One Moment At A Time

I am not one to make resolutions for the New Year, as I find that most times it is just a set up for failure.  I do believe in setting goals, I just don't like doing it at a set time... for me, I just have to do it when I am ready, the day doesn't really matter.  I actually find the more I think of making a change in my life, the more I find excuses not to...

I have had plenty of challenging years but truthfully who has not? No one has an easy or perfect life, it just doesn't exist. As much as we get upset about the trials we encounter, they have the ability to make us better, stronger more empathetic. Believe me when I say that many challenges make absolutely no sense and actually leaves us wondering why we would have to deal with it. However; given time, I usually have come to understand why. 

When Andrey raped me over 8 years ago, I crawled into a shell, I lost my voice... but then I started writing to get it back... I made questionable choices because of the emotional pain I was going through. I am not going to say that I am happy I was raped but I gained a strength I was not aware that I had and I gained an empathy for other people that went through this and other tragedies.  

I have been reflecting on the insanity of this past year, wondering what I need to learn from it, the answers don't always come instantly, sometimes they take a great deal of time. I do know that I ended the year on brighter note, I had a lovely Christmas and I am feeling so relaxed now that I am working at home...  I do have a goal which is an ongoing one, I want to be healthy again... I believe that I was given the opportunity to work at home so that I would have the time to work on regaining my health, for this, I am incredibly grateful.

I feel like the last year of my life had me going backwards with my health, I miss how physically fit I was. I read the first quote by Tony Robbins where he said that making a decision in a moment can change the course of our lives... It had me thinking about the many times in my life where I was standing on the edge of change, questioning if I would be able to leap off and trust that I wouldn't fail. Often I looked over the edge and come up with excuses why leaping might not be the best thing to do... Ultimately, I made the decision to go with it, it was only then that I understood it was never as hard as I believed it would be... which makes me question why I keep holding myself back... 

 

The main thing I want to take away from my trials throughout the years is that no matter how difficult they may be, I am strong enough to handle them. I need to remember that while I am right in the middle of a challenge, there is always a way through. Nothing is permanent. Life is so much shorter than we truly know, with the passing years I have come to appreciate the moment I am in... As all we have is one moment at a time... 

I want to wish all my blog friends throughout the world a very Happy New Year, I hope it brings love, joy and gratitude ...💗💗💗

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I Need To Stop Fearing The Answer

I've been in an off mood this past week, I wasn't even sure why... tonight it came to me, although I love the Fall season, I am literally unhappy that Winter will be following. I cannot think of any real redeeming qualities of that season. The only one that even remotely comes to mind is that it makes me appreciate every other season that follows it much more... I don't like being house bound, nor wearing so many clothes I feel like a snowman, or fearing the ice that could have me fall and hurt myself.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't even allowing myself to think about it but with the cool air reminding me that it's not too far off and seeing the year flying by at the speed of light has brought last years memories back. I honestly thought of moving somewhere, anywhere, as long as there was not massive ice there. I know that all places have their downfalls, nowhere is perfect and for the most part I do enjoy living where there are four seasons... just not where one of the seasons drags on for more months than I care to think about. 

When this time of the year comes, with the time change, less daylight... less chance to enjoy the outdoors, it leaves me edgy. I already miss that I could take off at 9:00 at night and walk for an hour... I especially miss that I didn't need any sort of jacket. I need to be able to just get up and go, it always clears my mind and when I can't I feel muddled... which leaves me off balance, if that makes any sense. This week I was eating food that I normally wouldn't eat, I realized it was my way of not dealing with a question I have, one I don't want to hear the answer to... Last night I reminded myself that not dealing with it would only cause other issues, eating poorly isn't the answer.

Finding out the answer whether I want to hear it or not is the only way to deal with it... because although I am still exercising a lot, I know that I cannot exercise my way out of a bad diet. Thankfully, I don't allow myself to stay in that place of denial like I used to, although I fear the answer I don't want to fear it enough to give up what I have worked so hard to attain. Besides, although I don't want to hear the answer, it probably isn't as awful as I think, it rarely is, right...?

I'm struggling right now, most people don't want to hear that and I understand, I think it's because most of us are struggling and we want to hear good and uplifting things so that we can believe that there is a way through. Well, even though I am struggling I do believe that it will get better because it always has... however; I still have to go through low, challenging trials where I have to put in the work to get to where I want to be...

Though I know change is inevitable and ultimately good for me, it still isn't easy to see the good that will eventually come from it... Today as I spoke with some friends, I was reminded that all those difficulties and challenges that I dealt with in the past taught me strength and empathy... maybe the question I have been afraid to ask is the very thing that will make me stronger when I am finally willing to accept the answer I fear...

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Conquering The Pitfalls With Love

I wanted to write about how I'm handling the food part of my life with having to fit in sleep, exercise, work, family, friends, cleaning, relax time... It is not easy to juggle this ALL the time. I am one of the lucky ones when it comes to food, I LOVE healthy food, if I could afford to eat a large salad twice a day, I would but I only eat it once a day. Even though I adore healthy food, there are still pitfalls, I have times I just want a different flavor.

That does not mean I will fall into my old habits because I may go up and down 10 pounds or so, from time to time. Because I really 'got' it a year ago when I changed my life and my eating habits; I don't feel the desire to eat those foods all the time like I used to, I may eat them once every six months or so.

The other thing is that I love myself at the weight I am, even if I gained weight, I'd love myself, my worth is not tied up in my weight. The weight loss and exercise is to be healthy, I was completely out of shape... I was 49 years old and I was 90 or so pounds over weight. I didn't like where my life was... I think it was when I lost 25 pounds when it hit me that I didn't have to lose another pound to love myself and to know my worth. I wanted to continue to lose the weight to get healthier.

 

I could feel the change in me with all the exercise and the discipline I had grown to have over myself, it was because I loved myself and I had other people rooting me along. If I had a fall which I have from time to time... maintaining is one of the hardest things to do, losing the weight was far easier. When I have a hiccup from time to time, I don't berate myself because I am human and I slip up, I am not perfect.

The thing I most appreciate and love about my friends and readers is that you are supportive, understanding and you encourage me. I am really grateful for that, I wish that we could all have that support system.... let's all be each others support system, cheering each other on and helping each other up when we fall.  Coming here, writing my thoughts in the blog helps to remind me why I am so committed to eating healthy and exercising. I am important enough to make the effort and so are you.

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Back, Refreshed And Ready To Work On My Goals

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am back, back to social media, back to blogging.  I think I just needed a short break to clear my head and get my priorities straight.  When I originally took the break it was to take the time to look for an apartment, after discussing this with Cindy, I have decided to wait until after the new year.  She is right, I have had too many changes in the last few months and I am still working on getting healthy, plus Christmas is around the corner.  It's probably best not to be in the middle of packing when I am trying to have Christmas for Valentina.  So, that is on the back burner for now, I will revisit that in January or February, I will be more settled with other things in my life too.

I should actually be at or very near my goal weight by February and then I will just be maintaining it... I say that like it will be an easy thing, not... I don't have delusions about that, I am sure I will yo-yo up and down with five or ten pounds until I figure out how many calories I should be eating and how much I need to exercise. I am up for the challenge though, I know I never what to go back to where I was and I really enjoy all my new exercise.  I went out to Zumba class last night, I arrived early enough that I was able to walk the track for thirty some minutes, it felt amazing... I have not been walking as much as I used to as I had chosen Zumba and swimming.

Well, last night proved that I missed walking and it truly is my forte... I have decided that I will definitely be walking more.  I adore Zumba but because I don't know all the steps and some of them I am unable to do because of my knees, I don't feel that I get the best workout there.  I am still going to go but I am going to be walking the track for thirty minutes before I take my Zumba class, that way I will get a decent work out. Besides I want to do more 5K's in the future and eventually I would like to do a 10K.

I will start back to commenting on the blogs I follow tonight, however; I am not going to be able to comment on every single one of them, especially if they are daily blogs.  I will read them all, I have still been reading them while I took my break but I just figured out that I follow well over 200 blogs just on Bloglovin alone, it is near impossible for me to keep up with them all with comments. I do love to comment though and I will comment when I can, I just wanted you all to know that I have been reading them while I was off, I usually read them on my phone while I was on my long bus ride too and from work, so it made the time pass and I was entertained.

I also want to thank each of you for your comments and the readers who actually take the time to read my blog.  I truly appreciate it as I know it can be time consuming.  I have somethings I want to write but I will save that for another time... Suffice to say the time off brought a lot of changes and I came to an understanding about something that I was concerned about, I am not concerned about it any longer.  I don't have to be concerned, that is wasting my energy and I need all of my energy to work towards each of my goals.

Kindness Begins With Me

Kindness beings with me ♥

I have been thinking about the way we treat each other... I know that I have been guilty of taking on other peoples moods, however; there have been those times that I have turned it around and by the time the encounter is over, the person has taken on my mood. I believe it all begins with kindness and it begins with me... I am going to make a concerted effort to not let other peoples moods change mine. 

My day goes better when I don't allow other peoples bad emotions to dictate mine.  I deal with clients at my job and I have found that when I show a bit of kindness for whatever issue they have, they have shown great gratitude and actually thanked me for my kind attitude.  I have to say those calls are the best, the ones where I felt I made someones day. 

I have had those people when I have had to call in for an issue... where I might not have been in the happiest mood but they show me a little kindness and by the time the call is over, I have adopted there good mood. What we really need to remember and when I say we... I really mean me, we are all dealing with a lot, if we can remember that and show a little kindness, we could actually make someones day a bit brighter.

I am going to remember this the most with my family and friends... this is where I need to start being more aware of my mood, the more kind I am with the people close to me, the more they will feel like spreading that kindness to others.  I am not a Pollyanna... I am aware there are people I will deal with that no matter how kind I am, they will not change their attitude.  That's okay, what I am saying is that I want to continue to be kind in spite of their attitude... we are all dealing with many battles.  I want kindness to begin with me.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Your Attitude Can Change Your Day If You Let It

Today was one of those days that started out on a bad foot but turned around before the end of the day.  First, I had a tough time waking up this morning, I kept laying in bed dozing... waking up... dozing... finally I got up.  I attempted to get into gear to get ready for work, at 6:00 am I received a text from Cindy, she was having health issues and not able to come down to take Valentina to school but she had someone that we knew close by that could take Valentina to school... So, I kicked it into high gear and my sweet little girl helped me get ready quickly enough to leave on time.

I dropped Valentina off to the sitters and headed off to catch my bus... well, this is where it all went wrong.  Making my way to the bus stop, I suddenly flew into the air and landed hard on my butt and back, I smacked the back of my hand against the concrete.  I pulled myself together, got to the bus stop...  hopped on the bus (well, not really hopped since I am using a cane due to my leg still healing); next thing I looked down and my bag I was carrying my lunch in was dripping.  I looked inside and there was my lunch wide open in the plastic bag (chili). 

Can I say I was frustrated and I wanted to cry right on the spot.  I decided to get off the bus at the mall to throw out my lunch since it was dripping everywhere.  I ended up waiting for the next bus... So, I got to work and found out that we were all getting a free lunch at work today, they do this occasionally in year end (I am in payroll), I was pleasantly surprised.  I made it home and a really sweet lady from my church messaged me that she wanted to drop by, I said sure...

When she came by she had prepared dinner for me, can I tell you how sweet this was and how special I felt.  This young mother of two darling children had taken the time to prepare a lovely meal for Valentina and myself.  Although I am sore and sure that it will take some time to heal, my mood is already 100% better than it was this morning... all it took was me not freaking out and getting upset.  I'm grateful that I didn't let one nasty fall ruin my day.

