There's No Excuse To Give Up On Me

Time really gets away from you, before you know it, a week or two has gone by and I begin to wonder how it flew by and I had so little to show for it.  I kept planning on blogging and always something would get in the way but when I thought about what that something was, there was nothing that I could put my finger on. It's exactly when I realized I need to schedule time for the things I want to do as well as need to do.  I don't know that I will write weekly as I had hoped but I am going to put more effort into it in the future. 

I don't want a month or two to go by and wonder what I had accomplished... I lost my focus when I got injured and I used it as an excuse to do nothing. When I think about it, I allowed myself to give up on me... I wallowed in the injury and the pain with wondering why me? How come I had to deal with this pain when I had done everything right by eating healthy and exercising almost daily ... What had I done wrong to deserve this trial?  Hadn't I worked hard to get on the right path?  Where was reward for putting in the work?

Then a couple of days ago I was talking to a couple of ladies, lamenting the fact that I had to deal with this pain. We then talked about how many of us held on to anger and pain because we wouldn't allow ourselves to forgive others or ourselves. I found myself talking from the heart about how forgiveness is really the only path, no matter what we have had to deal with. I say this as I have dealt with a great deal of painful trials that I could have sat there and allowed it to take over my life... I knew at the age of 15 that forgiveness was the only way I could ever progress in my life... it was when I started forgiving people for pain they inflicted on me, even if they didn't feel they needed the forgiveness. 

Yet, I found myself angry and disappointed with having to deal with this trial, especially when I felt I had done nothing to bring it on... This was when I begin to think about people who did nothing to bring on catastrophic health issues or people who have lost loved ones due to freak accidents or severe weather. I begin to think about how blessed I was, I have two healthy children, I have a career I love that allows me to work from home and I have overcome one crazy trial after another... gaining strength and knowledge that helped me to grow.  I'm still not sure what I need to learn from this one but I also realized I no longer want to use it as an excuse not to work on becoming a better me. 

For the next few days I took the time to ponder the blessings I gained through trials... which made me think about when I was going through each trial and I was absolutely sure there could not be a good enough reason I had to deal with it... yet each time I got through a trial, I was able to clearly see the reason. I have heard people say that there are certain things they could never forgive, mainly because they believe that people only believe that forgiveness should be given to people who admit that have done something that caused pain and that they promise to never do that again... however; there are many people who will never admit to the pain they caused or feel they need forgiveness... forgiveness is for us, more than it is for anyone else. 

Whether the pain brought on by others or pain from life trials, forgiveness is always the answer.  Otherwise, we are the only ones that held hostage to the pain... never being free.  I had forgot this since I had been injured and not able to walk as I loved to do so much... There are other people going through health issues much worse than mine, life threatening ones. Although I understand we shouldn't measure our trials more or less than others... as what we deal with is real for us... however; I think we need to keep everything is perspective. I am sure I will have to remind myself of this in the future, I am hoping it won't take me as long to remember... I am not the only one dealing with pain and I can't use it as an excuse to give up on myself.

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Focus

There have many many posts going around about choosing a word for a year, as I read them I became inspired to come up with one for myself. At first, it was quite daunting, I came up with a few words but nothing resonated with me. By day three I began to think it was futile... but I didn't want to give up, that was when FOCUS came into my mind, then each day that went by, I heard it and it reverberated with me more and more. 

With choosing the word FOCUS, I came to a conclusion about my health... sitting here wanting to find a way to make a change is all good but without making a plan then nothing will change. I kept hoping that an easy method would be laid out in front of me, which is silly as it won't be simple, it will take a great deal of work and a great deal of FOCUS.  When I was successful in the summer of 2013, I didn't let anything get in the way... not even my 50th birthday, I was in a zone, I was FOCUSED.

So, I made a plan to get started, this weekend was the one to make plans, first I sat down and created a budget... I had played around with one for the last few years but never really sticking to it... There were times I would go to the grocery store and wonder if my bank card would have insufficient funds, other times I would check at the last minute and realize I would have to take money out of my savings account to cover living expenses. This year is different, I have budgeted for everything I can think of and mainly I have started a decent savings account which I don't want to dip into unless there is some sort of emergency. 

I really had to make a budget as Valentina will be seeing the orthodontist in the next six weeks and I will have a monthly bill for a few years ... it's a necessity though as I feel teeth are extremely important for your self-esteem.  I am very aware of this as my teeth were damaged excessively from the medication I had to take after the fire I  survived as a baby The Fire - 48 Years Ago. I was very blessed to have met a woman from my church in my 30's who offered to pay to have my teeth fixed, the dental school then took me on as a project and I didn't have to pay anything, for this I was incredibly grateful. It changed my life in ways I never would have believed, it was a blessing...

With the budget, I made room to spend a little money on my health... I will talk about it more in upcoming posts, although I have a great deal of weight to lose, I am not thinking about a number, I am using this opportunity to get healthy. Many of you gave me some really great ideas, I plan to try the indoor walking again as I physically cannot handle walking great distances outside and Yoga is my number one plan as I need to gain balance. I have seen it work for many older people, it gave them back their lives.

When I started working from home I took the opportunity to sleep in until 7:00 am and sometimes 7:30 am when Valentina has no school. With that I was staying up much too late at night, sometimes 11:00 pm which isn't helpful for me to get the proper rest I need to function... So, I am making 10:00 pm my bedtime and then getting up at 6:30 am spend 30 minutes doing yoga and meditation. Also, one of the best things I have done for myself is that I plug my phone in across the room so that I no longer play with it at night and when the alarm goes off, I get right up... it was a good decision... it will help me keep FOCUS....

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Gratitude For What I Have And What I Lost

Sometimes it seems like I never have enough time in the day, between working, walking and having a little down time... I have a desire to write but it always gets put on the back burner for other things. When I first started really writing in early 2012, I wrote nearly everyday and I did this for almost 2 years of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I did that but it was something I needed to do to heal my heart, that is what writing does for me.

I rarely go back and read those posts I wrote a few years ago because they were raw and bring back memories of a time I believed in dreams that never came to pass... I read a couple of them this week and although they were very sad at times I also saw that I have grown more than I ever thought I was capable of... There were days back then where I wondered how I would or could make it through. Days I was sure that my life would never get to a point where I could ever believe in anything again. 

I had a couple of defining moments, one was when I finally decided I was tired of the excuses as to why I could not lose weight ... for the first time in my life I shelved every single one of them and put my whole heart and soul into me... I believed in myself, I saw my successes and each day I begin to know more and more that I could and would succeed. The second was losing 'him', I cannot even convey the pain I dealt with... words could not describe it... although I still miss 'him' I gained closure that I was unsure I would ever find.

I even think one day I will know why I had to go through that loss, there has to be a bigger reason, I will get the a ha moment out of the blue and smile to myself and think... that was why. Until then I rarely let myself think about 'him' or the past ... he pops in and out of my mind but I don't let 'him' reside there for too long. Usually I get up and go out for a long walk... it clears my mind and I gain focus again. One thing I learned is that although you can have a best friend as we were, you can only rely on yourself, people change. 

This is a difficult weekend for me as it is the anniversary of the fire where I was burned so badly at 15 months old and where my sister died... that catastrophic event changed my families life and challenged us all. Even though we lost so much that day, I still work on finding gratitude for what I have and what I lost... I survived and I thrived... 

Yesterday I went for a long walk, part of me was trying to convince myself that first I could skip a day and then second I only needed to do a couple of miles but I didn't listen to that part, I walked for almost 6 miles and I felt gratitude that I didn't give up, I pushed myself even though part of me didn't believe I could... It was an accomplishment that showed me, each day I wake up and make a choice to be better than I was the day before, I fought against all the odds and became a strong person who refuses to give up.

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All The Scars That Made Me Stronger

This last week was a week that gave me time to reflect, due to two massive snowstorms that essentially shut our city down. We had so much snow that it was actually a little scary... I thought about people who might need medical care or if a fire were to happen.

Thankfully I didn't lose power, so I just waited it out. I do live very close to a store that is open 24/7, so I ventured out there once the storm stopped. What normally takes me 3-4 minutes to get there, took me about 10-12 minutes of hard exercise. I used muscles I didn't even know I had.

We are all hoping this is the last of it, it's been a long hard Winter here that has made me think about some alternatives. Which I'll get into later after I look into my options more in depth. The Maritimes can be a tough place for the Winters, yet I am aware that all places have there weather issues.

It's much like the trials we have been given throughout our lives... we often think life would be easier without the challenges we have ... but truthfully aren't they what makes us who we are? Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by them and I just want to hide but there's a part of me that won't allow that.

I'm sure many of you know that I was burned in a fire when I was 15 months old, I wrote about it in the post The Fire - 48 Years Ago. Over the years I have often wondered where I would be in this life if I had not had to deal with the trial of the fire. I learned early on that we are not truly loved for what we look like on the outside, that comes from who we really are on the inside.

I have thought over the years that my being scarred has prevented me from finding love. I have even had a few men tell me that it bothered them, which hurt but I came to the conclusion that if they could not see past the outer me, they were missing out on the real me.

I am the girl who would love someone with her whole heart and I would be tenacious enough to never give up because of superficial things. I feel sorry for the men I have met in my life who couldn't look past the scars I have...We all have them, some of ours are more visible than others.

Even though my life was incredibly difficult with having to live with the scars, I don't think I would change it if I could because I might not have learned that we are not truly loved for who we are on the outside, it is what is inside that counts.

I believe those scars made me stronger, kinder and more compassionate than I would have been without them. They helped me to be more real, more myself and more understanding... I wouldn't trade them for anything. 

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I'm Hoping I Left Some Of It Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am not even sure what I want to write or if I should write... I haven't slept for a couple of days, other than an hour or so at a time... even when I took the opportunity to nap in the day over the weekend, it was only an hour here and there.  Tonight, no matter what I do, sleep eludes me... unfortunately for reasons I can't talk about, reasons I feel like I have no one to talk with...  I don't ever think I have felt this lonely and alone in my life. How did I get to this place in my life where I have no one, no one because I feel I would be judged.

Only my David and he is busy as well as healing... he never judges me, why can't more people be like that? I feel so frustrated that I could scream and I know I can't because that would not solve anything... I feel sad and nothing I do is making the sadness go away... I feel angry and I don't want to feel this way.  Truthfully a huge part of me wants to do anything I can so that I don't have to feel the way I am feeling right now... so many silly ideas ran around in my head all day long...  Not one of them were viable... as in the end, none of them would make me happy, none of them would take the pain away.

It would still be there, how would that solve anything?... I guess I have to walk through the pain, no matter hard it is, no matter how sad it is... I want to make it to the other side... In the past I avoided walking through the pain... I did everything and anything so that I never had to feel it... What did it accomplish?  Nothing... the pain was still there... I am just so afraid that I will walk through the pain and it will still be there, then what do I do?

I walked tonight, I really walked fast on the track... I kept going around and around the track, hoping I would tire myself out so that I wouldn't have to think... I sat down after forty some minutes and the sweat literally rolled off me and dripped everywhere, it stung my eyes, my pony tail was soaked against my back, every article of clothing I had on was stuck to me.  I just sat there... and then the tears came, the ones I had been trying to hold back.  No one knew, it looked like I was sweating ... I didn't care.  I felt empty and yet the tears continued and pain didn't cease.

Now I can't sleep and the tears won't stop ... the only good thing is that I have not fallen back into old patterns... I didn't breakdown and eat everything, I walked... I did two good things and it is still the same... But because they are the same, it showed me that falling into old patterns never solved the pain, maybe with my new pattern... eventually I will walk through the pain to the other side.

My whole life is flipped upside down... I'm not complaining, everyone has that from time to time... it is apart of living.  Just as I say and believe, it isn't the amount of challenges we get through, it is how we get through them... I want to get through this one in the best way possible.  So many times today I wanted to lay on the floor in a fetal position and just cry until there was nothing left inside but honestly this pain will not be cried out in a day... it will take a lot of time. It's probably one of the most difficult days of my life and I thought the day that David told me we were not going to make it was the hardest day.

This was much worse, I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly sad I am and how much pain I am feeling.  There are not enough words to adequately explain what I am feeling.  I am sure people have felt more than I have had to deal with today... but I can tell you this... I would take back all the pain I have had in the past and trade this day away.  I was burned in a fire that I have to live with everyday... it changed my family and I have been physically and emotionally abused as a child for many years, I was degraded and emotionally abused in my marriage and then finally raped by Andrey,

I would take back every single one of those if I could trade today away but of course I can't... this is one of those defining moments in my life, the kind that will ultimately break me or make me so strong that I will not even believe it is possible.  I know how tough this is to read, believe I know... I wrote it, it was and is inside me... I wrote tonight in hopes that I could leave some of it somewhere, other than inside my heart and head... Maybe I could sleep for an hour or two... I'm hoping....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Freedom From The Whys

Today was a MUCH  better travel trip to work, all three buses connected and I arrived there in 55 minutes... I had another good day at work, the clients and I had some great conversations and I helped fix some really big issues.  I feel like I am learning and retaining lots of things lately, it was very true what they told me when I was hired... they said that it took about six months that you stopped panicking on a call and you actually new something but that it could take up to two years to feel like you knew something.  I have been in my position for almost five years and although I get crazy questions, I am in the state that I want to know why instead of just giving an answer someone else told me to give. That feels good, that feels productive to me.... since I wondered how or why I wasn't let go in the beginning from all the mistakes I made and how slowly it took me to understand programming.

My company knows and understand that this is not an easy peasy job... it takes time, it is almost like learning a whole new language, as everything is in code and there are so many you cannot memorize them, so you just learn as each day goes by... I think it's awesome.  I love my job, I feel I am very good at it and I love that I continue to learn every single day.

So, the only thing to mar an otherwise wonderful day was that my David messaged me to tell me that his Son is having troubles again... it breaks my heart because my D is far away and he can't be here and he loves his son so much.  He really is a very good daddy, I knew there was a reason I was attracted to him when I was a teenager, I could see all those amazing qualities in him that he now possesses... He probably already had them, he just magnified them.

I will be sending out good and positive thoughts for David's son as well as prayers.  I know he won't rest until he hears some good news, my D already has too much on his plate and I am hoping for this will be one less issue he will have to deal with. 

David asked me why bad things seem to always happen to good people and why people who seem to hurt other people don't have consequences?  I understand completely where he is coming from, I have a lot of people who ask me this... First and foremost for me, I gave up questioning why?  There was never an answer, I will not understand why... second, for me to move on, I have to forgive some of those people who may have hurt me or ones that I love... otherwise I would be the one suffering by becoming bitter and angry.  I definitely have many things that I could question....

Why did I have to go through the fire?  Why did I have to grow up with an abusive ex step mother?  Why did I have to deal with being raped by Andrey?  I gave up asking all those why's because I wanted to live in the present and I didn't want the past to pull me down.  I forgave the abuse and the rape, it doesn't mean I want to have either of these people in my home for dinner... it means I can be civil to them and not let them dictate my present and future.

I didn't come to any of this easily, I had to take all the hard roads but with each trial I have endured, I have grown from them... It actually feels good to let go, it means one less thing for me to worry about... Who needs added things to worry about?  Not me and I hope we can all learn to forgive and move on, not for any of those people that may of hurt or wronged us but for ourselves, it's freeing..

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Fire - 48 Years Ago‏

So, I've told this story hundreds of times if not thousands, even though I have no real memory of it.  Here is the story from all the collective sources. (My mom, my dad, my grandmother and a few newspaper clippings).

My mom and dad who had been together for about five years had three children.  There was my sister Kimmy (Kimberly Albina Rhyno) me (Launna Randy Rhyno) and my sister Shelly (Rochelle Lynn Rhyno).  My mother's step father had been ill in 1964 and so my dad and mom traveled to Salem, Oregon from Halifax, Nova Scotia with Kimmy, me and mom was pregnant with Shelly.

They also brought Mary (a 16 year old girl they knew from Halifax) to help out.  While we were in Oregon Shelly was born that July and by September my parents started home to Halifax, Nova Scotia.  They drove through Washington into British Columbia and ended up stopping in Kelowna BC.

They decided to rent a cabin and worked by picking fruit for money.  The morning of Monday October, 12 Thanksgiving 1964, mom and dad left for work.  It was just Mary and myself that were up, I was nearly 15 months old.

My parents had left the Coleman stove out on the table. Apparently I pulled the stove off the table which had a gas tank attached to it at the exact same time that Mary was lighting the wood stove.  Everything burst into flames and I was in the center of it all. 

Kimmy was in the bedroom off to one side and Shelly was in the back bedroom.  Mary walked through the flames to save me.  She tried to talk Kimmy into coming but she was too afraid of the fire. Mary ran to the closest neighbor with me and they drove her and me to the orchard to let my parents know and someone called the firemen.

Mary and I were rushed to the hospital, my parents got back to the cabin to find it burned to the ground.  Kimmy had died, Shelly was pronounced dead at the scene (they revived Shelly on the way to the hospital).  They had seen me and I was massively burned.

I can see why my mother had a difficult time celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving as she nearly lost her whole family that day. My mom said she remembered very little for the first couple of weeks due to shock.  She remembered Kimmy being buried in red silk, her favorite color.

My father than fell apart and my mom sent him back to Halifax to be with his parents while she looked after Shelly and drove between two hospitals daily to see Mary and me.  Then on the 10th day in, Mary died (apparently she couldn't deal with the fact that Kimmy had died).

My mother was a strong woman but this even shook her.  She said she had nearly fallen to pieces but she had to be strong for my sister and me.  I was going through numerous operations, she was told I wouldn't live, then when I lived, she was told I wouldn't have feet to walk with and I'd be lucky to have patches of hair.

I was a fighter,  I survived and beat all the odds.  It was pretty amazing to survive after 60% of my body was burned, especially in 1964.   Anyhow I'm still walking with my feet the doctors thought I would lose and I have enough hair for two people. The plastic surgeons worked miracles and made it possible for me to live a fairly normal life.

I cry when I think about what my parents had to deal with, losing Kimmy the way they did.  They never overcame the grief and although they had my sister Lisa in 1966, they separated within a couple of years.  By 1969 my mom had left and I was not to see her again until 1978 when I was 15. 

My parents tried to reconcile but it didn't work out, which I feel was horribly sad.  My mother loved my father with her whole heart and she did until the day she died. My father was never truly happy, he searched his whole life and had addictions to cover the pain he had.

That fire in October 1964 ended up destroying my family and changing us all for the rest of our lives, we still deal with the repercussions to this day.

I am, however; extremely grateful to Mary for walking through the fire to save me, I'm thankful for the firemen who saved my sister Shelly, I'm indebted to the doctors who worked miracles on me.

There are blessings even in difficult times.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield