I Had And Have A Choice

I'm going to talk about something that happened at church Sunday, I rarely discuss my religion on the blog and I'm not really going to start today... but I needed to explain how I was emotionally touched and it came from a lesson there.

It was about how we needed to listen and follow a certain path if we really wanted to be happy. I knew what they meant but it brought up emotions that I wasn't able to deal with as well as I had hoped... I broke down crying. I wanted to share my feelings with the other ladies there but I wondered if it would be too much for them.

This was because I thought about the many paths that I have followed in the past, many of them dark and empty, all because I was looking for peace and happiness. None of those paths I chose brought this to me, when a challenge came up in the past, I wasn't always strong enough to make the right choices...

I was dealing with the aftermath of my trials and my choices ended up having me fall deeper into darkness. There would be times I would have some clarity here and there, where I'd turn things around but none of them were real life changes as the next trial that would come along, I would fall back into old patterns.

I don't think most people knew how far I fell... it wasn't pretty, there were times I was out of control, so out of control... I couldn't even admit it to myself. It wasn't until this Christmas past that I gained a clarity that I had not felt for many years, where I came to understand that I could not continue on those paths... as I knew that no matter how hard I tried to cover the pain, it wasn't working anymore.

With that clarity came more trials then even I thought possible ... there has been incredible opposition but I knew this would happen as I can I see the trials for what they are and I am making other choices... ones that don't involve hurting myself anymore ... choices that are helping me to see even more clearly.

I remembered of course that I'm just human, I made mistakes, I will make more... ones that are hard to live with, ones that formed my future and although I can move forward and make better choices which I plan to and I have... I still have to live with the choices from the past.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in true forgiveness and I have forgiven myself for the poor choices I made... most of them out of sheer sadness and depression... some made because I was beyond exhausted from lack of sleep and I knew of no other way at the time.

Regardless of the reasons,  I understand I was a hostage to my choices and that even though I had once thought I was free because I could make them, I was actually more unhappy because of them... Changing those choices brought me a freedom I needed.

I'd like to say that it is easier now but that's not so... but like that quote about it not being easy but it being worth it.. I believe that now. The greatest thing I learned was that I had and have a choice...

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Challenges Can Turn Into Rewards

I wondered what would get me out of the funky mood I was in... I almost made one of the biggest mistakes of my life because I was sad... I forgot to remember that the future isn't written yet and I can change the outcome by changing my present.  Luckily I was prompted not to make a decision and I actually listened to it... believe me I am one of those people that usually has to be hit by brick to hear those promptings.

If I hadn't listened I could have hurt two people, one of them being me.  I am NOT the kind person that tries to or wants to hurt anyone... I am the girl who will do whatever she can not to hurt or upset another person. Even when people hurt me, I don't look for ways to hurt them...  I usually just let it go and move on, mainly because I don't think it is for me to even the score, it is for me to forgive. If you read my blog regularly, you know that I don't hold malice or anger towards people that have either intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. 

I will tell you this though, look out if you hurt my family or my very good friends, that is where I need to learn to forgive.  I have a problem with anyone who could hurt someone I love and it makes me cry, the people that are my family or my close friends are good and kind people and when I see someone go out of their way to cause any pain to them, it takes everything within me not to lash out at them. I know I need to learn to be more forgiving that way but for me, that is the hardest one.

I keep reminding myself that it is not up to me to dole out punishment... It just hurts me so much more when someone that I love is being hurt over and over and they are a good and kind person that does not deserve to be continually hurt.  I don't know what to tell these people who no matter how loving and wonderful they are that unfortunately challenges are a part of life. With me, most times I can handle the challenge, it is usually because of a choice I have made in the past.

I guess why I get so angry at people that hurt my family or close friends is because not everyone can see that forgiveness is the only way to heal and letting it go... I know this and believe I feel grateful for that knowledge I can't give that knowledge to anyone, they have to learn that on their own.  So I become sad because they are sad or hurt or angry and I want to do whatever I can to take that pain away for them... however; I can't... I just have to be there for them...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Sometimes All We Need Is To Listen

My head is all over the place, I can't seem to focus my mind... I have been writing one post after the other today, just to delete them.  I was going to write last night but I decided to read all the blogs I follow first, than I fell asleep, exhausted from all the emotional changes that are happening in my life.  I know that some of them are good but it is still hard to not be emotional about them. I know the move will end up being good once I can secure another apartment, it is just the limbo that is scary there.

Other changes that are happening are not as easy to deal with....  I can guess how people are going to react since some people have already reacted and I just don't want to hear what they have to say... I don't want to hear it will get easier with time, it's for the best, it's the right thing...  It's none of these for me... it's hard, it's emotional....It makes me cry... 

I have already heard, it could be worse...  and they bring up some awful story of someone dealing with some horrible challenge.  I know that, I know that it could be worse... I have dealt with a lot of difficult challenges from dealing with being burned in a fire as a child to being physically and emotionally abused as a child, to being in an abusive marriage... than being raped by him.  So I know what a difficult challenge is... I almost feel like they don't think I have the right to be sad about this... I see them shaking their head and saying oh LuLu (my nick name) so and so is dealing with this or that.

I want everyone to stop and understand one thing... we are all dealing with one difficult challenge after another, the last thing we should be doing is saying to someone that what they feel is silly and unimportant... it's important to that person.  I really believe that when we tell people that their feelings don't matter that this can damage the person, where they end up internalizing their feelings instead of expressing them.  We need to release the pain and there should be a safe non judgmental place to do this.

I become so frustrated when I say how I feel and someone wants to tell me how lucky I am that this all I have to deal with... really???  That saying about how we should never seek to judge another person unless we have walked in their shoes comes to mind.  I have almost come to the point that I won't say how I feel to certain people, I will just lie and say it's great, that is all they want to hear...

I personally want to hear the truth, even if I may not think it is important, I empathize, I let people feel and say what they need to... I don't stop them and say... that's all?  This doesn't make me a better person or more in tune... it just means I am willing to hear someone out and try to understand even if I don't completely understand myself...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Fear Can Be A Good Intuition

I read a book called 'The Gift Of Fear' in the mid eighties... I never forgot the message of the author.  What it stated was that women have a tendency to be too nice and most of all we don't listen to our own intuition.  We think we are being silly or rude, so we ignore our own feelings.

About a year after I read the book, I was coming home in a taxi.  We drove by two guys walking away from my building... I suddenly had a feeling to have my keys out and be ready to get into my building.  No sooner did I think that and I saw the two guys turn back towards my building.

I felt a healthy fear that made me calmly and quickly enter my building, the door usually closed slowly but something told me to take a moment and push it shut.  I raced to my apartment, entered and then stood behind the door listening.

Within a moment I heard two mens voices in the hall... one of them said 'Where did she go so quickly?' and the other one sounded just as bewildered.  I was standing behind the door shaking, realizing that I had felt fear and I had listened to myself even though I thought it was silly and I was grateful for that.

I have had a few of these incidents in my life... I was always grateful when I listened to my inner intuition.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Listen, You Are Beautiful

This is going to be a quick post, it has been a very long day... I had the VON come in to look at my skin graft, Cindy came down with Valentina, a dear friend came over to help me clean up a little and another brought me dinner.  I haven't really rested today, so my body is taking over and telling me... get some rest.

I just wanted to touch base and tell everyone, I am so catching up on all my blogs still, it is almost 3 weeks worth.  Where my computer is situated it is difficult for me to sit too long to type.  So, I need to lay up on my bed and just relax for a while.

I am a little disappointed with myself, although I know I am only human... I expect so much more from myself...  I have been allowing stress to take our my life, I have been pushing myself a little too much and I really need to listen to my body.