This just goes to prove to me now more than ever that although there are events that happen in our lives that could bring us down... we just have to relax, you never know what's around the corner, in my case really nice things. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

More Of This Please‏

"Every time you appreciate something; every time you praise something; every time you feel good about something, you are telling the Universe: "MORE OF THIS, PLEASE!" You need never make another verbal statement of this intent and, if you are mostly in a state of appreciation, all good things will flow to you."
- Esther Abraham-Hicks

I appreciate my children, they are wonderful, caring, kind and loving girls.  Although I am not speaking to my oldest daughter at the moment (her choice, not mine), I think of her daily.  I pray for her and her beautiful family.  My youngest is so soft hearted she loves me, sometimes more than I feel I deserve.

 I am grateful for my friend Cindy who has always been there for me, even though I'm sure I've frustrated her on many occasions over our many years of being friends. She amazes me with her love for children, she rarely tires of them with their endless chatter and bountiful energy.  She has so much patience with them, especially with my Valentina.  I credit Cindy with giving her a strong foundation. 

I am so thankful for my close friendship with David. Although it has been a really tough year for both of us, he has been there for me and centered me when most people would have given up on me. I pushed the envelope with him on countless occasions, almost pushing him totally away but thankfully we remain as close as ever. I so desperately want to be there for him as he is and has been there for me.  I adore how much my David  loves his children, he's an amazing daddy!

I love that quote at the top of the page, I'm going to take every free moment that I have, praising the people in my life, being endlessly grateful for each of them.  I want the universe and my Heavenly father to know that I want more of these people in my life.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Living And Growing From My Decisions

I had a lovely lesson yesterday that truly resonated with me. For the past few years, probably more,  I haven't been taking care of my money.  I have just been winging it, never keeping track, these past 3 weeks I've really buckled down and started following a budget. 

For close to 10 years I've walked into the grocery store, filled the cart without thinking but I've come to the point that I'm not able to do this any longer, besides I have wasted food which really upsets me that I bought like that and then thrown it away.  That's disgraceful when there are people starving.

So, I've had a weekly budget that I've been following and although food is expensive, I buy what I need and I buy pretty healthy food. Lots of vegetables and fruit. I thought I might have to do without but that's not the case, I'm just much more careful and less wasteful. That feels good, I'm on the right path.

I guess this all came from living on a very tight budget while raising my oldest daughter and feeling as if I was limited. Then when I started working two jobs, I felt like I had the right to shop willy nilly, I had worked hard for that.  That was me not respecting my money, I was thoughtless.

I don't have a huge salary but I certainly make a decent wage and I should be better off than I am, not always just getting by.  Well the lesson today was that even if I am blessed with abundance doesn't mean I should waste it, maybe I should even be more frugal.

Just because I make a good salary doesn't mean I should spend, spend, spend... for once in my life I should actually be able to save for something that I want.  The lesson I learned was simple...  just because I have doesn't mean I should spend.  It's like what we do for our children, when I had very little money, I made sure that my oldest daughter had big Christmases and I always made sure she had lots of money for clothes the first day of school.  This wasn't truly appreciated by her though... she would come back to me and say things like... Is this all there is?  or... I don't have enough money for what I want.

With Valentina, I decided to be different, I rarely spend a great deal of money on her and she is one of the most grateful and thankful little girls I have ever known.  She loves whatever I give her and she beams because I gave it to her.  She also has chores to get her allowance, she never questions this, she does the chores.

I didn't do this with my oldest because I was raised in a crazy household where we had no allowance and we had chores... which would have been fine if my ex step mother Ruth hadn't been so insane in that we had to be perfect or get slapped for not doing it perfect.  When I tell people how Ruth was, they often wonder how I lived with someone who was so insane.  As a child we have no choice.. I wonder what my father was thinking? 

So with my oldest I did a 180 degree turn and had her do nothing but give her everything, definitely not the way to go, she wasn't grateful, she didn't feel thankful, she felt like I didn't do enough.  That was my fault, I raised her that way, I allowed her to become that way, just so I wouldn't be like Ruth.  I was more like my oldest daughter's sister than I was her mother.  With Valentina, I am her mama... I make the decisions for her while she is young, I am open to listening to her but ultimately I make the final decision. 

