Serving Others Is A Form Of Love

I really enjoyed getting caught up with so many of you, I am still working at getting back into the hang of blogging, I have been trying not to overwhelm myself too much. I need to find some middle ground... which isn't the easiest thing for me as I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl, which means if I can't keep up I give up and do something else. I have been contemplating how to change that aspect of myself... there is nothing wrong with wanting to attain the highest level but giving up because I feel like it's a failure on my part isn't what I want for myself anymore. 

I will never give up writing, it has been the one constant part of my life that has helped me to grow, I have been able to see another way to handle a test or trial. Even when I wasn't physically writing the past few months, I spent a lot of time writing in my mind, thinking of what it would take for me to finally get back to actually writing on the computer. Blogging wasn't my first thought as I feel that blogging is meant to be interactive, I couldn't just write and walk away... so I wrote a couple of times in my private blog just to write, it helped being able to get it out and see it in words. 

My church believes in journals or keeping diary for ourselves that ultimately our family would be able to read our thoughts and ideas sometime in the future... I know my mom wrote a few letters to my sister Kimmy and when she passed on I got a copy of the notebook, it was such beautiful memories that I could read at anytime and pass down to my own children in time. I can see the importance of keeping my private ideas and thoughts for my family in the future. What I learned from this over the years is that I see how alike we are... yes we all have differences but ultimately we go through many of the same trials. Which is why I think writing about how we deal with something might help someone else... I know that I have learned from others writings and I have found a way to make it through a test I was unsure I would be able to get through. 

I have been feeling cut off with my health issues and I have felt like I failed... I had gained my life life back by becoming healthy and now I feel like I am back where I was and actually further from my goals. A friend who went through something similar sent me a website with some ideas of how to strengthen my back so that my sciatica won't be so painful and a very good friend dropped over and told me not to give up, she would be ready to walk with me when the time came that I wasn't in such a great deal of pain. I honestly had given up on my health and thought to myself that this was the way my life was going to be.... but I can't give up because it's hard, it's not going to be simple, it's going to be painful and it's going to take a great deal of work but I want my life back... it's time for me start doing something, even if it's small and not to get discouraged when it takes longer than I think it should. 

I haven't been attending my church because I felt it was too painful... I have people that are willing to pick me up and take me home part way... at least I can get out weekly and see other people so that I am not feeling as though I am so trapped in my home. I need that connection with other people, even if it is only for a short time each week... It will be good for me to hear other thoughts and ideas so that I am not sitting at home, convincing myself there is no way out. I want to help others, so that I will think of myself less... 

I feel like service is the way for me to better myself in the long run... I might not be able to do anything to physical at the moment but I can talk to people and I can take the time to write my story for my children. There is a lot of my life on this blog but I don't write about everything as there are personal things I don't want everyone to know but I do want my children to know it all one day... as I am sure they will have to deal with many of the same trials in their lives and I want them to know that there is always a way through, no matter how difficult the test is... I have been served with love by many people over the years, it's time for me to serve others the same way... 

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Self Care Is Self Love

I have been putting off blogging all weekend, not because I didn't want to write but because I was trying to get my words out to say what I wanted to say... I have been overwhelmed with blogging lately and not by writing as I only write once a week at the most, it is all I have time for... but because I feel this need to constantly keep up with everyone else's blog, even at the expense of me writing my own. I even wondered if I should stop writing? Yet, I know that writing is what helps me to figure out issues in my life. While I was thinking about it, I came to admit to myself that I am a people pleaser... 

I thought I was past that, I thought I had grown from that.... However; a few of the comments I receive and I stress a few of them are not genuine, they haven't read my entry, they just write a generic comment so that I will visit their blog and comment back....which I have been doing, now saying all this, I love comments, honest, real and open ones where I get to know the person. I have decided that if someone is not taking a moment to actually read the words I write, I won't be publishing the comments any longer. I honestly don't want to waste my time when I could be reading someones words who appreciate that I actually took the time to write. 

I have decided that I have to give myself a break and I will not be able to comment on every single blog I read, it's not realistic for me anymore as I follow an incredible amount of blogs, even I don't know how many... I read a blog this week that kind of opened my eyes, she was pretty honest about her addictions and it made me think about mine... I am always trying to be the perfect blogger, keeping up with everyone, not wanting to let anyone down... Instead, I am letting myself down, I talk about self care here all the time and basically they have just become words, I haven't been practicing. 

This is no ones fault but mine, I need to set boundaries for myself and know that the people that I follow, the ones who really care about me will be there, frankly those are the only people that matter to me in the blogging world. Of course I want my blog to grow in readership but if I rarely write how will it grow more?  ... I am not giving up reading or commenting but I am going to be taking time for myself to read a book, actually visit a friend without my phone turned on... play some board games with Valentina.. 

