Serving Others Is A Form Of Love

I really enjoyed getting caught up with so many of you, I am still working at getting back into the hang of blogging, I have been trying not to overwhelm myself too much. I need to find some middle ground... which isn't the easiest thing for me as I have always been an all or nothing kind of girl, which means if I can't keep up I give up and do something else. I have been contemplating how to change that aspect of myself... there is nothing wrong with wanting to attain the highest level but giving up because I feel like it's a failure on my part isn't what I want for myself anymore. 

I will never give up writing, it has been the one constant part of my life that has helped me to grow, I have been able to see another way to handle a test or trial. Even when I wasn't physically writing the past few months, I spent a lot of time writing in my mind, thinking of what it would take for me to finally get back to actually writing on the computer. Blogging wasn't my first thought as I feel that blogging is meant to be interactive, I couldn't just write and walk away... so I wrote a couple of times in my private blog just to write, it helped being able to get it out and see it in words. 

My church believes in journals or keeping diary for ourselves that ultimately our family would be able to read our thoughts and ideas sometime in the future... I know my mom wrote a few letters to my sister Kimmy and when she passed on I got a copy of the notebook, it was such beautiful memories that I could read at anytime and pass down to my own children in time. I can see the importance of keeping my private ideas and thoughts for my family in the future. What I learned from this over the years is that I see how alike we are... yes we all have differences but ultimately we go through many of the same trials. Which is why I think writing about how we deal with something might help someone else... I know that I have learned from others writings and I have found a way to make it through a test I was unsure I would be able to get through. 

I have been feeling cut off with my health issues and I have felt like I failed... I had gained my life life back by becoming healthy and now I feel like I am back where I was and actually further from my goals. A friend who went through something similar sent me a website with some ideas of how to strengthen my back so that my sciatica won't be so painful and a very good friend dropped over and told me not to give up, she would be ready to walk with me when the time came that I wasn't in such a great deal of pain. I honestly had given up on my health and thought to myself that this was the way my life was going to be.... but I can't give up because it's hard, it's not going to be simple, it's going to be painful and it's going to take a great deal of work but I want my life back... it's time for me start doing something, even if it's small and not to get discouraged when it takes longer than I think it should. 

I haven't been attending my church because I felt it was too painful... I have people that are willing to pick me up and take me home part way... at least I can get out weekly and see other people so that I am not feeling as though I am so trapped in my home. I need that connection with other people, even if it is only for a short time each week... It will be good for me to hear other thoughts and ideas so that I am not sitting at home, convincing myself there is no way out. I want to help others, so that I will think of myself less... 

I feel like service is the way for me to better myself in the long run... I might not be able to do anything to physical at the moment but I can talk to people and I can take the time to write my story for my children. There is a lot of my life on this blog but I don't write about everything as there are personal things I don't want everyone to know but I do want my children to know it all one day... as I am sure they will have to deal with many of the same trials in their lives and I want them to know that there is always a way through, no matter how difficult the test is... I have been served with love by many people over the years, it's time for me to serve others the same way... 

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A Year From Now

The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy for me, I have my final exam I am taking in less then three weeks, so I will be studying every night until the final. I am still going to take a little time for myself to read blogs but I probably won't be able to comment as much as usual or write another post until then. I hope you all understand, once the exam is over I will be back to normal.

It's good though as the next few weeks are full of memory dates that hopefully I will be to busy to even notice any of them. Then as soon as I am finished the exam, I will be going full force with decorating my house and getting my first real Christmas tree in over twenty years. I am kind of excited, I had stopped getting real ones because I didn't want to worry about having to purchase a tree every year... this year I decided it was worth the extra effort to really go all out and make this year special. 

Valentina and I have been making plans of what we want to bake ... we are also making a list of people we want to deliver the treats to, we plan to take a few days around Christmas to drop over and visit people and give them a little special treat we made together. Valentina is very excited and I am too, I need to do something for other people so that I won't be thinking about myself and the dates filled with memories.

Usually I have Christmas dinner at home with Valentina but my sister has invited us over to her place with my niece and nephew and their families. I was so thrilled when she asked us to come over; first, I get to spend the holidays with my family and second I don't have to cook. By next year we will be moved as that is high on my list of priorities this summer, then hopefully I can host a Christmas dinner at my new place next year.

I am making the changes I need to make so that my holidays won't be the sad reminders they have been for the past couple of years.... I have known logically that I needed to make changes, I just didn't have what it took to make them... until now. I wish I had made them earlier but at least I am making the decision today...

I am not going to beat myself up for not deciding this earlier as feeling guilty won't change the past, it will only leave me feeling defeated and sad... as Maya Angelou said...  When you know better... you do better..

I've been thinking about how I finally made the decision to lose the weight, I had decided that I didn't want to be in the same place a year from then... It's the same thing here... in a year from now, I don't want to be thinking about the past memories of what ifs...  I want to be planning a wonderful Christmas without any sad memories taking over... Making new memories today will help me succeed even better next year...