I went down a long dark path after my oldest daughter grew up and when I met Andrey; it took me until almost a year ago to realize that I had chosen that path and now I have chosen another path, one where I am more in control of where I am headed (since we are never completely in control).  I cannot say it is easy but I can say that it makes me happier that I have made better decisions.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Can Stop Blaming Myself Now

I have had a massive epiphany tonight, I got the answer to a question.  I so desperately want to talk to my David to tell him.  He thought we had discussed it and I couldn't remember but tonight I remember that we did talk about it but it was at a time I was quite upset.

I heard what he said but I didn't take it in, tonight I replayed that conversation and the answer was right there.  I always thought it was because of me that it didn't work out.  I thought it was my scars or that I was overweight, it had nothing to do with me, it was all to do with him.

I took on the blame for our relationship not working when I didn't do anything wrong.  By holding onto the blame, I was unable to replay the conversation that held the key, until tonight.

I'm happy to remember it finally, it helps me to think better thoughts of myself, where I have been so mean to myself lately.  I've been least loving to myself, that's going to change.

I don't know how I can be so happy and so sad at the same time.  I'm happy to finally have that answer but I'm sad because I have this great desire to share this with my best friend and I can't right now.

Hopefully soon, I really pray.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Whole Picture

Tomorrow's my birthday and truthfully I wish I was spending it with someone special, only one person could fulfill that wish and he's too far away... for now...  Most people don't like their birthdays as it means we're getting older.  I actually have started enjoying mine more as each year reminds me of how important and fleeting life is, it makes me sit back, reflect and appreciate where I'm at in my life.

I've come so far, much further than I ever though I could.  Which makes me know that anything and I do mean anything is possible.  If I can overcome all the negative thing in my past (and there have been many things), anything is possible.  I don't say that easily, I know there are many people who have had to and are now dealing with things that seem unbearable.  I'm not making light of those things.

I'm just saying that life has thrown me some major curves, the kind that would break most people, life can bend me and twist me but it'll never break me. Everyone says I'm strong, especially my David and although sometimes I don't want to be strong, I'm ultimately grateful that I am. 

There has to come a time in everyone's life when we decide that no matter what happens, we're not giving up.  That time for me is now, I see the big picture, not the small one that is here right now.  The long term big picture where life is sweeter than anything I've ever dreamed.   It's available to all of us, we just have to believe and hold on because life is meant to enjoy and have joy.

 I had another set back tonight, I could have literally fallen apart but nothing is written in stone, things could change, the future hasn't been written yet. I refuse to allow myself to be sad just because life throws me a curve.  I won't just survive this, I will thrive and become stronger.

At this rate, with all my set backs, disappointments... I should be the strongest person ever.  All I can say is wow... one day I will look back on all of this and smile... there is a reason.   I even think I know the reason, which makes this set back easier... not simple, just easier.  I can see the whole picture, which makes it easier to stay on track and not let go... just because.....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Joy In My 40's

 I belong to a number of blogging networks, as most of us do.  Last weekend, one of them called bloggers.com chose mine to be one of the top 3 for that day.  I feel grateful that I was actually chosen out of all the wonderful bloggers that are on that site.  We all want to be recognized for what we do, so that we know and feel we are seen, we matter!

I read a number of blogs and comment regularly, this last week has been tough as I have committed to not commenting through the week, I love reading blogs and commenting but I really do need to spend more time with my children.  Next week after my CPA exam, I'll be free of that stress, so I will be more flexible.  I'm so excited.

I wanted to say something about the blogs I read, I choose to follow ones that give a piece of themselves in their blogs. I love hearing all of their dreams and desires, some of them I have become Facebook friends. We are more alike than we are different in this world.  I follow all ages, a few of the one's I follow are younger women in their early 20's; I feel for them, I remember how confused I was at that age.

It really wasn't until the past 3-5 years that I came into my own (I still have my days).  Because it's been so recent, I haven't forgot how mixed up and out of control I was when I was younger.  I'd love to talk to my younger self to just tell her that everything works out the way it's supposed to and not to worry so much.

Also, the "things" you worry about in your 20's mean nothing to you in your 40's.  Broken hearts mend and we learn to love again.  The biggest lesson I learned was that I needed to forgive people that have hurt me, they were just coming from a lack of love, I don't want to hold on to their lack of love and pain. 

Mostly I've learned to be tolerant and less judgmental.  We all have our stories and baggage that can be difficult to deal with but all of it makes us who we are.  Without some of that baggage we may not have learned some of the lessons we needed to learn.

Also life is all about how we chose to take it.  Believe me I could crawl under the covers and cry non stop if I let myself.  I don't because I don't want sadness to own me forever.  Besides feeling some sadness allows you to feel joy and know the difference.  You appreciate it more.

Making Changes For Me

I completed my CPA questions and assignment, wooo.  Two more chapters and then the final, I'll be a really happy girl.  I'm already happy, I just want the tension gone from worrying about assignments.

I even feel better about David, I'm still taking time to heal, I have to.  I don't want to be crying every second day.  Even though he and I are soul mate best friends; it would be tiring for him to just hear me cry or know I was sad all the time.

I know that taking this time will heal me so that I can be best friends with him. I want him in my life but I want to be happy about it, I don't want to live in the past and with the memories.  The past is just that, the past.

I only have today, I have things in my life that I need to fix then we will see where the future leads.  I want the whole package or I want nothing.  As sad as I would be for not having romantic love in my life, I'll deal with it.

With my CPA course I haven't been able to read my blogs, I'm catching up over the weekend. I really miss reading all my blogs from my reading list.  There are so many people I look forward to reading, from the fashion blogs, to the poetry one, to the life blogs.  

It's funny how a day or two makes a difference.  That's why when I have those sad dark moments that I remind myself strongly that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  No matter how hard a day is, I believe things can turn around on a dime.

I just needed to get perspective, I really need to give service to others and stop dwelling in the past.  That is what makes us sad; does that mean that I have stopped loving David, I'm pretty sure that won't change any time too soon.  The rose colored glasses have come off though and that is good.

I still think he's amazing but I no longer sit in awe of him, he's just a human being like me.  Yes he's kind, loving and wonderful; he does have his faults though, he doesn't see that I'm the best for him.  Besides I told David that it's his loss, I'm awesome;). He laughed  and said you ARE awesome.  Anyhow , time to work on being the best me that I can be.

This weekend is going to be for me and Valentina and some cooking :).   Also catching up on all my blogs. Have an awesome weekend everyone:)

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Dreams Are Real, My Doubts Are Not

 My dreams are real, my doubts are not.

I've been contemplating the above affirmation. This takes being real with yourself to really believe it, I want to be the girl who totally believes in all her dreams and shows all her doubts where they truly belong. The doubts aren't real, they are only the stories people have told me and at one time I believed them.

Those stories are not the truth, they were only what I held on to so that I wouldn't try and then fail. I no longer fear failure, that does not mean that I can't win because I plan never to give up no matter how many times I fail. I will succeed, I am strong, I am tenacious, I am a winner, I will reach my goals and desires.

My first goal is my weight, I want to lose 75 pounds in one year, I made this goal 2 weeks ago. I am down 5 pounds. So 70 pounds left to go in 50 weeks. Second goal is to incorporate exercise into my life, I'm going to start this morning with 15 minutes a day and within a month I want to be exercising 45 minutes or more per day. These two are totally attainable.

The third thing, I want blog daily. I have felt so inspired since mid February. I haven't missed very many days. I don't want to miss any more in the future. The fourth one is that I want to get my PCP completed in one year. I've started one of the courses, two more after this, all of this is very attainable.

I want to be loving and inspiring to all the people in my life, I want them to really know how special and wonderful they really are.

I started toward my second goal this morning, I walked to the mall this morning; it took 14 minutes, I only had to wait 4 minutes for my bus. I feel great even if I'm red faced and a bit sweaty, it'll get easier with time. This is going to help me attain my first goal, I'll post my weekly weight loss in my blog. I'm truly excited.

My third goal of posting daily is working out so far for the past 5 days. Now I want to have a certain time to post, I think it'll be at night after I settle Valentina in bed as I usually get my inspiration early in the morning on the way to work. Unfortunately I can't post from my blackberry or from my computer at work.

I want to thank everyone for the encouraging words, I truly appreciate them. They make me smile;). I hope everyone had an amazing day, I planned to and I did;).

Start Your Journey Where You Are

The journey begins where you are, not where you want to be! So be here now and embrace the present moment, and all it offers. ~ Charlene Proctor

I can only start where I'm at, if I continue to beat myself up because I am not where I actually want to end up right now, I won't progress. It's like the exercise I want to be doing, I know that I'm nowhere near where I want to be, instead of stagnating, I need to take the first step. Although it will only be a baby step, soon I'll be taking giant leaps.

Going forward, starting tomorrow morning I'm going to walk the 15 minutes to the bus stop by the mall unless it's pouring rain. Otherwise I have no real excuse, just being lazy and I don't want wake up in six months and wonder where the time went.

I've procrastinated for too many years, I have no one to blame but myself (although I don't like that word blame). It really is my choice, nothing is easy in the beginning, not if we want to accomplish great things. I want my outside to match my insides.

People in my life tell me what a change I've made in a short time, this can happen for all of us, we just need to decide to start where we are. I know that sounds hard but it's simpler than we know. Being on the cleanse for almost 30 days has proven to me that anything and I mean anything is possible.

If I can give up talking to my soul mate David for 30 days (actually 40 days because of his job) then I am truly capable of anything. It hasn't been easy, he centers me and helps me to always see the best in myself. I've had to do this for myself for the past 25 days and although difficult, I carry all his words in my heart that remind me how awesome I am.

I appreciate the wonderful comments from everyone. They have helped me through this hard time without David. Honestly being without him has been the hardest part; I've done it though and grown. David will be so proud of me, he told me the night before I started that I could do this. I didn't want to disappoint him and I didn't.

Love And Friendship

***Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.~Emily Brontë*** 

Some people don't appreciate what they have and that makes me wonder why anyone would want a person like that? Maybe they don't realize they are worth more than that and they don't see how special they are. I've been there in the past, thinking I didn't deserve anything better when that is so untrue. We all deserve goodness, kindness and love. If someone truly loves you they would never talk badly about you, ever.

I love David with my whole heart and soul, he's been so wonderful to me. There is nothing or no one that could make me say a nasty word against him. He never set out to hurt me, that was the farthest thing from his mind. He'd rather hurt himself before he hurt me. This is true friendship and love for another person. Although I am saddened that our relationship didn't end up where I wanted it to and knew it should go, I will always be his best friend and soul mate. There is nothing or no one that could break that bind we have. Only us and we are never going to let that happen.

***A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise.~Richard Bach***

Whoever we meet or love in the future will have to accept our relationship or move on. We both know that what we found in each other is more important and more special then just romantic love. We know how lucky and blessed we are to have found each other. Neither one of us will ever take our relationship lightly.

It's day 10 of the cleanse and I am just getting stronger with more clarity. I realize as hard as it has been being without David, I feel I needed it so that I could step back and see how close we are. I'm no longer afraid, which is something I desperately needed.

***We recognize a soul mate by the supreme level of comfort and security we feel with that person. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues that remain to be ironed out. Rather, it means we know intuitively that we can resolve issues with our soul mate without losing his or her love and respect.~Linda Brady***

***A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself – to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.~Leo Buscaglia***

I also needed to sit down and really think about what I want in a partner which I wrote about in my last blog 'What I Will Attract'. Mostly I want someone who is available only to me, someone who will love only me. This is NOT asking too much, I am willing to give them the same.