I have this bucket list of things I want to do and more often then not I sit in front of a computer or with my phone in my hand. That quote above says it all, we are connected to people all over the world through technology and it is awesome, I love it, at the same time though, I find I am not as connected to the people around me. If that makes any sense? I make time for blogging and I don't make time to do other things that entail my making an effort in my own life. You know what that is, that is ignoring the issues I have and covering it up with blogging because it's easier. 

This weekend showed me that I have let everything around me go... on Saturday I didn't even get dressed until I caught up reading, then it was almost five o'clock before I went to get groceries... I followed that with laundry until midnight... oh and in between I commented and read blogs. That is an addiction I use so that I can let everything else slide in my life. Today, I figured out why... if I don't have time to think, I don't have deal with my feelings... I have to deal with my feelings and I need to let go of trying to be the perfect blogger... that doesn't exist. . . Self care is self love....

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Taking A Break To Get Balance

I have been thinking about this for a while, Thursday brought it front and center and I realized I have to change something in my life so that I can began to sleep a little more than the few broken hours that I get every night and that I have had for the past 7 months.

Since it is working hard on becoming Spring here, today was gorgeous... it gave me great hope that more days are on the way.  One of the things I want to do is work out more, I have been walking a great deal since my last post. I have walked over 12 miles, it has felt wonderful to get back out at it, I have lost a little speed but I am sure I will get it back soon.

I think exercising will help me relax and I want to spend more time getting organized as I am actively looking for a new place and I have people looking as well. I need to be prepared to move and not have excess baggage to weigh me down.  The older I get the more minimalistic I become.  I seriously want to get rid a good 50 percent of my stuff because I don't use it, it just takes up space and causes clutter.

I also want to spend a lot of quality time with Valentina, we have been cooking together, playing a board game here and there, watching a TV show together... It has been good but we need more of those days.  So I have already been around to many blogs where I left comments and emailed others to let you know that I have decided to take a blog break and a social media break starting Monday morning and I am not sure how long I will be gone.

I am going to miss you, I know I have missed messaging a few, I follow a lot of blogs and so many of you inspire me or leave me lovely comments on my blog.  Some of you I have come to know through other forms of social media and I have really loved connecting which I will be back to ... just as soon as I figure out how to get some sleep.

I am sure I will not know what to do with myself for a while, I usually wake up... have a shower and then read and comment on blogs... then more on the way to work, at lunch, on the way home... So I have decided to walk as much as I can and spend as much time as I can with Valentina.

I will still be answering emails so if anyone wants to say hi and let me know how you are doing you can email me here .  I have a little work to do and it involves spending a little time just meditating and not filling time up so that I don't have to think or deal.  Which only spills over into my life where I am unable to sleep... Let me tell you that I have gone without sleep many times in my life, having a baby is one of those times but a bit different as I napped whenever I could and I did get 4 hours strung together.

I rarely sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and sometimes 3 hours... That is not enough to really focus on work and being a parent, both of these need my full attention and when I don't sleep they are affected.  I hope when I come back it will be where I have a little more balance in my life ... with sleep being one of them.

I look forward to catching up with you when I get back, until then I will miss you... 

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I've Been Looking My Whole Life

I read a blog the other night by Dawn called  With wisdom gained it touched me deeply in my heart and I hope that what I write here will really convey what I felt.  She doesn't write often but when she writes it touches me deeply in my soul.  The first quote she had in the post had me crying and I continued to cry throughout the whole post.

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin 

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

That is not a bad thing, it meant I really felt what she was trying to convey to her readers.  It really spoke to me because I actually knew what she meant, I have had this happen once in my life, the feeling of... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and losing that left me empty inside. 

She wrote this earlier in the week and I took a few days to digest it, really think about it... and although I lost that person who knew me inside out, they lost me too... it is rare, very rare to meet or find someone that you can be that close to, someone you can share all your inner thoughts with and not feel like you are being judged. 

It has been more difficult than anything I can write here but I cannot let losing this person out of my life harden me so that I don't give that same passion to someone who deserves it... if I allowed it to harden me because of the deep sadness it caused I will never be able to move forward and find it again.  I will find it again and that person will be deserving of what I will offer.

I remember when I was a very young girl and going through the trial of being raised by my ex step mother who did all that she could to beat me down, literally. I always knew there was something better and that I had to be strong enough to make it through all her craziness.  I believed once I was free of her that I would find someone special who would truly love me for who I was and not try to tear me down. 