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The Past Does Not Define Me

I've been floating around lately, not committing to anything... my thinking had been if I didn't make a commitment, I wouldn't fail. However; if I don't make a commitment to something, I won't just risk staying in the same space... I will risk going backwards.

So, today I have made a step forward ... this step has been one I have 'tried' before but never committed to... This is an ongoing lesson that I have had to learn time and again. It makes me question why I have had to relearn the same concept over and over? For me to be successful I need to commit fully, otherwise I won't move forward, I'll slide back. I have worked too hard this past year and a half to give up on myself now.

This time of the year is difficult for many people, for me it is a reminder of many dates and memories that although wonderful are painful to deal with... I've decided that I'm going to immerse myself in the holidays this year. I don't plan to go overboard with the money as that isn't the spirit I'm looking for.

I'm looking at being of service to others who need me. I want to decorate, bake for others and invite people over to bring the joyful feeling in my home. I have an idea of something that Valentina and I will be doing to bring that feeling into our home and hearts more. 

I'm not giving into the sad moments this year... I'm immersing myself in the upcoming season and remembering the true reason for this time of year. For me it is not about the gifts at all, it's the feelings it can bring.

I have allowed that amazing holiday with 'him' to stop me from making new and better memories. That is changing this year, both Valentina and I deserve better than past memories, we are making new ones together. The past will not define who I am in the future, the present will.

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I Am Requesting Prayers and Positive Thoughts for my 'D'

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

UPDATE:

I will write more tomorrow... my David okay, he made it through the surgery, it was very serious.. I am really grateful to everyone for their prayers and positive thoughts... 

Tomorrow is the big day, the big scary day for me... David is going in for surgery at 11:00 am Alberta time, which will be about 2:00 pm my time.  We talked today, he said the surgeon is known to be very good.... I hope so.  Of course I won't hear anything until my David is alert and able to text me, that might not be until the next day. Maybe someone will post it on his Facebook wall, I know I will be on pins and needles until I know he is okay.  I told him that I will be posting a request on Facebook for prayers and good thoughts for him, I am not above begging for my David.  Whatever your belief system is, could you either pray or send out positive thoughts for him?  He means a great deal to me, I am pretty sure that anyone who reads my blog is well aware of that but just in case you didn't know and might have been living under a rock, my David is extremely important to me.

Today with all the worry I have, he set about to make me laugh, he is always trying to make me smile or laugh.. he is funny and he tries to see the lighter side of things.  It is a good trait to have, it is not always easy for him as he has had many difficult trials in the past few years... however; he tries very hard to not let it get him down.  I took an opportunity to go for a jog/walk today, I did my 5K in 47.4 minutes, almost as good as last week.  It was raining today, so I was a little nervous of slipping on a leaf so I was a little more careful than usual.  I was soaked by the time I got home but it felt great, I was tired but in a good way if you know what I mean.  The muscles in my legs had been sore but after this workout, they started feeling better, I really stretched them out.  What I am really hoping is that I am able to sleep, although I don't hold out a lot of hope that, that will happen. I didn't sleep much before my own operation and I tend to worry more for other people than myself... I think most of us do.  Besides this is my David...

I have to say something, it isn't about one person... I might have even been guilty of this in the past.  I am not pointing fingers but why must we do everything we can to tear another person down?  Why would we not want to lift each other up? Just because we don't always think like someone else, why do we feel the need to take that opportunity to be nasty to each other?  I personally do not want to be nasty to anyone... I may have been in the past, I am not perfect but the older that I get the less I want to be mean or hurtful to other people.  We are all dealing with our own baggage in life, none of us have a simple life, (it only looks like it sometimes).

First there is an incident at work, I was shocked at how some people talk to each other, we are in this together... we should be lifting each other up, working together.  Not trying to pull each other down, I myself had some small incidents with people from other regions in the past and it made me sad that there was any hurt feelings between us but I certainly work very hard to get along with the people that I work with on the floor...  we are a diverse group of people, we have different things going on in our personal lives but the last thing I want to do is make it any harder for any of my co-workers.  I would hope that everyone would want this too... we have to see each other everyday, let's try to get along.

The second incident was through a church friend, for some reason someone felt it was okay to be mean to her for a belief she had, the other person was a church member too... Really?  I love both of these people, I respect both of them... I am sad that one of them would feel the need to be mean to the other, leaving the first person to cry.  That is not what we are about, we are about love, kindness, service.  If one of us is having a bad day, let's talk about it, let's pray for each other, let's remember we are all fighting our own battles. Most of all, let us all forgive each other and move on...

I just had to say this because I feel like sometimes we don't think when we talk, we forget that each and every human being is having it rough, not one of us gets by in this life and has it simple.  If you do, great for you but I don't believe that, we all have one challenge after another, either from our own making from decisions we have made (I have had a lot of those) or from life challenges.  If you have something you have to work out with someone, take that opportunity to do it, you don't want regrets... I know I don't want any regrets myself.

I hope you will all take a moment to either pray for or send out good thoughts for my David, I will and would do the same for you at anytime.  Just ask and I would be more than happy to include you in my prayers. Thank you.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Enjoy The In Betweens

”In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.” - Sid Caesar

While I have been off on medical leave from work, I have been centered on goals I want to achieve, some of them are short term and others long term.  I am trying to remember that reaching the goal, although wonderful; is not what brings us long term happiness or success.  How we live and get to the goal is what brings us true joy. 

I feel for myself that I sometimes forget to enjoy the small day to day happenings while I am looking forward to whatever long term goal I have made.  The quote above reminded me once again how life is lived between each goal... and how I need to slow down and start enjoying them more, especially since I don't want to live my life looking back on just the goals I completed. 

I have been feeling distanced from everything... even with all the technology we have in this world, I can still feel this way.  I never truly appreciated how blessed I was when I could just get up and go whenever I wanted to.... today I have to arrange plans with other people just to be able to make it to an appointment.  At least this is only temporary... there are people that are in this situation all the time.  

I want to do something to give back, maybe just volunteering an hour or two here and there to help someone out, make that one of my long term goals.  I think it will be a good thing to slow me down and remind me to enjoy the moment.  This time off has certainly showed me how I was living from one goal to the next, not a great way to enjoy my life.  I plan to enjoy the in between...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Making Changes For Me

I completed my CPA questions and assignment, wooo.  Two more chapters and then the final, I'll be a really happy girl.  I'm already happy, I just want the tension gone from worrying about assignments.

I even feel better about David, I'm still taking time to heal, I have to.  I don't want to be crying every second day.  Even though he and I are soul mate best friends; it would be tiring for him to just hear me cry or know I was sad all the time.

I know that taking this time will heal me so that I can be best friends with him. I want him in my life but I want to be happy about it, I don't want to live in the past and with the memories.  The past is just that, the past.

I only have today, I have things in my life that I need to fix then we will see where the future leads.  I want the whole package or I want nothing.  As sad as I would be for not having romantic love in my life, I'll deal with it.

With my CPA course I haven't been able to read my blogs, I'm catching up over the weekend. I really miss reading all my blogs from my reading list.  There are so many people I look forward to reading, from the fashion blogs, to the poetry one, to the life blogs.  

It's funny how a day or two makes a difference.  That's why when I have those sad dark moments that I remind myself strongly that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  No matter how hard a day is, I believe things can turn around on a dime.

I just needed to get perspective, I really need to give service to others and stop dwelling in the past.  That is what makes us sad; does that mean that I have stopped loving David, I'm pretty sure that won't change any time too soon.  The rose colored glasses have come off though and that is good.

I still think he's amazing but I no longer sit in awe of him, he's just a human being like me.  Yes he's kind, loving and wonderful; he does have his faults though, he doesn't see that I'm the best for him.  Besides I told David that it's his loss, I'm awesome;). He laughed  and said you ARE awesome.  Anyhow , time to work on being the best me that I can be.

This weekend is going to be for me and Valentina and some cooking :).   Also catching up on all my blogs. Have an awesome weekend everyone:)

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Service With Love

Service is the answer to most of if not all the challenges we are going through.  It seems the bigger the challenge the less we want to forgive and love, that is exactly when we need it the most. Think about it this way, wouldn't you want someone to love and forgive you for your mistakes?

I find most people are harder on themselves than on others. We all need to learn to love ourselves; I am a work in progress, there are days I love myself fully and days I wonder how anyone could even like me. Thankfully the latter thoughts are less common, with every positive thought and affirmation my negative thoughts are becoming less and less.

I've always known the answer, however; I've never truly believed it until recently. It took reconnecting with David to see how he has compassion and love for me even though I was totally living my life out of alignment. He encouraged me to be the best me, he believed in me, he showed me that the change I so desired was possible.

In a few short months I have turned my life around by 180 degrees, which I had never thought was possible. I'm here to say it's not only possible, it's actually easy; I know, I know, I know. You're all saying easy? Yes easy, you just have to change you're thoughts and change who you hang out with. Because 'Who you hang out with is who you become'. I paraphrased that quote but it still means what I'm trying to convey.

Six months ago, I was lost and wondering in the dark thinking there was no way out. I was fearful it would always be that way so I never tried to change it (for fear of failure). Haven't I tried to make all these changes in the past? What could make this time different? Me, I will make the outcome different, I have the choice, it is up to me.

No challenge is too much or too difficult to over come. Only our limited thoughts and beliefs that have us trapped in that thought pattern. We are all capable of so much more than we think we are, I think that's the scary part, succeeding... We all say we want that but we shy away from it at all costs.

What we need to do is serve each other in small ways or big ways; however, the service opportunities come into our life. We need to give this service with love and compassion and mostly we have to give it without judging. I think that is the hardest thing to do because when we are giving service, sometimes the problem is due to the individuals own choices. We need to forgive and move on, it is not for us to judge, it is only for us to serve.