself; I really need to believe in myself as my family and friends do.

I have a dream I know I am meant to achieve; it's a big dream.  The kind that is scary but can be so rewarding.  I think that it's one of the reasons that I am not getting my hearts desire at this moment in my life.

For if I did get exactly what I wanted, I wouldn't live up to my full potential.   I would be too content and yes there is such a thing as being too content.  We always need to be stretching ourselves to be better, otherwise we cannot give of ourselves through service.

I read in 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp how we have to be whole so that we attract whole people and that we need to love ourselves and people in our lives as they are right now.  Real and honest love truly is not just loving a persons potential, it is about loving the person where they are now.  I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing potential in the people we love.

Where the problem lies as Mastin says and I believe, is when we become disillusioned with who we love because they cannot see all that we can see.  That is how relationships and marriages end; we seem to refuse to love the people in our lives for who they are right here and now.

Running To, Running From

I've been weepy this morning, not sad just weepy.  I'm on my way to work listening to my music and I heard this song 'Never thought that I could love' (Dan Hill).  It instantly made me think about David; I really had never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love David.  I never in my life thought I could find someone to trust all my inner secrets with.

I told David the other night that if I hadn't been so shy when I was 15, we would have been together then, he laughed and said yes, plus we would have had a dozen children:).  I get pregnant easily and David loves being a daddy, he's amazing.  His children adore him, Valentina likes him and she is particular when it comes to men.

You know what is difficult, when you love someone and you know that you were meant to be together and life or  circumstances get in the way.  I feel like packing up and moving out west to be close to David but I know that's not the answer as much as I want it to be. I have to think of Valentina, she does not need to be uprooted over and over. 

I have to trust and believe that everything will work out the way it was always meant to be.  Prayer has become integral in my life again, I remember when I was 15 and I started praying and I never went to sleep without doing it.  I really talk to my Heavenly Father as if he was in the room with me.  I know that He loves me and he wants me to be happy and He wants me to have good things in my life.

I only pray for good things, so I have to remember to leave it in His hands.  Everything will work out the way it should.  Stressing about it doesn't help, having faith is the only way to succeed.  Well this blog is eye opening in more ways then one for me, here I was writing how I felt like running to David but knew that this was not the answer. 

I saw that the blog I read 'The Daily Love' Mastin Kipp writes had arrived in my in box, I took a moment to read it and he was saying something similar to what I was writing.  If I believe in miracles and I do; then I have to trust that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and that all things will work out according to plan.

Just another answer to my prayers, no running towards what I want.  Everything is exactly what it should be and it will work out the way it is meant to be.  I feel calmer, not so unsettled.  I'm to be an example and I don't want anything part way, I want the temple marriage that is for eternity.  I want nothing less, so I will work on me to be ready.

Letting Go Can Mean Success

I read many amazing and uplifting blogs but one that I read everyday and stands out is, "The Daily Love" by Mastin Kipp.  I 'stumbled' upon it or I would rather say I was inspired to find it:).   It is incredible and positive, it is real, open and honest.  He talks about what has inspired him and then he poses a question about what he's spoken about.

Today he spoke about how we sometimes have to give up what we want most, especially if we are afraid or panicky.  If we are that it must mean there is something so much better out there for us. It's all about trusting God/universe to know what is best for us. He knows better than we know. I did that this week, I realized I was being unbelievably fearful.   That kind of fear that left me not being able to breathe clearly; where I would cry with so much emotional desperation.  Then I was inspired to let the fear go, the fear was holding me back.  I was letting the fear win.

As soon as I really let go, my life changed completely. All in a good way; which made me realize that I was truly holding onto the fear.  Now that I've let go, I see things are better, I needed to go back to the basics, I had complicated the whole thing with worrying.  I'm lighter, I feel free.




I also came to the knowledge that I was selling myself short, as if I wasn't enough.  I'm more than enough, we all are.  The minute that we think we are not enough means we are coming from a place of fear.  There is nothing wrong with knowing we are enough.  I believe it is selfish when we think so little of ourselves.

If you feel inclined, take a moment and read Mastin Kipp's Blog thedailylove.com , I am inspired by him daily.  He makes me think and I have had one aha moment after another.

Coming Through The Dark

I follow a wonderful blog 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp. It seems that he always writes what I need to hear. Last night I wrote about how I feared the next step in my life as it means opening myself up to everyone and possibly being ridiculed and judged.  Mastin's blog today was, 'Could the darkest moments in our lives be a huge gift?' Being raped by Andrey was a dark moment but it wasn't my darkest moments. The darkest moments were how I dealt with the rape. I went inward, I did a lot of things that most people wouldn't understand, people would judge me.

Unless you have been raped or demeaned for many years as I was, you could never understand how much a woman hates herself, thinking that she must have done something to deserve it.  It's not true though, I didn't do anything to deserve it, I had only allowed myself to believe I was not enough. When a person hates their selves they do anything and everything to feel better inside, at least that's what we think we are doing. Instead we are doing things that hurt us more and make us feel even more unworthy. We come to a point of not caring and just getting in deeper.

It's not until you find something or someone in your life that shows you the truth you've tried so hard to find.  My truth came when David came back into my life and he told me often that I was incredibly wonderful. Even when he knew everything I've done to 'try' to make it better. Instead of judging me and turning away, he understood why I did what I did.  He didn't say it was right but he didn't judge, he just loved me and reminded me often that I'm not my past, I'm better than that. He's right, once I saw that, I changed my life around by a full 180 degrees and I did it quickly.

David would and has said to me many times that he didn't do anything to get me to where I am today. He's wrong though I needed him to show me the way, although I had many people in my life attempting to show this to me, it was not until he came along that I really believed.

My darkest moments of how I dealt with the rape is actually my greatest gift. I know that I must write of what I did in the future so that it can help other women who are feeling what I've felt. I hope and pray I'm strong enough. I am so blessed in my life and I'm incredibly grateful for all the lessons I've learned, even the dark ones. Without these lessons I could not be as empathetic or compassionate as I am. I have learned not to judge other people because of what I've gone through.

It's sad that I had to learn the lesson the hard way but I did learn it and I pray other people will learn an easier way, maybe from hearing my story. We are beautiful, strong and loving people; we deserve the best and we should never judge people on their pasts.  We should only see their divine potential and help them find it in themselves.

Creating My Passion

 Living with passion is your divine birthright! Go forth and create the life you desire. ~ Stephanie Marrone

I am SO grateful that I have Valentina, she's one of those early risers and cheerful about it. Last night my Blackberry shut off which meant no alarm clock for me. The wonderful thing was that my sweet daughter came into my room just after 6:00 am to ask me if I was getting up.

I then had a mad rush to get ready but without her I wouldn't have woken up until Cindy got there at 7:30 am. So because of my sweet daughter I was still able to get everything done (though I was rushed) then I was able to still walk. I'm very, very lucky that she is such an easy going child. Not sure I could handle a high maintenance child at my age, lol.

On my way to work and then another 15 minute walk, this will become second nature for me before I know it. Then I'll have to figure out how to incorporate more exercise; one step at a time, no need to rush. I'm on the right path now, I just need to enjoy the good in it.

I have missed having the time to read novels, this was one of my huge passions. It still is if I could find an author to be goo goo over; in the mean time I get my reading in by checking out blog after blog. There are so many talented people in this world and I feel blessed to live in this internet age where I can read so many of them over the world.

So, I've decided tonight that I am only allowed one hour for reading and commenting on blogs. One hour for studying my CPA and one hour to work on David's present. Also, I will do this tomorrow and on Saturday and Sunday I will double up everything up. That way I will have David's gift finished and ready to mail; I'll also be ahead in my CPA and I will also get to read and comment on many blogs.

I've been reading so many blogs from women who can't seem to give up the toxic men in their lives. I know I was one of them, I refuse to accept anything less now. It's too bad I wasted so much time on men that didn't deserve me. I'm not saying they were bad men, they just were not good for me. Some people just are not good for us, we need to recognize this and move on from them.

I think we're always afraid that there won't be another guy out there for us, that is fear talking and not the least bit true. As the quote says 'Raise your standards and you will rise along with them'. Remember how wonderful and special you are. We deserve to be loved and to have someone we truly love in our lives.

I had an interesting incident that happened today, most people would let it break them, I decided it was a mindful smack as Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love would say.  It is time for me to stop accepting less from myself than I have and to excel the way I'm supposed to. I am giving up the fear and I am going to be completely passionate about what I really want and I will soar above everything that everyone thinks I am capable of; watch  me fly.