People that do everything within their power to pull you down to their level are nothing but insecure and they feel undeserving of love.  What ultimately happens with them is that they lose what they fight so hard to keep... because attempting to destroy other people to keep what you want will never last.  Just ask my ex step mother, she lost everything eventually and ended up a lonely old woman with nothing. 

I refuse to be bitter, I refuse to give up and I refuse to let the smallness of other people take away my dreams, my hopes and my wishes.  This last six months have been a refining period in my life, one I have needed to grow... so that I will be ready to have that someone special who will come along and feel lucky and blessed to have found me.  They won't leave or give up because they too will remember that feeling... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and I will say... I have always been here... becoming the best me so that I can give the best of myself to you, just as he will want to give me the best of himself too.

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Disconnect To Connect...

I haven't been avoiding writing, I have been exhausted... I am pretty sure I slept for 9 hours last night... too bad it wasn't through the whole night but that comes because of my age.  I woke up at 8 am this morning, determined not to waste my Saturday sleeping it away... I caught up on all my blogs and then finally got myself moving to go out for a walk.  It was slightly warm but I walked for an hour in total, I stopped off at Cindy's to visit in between... I walked a lot of hills today, which is good... next week I am going to walk up Main Avenue, now that is a hill.  I will let you all know how I make out.

So for the good news, I am down 10 pounds for my first week, can I tell you how thrilled I am... I am so happy... I ended up walking for 24 miles last week.  This week I am going to aim for 28-30, that means I will have to walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes at lunch on top of the extra extra walking I am doing already.  I am so pumped and so in the zone.  I am eating healthy food and within my calorie intake...  I am not letting anything derail me.  I have a lot to prove to myself and I have something to prove to others.

Andrea, Paul and Jackson will be home on Wednesday, I still plan to walk as much as I possibly can... I don't want to miss a day if at all possible; I am making this a way of life.   I was able to get the time off next week for when Andrea is home, so we can spend a good deal of time together.  I am hoping to borrow a stroller and take Jackson on some of the walks I intend to take...  I think it will be fun, walking him around this city and great exercise for me.

On a side note, I am slightly frustrated with some people and their behavior... in the past I would have become so mad, then sad... then I would have done something to cover those feelings up.  This time I walked and I walked, which then helped me to sleep better at night... mostly from pure exhaustion..  For now it is okay for me to walk off my frustration but eventually I will have to deal with that issue head on.... Do you ever feel like you do all the hard work in a relationship?  Well that frustrates me that I feel like I do it all myself, there are a great deal of my friends that I find I have to make the first initiation...  Our lives have become too busy, too cluttered with things and time wasters... instead of connecting, we are disconnecting from each other.

Don't get me wrong I love technology it can bring us together when we allow it but I also feel we are so weighted down with overload of information that we just shut down and forget that we need a little human contact.  I had a wonderful visit with Cindy today, I had my phone but I just plugged it in and chatted with her while Valentina ran around outside with her friends... it reminded me of when I was younger and we just played outside for hours, enjoying all the made up games we had with each other... those times we really connected with each other.

I had two incidents in the last week that made me think... the first one I was buying a backpack for when I am walking.  Valentina noticed that some small change purses were on sale, I said... we don't buy things just because they are on sale, we buy things because we need them.... the cashier said... that's a good way to be... Of course it is... too often we think let's get it because of the sale, hence why we have too much stuff.  The other incident was in the grocery store and I told Valentina she could have a package of Tic Tacs... she was finding it hard to choose between the two flavors and wanted both and became frustrated with me.  I looked at her and said, you can have one or you can have none... she chose one.  The cashier said, good for you, too many parents give in and give both or try to talk their children into one.  My motto is one or none.

I think this walking that I am doing is clearing my head and making me look at life in a better way, one week ago I wondered where I would find the time to exercise; well... I found the time...  This is important in so many ways, one since I cannot take medication for my high cholesterol..  so walking and eating healthy is going to take care of that issue. Two, Valentina and I have lots of time together and she is exercising right along with me and three... I am gaining more than I can explain here right now... suffice to say that there are big changes on the way.  Some that people are going to like, others not so much but they are all good for me.