I read this quote above after having an interesting experience today... which reminded me of the incident... I ran to the washroom to brush my teeth, when I looked in the mirror, I had no make-up, my hair was in a high pony tail and I was still in my nighty... but I really looked at myself and thought... I am pretty... I don't always think this of myself... I am often critical.  I really looked at myself though, I have nice shaped eyes, I have great lips, full and shaped like a bow and I have wonderful hair, long and thick... Usually I have to have my hair done and make up on and all dressed up to see myself this way.  Today though... I what I saw was beautiful to me.  We all need to do that once and a while, really look at ourselves and love ourselves.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

We Need To Listen To Ourselves

Today I went to work, or should I say I limped and cried my way to work.  I have had terrible pain in my legs for the past 5 days.  I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what was different?  This pain could not have just came out of the blue.... all of a sudden I thought about all my symptoms which are ones that I have had in very small degrees and then I pieced it all together and a light bulb came on.  My doctor had just upped my dosage on a pill I was taking about two weeks ago.  I went on their website to look at the side effects... there was my main side effect... 

I stayed at work for as long as I could but finally I couldn't handle the pain any longer and I had to leave.  My boss drove me to the main bus depot, cutting off an hour of my travel (thank you Stephanie).  I got to the hospital in about 30 minutes, they took me in immediately and I saw a doctor that fast.  I than had blood taken and the waiting game began.  Four and half hours later, a new doctor came in, she said my blood work looked great and that she believed that it was the pill I was taking, especially after I explained I had been having very minor symptoms before... I am off that pill for now... hopefully they give me something else.

 I have to tell you, I was never so frightened in my life.  I have no strength in my legs, I could make myself stand and walk but it was beyond painful.  I was messaging everyone, people kept me entertained thankfully.  My 'D' kept texting back and forth with me and kept it positive, once I heard back from the doctor, I thanked him for just listening to me complain about the pain and especially my fears.  He was all good about it, he totally understood and said it was his pleasure.

 My Cindy kept Valentina for me, Cindy and I kept in close contact messaging back and forth too... I really am a people person, I need contact.  I would have gone silly crazy in that room for over four and half hours without my blackberry to keep contact with the outside world... lol. 

What I wanted to say here is that we all need to listen to our body... I knew there was something off, I knew it wasn't just some random thing happening to me.  I investigated it and I made sure the doctors listened to me.  I didn't phoo phoo it...  none of us should let something go when we ourselves know that something is off with us.  We are the only ones who really know our own body's, I am grateful that when the prompting, thought... whatever you want to call it came to me.  I listened, really listened and then I did something about it.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Learning To Love

I saw this quote on Susanna's blog Behind My Eyes .  She is the Latter Day Saint teenager who lives in Finland who has inspired me each time I read her posts for the past 9-10 months.  These are all simple, yet very true ways to bring love into your life.

I also read an article on how if we missed hugs or love when we were children that we need to just hug people until we feel comfortable with it and the same goes about love.... this goes for about anything.  I know this is true when I was overwhelmed with how my home was out of control.  I kept saying, I wish I had the energy to get it organized, I just had to take the first step and start, I kept moving forward and my home finally became a place where I can feel pleased and grateful and I did it all with taking the first step.

I have started using this process in many aspects of my life, with work, I am just taking on cases that normally I would beg someone else to handle, now I am making the time to understand how something works.  I am also using it with exercise, I am putting the effort forward to walk as much as possible, so that I will be ready to pick up running when I am given the green light from the doctor.

I am going to start watching TV again soon and I am making it mandatory to exercise in some way to have the privilege of being able to watch any shows... believe me, I will really have to want to watch the show as I know I won't want to exercise for 3-5 hours per day.  I think I might be good for an hour... or less!  Then again, the more TV I watch the thinner I will get... lol.

I was truly inspired by the quote above, I really think if we all took one or two of these items each day and worked on making them a part of our lives that before you know it, love would be a huge part of us.  The more we love, the more we draw love to us...  So pick a couple, listen (without interrupting), speak (without accusing), give (without sparing), pray (without ceasing), answer (without arguing), share (without pretending), enjoy (without complaint), trust (without wavering), forgive (without punishing), promise (without forgetting).

I am going to enjoy without complaining and give without sparing to start with, I plan to add to these as I move forward.  I know I will have challenges and trials, I am going to work on remembering that trials will help me grow.  That is not so easy while I am going through a challenge but I am going to make a concerted effort to remind myself daily.

I have a very large challenge in front of me, I am requesting any prayers or positive thoughts.  I am more than willing to do the same for anyone who needs prayers or positive thoughts as well. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield