Each day that goes by draws me closer and closer to a decision I thought I would never make. I keep hoping against hope that something will turn it around. It's one of the biggest decisions I have ever made and will change my life in ways I am hoping I can handle.
I need to make some changes, or I will be in the same place I am in right now... who wants that? I don't! It's just that I have always been the biggest wuss about making decisions, I am always the one that never lets go. Something catastrophic has to happen for me to get to the point where I can finally move ahead. For some reason that I have not figured out about myself yet, I never control my own destiny... I allow other people and influences to direct my path.
I am realizing I do that because I do not trust my own instincts. So when I ultimately fail, it is then that I can say, well it wasn't my choice. That was because of a person or a circumstance, not because of me. That way I don't have to take on the truth... the truth that I always had the choice. I just never made it... I never made a choice in anything in my life.
I am going to talk to my David about it, get his opinion, I really respect what he has to say. He speaks the truth to me and he does it all without judging me. I know that is a very difficult thing to do, we are human after all. I don't know how he is with other people in his life but I am pretty sure he is that way with everyone.
I don't think I can make my choice final today, I am going to have to wait until I heal from my leg issue first. I need to be focused if I am ever to come through this process successfully. I also know it will be a very long process.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I have started to write a post for two days now, nothing is coming out even though I am completely overwhelmed with feelings. I feel helpless and lacking, right at this moment, all I want to do is go to Edmonton and then Wainwright and look after David. Realistically I know that cannot happen, I have too many commitments with work and no money to go out there.
My 'D' has messaged me, he even made me laugh as usual, he knows how to make me smile... he is still having a few small health issues from the operation but he should be out of the hospital tomorrow. He will really need to rest a lot and I am stuck here, working when this man that I care so much about is far away. No matter where our lives go, he is always going to be be My One And Only. He gets me, he knows what to say to calm me down. There are not many people that can do that for me... I am one of those people that freak out first and then get it together and do what I need to, to make it work out.
I have never freaked out with David, he knows what to say to me so that I figure out how to keep it together without freaking out... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone. I grew up with so much uncertainty in my life, so much of not feeling wanted or loved. I had to get past that, I had to learn to love myself. It has not always been easy but I won't ever give up trying to better myself; it's just so much easier when you have someone that totally believes in you and wants the best for you. That's what my "D" does for me... he makes me feel that I should always remember that I am special and deserve love.
I want him to be so happy, that would make me happy... I love him with my heart and soul. I feel like I have known him all my life and although I have known him for 34 years, I have really only known him for the past 4 years. I am sure many people who have met their soul mates know what I am talking about... there are just people who you fit with and know that they were and are meant to be in your life always.
I had an epiphany the other night that I want to write about that soon, first I just need to make sure my David is on the mend; than I can clear my mind and talk about my amazing experience.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I had a dream last night, a lovely dream; one I didn't want to wake up from. I even woke up with a smile on my face than it all came back to me that the dream was just that, a dream. I wanted to go back to sleep to continue it but off to work I go...
In my dream I somehow woke up when I was 14 and I knew all that I know now but it was like I was given a chance to start all over again. A chance to make it right, too bad I couldn't go back with the knowledge I have now. I definitely would have been able to deal with my ex step mother better, I wouldn't have allowed her to get into my head with her negative words as I did when I was younger.
I know, it's probably better that I can't go back or I could really make changes that ultimately might not be better for me... maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be the strong person I am today without all the really traumatic incidents. Perhaps I may not have learned tolerance and compassion as well, I somehow think I would have discovered this anyway as this is who I am.
For a moment I thought I wouldn't want to change the past for I may not have my children but I honestly believe you have the children you are destined to have regardless of the path you choose. Of course they may not look the way they do now but I believe I would have had their spirits as I was meant to be their mother.
This is all irrelevant anyhow... we cannot go back into the past, that is just a fantasy. I did however enjoy it immensely while I slept, it felt so real. Back to reality now... have I learned anything from my dream? Yes! A great deal more than I can even convey...
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I have to laugh or at least chuckle when I get an ah ha moment, sometimes when they happen, I wonder what took me so long? This week I have been getting small ah ha moments and then I got a big one last night. I have been wanting some answers so that I could grow, move on, become a better me. I finally asked my questions, not really expecting the answer that I wanted.
The answer came, it was short, to the point... kind of disappointing that there wasn't more of an explanation. Sometimes we have to take it for what it was and just move ahead. Staying where I am is not conducive to my happiness and I really like being happy. I love the feeling, smiling, excited; I don't want to lose that feeling, so I have to progress.
I have this need to not regret a decision so I stay in a spot longer than I should. The big answer came, I can't hold on to the past, it's time to go on. I really learned a lesson though, I have always wanted my life to go a certain way.... I now realize it was always meant to be another way. I fought against it for most of my life because I refused to realize that what I really needed was to be happy with myself.
I am now, happy with myself... why I took so long I will never know. I always felt like I needed someone to complete me, when no one can do that for us. Only we can do that for ourselves.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I have to tell you all something funny, if you read my blog you'll know that I have been talking about an inspirational incident that happened to me recently. The 'incident' changed my attitude and mood.
Up until Sunday I had not cried for no reason for about a month but Saturday night I had maybe an hour and a half of sleep so on Sunday I was rather weepy. I desperately wanted to have control on Sunday but that was not to be. On top of what I was going through, I was incredibly moved by the many blogs I read. I love all the authenticity of the those blogs.
Anyway back to the funny story, I keep getting little pushes from the Universe and I keep using the excuse that I want it to be perfect. I have to forget about perfection as none of us are perfect. So I will put two posts up tonight.
I also wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading all your blogs, it was great to catch up with every one. So I had a great relaxing birthday yesterday and I got to talk to my "D", he made me laugh so hard and I smiled so much my cheeks hurt (in a good way).
A quick thing about what I'm posting next, I guess I was fearful that people would laugh or just go ah ha... I keep getting nudges, from things I read, shows I watch, music I listen to. I'd say I'm being told something and that I better listen up :)
I thought I would just feel something and do it but no, this proved that I was thinking about myself and how it would affect me. The good thing I remembered is that this inspirational moment was just that and it has left me feeling great, with the desire to share the way I feel.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
What are we capable of? Why are we so sure we know what we ourselves are capable of? We expect the least amount from ourselves, we say it's too hard, too long and haven't we failed many times before??
How about we live up to our potential and prove to ourselves that for once we deserve to believe in ourselves. I'll take the giant leap first, I believe we all deserve to succeed just as much as the next person.
What are you truly capable of if you really believe in yourself? Can you lose the weight you need to lose? Can you get the job you want? What is it that you want? I believe in myself, I've seen that I would be close to succeeding then I would do something to expect less, then I would get less.
It all comes back to getting exactly what you expect. I have not expected to get the fairytale ending... hence I have not attained it. After last week, I really started to believe that the fairytale ending can and will happen for me. Then I heard one thing that made it very possible and then a second thing that made it even more possible. It is only a matter of time, all I ever had to do was believe.
I probably won't be posting until late Thursday or early Friday. I'm going to spend the next few days studying for my CPA course. It depends on how motivated I am to blog with all the studying I have to do. I can't wait to be free from this CPA course, then I can concentrate on my blog. Plus I can hardly wait to catch up on other peoples blogs. I miss so many of you guys, I cannot even just name a few, I think there is at least 50 blogs that I follow regularly and another 15-20 that are sporadic. I am excited to see how everyone is doing.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is." ~Jim Morrison
I love this quote, it is exactly what a friend is to me, I do not try to change my friends to be what I want them to be, I accept and love them for who they are. I have had many "friends" over the years but until I had reconnected with David, I didn't realize that I didn't have a friend who just loved me for me. He wasn't out to change me, he wasn't trying to make me see his way. Also, I just read a blog from Mastin Kipp, "The Daily Love" and he stated what I truly believe, I don't love people for what they can give me, I love them for who they are. I will love David no matter where life takes me, I don't have limits on our relationship. I won't stop loving him just because he might not love me that way.
As painful at it can sometimes be, not having someone love you the way you want... it is so much better to have them in your life than not. I wish everyone could understand and feel the love of someone who loves you for who you are, truly loves you for who you are and not for what you give them. I am close to 49 years of age and I finally experienced that kind of love and it has been the most amazing love I have ever had in my life. I am not saying by any means that it is easy, it's not but I couldn't or wouldn't want to imagine my life without him in it.
When I need someone to be real with me, honest and open, I turn to him. I don't want someone that will judge me and I don't want someone who will just agree with me. Last week when I was going through a particularly rough time with work, people were telling me their take on it, they weren't really listening to me. They thought I was afraid, I am not... I am just not interested, when I talked to David, he saw through it and realized, no... I am not afraid, I am just not interested. He got it right away, I didn't have to explain myself.
Then he told me the truth, there is no easy answer, it was either make them understand, do what they ask or find something else I love. There is no simple answer there, there is only truth. Someone else could tell me the same thing and people did but until he said it because it came from the heart, I didn't listen. All we really want in the life is to be heard, to be understood and to be loved.
I will love David no matter what, my feelings don't stop just because his are not equal to mine. I love him for him as I love all my friends. I love them for who they are and I want people to know that if they come to me from their heart, I will listen... if they are not trying to change me but just love me, I will listen. I will do the same for them.
I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about this post, I have had many wonderful friends in my life and I still do but I've never felt this safe with anyone in my life. I am not afraid to be me, completely and fully. I want nothing more than to be just myself with him. I don't think.. should I say this? or should I say that? I am just me. It's the only way I know how to be with him, anything less would mean I was a fake.
"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are." ~ Nate Kay
We're not perfect. We laugh too hard. We are way too loud & we are such dorks. But doing it together is what makes us best friends forever♥
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I met him in ninth period Biology when I was 15 years old, in grade 10. I was awkward and shy, afraid of my own shadow. He was sitting behind me, he said something, I turned around and he smiled that beautiful smile of his and I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes.
I was instantly smitten, he talked to me and really seemed genuinely interested. He was so kind and funny, I crushed so hard on him. I even wrote love notes which I put in his locker anonymously. I was so geeky, lol.
I finally came clean and told him it was me. He smiled, we became friends, I used to call him at night and talk for hours, I always laughed so hard with him. I even went to his church to be near him.
That summer after grade 10 saw me going to another school. I never forgot him though, I wondered about him often. My life took a path where I became a single mom at 18. One day I was walking to Sears by Mumford, a guy was walking towards me, it was him;).
He instantly remembered me and stopped to talk to me, I was full of butterflies. His smile was as beautiful as always. Not too long after that a girl I grew up with was going to a house party, she said you will never believe who is going to be there. I said who? She said him.
I almost jumped out of my skin, I begged her to see if I could go, she said no problem. The night came for the party, I was so nervous. I got there, he was in the kitchen. He smiled at me and talked to me like old times. He started dancing with all the girls in the room and he by passed me, I was sad but he came back to me after he danced with everyone else and then he said, I was saving the best for last.
I truly melted and waltzed with him, I felt so complete being in his arms. Fate had stepped in our path again, though he was seeing someone and it was almost 7 years later before I was to see him again. This time the Sears delivery buzzed with a package, I opened the door and all I could see was how beautiful this man's body was.
All of a sudden, I heard my name, I looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes and it was him, he flashed me a smile that was amazing as usual. I'm sure I turned every shade of pink and red. We talked for a few minutes, then he was gone.
I would not hear from him again until I was 45 when I looked him up on Facebook. I was nervous that one he would not remember me or two that he would and wouldn't want to talk to me. I was wrong on both accounts.
He did remember me and we chatted off and on for three years on Facebook. I always enjoyed our conversations. He was with someone, I was just happy to be friends. Then last summer (2011). I noticed he had left New Brunswick and was on his way out West.
He started talking to me whenever he was on, we talked like old times. It seemed he had been hurt in his previous relationship but he was still upbeat with me. He told me he loved how happy and positive I was, he wanted to know how and why I felt like that. He wanted to feel the same way.
He asked me if I had a secret, I said yes;). He said do tell, I laughed and said it would take too long to type. He asked me if I was a tease? I laughed and said I can be. That flirt changed everything. We talked for hours every night, we couldn't get enough of each other.
I told him one night that I deserved him because I deserved the best, he stopped me and said, "Did you ever think it was me that deserved you?" I cried, no man had ever made me feel that special. All of this coming from the sweet boy I never forgot.
We made plans for him to come home for a visit, we thought it wouldn't be for months. I was on the bus one night and I thought wouldn't it be amazing to have him home for New Year's. I got home, he messaged me to say he might be home for New Year's, he wanted to spend it with me and he wanted to wake up with me and start the new year off right.
About a week later, I thought I wish he could be home for Christmas, I came home, he messaged me that he was almost positive he would be home for the Christmas holidays, I cried, my dream was coming true. He said I want to spend the holidays with the girl who held me in a piece of her heart all these years.
We were both crazy with anticipation, I had to work and couldn't meet him at the airport. It was better that way, he fulfilled another fantasy of mine, he showed up at my work with a dozen red roses and told the receptionist that he was my soldier boy from out West.
I was so high on happiness, I hugged him and it felt so amazing to be held by him. He came by to pick me up after work, I got in the car and smiled and giggled. He was going to start driving, I said wait, I got on my knees on the car seat and leaned over to kiss him.
That kiss was better than any imagined kiss I'd ever had about him. I had butterflies and my belly did flip flops. We both sighed, it was a long time coming. I felt complete, we were so close, so happy and so at ease with each other.
The holidays were amazing, he helped me to slow down and enjoy it all. Sometimes we rush too much and miss the joy we could have. We just enjoyed holding hands, walking arm in arm, driving around looking at Christmas lights, talking endlessly.
Waking up with him in my arms was magic, although I'm complete without him, I felt so fulfilled being with him. He saw the best in me, we are soul mates. He knows every crazy thing there is know about me and he still thinks I'm amazingly wonderful, he called me his special girl.
He told me to listen to the song Far Away by Nickleback, I think of him whenever I hear that song, that is our song, he said it was to apologize for making me wait for him for so long. I crushed on him in high school, I fell in love with him when I was an adult woman. No one in my whole life has made me feel I was so worthy, so lovable and so wanted... no one has ever made me feel that safe.
Whatever happens in the future we will be close, we love each other as best friends and no one can come between us. He's the man I can tell all my inner secrets to and I have told him all of them. I am his soft place to fall, whenever he needs me, I'll be there for him, always.
We transcend love, we were meant to be soul mates, we were destined. Our path proved that, we were never too far from each other. He thought about me over the years and he was the boy I could never forget.
Because he's always been so honest, I can believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful and amazing. He's not a liar. I feel so blessed to have him in my life and he feels the same way.
I will never give up on him, our paths are destined to be intertwined for the rest of our lives and maybe forever. No one knows what the future holds.
I know that I have some really tough decisions to make in the near future. I know they are going to be incredibly painful but I accept the choices I have to make will have to come one way or the other. It will either have to be my choice or it will be made for me. I am hoping that I am strong enough to make it myself.
It's sort of like that saying at church I've heard, we either humble ourselves which can be painful or Heavenly Father humbles us which is so much more difficult to deal with; either way, it happens. This is totally my decision on how it comes to pass but only for a time, it will be taken out of my hands if I don't deal with this soon.
I have been one of those people that has always allowed other individuals to make my decisions, that way I could sort of blame the other person. I can't do that anymore and be accountable to myself. The truth is that however it all comes to pass, I can blame no one but me. The question here is if I want to be in control of my own destiny?
Am I strong enough to do what I need to do? If I want to grow, I have to be. I have to put my faith in Heavenly Father, He honestly knows what is best for me. Maybe what I fear losing is only that a fear, maybe I need to deal with the fear and it will disappear with all the other fears I have dealt with in the past month.
I am more powerful than I knew, otherwise there is no way I could have handled all the difficult changes I have made in the past month. This is going to be much harder than all of those put together. David is right about me, I am strong, I can handle what life throws my way; I have proven it time and time again.
Sometimes we have to be willing to give up what is most important to us to have what we really need. That's the hardest ones to deal with but it's part of life. I have always been considered tenacious and persistent, when I want something, I rarely give up... until I am forced to. Or until I realize that it really wasn't worth it.
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