I can't leave without mentioning the weather in Alberta, I have quite a few friends out there... thankfully none of them have been affected by the flooding yet.  Most of them are on higher ground... My David just posted that there is a tornado watch up where he is in Alberta... all I can say is wow... the weather is becoming crazier and crazier everyday I turn on the news.  I am praying for everyone out there to be safe... Sadly I don't think this is the end of all this crazy weather that is happening in many places, which is pretty scary to say the least...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Social Media On A Timer

I spent the day reading blogs and cooking a meal for dinner and for lunch tomorrow, my little Valentina is not feeling so well... I spent the day tending to her, she has a sore throat and a fever.  Hopefully she'll feel better in the morning or she will be spending the day at home with Cindy.  So, I took the day to get caught up with everyone's blog that I follow and who had posted plus I have gone around to most of my social media and changed my picture from me and David to a picture of myself, except for here on the blog, I am not ready to change it here yet.

David is going on exercise for two or three weeks, not sure of the length... there is no communication with the outside when they are on one of these... It's going to be difficult for me not to text him as we text every day and always said good night.  This will be good since I have decided to cap a limit on my time that I give to social media.  I love staying connected but there are times we all have to unplug occasionally, otherwise we miss out on the small things right in front of us.

I am going to start limiting my usage with the timer on my phone... since I love how I say I will just check something out and be five minutes; with a timer, I will really see if it is five minutes.  I am also going to get Valentina's tablet charged up and use that to write my blog while I am on the bus, I miss writing my blog in the morning, I used to do this on my blackberry but it became too hard on my android touch screen.  With the tablet, the keys are larger and less of a chance of hitting the wrong key with my fingers.

My phone is great to use when you are sitting, just not moving as it is ultra sensitive.... which can be frustrating if you keep clicking the wrong letter.  So, I limit my use to going through Twitter and Facebook, it will be nice to use my time wisely on the bus again.  That way when I get home at night, I will be able to post immediately... then relax and read the blogs I follow.  This will be especially helpful when I start having a two hour trip home on the bus, at least I will be accomplishing something and not feel like I have wasted all my time.

I am only working two days this week, since I took off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to clean my house for Valentina's birthday sleep over this weekend... as well I wanted to be able to make a nice birthday dinner for her on Wednesday with just her and me..  She is looking forward to this very much so I hope whatever illness she has passes soon so she can enjoy her time coming up.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Anger Is Usually A Waste Of Energy

You know how people always tell you not to go to bed angry?  They couldn't be more right... last night I had a conversation with a friend that just ended up rubbing me the wrong way, so I signed off from talking to them but I didn't forget how perturbed I was.  So, I went to sleep like that and woke up in the same mood... the more I thought about the conversation the more ticked off I became, it just started to make me wonder how people that are your friends and care about you can say things without thinking.

Anyhow, I kept the mood up all day, right into getting Valentina off to bed.  Then I sat down to think about it and process it... I decided that I can continue to be angry about it and let it bother me or I can let it go and move on... I want to let it go... otherwise I won't be able to continue the friendship and that would disappoint me more.  I can let go of my hurt feelings, I know that none of it was intentional, it all hurts the same though.

I wanted to talk to my friend but I really think they are oblivious to the fact that they upset me because it was through chat.  A lot of times we have no idea how we could be upsetting someone because you cannot gauge someone's reactions... I love social media but nothing beats hearing someone's voice or seeing them and talking with them.  That way you have a much better idea of what the other person is inferring because of voice and body language.

I think our society has lost the art of conversation because of chat and texting, although I love these methods, nothing beats sitting with a friend talking on the phone or in the same room.  I am sure that if I was in the same room with that friend or on the phone, I would have come away from the conversation feeling a whole lot better.

It's because the situation would have been dealt with immediately and we would have ended everything off with laughter... instead I went to bed perturbed and carried it through to today, actually adding to it by adding other things the person said before, trying to justify my mood... Unfortunately I realized or knew that there is nothing that can justify my mood.  Just because someone says something hurtful, whether they meant to or not, does not mean that I should pass that on.

Here I am chatting with my friend again tonight, everything is fine... they honestly have no clue.  I am going to be a lot more careful what I put in a chat or text, I don't want someone upset with me for something I didn't mean to infer... If anything like this happens in the future, I will make the decision to move on before I go to sleep.. then I won't waste so much time being angry at nothing.

  I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

A Day Of Catching Up

I have had a hectic couple of days, the first thing is that I have a slight infection in my graft site, I am taking antibiotics... every six hours for ten days.  I am sure it will be cleared up by the time I am back to work.  I feel fine, I am even walking without my lovely (NOT) purple cane.  I am still building up muscle from being so stationary for so long.  I have been getting out a little each day and gaining a little strength slowly.

I finally purchased a new computer after twelve long years, I am very happy about this as my old one was sooo sluggish and slow that it would take me about an hour to get a blog post out after I wrote it.  I can see it will be much easier as it does not freeze up like my old one.  However; I have to say I am so very technically challenged and as much as I love technology, I also become incredibly frustrated easily. 

I had it set up yesterday and it took until late in the evening for me to figure out how to operate Window 8... lol.   Most of it is set up, I just need the scanner/printer and the sound hooked up.  I am letting Valentina use the old one, once we can get that one back up on line, I will need to move everything from that computer to this one... oh joy oh bliss.  All I can say is thank goodness for Cindy and any of my other techy friends.

I spent the majority of the evening tonight catching up on the blogs that I follow, I love reading other peoples stories about their lives.  What I love most about blogging is the connection with people all over the world.  I think it is amazing how I can converse with people in Finland, Poland, Australia, England, Romania, Brazil... I know I am leaving out countries, I apologize  and of course I cannot leave out North America.

When I think of growing up in the early seventies, I realize how small my world was... technology changed very little back then.  It sped up a lot in the nineties and for me it became a challenge to keep up.  I have to thank my oldest daughter Andrea, she led me into the new century of technology, with her love of every new gadget, as well she was so proficient in their uses. 

Although I adore all the new items to keep us more connected, I sometimes wonder if it doesn't disconnect us with the over load.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
 

The Connection Of Hearts

Today I went back to see the surgeon... they say the graft is 90% healed, which is good, I can't wait for it to be 100% so that I can start walking... jogging... running.  I look forward to this spring and summer for this but I am going to relax the rest of this winter and make sure my leg heals completely.

"In our deepest moments of struggle, frustration, fear, and confusion, we are being called upon to reach in and touch our hearts. Then, we will know what to do, what to say, how to be. What is right is always in our deepest heart of hearts. It is from the deepest part of our hearts that we are capable of reaching out and touching another human being. It is, after all, one heart touching another heart."

- Roberta Sage Hamilton

So, I read this quote above and it made me think that this is how I want to be, I want to be able to reach others through their hearts by giving of myself.  I want real connections, not just the fake ones we have in our lives sometimes.  I want the real ones where I laugh so hard that my belly hurts, the ones where I can cry to get all of my feelings out.  I don't want to be afraid to say what I am thinking or feeling at any given time.

Sharing our deepest part of our hearts is one of the most difficult things to do... it's like becoming completely vulnerable, allowing someone to see the real you and finding out they love you as much as they always did if not more.  I know it doesn't always end up this way, but sharing love is never wrong... I want to be capable of touching another person through our hearts... I want to feel that real and lasting connection.

Until you have felt it, it can never be explained... there are never enough words, no matter what you say, it isn't adequate. Once you have felt it, you never give up on wanting deeper connections.  I personally don't want to waste time on anything less.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Seen, Heard And Valued

Last night made me think about if I really pay attention to what other people are feeling, I really hope that I do because I wouldn't like to know that I may be saying things that could hurt or affect them and not even realize it.  Why was I thinking this?  I had this happen last night and I wondered if they even realized what they were saying might be affecting me?  Well, I was affected... and I'm not sure how they couldn't have seen...

This makes me wonder how connected we are as people? More like we are too disconnected.... Do we think about what we are saying to each other or are we just on auto pilot, talking to be talking?  It has made me think twice about what I say and what feelings it might illicit in the person I am speaking with.  I wondered if I should say something... something like, don't you see that what you are talking about is upsetting me?  I felt somewhat invisible... I felt like my feelings didn't matter... yet they didn't see.

This is especially difficult when the person who is saying the words that affect you and they seem oblivious... is a person that is supposed to know you inside out.  Maybe no one really knows me inside, I guess I only show what I want other people to see.  I wonder if we don't all do this to a certain degree... Now more than ever, I don't feel safe being me, saying what I feel.  This isn't the way to deal with challenges, I need to handle them head on...

I don't understand

Everyday I try, I think I can handle this

Then nights like this happen

I wonder how you say some things

Things that make me cry

I wonder if you even know?

Or do you think everything is fine?

It's not fine, I'm still sad

Tonight I questioned what the payoff was?

I didn't like my answer

Either way I lose...  

Why do I always have lose?

I don't know which loss is harder...

Which one will be what I can handle..

Neither choice is good

Both are painful at best

I'm happy and at peace with me...

I'm twisted about you

Maybe I really have to do something I've never done

To get different results.

 

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I've Always Known And I Always Will

I have started to write a post for two days now, nothing is coming out even though I am completely overwhelmed with feelings.  I feel helpless and lacking, right at this moment, all I want to do is go to Edmonton and then Wainwright and look after David.  Realistically I know that cannot happen, I have too many commitments with work and no money to go out there. 

My 'D' has messaged me, he even made me laugh as usual, he knows how to make me smile... he is still having a few small health issues from the operation but he should be out of the hospital tomorrow.  He will really need to rest a lot and I am stuck here, working when this man that I care so much about is far away.  No matter where our lives go, he is always going to be be My One And Only.  He gets me, he knows what to say to calm me down.  There are not many people that can do that for me... I am one of those people that freak out first and then get it together and do what I need to, to make it work out. 

I have never freaked out with David, he knows what to say to me so that I figure out how to keep it together without freaking out... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.  I grew up with so much uncertainty in my life, so much of not feeling wanted or loved.  I had to get past that, I had to learn to love myself.  It has not always been easy but I won't ever give up trying to better myself; it's just so much easier when you have someone that totally believes in you and wants the best for you.  That's what my "D" does for me... he makes me feel that I should always remember that I am special and deserve love.

I want him to be so happy, that would make me happy... I love him with my heart and soul.  I feel like I have known him all my life and although I have known him for 34 years, I have really only known him for the past 4 years.  I am sure many people who have met their soul mates know what I am talking about... there are just people who you fit with and know that they were and are meant to be in your life always.

I had an epiphany the other night that I want to write about that soon, first I just need to make sure my David is on the mend; than I can clear my mind and talk about my amazing experience.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

I Matter And So Do You

Okay, I had two awesome things happen yesterday... first I was amazed and quite thrilled that I had 200 views on my blog in one day.  I remember when I had 30-40 views and then I went up to close to a 100 per day. This amazed me and I felt so grateful that so many people would be viewing my little blog.  I love this outlet that I have to just write whatever I want to say.  Sometimes I have to curtail it a little, even if it is my diary, it is open so I can't write EVERYTHING I want to but that's okay.

I write in a way that I know what it means and only people extremely close to me would ever guess exactly what I was saying sometimes.  There is very little that I don't open up to in this blog... just a few things, which I am sure will eventually come to light.  I just need to prepare myself before I bare my whole soul like that.  One day in the near future it will happen as I am an open and honest person.

The second thing that happened was so wonderful, as I have said in the past I follow a number of blogs, like 70-80 regularly.  I will tell you this, if I read your blog and I am touched, I will comment.  Some people have touched me and I read their blog whenever they open up and write something new.  I often wonder if they care that I comment as they never say a thing back to me....  there are times I think that I should just move on to people who care if I comment but I keep staying with certain people because they touch me deep inside.

So, one particular blogger who has never said anything to me (7-8 months), messaged me today and told me that she was truly touched by each and every comment I have ever written to her... which nearly made me cry.  I hadn't realized how much she liked it, how much she really appreciated it.  She made me realize that some people are going through a very difficult time and even if they don't comment back, they are still taking in what I write, knowing I really care.

If I comment on your blog, I care about you... I think about you and I am super excited when you post a blog.  I don't comment just because... I comment because I care.  So, I realized that there are a few blogs that I gave up commenting on, thinking they didn't care.  I am re thinking that and I am going to look back at a few of those blogs and comment again.  You never know how you can touch another person.

I know this to be true because when anyone comments on my blog... I am truly touched, truly grateful and truly thankful... I know that it is an effort to follow someones blog and to comment often... especially on mine, I blog so much.  I write everyday, I rarely miss a day... I would write more but I have to stop myself at times and save a few for another day.

All of this brought about a lovely ending to a wonderful day.  I had a very spiritual evening that uplifted and inspired me.  Then I had an amazing talk with my David, it was so funny that I honestly thought I wasn't going to be able to stop laughing... I am kind of chuckling at it even now.  My 'D' has such an odd sense of humor... me too though... which makes for some long hearty laughs.

Here is part of what we talked about... he asked me 'how my Wednesday night was?'  I laughed and typed... 'ahhh, it's Tuesday'... he said, 'I am officially nuts.. lmao..' Then he said 'it comes from being on exercise where they don't use the days of the week.. they use D day... D-3, D-2 and so on..'  So than I said, 'oh, they named it after you.. since I call him my 'D'...'  It kept going from there.  We are like that, the conversation flows from one goofy thing to another and we are both laughing hysterically.

I know, you had to be there... trust me... we are a hoot together, we get each others humor... Besides, I am actually pretty funny, especially if you listen to all the silly things I have done or crazy life choices I have made... I am pretty good at making people laugh... it helps that I am a people person.  If you met me face to face you would see I am just as open as I am here, maybe even a little more so.

Also, if you comment on my blog, I will look at your blog and if I am inspired, touched or if you make me laugh... I will comment back... I will continue if you grab my attention.  I just like to know that you care... that's all any of us want.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Have Flip Flops In My Belly

I'm wondering if I learned a lesson too late.  I'm in this odd state right now, my belly is doing flip flops and I can't get it to settle down.  I feel like I have lost a best friend through death and I haven't.  But you know that feeling?  Realizing you can't say what you want to them anymore and feeling at a loss to how you fill their void. 

It's a huge void, they filled up much of your day, you talked to them about your day, good and bad.  You used to wait excitedly to talk to them and now it's gone.  This isn't a death though, it's almost worse then a death.  Having someone who you just want to change the past with so you can get your life back to some normalcy. 

I miss my best friend, I miss being able to tell him about my day, telling him about my accomplishments.  I never in my life thought I would ever think, let alone say and definitely never write.  But never say never...  It's not that I regret my romantic time with David because I don't.  I just wish...  we hadn't got involved emotionally.

Why do I say this?  I may have  lost my best friend and that is so much worse.  I have been having such a difficult time this past couple of weeks when I've had so much to tell him and I haven't been able to.  That's what got me thinking, my sister asked me last night if it wasn't better that the fantasy was gone?  I said no, I would rather that the fantasy never happened if it meant losing my best friend. 

I was living with the fantasy for 33 years, I could have lived with that for the rest of my life but a friend, a best friend is so hard to come by.  I have some amazing friends but only one that I can be myself with.

I just needed to say this, it's been inside me for days and I finally breathed normally.  My tummy seems to be settling down, maybe I can sleep tonight, just maybe...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Love Is Written In The Heart

“Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.”

Have you ever known someone with you heart?  You know where you can say anything to them and you feel safe that they will take it as it's intended.  I've only known one person like that, my David.  I can joke around and tease him, when he puts up an embarrassed face, I can call him out and say haha, you do not embarrass easily, remember I know you? lol.

When I do that he's like, yes you do know me, haha.  People that don't know each other are never sure that what they say may be taken out of context.  It's awesome to feel safe with someone where you know you can say anything and everything.  I know there are people that have this, I was not lucky enough to have this all my life.

I always wanted it, that emotional connection where you just know and feel the other person.  No words are necessary, although the words are abundant.  The conversation is never boring (I'm too interesting to be boring, lol). Having someone who cheers on all your accomplishments, someone who truly loves you for you. 

I realized something last night that makes me smile now.  I started panicking, getting out of control; I finally gave myself a 'mindful smack' (as Mastin would say).  I figured out that the closer that I get to my goals the more opposition I receive.  It just shows me that I'm on the right path, otherwise I'd have no opposition.

Opposition brings rewards, the more opposition, the more rewards ;).

My One And Only

I met him in ninth period Biology when I was 15 years old, in grade 10. I was awkward and shy, afraid of my own shadow. He was sitting behind me, he said something, I turned around and he smiled that beautiful smile of his and I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes.

I was instantly smitten, he talked to me and really seemed genuinely interested. He was so kind and funny, I crushed so hard on him. I even wrote love notes which I put in his locker anonymously. I was so geeky, lol.

I finally came clean and told him it was me. He smiled, we became friends, I used to call him at night and talk for hours, I always laughed so hard with him. I even went to his church to be near him.

That summer after grade 10 saw me going to another school. I never forgot him though, I wondered about him often. My life took a path where I became a single mom at 18. One day I was walking to Sears by Mumford, a guy was walking towards me, it was him;).

He instantly remembered me and stopped to talk to me, I was full of butterflies. His smile was as beautiful as always. Not too long after that a girl I grew up with was going to a house party, she said you will never believe who is going to be there. I said who? She said him.

I almost jumped out of my skin, I begged her to see if I could go, she said no problem. The night came for the party, I was so nervous. I got there, he was in the kitchen. He smiled at me and talked to me like old times. He started dancing with all the girls in the room and he by passed me, I was sad but he came back to me after he danced with everyone else and then he said, I was saving the best for last.

I truly melted and waltzed with him, I felt so complete being in his arms. Fate had stepped in our path again, though he was seeing someone and it was almost 7 years later before I was to see him again. This time the Sears delivery buzzed with a package, I opened the door and all I could see was how beautiful this man's body was.

All of a sudden, I heard my name, I looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes and it was him, he flashed me a smile that was amazing as usual. I'm sure I turned every shade of pink and red. We talked for a few minutes, then he was gone.

I would not hear from him again until I was 45 when I looked him up on Facebook. I was nervous that one he would not remember me or two that he would and wouldn't want to talk to me. I was wrong on both accounts.

He did remember me and we chatted off and on for three years on Facebook. I always enjoyed our conversations. He was with someone, I was just happy to be friends. Then last summer (2011). I noticed he had left New Brunswick and was on his way out West.

He started talking to me whenever he was on, we talked like old times. It seemed he had been hurt in his previous relationship but he was still upbeat with me. He told me he loved how happy and positive I was, he wanted to know how and why I felt like that. He wanted to feel the same way.

He asked me if I had a secret, I said yes;). He said do tell, I laughed and said it would take too long to type. He asked me if I was a tease?  I laughed and said I can be. That flirt changed everything. We talked for hours every night, we couldn't get enough of each other.

I told him one night that I deserved him because I deserved the best, he stopped me and said, "Did you ever think it was me that deserved you?"  I cried, no man had ever made me feel that special. All of this coming from the sweet boy I never forgot.

We made plans for him to come home for a visit, we thought it wouldn't be for months. I was on the bus one night and I thought wouldn't it be amazing to have him home for New Year's. I got home, he messaged me to say he might be home for New Year's, he wanted to spend it with me and he wanted to wake up with me and start the new year off right.

About a week later, I thought I wish he could be home for Christmas, I came home, he messaged me that he was almost positive he would be home for the Christmas holidays, I cried, my dream was coming true. He said I want to spend the holidays with the girl who held me in a piece of her heart all these years.

We were both crazy with anticipation, I had to work and couldn't meet him at the airport. It was better that way, he fulfilled another fantasy of mine, he showed up at my work with a dozen red roses and told the receptionist that he was my soldier boy from out West.

I was so high on happiness, I hugged him and it felt so amazing to be held by him. He came by to pick me up after work, I got in the car and smiled and giggled. He was going to start driving, I said wait, I got on my knees on the car seat and leaned over to kiss him.

That kiss was better than any imagined kiss I'd ever had about him. I had butterflies and my belly did flip flops. We both sighed, it was a long time coming. I felt complete, we were so close, so happy and so at ease with each other.

The holidays were amazing, he helped me to slow down and enjoy it all. Sometimes we rush too much and miss the joy we could have. We just enjoyed holding hands, walking arm in arm, driving around looking at Christmas lights, talking endlessly.

Waking up with him in my arms was magic, although I'm complete without him, I felt so fulfilled being with him. He saw the best in me, we are soul mates. He knows every crazy thing there is know about me and he still thinks I'm amazingly wonderful, he called me his special girl.

He told me to listen to the song Far Away by Nickleback, I think of him whenever I hear that song, that is our song, he said it was to apologize for making me wait for him for so long. I crushed on him in high school, I fell in love with him when I was an adult woman. No one in my whole life has made me feel I was so worthy, so lovable and so wanted... no one has ever made me feel that safe.

Whatever happens in the future we will be close, we love each other as best friends and no one can come between us. He's the man I can tell all my inner secrets to and I have told him all of them. I am his soft place to fall, whenever he needs me, I'll be there for him, always.

We transcend love, we were meant to be soul mates, we were destined. Our path proved that, we were never too far from each other. He thought about me over the years and he was the boy I could never forget.

Because he's always been so honest, I can believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful and amazing. He's not a liar. I feel so blessed to have him in my life and he feels the same way.

I will never give up on him, our paths are destined to be intertwined for the rest of our lives and maybe forever. No one knows what the future holds.

Judgements

 The other night I was thinking about my mother, I never grew up with her or knew much of her until I was 15,  I had only vague memories of her but all of them were good.  Like the time I didn't get off at the right bus stop and I put so much fear on my mother, I remember how loving and worried she was, I knew I was loved.  Well, when I reconnected with her, we really connected.  I could talk to her about everything and anything.

Then things changed when I had my second daughter Valentina, I wondered how my mother could possibly have abandoned me when I was so small and vulnerable and then actually raise my youngest sister.  Well, the other night I thought who am I to judge my mother?  My goodness, I have not been the best mother but I have loved my children.

My mother may have not been the perfect mother but she was my mother and I know she loved me and wanted the best for me, she wanted me to be happy.  Isn't that what we really want for our children.

Yes my life growing up as a child was abusive and difficult but I over came it, there was no way that I was going to be defined by my ex step mother Ruth.  She was wrong about us, we didn't just survive we thrived.  We all raised strong, beautiful children.  I attest my strength to overcome my childhood to my mother in many ways, she had me for my most informative years and she always made me feel loved and wanted when I was around her.

I had that memory to get me through, so who am I to judge my mother when she gave me a strong foundation of love to begin with.  I have stumbled but I have never given up completely.  I have come to a point in my life that I understand that nothing is black and white, nothing.

I love my mother and I am glad that I told her that often.