The Path That Is Leading Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am on my own tonight, that has not happened for a very long time... because my Cindy has been ill, I have Valentina all the time.  She used to spend a night at Cindy's house at least once per week, sometimes more... tonight Cindy was able to take her as I am participating in my 5K tomorrow.  I am excited that the day will finally be here, I plan to go to bed early and try to get as much rest as possible... I went for my last practice today and I am thrilled to say I kept my mile at an average of 14:42 per mile with a really large hill and another incline.  I don't want to make it easy for myself, that would be going on the track which is not what most 5K's are about.

In having this night for myself, I have time to think about things... It makes me wonder if what I always knew to be true was?  Or was it what I wanted it to be?  This past couple of weeks have opened my eyes in ways that I never knew they could be... I wrote the letter I needed to write but I haven't sent it... part of me wants to and the other part feels like it will finalize everything... What if I am not able to handle where the letter will take me?  What if it puts me in a place I can't come back from?  What if it changes everything?

Lately I am feeling like I have no one to just be myself with, everyone has so much going on, my Cindy is ill, really ill... I am very worried about her.  My David is busy with healing and other things, how I wish he and I could chat, I know it could change how I am feeling.  He always makes me laugh, he makes me see the sides of things I sometimes miss.  He is my best friend and he knows me inside out, no one knows me that well and I doubt that I would ever let anyone know me that well again.

Then again, I know my David that well too... as he has told me on many occasions... he has never been as opened with anyone as he has been with me, he feels safe with me as I feel safe with him... that's what friends do for each other, make each other feel safe.  He is the man I can always tell my secrets too and I will be the woman that will always be there for him... no matter what.  We will always be friends, nothing can change that, nothing ever will.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he told me that I am special to him and that I will always be that way to him and of course he is special to me. Sometimes life takes us on different paths but regardless of where his path and my path may lead, we will be intertwined as friends.

I am off to bed, I need to be up at 6:00 am as I need to be downtown for 8:00 am.  I will post the results tomorrow.  I am hoping to keep it under 46:00 minutes, I won't be running the whole thing but I will be walking as fast as possible, maybe next year I will be able to run the whole thing. I had a lot of weight I wanted to take off before I could actually run, it wouldn't have been good for my knees to put all that pressure on them, they are now starting to heal.  By next year I think they will be back to normal.

Thank you everyone for all the kind and encouraging words you have all given me, I am extremely grateful. This path I am on, the one to get healthy is one I will be on for the rest of my life and I am happy for that.  I am thankful that I finally see how important it is to eat healthy and to exercise too... I needed to do both together to be successful.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Disconnect To Connect...

I haven't been avoiding writing, I have been exhausted... I am pretty sure I slept for 9 hours last night... too bad it wasn't through the whole night but that comes because of my age.  I woke up at 8 am this morning, determined not to waste my Saturday sleeping it away... I caught up on all my blogs and then finally got myself moving to go out for a walk.  It was slightly warm but I walked for an hour in total, I stopped off at Cindy's to visit in between... I walked a lot of hills today, which is good... next week I am going to walk up Main Avenue, now that is a hill.  I will let you all know how I make out.

So for the good news, I am down 10 pounds for my first week, can I tell you how thrilled I am... I am so happy... I ended up walking for 24 miles last week.  This week I am going to aim for 28-30, that means I will have to walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes at lunch on top of the extra extra walking I am doing already.  I am so pumped and so in the zone.  I am eating healthy food and within my calorie intake...  I am not letting anything derail me.  I have a lot to prove to myself and I have something to prove to others.

Andrea, Paul and Jackson will be home on Wednesday, I still plan to walk as much as I possibly can... I don't want to miss a day if at all possible; I am making this a way of life.   I was able to get the time off next week for when Andrea is home, so we can spend a good deal of time together.  I am hoping to borrow a stroller and take Jackson on some of the walks I intend to take...  I think it will be fun, walking him around this city and great exercise for me.

On a side note, I am slightly frustrated with some people and their behavior... in the past I would have become so mad, then sad... then I would have done something to cover those feelings up.  This time I walked and I walked, which then helped me to sleep better at night... mostly from pure exhaustion..  For now it is okay for me to walk off my frustration but eventually I will have to deal with that issue head on.... Do you ever feel like you do all the hard work in a relationship?  Well that frustrates me that I feel like I do it all myself, there are a great deal of my friends that I find I have to make the first initiation...  Our lives have become too busy, too cluttered with things and time wasters... instead of connecting, we are disconnecting from each other.

Don't get me wrong I love technology it can bring us together when we allow it but I also feel we are so weighted down with overload of information that we just shut down and forget that we need a little human contact.  I had a wonderful visit with Cindy today, I had my phone but I just plugged it in and chatted with her while Valentina ran around outside with her friends... it reminded me of when I was younger and we just played outside for hours, enjoying all the made up games we had with each other... those times we really connected with each other.

I had two incidents in the last week that made me think... the first one I was buying a backpack for when I am walking.  Valentina noticed that some small change purses were on sale, I said... we don't buy things just because they are on sale, we buy things because we need them.... the cashier said... that's a good way to be... Of course it is... too often we think let's get it because of the sale, hence why we have too much stuff.  The other incident was in the grocery store and I told Valentina she could have a package of Tic Tacs... she was finding it hard to choose between the two flavors and wanted both and became frustrated with me.  I looked at her and said, you can have one or you can have none... she chose one.  The cashier said, good for you, too many parents give in and give both or try to talk their children into one.  My motto is one or none.

I think this walking that I am doing is clearing my head and making me look at life in a better way, one week ago I wondered where I would find the time to exercise; well... I found the time...  This is important in so many ways, one since I cannot take medication for my high cholesterol..  so walking and eating healthy is going to take care of that issue. Two, Valentina and I have lots of time together and she is exercising right along with me and three... I am gaining more than I can explain here right now... suffice to say that there are big changes on the way.  Some that people are going to like, others not so much but they are all good for me.

I can't leave without mentioning the weather in Alberta, I have quite a few friends out there... thankfully none of them have been affected by the flooding yet.  Most of them are on higher ground... My David just posted that there is a tornado watch up where he is in Alberta... all I can say is wow... the weather is becoming crazier and crazier everyday I turn on the news.  I am praying for everyone out there to be safe... Sadly I don't think this is the end of all this crazy weather that is happening in many places, which is pretty scary to say the least...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Free Falling.... Where Will I Land?

I feel like I did back in December... just trying to hold myself together... wondering if it is worth it...  I just feel as though I have a hole inside that I can't fill.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to help, instead everything I've attempted has actually left me feeling emptier.  I really thought that when I held it together over the holidays that I made it past some imaginary line and I was going to be able to cope with the future.

Lately though, it is a daily struggle to get through even a day.. .I have too much on my plate right now and I am trying so hard to see the good.  I know it's time for me to move but I am not looking forward to it, it's so huge, so much to do... with purging, packing, finding a place, finding people to help me move, unpacking... on and on... I am so exhausted thinking about it. 

Valentina is becoming a tween and with that she is finding her voice... which is good but difficult for me as the parent. Part of me wants to keep her a little girl for as long as possible but that is not what raising children is about.  It's about loving them and guiding them in the right direction, even when they go off track as teenagers... It's just very hard for me when she now starts to get upset with me and says hurtful things I know deep down she doesn't mean. 

I am in a place in my life where I don't want to argue with anyone, I want to get a long as much as possible.  That is a pipe dream when raising a preteen or teenager, even the best of them have their days and my Valentina is a very sweet girl but even she has her moments lately where she is voicing herself and not always in great ways...

I also have a new baby sitter starting in a week, Cindy found her for me... though I am happy about this... I will miss seeing my Cindy everyday and my never having to worry about Valentina while I was at work.  I knew she was being very well taken care of... now I have to get to know someone new and there will be growing pains as there is with any relationship... I really hope that Valentina clicks well with her as she did with Cindy.

Also, I am thinking of changing positions at work, I am the only one in my area that has not moved in the five years I have been there... because I was sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the change and the new learning curve that comes with any new job but I know it's time...

All of this is leaving me feeling rather lost and wanting to have something steady that I can hold on to... I reach out and there is nothing there... I am free falling and I am wondering where I will land when all of these changes happen. Part of me wants to see into the future and see that everything worked out okay... unfortunately we don't have that luxury... we have to keep going even though we have no idea where we will end up...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Taking A Step Back Can Be Good

I have been wanting to write all day after taking the night off last night.  I had parent teacher night where I met Valentina's new teacher... very sweet, you can tell she loves her students and she adores my Valentina, also she is doing so wonderfully in English and not struggling like she did when she was in French Immersion., so I am happy for her that she is excelling in school now.

I figured I would get up early and write but Cindy my best friend and sitter has been really ill lately and I have had to take Valentina to her house which means leaving at around six am to bus her up there and than me back down and out to work.  Sadly it looks as if Cindy will not be able to continue to care for my Valya, as she is so sick, She and I are going to work on finding someone else.  This is hard though, I want someone that loves Valentina as much as Cindy does and has the same values.

This is going to be so difficult for Cindy, Valentina and me, I always knew how blessed I was to have Cindy, I never ever took her for granted. She is the one that was there for me through all the craziness and supported me no matter how many bad choices I made.  I just want Cindy to be better and without pain.... no one should have to deal with that kind of pain...

So, after work today I had an appointment to cut Valentina's hair, her idea... not mine.  It turned out short but very cute. It will be much more manageable for her and besides her hair grows fast, we had wanted to donate her hair but you need at least ten inches and she only had eight to give.... We are keeping that hair in a pony with a ribbon and then I am going to box frame it.  The hair dresser even thought we had colored her hair because of the amazing natural high lights she has in her hair.  My daughter is nine... I do not color a nine year olds hair.  My oldest daughter Andrea has blonde hair with white blonde streaks that hair dressers always thought we did to her hair, they were always in awe when I explained it was natural.

I then went to buy groceries and I did not get home until after eight pm, I had to put her to bed and then finally could sit down and relax.  I did way too much today and my legs are letting me know it, I plan to rest them tomorrow afternoon as we have one more big activity, her school spring fling.  She loves it and she always has so much fun.

I need to simplify again, I don't like being busy every minute of the day... I want some downtime to rejuvenate me.  When I take a little more on than I can handle, I compensate by doing things like over eating, which is definitely not good for me.  The truth is that if I don't take care of me, no one else will.  I don't want to be a hermit in my house all the time by any means but I do like a night here and there without having to go somewhere after work.

The good thing about aging is that I don't stay in that state where I wear myself too thin trying to be everything to everyone.  It isn't possible, when I find that I am spinning a little out of control, I take a step back and start focusing on what is really important.  Eighty percent of what I think I need done can always wait and it is more than okay for me to say no when I am not capable of taking on one more thing.  I have really come to learn a great respect for someones time, that's one of the reasons if someone is driving me somewhere, I am waiting outside for them.  I don't expect them to wait a minute longer than necessary.. There are times it is good to take a step back and then more forward again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

A Day Of Catching Up

I have had a hectic couple of days, the first thing is that I have a slight infection in my graft site, I am taking antibiotics... every six hours for ten days.  I am sure it will be cleared up by the time I am back to work.  I feel fine, I am even walking without my lovely (NOT) purple cane.  I am still building up muscle from being so stationary for so long.  I have been getting out a little each day and gaining a little strength slowly.

I finally purchased a new computer after twelve long years, I am very happy about this as my old one was sooo sluggish and slow that it would take me about an hour to get a blog post out after I wrote it.  I can see it will be much easier as it does not freeze up like my old one.  However; I have to say I am so very technically challenged and as much as I love technology, I also become incredibly frustrated easily. 

I had it set up yesterday and it took until late in the evening for me to figure out how to operate Window 8... lol.   Most of it is set up, I just need the scanner/printer and the sound hooked up.  I am letting Valentina use the old one, once we can get that one back up on line, I will need to move everything from that computer to this one... oh joy oh bliss.  All I can say is thank goodness for Cindy and any of my other techy friends.

I spent the majority of the evening tonight catching up on the blogs that I follow, I love reading other peoples stories about their lives.  What I love most about blogging is the connection with people all over the world.  I think it is amazing how I can converse with people in Finland, Poland, Australia, England, Romania, Brazil... I know I am leaving out countries, I apologize  and of course I cannot leave out North America.

When I think of growing up in the early seventies, I realize how small my world was... technology changed very little back then.  It sped up a lot in the nineties and for me it became a challenge to keep up.  I have to thank my oldest daughter Andrea, she led me into the new century of technology, with her love of every new gadget, as well she was so proficient in their uses. 

Although I adore all the new items to keep us more connected, I sometimes wonder if it doesn't disconnect us with the over load.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
 

We Need To Listen To Ourselves

Today I went to work, or should I say I limped and cried my way to work.  I have had terrible pain in my legs for the past 5 days.  I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what was different?  This pain could not have just came out of the blue.... all of a sudden I thought about all my symptoms which are ones that I have had in very small degrees and then I pieced it all together and a light bulb came on.  My doctor had just upped my dosage on a pill I was taking about two weeks ago.  I went on their website to look at the side effects... there was my main side effect... 

I stayed at work for as long as I could but finally I couldn't handle the pain any longer and I had to leave.  My boss drove me to the main bus depot, cutting off an hour of my travel (thank you Stephanie).  I got to the hospital in about 30 minutes, they took me in immediately and I saw a doctor that fast.  I than had blood taken and the waiting game began.  Four and half hours later, a new doctor came in, she said my blood work looked great and that she believed that it was the pill I was taking, especially after I explained I had been having very minor symptoms before... I am off that pill for now... hopefully they give me something else.

 I have to tell you, I was never so frightened in my life.  I have no strength in my legs, I could make myself stand and walk but it was beyond painful.  I was messaging everyone, people kept me entertained thankfully.  My 'D' kept texting back and forth with me and kept it positive, once I heard back from the doctor, I thanked him for just listening to me complain about the pain and especially my fears.  He was all good about it, he totally understood and said it was his pleasure.

 My Cindy kept Valentina for me, Cindy and I kept in close contact messaging back and forth too... I really am a people person, I need contact.  I would have gone silly crazy in that room for over four and half hours without my blackberry to keep contact with the outside world... lol. 

What I wanted to say here is that we all need to listen to our body... I knew there was something off, I knew it wasn't just some random thing happening to me.  I investigated it and I made sure the doctors listened to me.  I didn't phoo phoo it...  none of us should let something go when we ourselves know that something is off with us.  We are the only ones who really know our own body's, I am grateful that when the prompting, thought... whatever you want to call it came to me.  I listened, really listened and then I did something about it.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

More Of This Please‏

"Every time you appreciate something; every time you praise something; every time you feel good about something, you are telling the Universe: "MORE OF THIS, PLEASE!" You need never make another verbal statement of this intent and, if you are mostly in a state of appreciation, all good things will flow to you."
- Esther Abraham-Hicks

I appreciate my children, they are wonderful, caring, kind and loving girls.  Although I am not speaking to my oldest daughter at the moment (her choice, not mine), I think of her daily.  I pray for her and her beautiful family.  My youngest is so soft hearted she loves me, sometimes more than I feel I deserve.

 I am grateful for my friend Cindy who has always been there for me, even though I'm sure I've frustrated her on many occasions over our many years of being friends. She amazes me with her love for children, she rarely tires of them with their endless chatter and bountiful energy.  She has so much patience with them, especially with my Valentina.  I credit Cindy with giving her a strong foundation. 

I am so thankful for my close friendship with David. Although it has been a really tough year for both of us, he has been there for me and centered me when most people would have given up on me. I pushed the envelope with him on countless occasions, almost pushing him totally away but thankfully we remain as close as ever. I so desperately want to be there for him as he is and has been there for me.  I adore how much my David  loves his children, he's an amazing daddy!

I love that quote at the top of the page, I'm going to take every free moment that I have, praising the people in my life, being endlessly grateful for each of them.  I want the universe and my Heavenly father to know that I want more of these people in my life.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Preparing Myself

It's been a couple of days since I blogged, that's not like me.  Especially since I've had so much on my mind.  Instead of writing, I've been thinking through my issues, I'm still working on them.  My mind has been racing with thoughts, trying so hard to figure everything out and I only feel like I'm spinning my wheels.  I've decided to put it away for awhile, hopefully I will find an answer down the road.

I've been on my cleanse for almost six weeks, not watching TV has been the easiest thing, my social media has been more difficult for me.  It's my way to stay in contact with my family and friends.  I can see me staying with the food part of the cleanse for the majority of my eating.  I will allow a little of the items I gave up, however; I will be more conscientious.


Something big that I have learned here is that I kind of miss the simpler times before Black berry's and internet, before we felt the need to have instant contact, that will entail my not being so addicted to social networking once I come back in November. 

I've been walking some, not enough but I'm working on building up my stamina so that as soon as my doctor says that I can start running, that I'll be ready. I've even found some friends that run now and are willing to run with me when I'm ready.

I am taking next week after the holidays (Thanks giving) to start cleaning.  I'm going to do Valentina's room first, that will take me a whole day, then the kitchen (another day).  Finally, I can do my room and the living room in one day.

It's difficult to get myself out of the rut that I have been in this past nine months but I have to do it regardless of how I feel.  Living in the disaster is starting to cause me more issues.   I know that once I get it organized I will feel so much better.  I also know that cleaning the clutter in my home will help clear my mind as well, clutter is always a symptom of what is going on in my life.

So, the first step is de cluttering my home, which in turn should de clutter my life... helping me to see the future with opportunities.  I really need to get my home and life in a little order before I actually have to go in for my operation.  Once I have that I will be very limited, Cindy will come down periodically which is wonderful... I want it to be simple for her, so I need to be prepared.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Empowered

I've been thinking about my ex Andrey since he sees Valentina every week and I'm there unfortunately.  I don't like to be around him, he reminds me of too many memories.  All the name calling, the pushing, the threats and finally the rape.

All of that was hard to overcome but I have, I will never tolerate less than I deserve again. It feels great to be so strong, it reminds me of the song by Helen Reddy, 'I am woman hear me roar'.  I wrote about this song one other time.  It was after I stood up to Andrey in court.  It felt so liberating and free, I'm beginning to feel like that butterfly:).

I guess I am stronger than I think I am, I really have survived some very awful things.  I'm not going to let any of it bring me down, I am grateful for my two beautiful daughters and for amazing friends who have faith in me and believe in me.  Everyone of my good friends helped me get through all the life choices I made to deal with what Andrey had put me through. I don't need to behave so recklessly now that I've dealt with those things that I put up with from Andrey.

You know what I can say about that girl, she was sad and she felt trapped. I wish I would have known that I was free to live my life the way I wanted. I just had to make that decision and I finally did. One of the best things I ever did for myself.

Now because I know I am worth more than that, I deserve the best.  I won't settle for anything but the best.  I love that Helen Reddy song, it's a beautiful reminder of how strong we really are as women.  It's empowering!!!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Am I Ready To Fly

Fly to be free
Don't fly to get away from the past
Fly to explore the future

I am blessed because I have people in my life who believe in me. When times are tough, these people always remind me about the good qualities I have, apparently I have a few;), especially when I have a difficult time seeing them myself.

I have Cindy, we've been great friends for about 23 years (I think!).  She cheers me on even though she does not agree with me often.  I know I drive her crazy with some of my decisions but she does support me in the better ones.

Of course I have my daughter Andrea who is always quick to point out things I can change which is fine, she loves me.  Even though I have driven her a little crazy over the years.  We grew up together and she turned out wonderful despite my of lack of conformity.

Also I have my David, although things are not as easy for us right now as they have been in the past, what relationship is?   I know that I can always count on him to be there for me and I will always be there for him too. Life is busy for both of us, heck life is busy for everyone.  I think we all need to simplify.

Lately I have been feeling like I have to push myself outside my comfort zone, I always like being comfortable at ease, I can't stand to feel that I am out of control.  When I am out of control, I am terrified... that is supposed to be good right?  I have written how change can be awesome but when it comes right down to it, I didn't want to change... I just wanted everything handed to me because I am a good person.  Now I see that is not enough, I have to stretch outside my comfort zone and prove to myself that I can do it.

This is only the start, I have a huge change that is coming but I am really looking forward to the outcome.  The outcome will be amazing and exactly everything I have worked and hoped for all my life. I saw something today that showed me that it is okay if I am the only one to believe in something, I can know the truth when no one else believes, I have to believe in myself.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield